Single Purpose

Single and Thankful

Lee Warren and Julie Ferwerda — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:35:39 GMT

From Lee:

Last Thanksgiving, I was in a reflective mood. Maybe it was the aroma of turkey wafting through the house. Maybe it was the notion of watching football without worrying about anything else (hey, more than one man has been inspired by a football game!). But I tend to think it had more to do with the simple realization that life is good, and I needed to thank God for it.

I pulled out my moleskine notebook and began to write:

“At Mom’s for Thanksgiving dinner. Got here early to help with the turkey and to do whatever I can to help.

“The front window is open. Clanci [Mom’s cat] is sitting in her condo as a cool breeze filters in. It’s 4:15 p.m., and the sun is going down already. A red candle flickers on the nearby TV tray and the Cowboys are up on the Seahawks 27-3 in the second quarter.

“The turkey is almost done and for the first time in a couple of years, everything seems settled, normal. At least as normal as life ever gets. And I’m thankful—not for normal, but for God’s grace that sustained us when life got difficult. ”

I wrote more, but you get the gist.

The past couple of years leading up to that point were chaotic. My mom had a stroke in 2007, and my family had several other issues to deal with, much like every family does. We still had other challenges to face, but Thanksgiving gave me some down time to pause and thank God for all he had already done in our lives.

I felt especially thankful on this particular day to be able to have a nice dinner with my family. Sure, I wished I had wife or girlfriend by my side for it. But, in all reality, being around other loved ones was more than enough.

In some small way, it reminded me of Rebekah’s situation. In Genesis 24, she was single and working in the context of her nuclear family. Abraham’s servant initially met her at the well, where she drew water. After learning that the servant needed a place to stay for the night, she invited him to stay at her family’s house. Rebekah’s brother, Laban, greeted them. Shortly thereafter, they sat down for a meal.

Abraham’s servant knew God has orchestrated the events of the day to make it clear that Rebekah would be Isaac’s wife. Rebekah already understood this, but now it was up to Rebekah’s family to hear the case.

Some believe Rebekah’s father, Bethuel, was incapacitated because Laban was serving as the head of household. That was probably the case, but Bethuel was involved in the decision-making process (see Genesis 24:50).

The point is life wasn’t perfect for Rebekah. Her father was probably in ill health and she was single. Judging by her reaction to the marriage proposal, she was quite ready for marriage, but it just had not happened yet. So, she was doing what I was doing last Thanksgiving; joining her nuclear family for a meal and serving them whenever possible. It’s where she belonged at that point in her life.

This Thanksgiving, I hope you’ll dine with your nuclear family if your situation will allow it. If not, find a family to break bread with or invite friends, neighbors, or other single people to your place for a feast. If you cannot find people to spend the holiday with, let your pastor or deacon know.

Wherever you end up dining, take some time to thank God for everything he’s doing in your life. He loves you and longs to fellowship with you.

Last Minute Miracles

Lee Warren and Julie Ferwerda — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 17:41:56 GMT

One of my all time favorite seasons in my relationship with God was when I was single after divorce. Bear in mind this was after 13 years of marriage. I had two young girls and had been a stay at home mom for seven years. I faced the insecurity of going back to work to try to support myself, and at this lonely period many of my church friends had deserted me. But, what should have been a dark, gloomy time turned into the greatest season of blessings of my life. How is this possible?

I saw the last minute miracles. I learned more about God’s character as my Protector and Provider in those two years of being single—when He was my only hope—than I ever had in the 32 years before when I always had a backup plan.

One of the first miracles happened with a car. My ex had taken our newer large family car and left me with an old two-door clunker that was neither practical nor particularly safe for carting around two small children. I prayed about it for a few weeks and one day felt God direct me to a used roomy Ford Explorer in the classified ads. The only catch was that I did not want to be in debt but I had to take out a short-term loan until I could sell my other car to pay off the newer one, and the loan would be due in 30 days.

During the first 29 days, I put ads in the paper, signs on the car windows, and tried everything I could think of to sell that car. Nothing. Not even one phone call inquiry. On day 29, I told God, “You led me to buy a better car. You also promised You would take care of me. What are you going to do to sell this car by tomorrow?”

That evening, at 8:00 p.m., I heard a knock at the door. I opened it to find my neighbor from across the street, an elderly man, explaining that he wanted to buy my car. No he didn’t want to test drive it. No he didn’t want to haggle over the price. I couldn’t believe it. He hadn’t said anything for 29 days, and here he was, holding out a check for the full selling price. “Lord, my neighbor is buying this old car. You better keep it running!” That was 10 years ago, and do you know, that dinosaur is still running!

The second miracle came when I had all of five dollars in my checking account and needed a mortgage payment by the end of the week. I was only working two days a week at the time as a hair stylist, and I had serious doubts that I would be able to get enough clients in two days to make my payment. Besides, this was early on after the divorce and I didn’t even have a regular clientele built up yet. I called my boss before heading into work to see what was on my schedule for the day. She told me, “It’s been really slow! You don’t really have anything on the books today—sorry.”

I hung up the phone and prayed once again. “Lord, you promised! What are you going to do to solve this financial need before Friday?”

As soon as I got to work, my boss announced excitedly, “I don’t know what happened, but as soon as we hung up, the phone started ringing off the hook. You are completely booked today…I hope you brought your running shoes!”

You can guess what happened from there. I made just enough to pay my mortgage in full that week.

I had many such miracles and reassurances those two years of being thrust out on my own. Because of that, I wouldn’t trade those years for anything. God became more real to me than ever, and His provision became an understanding between him and me. In the years since, I have a foundation of simple trust that He will take care of me during difficult times. I would never have this trust had it not been tested and had He not had the opportunity to prove Himself.

I encourage you to think of your single years as one of the greatest times of opportunity to grow in intimacy and trust in your Jehovah Jireh (provider). If you take your needs to Him, you will learn God’s character like never before. It would be contrary to His nature not to provide for and protect you when you ask. He wants to show you who He is. He wants to become real to you through last minute miracles.

~ Julie

The Art of Conversation

Lee Warren and Julie Ferwerda — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 21:59:55 GMT

The small group I’m in at church just branched out and started a new small group—attracting several new people and a few I had already met. At our first meeting last week, the leader handed us two index cards and asked us to write down a question on each one.

Each question was supposed to be an ice breaker—something a person might ask a stranger to get to know a little about the person. After we wrote our questions down, we handed the index cards back to the small group leader. He shuffled them and each of us drew two questions, and then we answered them as best we could.

One of the questions I drew asked me to name three people I consider heroes, and then I was supposed to explain why they were my heroes. One of the people I mentioned was my grandfather. He died in 1985, when I was 19 (no doing the math regarding my age!); he taught me so much.

My parents divorced when I was eight years old and, for obvious reasons, their relationship was strained after that and it left a male void in my life.

My grandfather tried to fill that void by being a positive male role model. He did a great job. He’d take me into his workshop and allow me to “help” him with various fix-it projects. He took me hunting and fishing. When I was old enough, he took me out on a dirt road and taught me how to drive. And he showed me how to treat a woman with respect by treating my grandmother with respect. Basically, he modeled manhood for me.

I explained this to my small group and a couple of them asked me follow up questions. By the time I finished, they were beginning to see the real me. And likewise, as I listened to the answers to the questions they drew, I got a good glimpse at what makes them tick.

It was a great exercise because the conversation we had went deeper than our thoughts about the latest college football game or what we thought about the most recent FlashForward episode. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with either of those topics, but by digging deeper, we got to matters of the heart.

As I drove home, I thought about how beneficial it would be to have similar types of conversations with fellow singles. So many of us are lonely and I wonder if part of the reason we feel that way is because our conversations with people are often so shallow.

A few days before I attended this small group meeting, I picked up a book called 4,000 Questions for Getting to Know Anyone and Everyone, by Barbara Ann Kipfer. I bought it because it provides great writing prompts for my personal blog. The day I bought it though, I sat with two friends in a coffee shop and used the book to steer our conversation. The questions we discussed dealt with family history, our quirks, our thoughts about free will, etc.

Most of my friends’ answers didn’t surprise me because I know them both well, but I was surprised by a couple of answers—not in a good or bad way. I was just genuinely surprised. By asking them deeper questions, I learned new truths about them in a short period of time, and I suspect they did with me as well. We made a real connection.

All of this makes me think about the next time I’m around a bigger group of singles. There’s nothing wrong with small talk to begin with, but what if the conversation went a level or two deeper? Think about the ministry value. People might not feel so alone in their struggles. And think about the common bonds that people might form. It might even set the stage for a love connection.

~ Lee

Claim Your Prize in The Amazing Race of Life

Lee Warren and Julie Ferwerda — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 13:44:55 GMT

One way that my husband and I vicariously satisfy our bug for travel, competition, and adventure is by watching the TV reality series, The Amazing Race. It’s a contest where teams of two travel around the world, completing challenges and feats arranged by the producers in each country they visit. They may have to do things like rappel down a skyscraper, eat fried scorpions, learn and perform a traditional dance, milk a camel, or even bungy jump off a high bridge.

Unfortunately, those are not the only challenges they encounter. Along the way they might get flat tires, run out of gas, lose precious time from traffic jams or clueless taxi drivers, run out of money, lose passports, or even be assigned an uncooperative animal. They frequently have trouble navigating maps, following directions, and communicating amid language barriers. In addition, they constantly battle vindictive competitors.

Why would anyone set themselves up for this kind of intimidation and aggravation? What would keep someone going in a grueling contest where they face exhaustion and paralyzing fears in order to progress? In the end, it is solely and simply about one thing: The PRIZE. $1,000,000! Now that’s motivation. Who couldn’t use a million bucks?

The Christian life is a lot like The Amazing Race in many ways. If we want The Prize, we are going to have to willingly endure the obstacles, trials, and difficulties along the way—and do it in such a way that we become victors in faith instead of victims of our circumstances!

Paul frequently mentioned the prize and living in such a way that we not get disqualified or quit. He was not speaking of salvation, which is a free gift by faith in Jesus Christ. Paul spoke of the future prize that is given for overcomers of the faith—those who live an obedient, fear-defying, faith-based, sacrificial life in Christ under the continuous guidance of the Holy Spirit. What is the coveted prize and reward? Check out a summary in Hebrews 11:32-25:

“For time will fail me if I tell of Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, of David and Samuel and the prophets, who by faith conquered kingdoms, performed acts of righteousness, obtained promises, shut the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, from weakness were made strong, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight...and others were tortured, not accepting their release, so that they might obtain a better resurrection...” (if you wish to know more about the “better resurrection,” you can read more about it on my website at www.JulieFerwerda.com).

Though there is a future reward, surely there also is a reward NOW for living as an overcomer. God promises things like peace, purpose, and provision for those who dare to live by faith and obedience (Jer. 29:11, Rom. 8:6, Matt. 6:33). He promises abundant life NOW to those who stay continuously connected to the Vine (John 10:10 and John 15:5).

One of the great threats to claiming your prize (both now and later) is fear. As a single person pursuing the life of an overcomer—an Amazing Racer—I want to encourage you to learn to face your fears so that they will not disqualify you from the race or make you give up. Fears at this stage in life can come in many forms:

· Fear of failure at relationships

· Fear of being alone

· Fear of not living out your dreams

· Fear of facing God-orchestrated leaps of faith alone

· Fear of not being able to survive financially

· Fear of missing out on God’s best plan for your life

What will get you and I through the paralyzing fears on our way to being overcomers while living a life of great faith? What will help us live in the prize now and get us on our way to receiving the prize later? It is getting a proper view of the immensity, the power, and the goodness of our God.

There’s a great biblical account that contrasts the difference between overcomers (Amazing Racers) and the overcome. When the Lord was leading the Israelites into the Promised Land (their Prize!), He sent 12 spies to get a report. Two came back and said, “Let's go at once to take the land. We can certainly conquer it!" But ten came back and said, “All the people we saw were huge…giants even! We felt like grasshoppers next to them. We can't go up against them—they are stronger than we are!" (Numbers 13:30-33).

What was the difference in the two reports? Two focused on the power and might of the unlimited God they serve and the reward He offered. Ten saw themselves as grasshoppers. Two saw only mere men milling about. Ten saw giants bigger than their “god” standing in the way of victory.

Remember that you can’t run and win an Amazing Race while being consumed or controlled by fear. In fact, the way you handle your fears will determine your destiny. If you panic and try to take control, you will only multiply your fears and your problems. But if you apply yourself to learning the truth about how big is your God, you will overcome.

Today remind yourself that you are no grasshopper with God. Wherever He is leading you, there is a prize involved, but first you must overcome in His power.

Using Culture to Preach the Gospel

Lee Warren and Julie Ferwerda — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 17:38:34 GMT

From Lee

Network television shows this fall have something to say about the single life. The recent pilot episode of “Cougar Town” on ABC consisted of a plot in which “Jules realizes that she needs a life and hooks up with a hottie named Matt.” In a recent episode of “Gary Unmarried” on CBS, Gary goes to a singles bar called “Fish in a Barrel” for the sole purpose of having a one-night stand to see if he can keep himself from becoming emotionally attached—as if that would be an admirable quality to possess. When he finds out he can’t do it, his friends make fun of him.

I don’t point these things out to tell you to stop watching television. The tendency of modern day evangelicalism is to run from culture to create a Christian sub-culture where everything is sanitized and safe. But I think that’s a bad idea. While it’s true that by staying engaged in culture there’s a chance we will be influenced by it, the reverse is also true, and from what I can tell, the reverse is the model Paul used.

While Paul was in Greece, here’s how he engaged the culture:

“So Paul, standing in the midst of the Areopagus, said: ‘Men of Athens, I perceive that in every way you are very religious. For as I passed along and observed the objects of your worship, I found also an altar with this inscription, ‘To the unknown god.’ What therefore you worship as unknown, this I proclaim to you. The God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in temples made by man, nor is he served by human hands, as though he needed anything, since he himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything. And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, in the hope that they might feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each one of us, for ‘In him we live and move and have our being’; as even some of your own poets have said, ‘For we are indeed his offspring.’ Being then God’s offspring, we ought not to think that the divine being is like gold or silver or stone, an image formed by the art and imagination of man. The times of ignorance God overlooked, but now he commands all people everywhere to repent . . .” (Act 17:22-30)

Paul mined the work of the Grecian poets purposefully. He knew the Grecian poets so well that he could not only quote them, but he could also use what they had to say to point their unbelieving culture toward God. According to Matthew Henry’s Commentary, Paul was quoting a poet named Aratus—a native of Cilicia. Here’s what Henry says about the necessity of being able to speak to our culture in its own language: “By this it appears not only that Paul was himself a scholar, but that human learning is both ornamental and serviceable to a gospel minister, especially for the convincing of those that are without; for it enables him to beat them at their own weapons, and to cut off Goliath’s head with his own sword.”

So, how might we be able to use network television shows, especially ones that have something to say about the single life, to engage our unbelieving friends, family, and co-workers in conversations about the way God intended us to live the single life? In the case of the episode of “Gary Unmarried” I referenced above, there was one line in the episode that a believer could latch on to and use. The scene is set at the end of the episode when Gary is having a conversation with Allison, his ex-wife. She asks him how things went on his quest for a one night stand:

“It went good,” Gary said. “I mean, I had a one night stand, but I feel terrible. I had to run out of there. It made me feel like a real creep.”

“Gary, I told you. You’re not a one night stand kind of guy. It’s not just because you’re a creature of habit. It’s also . . . okay, here I go . . . listen, because I’m only going to say this one. You’re a nice guy.”

“Wow! That really had to hurt.”

Allison’s facial expressions and body language make it clear that she still thinks a lot of Gary. She just doesn’t want to admit it. She sees something redemptive in Gary. He’s not like the guys Gary hangs out with who have one night stands for the mere sake of it.

What a great conversation starter that scene could be for a group of single friends sitting around in a coffee shop or at work discussing the single life. And it could also be used as a teaching moment without really calling it that. A person could point out that God didn’t wire us to have one night stands. That’s why people feel so awful after experiencing them. In doing so, you’d be using something from the culture to call people to turn from their sin and to heed God’s ways.

Beauty from a Broken Past

Lee Warren and Julie Ferwerda — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 22:25:00 GMT

Are the hurts and mistakes of days gone by getting you down? Think your future is shot because of your past?

A few years ago, this was my story. Not only had I made huge mistakes that looked and felt like a big “scarlet letter” on my sweater, but I also had so much brokenness as a result of circumstances that were not my choice. How could I have any hope of overcoming my past? How could anyone see me as valuable when I had such broken places in my history?

And that’s when God spoke up. It’s hard to explain how it happened exactly, but I was sitting in church one Sunday, wandering from the sermon, lamenting these very things, when God impressed something in my heart that would prove powerful and life changing for my future. The opal.

My earthly father brought me an opal necklace from a visit to Australia when I was in high school, and that day in church (then in my 30s), wearing my opal necklace, my Heavenly Father brought me an opal promise. He impressed upon me that just as a radiant and colorful opal is formed out of great brokenness, so my life would someday display radiant beauty because of my past, not in spite of it.

Well, I knew this had to be from God, because I had no idea how opals were formed. This foreign explanation surfacing in my thoughts was all news to me! I went home to do some research, and sure enough. Opals are formed when there are great blows or areas of devastation to the earth’s surface where water and silica are deposited. Over time and under intense heat and pressure, the opal is formed. Now, I’m not much of a science buff, but this information was pretty amazing and it brought incredible hope into my life, especially in light of the very difficult, messy divorce I was going through at that time.

Eleven years after that dark, lonely period in my life, I can say that God has fulfilled this promise to me and made my life like new! In the way only He can do, He has brought so much beauty into those areas once devastated. I know that I am who I am today because of my past.

· I would not have such a powerful testimony had I not gone through such difficulties and trials where God had the opportunity to reveal His redemptive work to others around me.

· I would not have the joy of experiencing miraculous contrasts had I not experienced such low and difficult times that have completely gone to the other extreme by the work of Jesus in my life.

· I would not know just how amazing the power of God to rescue, save, and restore, had I not been so lost, desperate, and broken!

One thing that really gave me hope through those dark times is the fine art of personalizing Scripture to help me through. God spoke some really beautiful themes into my life through His word that were lifelines. If you are going through a time of despair and brokenness, I hope these verses will give you strength to carry on. Even more so, I hope they will inspire you to get into the Word to find out even more about the heart of our Great God of contrasts and divine beauty. And don’t forget to personalize them…

But now, O Israel, the LORD who created you says: "Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you. Isaiah 43:1-5 (selected)

"Pay attention, O Israel, for you are my servant. I, the LORD, made you, and I will not forget to help you. I have swept away your sins like the morning mists. I have scattered your offenses like the clouds. Oh, return to me, for I have paid the price to set you free." Isaiah 44:21-22

…For the LORD delights in you and will claim you as his own. …God will rejoice over you as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride. Isaiah 62:4-5 (selected)

For the LORD your God has arrived to live among you. He is a mighty savior. He will rejoice over you with great gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will exult over you by singing a happy song." Zephaniah 3:17

Today, dwell on the great and priceless treasure that you are to your Heavenly Father. He longs to restore your life like a radiant opal if only you will place everything in His loving hands and surrender to Him. Your past is in the past. Your future can be made new when you bring it to Him. He is in the business of turning brokenness and ashes into beauty.

When You are Single and Sick

Lee Warren and Julie Ferwerda — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 20:52:07 GMT

From Lee:

I went to the dentist yesterday to get two fillings and one crown. I was in the chair for a long time, as you might imagine, and my dentist and her assistant had a typical office conversation while they were working on me.

My dentist spoke about wanting to scale back on holiday decorations this year while her assistant spoke about how many decorations she has—going into detail about many of them. They both must have small kids because they traded information about local pumpkin patches. By the time my procedure was nearly finished, the assistant transitioned to what her family was having for dinner—burgers—and she was hoping that somebody in the family had them started by the time she got home because she doesn’t like the smell of meat.

I don’t know this for sure, but I’m guessing that a dentist and her staff will do anything to make a patient feel comfortable and small talk is a good way to do that. Since my dentist and I couldn’t have a conversation, she did the next best thing by having one with her assistant. I was sitting so far back that I couldn’t see the television, so listening to them really did help pass the time. But it also did something else. It made me realize that while they were heading home to a family, I was heading to an empty house.

I’m probably your typical man. When I’m not feeling great, I like to be pampered. If I can’t be pampered then, I’ll take somebody just checking in on me. In the past, I was terrible about telling family and friends about upcoming medical and dental procedures. By the time I got home to an empty house, it was easy to feel sorry for myself—believing that nobody cares. I eventually realized the real problem was my failure to inform people. How could people check on me if they didn’t even know what I was going through?

Over the weekend, I told a few people about my upcoming dental appointment and true to form, I got a text message last night from a friend asking me how I was doing. I told him my mouth was sore and I had a headache, but for all the work I had done, I was fine. And, then my mom called and she did the mom thing. Hearing from two people was all it took to keep me from falling into a funk.

I know that Christ is always with me and he can always be counted on, even when people cannot. I also know that in his humanity, he often visited the sick. And, likewise, he told us that when we visit sick brethren, we are visiting him (Matt. 25:34-40). When someone visits a sick person he or she loves, something powerful happens. The visit is an expression of love and somehow that love seeps into the places that hurt and it caresses them.

Is there a single person in your church who is in need of a visit or a call this week because he or she is undergoing some sort of medical procedure? If so, you know what to do.

Jesus Longs for His Bride

Lee Warren and Julie Ferwerda — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 19:39:00 GMT

From Julie:

My friend “Eric” is single, and he admitted on more than one occasion that being alone is one of the hardest “crosses” for him to bear since the break up of his marriage over a year ago. As a man, he likes taking care of a woman. He misses physical intimacy, being the protector, provider, and the confidante, but God has not given him the go-ahead to get involved in another relationship. How or when it might happen, he doesn’t know. What he does know is that it’s ever so hard being patient through the loneliness.

Listening to a man like Eric, created in God’s image, it got me wondering how Jesus felt about being alone. Did He get lonely? Did He ever feel the emptiness and ache of not having a woman to protect, provide for, and to have physical intimacy with? We easily dismiss it in our minds saying, “No! He was above all that. He didn’t need a relationship. He had His Father.”

But Jesus was and still is fully man (Luke 24:39). What did His Father (and ours) say? “It is not good that man should be alone. I will make him a helper suitable for him (Gen. 2:18).”

I read a fascinating book awhile back by Frank Viola, “From Eternity to Here: Rediscovering the Ageless Purpose of God.” In this book, he pointed to a beautiful parallel between the “First Adam” and the “Second Adam.” Restating in my own words, the First Adam was alone in a Garden when God put him into a deep sleep so that He might take a suitable helper, a woman, out of his side. From this union would come a multitude of physical offspring.

The Second Adam (1 Cor. 15:22, 45) prayed alone in a Garden just before He was put into a sleep for three days. After that, a “woman” was taken out of His side—a Bride and a Church—who would be a suitable helper for Him. Out of this union would come a multitude of spiritual offspring.

So we see that even Jesus had to wait a long time in a state of “incompleteness” for His Bride to be introduced to Him. And I believe the Bible teaches that the relationship with His betrothed Bride will not be “consummated” until the onset of His future Millennial Kingdom, when He and She meet face to face for the first time to begin the “Wedding Feast (Luke 12:36).”

Jesus has been waiting in great anticipation for at least 6,000 years to claim His Bride. I believe the empty place God puts in our hearts when we are single is not separate from the experience of Christ, but a witness to it. We can use this longing and loneliness to feel Jesus’ longing for His own Bride, whom He bought at a price on the cross. Someday He will lavish His love, provision, protection, and intimacy upon His Bride, and all the ache and loneliness will go away for good.

Changing Churches

Lee Warren and Julie Ferwerda — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 22:06:20 GMT

From: Lee

I’ve been experiencing a spiritual perfect storm of sorts in the last couple of years—in a good way. Ten years ago, I helped plant a church and I’ve remained active there ever since. I received solid biblical training there and I love the people, but I’ve sensed a growing restlessness the past couple of years. Couple that with a very small pool of singles from which to find a wife and my restlessness has continued to grow.

As I began to think about changing churches, I heard about a church in my city that intrigued me. They have a heavy emphasis on being involved in the arts community and in forming bonds with people who generally won’t go near a church. I was involved in the arts before I became a Christian nearly 17 years ago and I remember how gun-shy I was of the church. In fact, God used the arts (Christian radio) to draw me to the faith. So the idea of being involved in such a church excited me.

I began to investigate the church that reached out to people like me and I learned that if I started going there I’d be one of the older members. Many are in their late 20s and early 30s. That didn’t thrill me, but at the same time, being around vibrant youth can be contagious. I learned that it’s a self described “messy” church—one in which people are honest about their struggles and in spurring one another on in repentance. And I learned that the pool of singles is considerably larger.

So, after prayer, consultation with an elder at the church I helped plant, and a little trepidation (can you tell I don’t like change?), I began attending the artsy church a few months ago. It’s everything I expected. Tonight I’m headed to my first small group meeting and I’m really looking forward to meeting new people and finding out more about what makes the church tick.

I bet I’m not alone. Surely some of you are in transition right now too. Singles are notorious for changing churches—often because they are hoping to find a spouse. I don’t see anything unbiblical about that. In fact, I’ve already tackled the notion that I believe the scriptures teach that singles are supposed to be active in a search for a spouse and there’s no better place to find one than in church.

If you are in transition right now, I’d love to hear from you about your journey. And I highly encourage you to not give in to the temptation to stop going to church altogether. I’ve heard all the excuses, but they don’t supersede the many biblical commands that can only be adhered to in a church—commands such as: obeying your spiritual leaders (Heb. 13:17), calling for elders when you are sick (James 5:14), tithing (Matt. 23:23), and so many others. And don’t miss the fact that Paul addressed specific churches in his epistles.

The church, as messy as it is, is God’s designated agent for advancing his kingdom here on earth. Stay involved and experience the blessing of being used by him in your local church.

Is Everybody Doing It?

Lee Warren and Julie Ferwerda — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 02:39:47 GMT

One of the clever lies you are going to hear on your journey to abstinence and purity (for some singles this is more of a journey) is the lie of universalism—everybody is doing it! What’s wrong with you? Why are you so guilt ridden and uptight? You will never meet someone with those high of standards so give it up. Besides, don’t you think you should “try before you buy?”

These are the some of lies I heard and maybe you have also heard from many places—TV, movies, friends, your Christian date, and sometimes even ministry leaders in your church (when they are off stage). But is it true?

While it is true that most people are doing it in both the world and the church dating circles, the good news is that “most people” are still not “all people.” I have met many admirable singles, both men and women, who avowed to stay pure until marriage, and they were successful. How did they do it (or rather, not do it)?

Keep it Friendly

Staying pure before marriage can be achieved at two levels of “friendly.” The first level is at the getting to know someone level. I always recommend not “dating” someone in the traditional sense of getting emotionally and physically involved until you have spent significant time with that person in a friendly environment to find out if they are even dating/marriage material. This practice will weed out non-potentials immediately because they will think you are an alien not to want to rush right into romance (read: sex and self-gratification) from the start.

The second level of friendly that worked wonders for my husband and me when we were still dating (after we both mutually agreed we were good candidates for marriage) is refraining from intimate contact and treating each other as a brother and sister in Christ. We determined from early on that kissing leads to sex for most warm-blooded singles, so we refrained from everything but hugging and holding hands until our wedding day. It was a purity magic pill!

Discern a Like-Heart

One of the best ways I know of to do this is to “hold your cards” in the beginning of a dating relationship. If you begin to date someone who declares that they are a strong or committed believer (which is hopefully the only kind of people you are dating and considering for marriage), DON’T share your convictions about sex with them upfront, but just wait and see how they conduct themselves early in the relationship. If they try to take it past “friendly,” tell them you are not comfortable with that and that you would like to develop a friendship first. If they pass that test, wait and see how they conduct their physical affection behavior. If they are truly committed to Christ—as they claim—they will not dare try to take advantage of you sexually, or even push the limits. This will tell you a lot in a short amount of time if you keep quiet and watch their behavior.

Why keep quiet and hold your cards? Because many Christians are good at talking a good talk but not walking a good walk. Women are unusually susceptible to believing what men say, regardless of what they actually do or how they conduct themselves. If we don’t give them the opportunity to tell us what we want to hear and risk falling for it, we’ll be able to use the “eyes of our heart” more to see hypocrisy and red flags by watching.

Monitoring Motivation

There is no motivation in the world that will be as effective in keeping one pure than the motivation of faithful devotion to Christ first. Anyone who is intent on pleasing God and living in His promises and blessings is likely going to do a good job at keep themselves pure before marriage, and this type of person will make an excellent life partner! Make sure your own motivation is about obeying your Lord and Savior out of love and desire to maintain your relationship with Him, and you will be more able to be strong. If your “Christian” date is not sold out to purity, you can bet they do not have the motivation of being faithful to Christ. Instead, they have the motivation of living for their own sinful pleasures, and they are willing to take your purity to gratify themselves.

Don’t buy into the lie that you are the “only one” who has decided to save yourself for marriage, no matter how many dates try to tell you otherwise. There are plenty of people who have and are saving themselves for marriage in our world today. My husband was a 32-year-old virgin and, though I had been married, we kept our relationship absolutely pure before marriage. But it takes two—two individuals set in the will of Christ. And as always, be sure that you are the kind of person you are looking for, and that you are not pushing limits or trying to entice your dating partner into giving you the wrong kind of attention, whether through flirtatious behavior or the way you dress.