(Click here for Spanish Translation) There is no universal human instinct that is stronger or more deserved than the natural affection that almost all of us feel towards our mother. Songs, poems, speeches and elegies celebrate this unique bond as well as the arts, laws and monuments. Throughout history we have used almost every means imaginable to testify eloquently to a powerful sense of gratitude, love and praise for our mothers. All that and more is highly deserved given the love, sacrifice and loyalty that most mothers give to their children. Maternal love is an incomparable gift from God to mankind.
However, due to our fallen and sinful nature man can spoil even this pure and most noble of sentiments, transforming it if we are not careful, into a tool of destruction. This happens when some children’s love for their mother polarizes them against their father (who may be absent, indifferent or abusive), in an unhealthy bias that causes them to break the 5th commandment: “Honor thy father and thy mother” (Exodus 20:12).
This wrongful perversion of love towards the mother can become a weapon in the domestic dynamic especially among young couples. For instance, the new husband may make envious comparisons between his young wife and his mother. Or the new wife may listen to advice from her mother, possibly victimized by her own husband, making the son-in-law "pay" for debts that he does not “owe,” but simply inherited unfairly. In this way, what began as a wholesome love for the mother can result in an unhealthy power struggle that destabilizes new marriages by granting undue authority to maternal influence on both sides.
Sociologists point out that Latin America tends to be a "matriarchal" society. This word comes from the Greek and essentially means "mother government," referring to a disproportionate authority that mothers can exert especially upon their children. Therefore I use the term "matriarchal love" to describe a form of love that seeks to cultivate an almost exclusive loyalty in children towards their mother. This kind of love goes against the proper family order that children should have equal love and respect for their father as well as for their mother. Newlyweds must be taught that their primary loyalty shifts upon marriage to their own mate and to the new family.
Mothers certainly do have legitimate authority to raise and instruct their young children (Prov 1:8, 31:1). But that authority should cease, to a large extent, once the children reach adulthood allowing them the freedom to establish their own homes, choose their own careers, and lead their own lives as they please. When children marry, the authority of parents over their lives ceases (unless due to unavoidable temporary circumstances they must be financially “dependent” on their parents, in which case they also should continue to be subject to their rules). It is thus desirable that the covenant of marriage begin with a clear distinction made by each mate from their family of origin, so as to devote their full loyalties to their new family. The Lord has made this a foundational precondition of the marriage covenant: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife and the two shall become one flesh" (Gen 2:24).
Unfortunately, in our Hispanic culture, this deviation of maternal love into matriarchal love causes the mother-in-laws’ shadow to loom large over many new marriages, further complicating their already challenging new marital status. In order for new spouses to lay the foundations of their own home culture, it is necessary for Hispanic parents to understand that we raise children not for ourselves but for God, and that He will call and lead them as He pleases. It is equally as necessary for young couples to understand that they need to "leave their first home" completely and thus become dependent solely upon God and upon each other.
I invite you to share your comments with me at blog@joselgonzalez.com and to read more of my articles on our Hispanic culture at www.semilla.org. We’ll talk more next week…
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