From Julie:
Many people never stop to ask this critical question, partly because they don’t want to face the answer. But rushing into relationships can cause so much harm unless you’re truly ready to be attached. Before you cruise down the road to love, check out some reasons why any date (or mate) at this point in time would be dangerously premature.
· God has impressed upon you not to get involved with anyone for a (specified or unspecified) reason or length of time.
· You are not completely healed emotionally from past relationships and regularly experience: anger, depression, shame, neediness, insecurity, fear of being alone, or bitterness.
· You or depending on another person to fill an empty place in your life (emotionally, financially, or spiritually) or to make you happy.
· You are rebounding from another relationship.
· You can’t stand to be alone.
· You have a history of choosing “losers” and haven’t done anything to figure out why or to stop the cycle.
· You are not “technically” divorced.
· God has instructed you to allow every opportunity for your unmarried ex-spouse to reconcile with you (this is usually the rule, not the exception).
What are the results of jumping in too early?
My own story is good evidence of the importance of asking this question. When I was sixteen, I got involved with a guy from my high school. At the time, I should have asked if I was ready for a relationship, but I would have fallen into the category of not wanting to face the answer. Why? Because of many unmet needs and huge disappointments in my relationship with my own father, I couldn’t stand to be alone, and I was looking for someone to fill those empty places left behind in my heart. My self-worth/value depended on the attention I received from guys and ensuing relationships. In short, I was desperate (my utterly embarrassing journals from this era of my life were proof, which is why I so torched them).
When I met this guy in high school, he seemed to be exactly what I needed. He was attentive, devoted, and very kind to me. Instantly inseparable, we fell in love and married after a couple years of college. Things quickly became less than ideal, growing steadily worse throughout our 12 years of marriage. There were certainly problems on both sides, but I will share with you some of the fallout our marriage faced as a result of my own character issues and problems that contributed to our demise.
· I placed too many emotional expectations on him that he was not able to fill (no human could have). These suffocated normal, natural love and created many unhealthy cycles between us. He became an avoider because he could not make me happy; I became angry and bitter because he avoided me. As the cycle became self-perpetuating, the relationship became terribly draining to both of us.
· Because he was my emotional crutch, I did not pursue healing from all the hurts of my past. I discovered too late that I was not able to mature emotionally as long as I was using all my emotional energy in a relationship. In short, I needed to grow up first and to heal first before trying to give of myself to another.
· The very needs that he met so glowingly at first became the biggest disappointments and unmet needs of relationship later because no one can “be all that” for an extended period of time. The ideals and expectations I had going into the relationship became my biggest disappointments. The things I put my hope in (wrongly) were withdrawn over time, namely his positive frequent attention.
· I found myself struggling with restlessness and discontentment throughout the years of our marriage, sometimes even feeling trapped. I believe this was because I never got a chance to become my own person or to finish growing up into contentment as an individual.
Sadly, though I sound so dysfunctional in my young adulthood, this is how so many young people are today who are trying to find love. In fact, after my divorce, I met many single men with many (if not all) of the same baggage I was working to get rid of. And I’m sure the women are not much different. It’s almost a manic obsession for so many young people not to want to be alone even for a season of growing up into healthy individuality and becoming more emotionally whole.
What about you? Think you’re ready for love? Sometimes it’s hard to believe or take seriously opinionated people who are supposedly experienced in these matters, but it can certainly save you a lot of pain and failure (I sure wish I’d had people to give me wise counsel when I was starting out). Take it from me, and the many divorced people I’ve counseled with through the years, not being a whole person going into marriage will quite usually mean the death of a relationship. I encourage you to do whatever is necessary to pursue wholeness first, before you pursue love.