Single Purpose

Rejuvenated Hope

Lee Warren and Julie Ferwerda — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 19:42:43 GMT

If you catch me on a bad day, you might hear me tell a friend I don’t think marriage is going to happen for me. I battle the stigma of being 43 and never married. Surely something must be wrong with me. I’m too immature, too self absorbed, too unattractive—or some combination of the three.

If you catch me on a good day or even a normal one, the hope is still alive and I dream about what marriage would be like. I dream about putting up the Christmas tree together. I dream about sitting in the living room with each other and not needing to say anything because even the silence is different when we’re together. And I dream about doing little things to surprise her—things like remembering the anniversary of our first date or bringing home a cup of her favorite coffee from the coffee shop she digs or sending her love texts throughout the day.

As Christmas came and went this year, I wondered if I would still be single next Christmas, and the Christmas after. And such is life as I experience the good days and the bad. If I had to guess, many of you are right there with me.

As we wonder about the future, let’s rejuvenate our hope by spending some time in Jeremiah 29—the chapter that is often quoted regarding God’s plan for our future. Rarely do we hear the context in which it was given and that’s a shame because it is full of hope.

Jeremiah is writing from Jerusalem to the remainder of the elders, priests, prophets, and “all the people whom Nebuchadnezzar had carried away captive from Jerusalem to Babylon” (verse 1).

He opens the letter by saying, “Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, to all who were carried away captive, whom I have caused to be carried away from Jerusalem to Babylon” (verse 4).

At this point, the people must have been thinking, “Uh oh. We messed up big time by turning away from God. As a result, he allowed us to be taken captive and now he’s going to bring the hammer. We’re done. We’re without hope.”

But that’s not how God responds.

Instead, he says this: “Build houses and dwell in them; plant gardens and eat their fruit. Take wives and beget sons and daughters; and take wives for your sons and give your daughters to husbands, so that they may bear sons and daughters—that you may be increased there, and not diminished” (verses 5-6).

So, after making a mess of their lives, God tells his people to do what he always tells them to do—build, plant, marry, beget, give away, and then repeat in the next generation.

In other words, he doesn’t take away houses, food, marriage, or children even after his people have shunned him. In fact, even though they are tasting the fruit of their sin—they are living as captives in Babylon—he tells them to continue to carry on as normal. That’s His plan for His people. It always has been.

Of course, God chooses to orchestrate sovereign exceptions. He has given a few the gift of celibacy for life for kingdom purposes. And sometimes, for reasons we don’t understand, people are unable to have children.

But again, these are the exceptions. You or I could be in the exception category, but I find great hope in God’s norm and I know that his mercy and grace would sustain me even if I end up as an exception.

God goes on to tell his people that they are to seek peace in the city and to watch out for false prophets. He also says that they will be in Babylon for 70 years before he causes their return. That brings us to the often quoted verse 11: “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

As I consider my shortcomings as a single man in light of God’s mercy and ultimately his plan for my future, I find hope in mercy personified in Christ Jesus and that allows me to flip the calendar to January 2010 in confidence as I continue to seek and hope for a spouse. I pray that you find and embrace that same hope.

This concludes the final post from Julie and me here at Single Purpose. Thanks for joining us throughout 2009 and we pray God’s blessings on you in 2010 and beyond.

~ Lee

Every “No” is a “Yes” to Something Better

Lee Warren and Julie Ferwerda — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 18:35:11 GMT

I met Carrie, a divorced mother of four, about six years ago in a Sunday school class I taught for women. As I began to learn about her heart for God, a deep connection formed between us that has continued to this day. Carrie has a powerful testimony for singles in that, for the past several years, she’s been “doing it God’s way” by embracing the “nos” along the way, seeing them as divine appointments for her good, not excessive restrictions. Her story shows that it’s never too late to begin a path of obedience, and that there’s sure to follow a time of reaping the benefits.

Carrie’s marriage was a disaster from the start—except for the beautiful, sweet-spirited children who resulted from it. A combination of being deceived by her husband beforehand, as well not being interested in discerning or following God’s will for her life at the time, Carrie ended up in a loveless marriage to a repeatedly unfaithful man who also dabbled in activities from the dark side. Five years into the marriage, about the same time I met her, Carried decided to hand the controls of her life over to God and ask Him to do something with the mess she’d gotten herself into. But it was not to be an easy road.

For starters, even though she had grounds for divorce, God clearly told her to stay in her marriage until further notice. She did it for the sake of obedience, but it was excruciating at times. Carrie says, “Every time I was lied to or betrayed, the first thing I wanted was to get out. I didn’t think I could take it and I felt like I deserved better. I’d ask, ‘God, why are you making me stay in this?’ But I found that when I remained open to God’s will and listened to Him, He brought peace after the storms. At some point I stopped praying, ‘God I want to leave this marriage,’ and instead began praying, ‘God work in this marriage and show me what You want.’”

Two years after I met her, Carrie experienced the beginnings of a great move of the Holy Spirit in her life when she and her husband moved far away from Wyoming (sniff) to Salem, Oregon. Shortly thereafter, her husband took a job in Iraq, coming home only for a couple brief visits a year and continuing a pattern of unabashed infidelity overseas.

Carrie learned that “Salem” means “peace,” and she believed that God had symbolically moved her to a new place of peace when he took her husband out of the home. She remained fully committed to her marriage, as instructed by the Lord, but it was in her new surroundings that she began to become aware of the many “yeses” from God that inherently go along with the “nos,” when one is in obedience.

Looking back now Carrie sees how her years of obedience, though somewhat blind at the time, were all for her benefit. God took her husband out of the home and daily life, yet he provided comfortably so she could stay home and raise their young children. After her children were in school, her husband provided for her to go to college to earn her degree. She graduated at the top of her class this past May, and now has a great job with good benefits. Carrie says, “I thought God asked me to stay in the marriage for my husband’s sake. But I look back now and realize God was really did it for me. Down to the smallest details, God took care of me and provided for me through my obedience. If I hadn’t listened to the “nos,” life would have been much harder.”

Carrie also sees how she grew spiritually through the process. “Looking back at the tough years of marriage, I learned to be less selfish and to be more of a servant to my husband, putting aside my hurt and my anger. In a me-centered world we want a quick fix when we feel wronged, God instead taught me how to patiently depend on Him to get me through it. I wouldn’t have become as close to God as I am now if I hadn’t stayed in this marriage because, when life is going good, you don’t depend on the Lord as much.”

Things began changing once again for Carrie this past spring when, through prayer and her time in the Word, she sensed God releasing her from the commitment to her marriage. This was totally unexpected because she had completely resigned herself to her marriage for life. And because she had waited for God’s timing, the whole divorce miraculously took only about a week while her husband was home on a visit, with no complications or resistance. An added answer to prayer was that even in the low economy, their house sold almost immediately and she found a house for rent just a few doors down.

It was the furthest thing from Carrie’s mind to get into another relationship. With four, children, three of them in grade school, juggling a new career, and her general distrust of men, she had no intentions of getting involved or considering remarriage. But just a few months after her divorce, and old acquaintance sent her a friend request on Facebook—a man she’d dated before meeting her husband. He had not ever married since their dating relationship, and had always maintained a fondness for her even though she’d broken it off with him all those years ago. The reason? Says Carrie, “At the time, he was too spiritual for me. I had no relationship with God in those days and he always wanted to read the Bible and pray with me.”

But today, that’s exactly the kind of person Carrie has become. The two have been steadily dating long distance since September, spending much of that time in—you guessed it—prayer and Bible study! Carrie is full of optimism thinking about the possibilities, but she’s still waiting on God’s direction and timing since everything is so new. And the best part is the joy and peace she feels.

“The biggest thing I have experienced by waiting on God is that I have no regrets,” says Carrie. “There’s disappointment in the way things turned out in my marriage, but there’s no regrets, and that means no guilt. I believe I did everything God asked me to do so I feel a total release from my past.”

As we head into 2010, Carrie’s story is a great reminder to love the nos from God, and to wait patiently to see how they are going to lead to the yeses.

This is my last post for the singles blog (Lee still has one to go next week), and I hope you have enjoyed this year together as much as we both have. Keep on being faithful and seeking your First Love. I hope we have been a joyful and encouraging part of that journey for you.

~ Julie

Lonely Holidays Can Become Feasting Holy Days

Lee Warren and Julie Ferwerda — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 19:59:08 GMT

It happens every year. Seas of lonely singles and hurting people find that the holidays only magnify their pain and feelings of isolation, like tearing the scab off an unhealed wound. While families and couples gather in plain view for festive togetherness and merry-making memories, the ache for many left out in the cold is vast and raw. If you are one of the hurting masses, what can possibly soothe the pain of the dreaded holidays?

Let me begin by letting you know that for the past few years, I could easily fit into the lonely, hurting group over the holidays. First of all, due primarily to divorce circumstances, I’ve had despairingly inadequate time with my two girls during the coveted holidays in recent years. Add to that, my only sister and her husband suddenly cut themselves off from the family nine years ago, along with their five children. That left a huge and lonely gap in family gatherings since, reducing our get-togethers to just my family and my parents (my husband’s family all live either in other states or overseas). And then for the past six holiday seasons, my beloved mom struggled through various stages and treatments for cancer. Last year, we spent Christmas and New Year’s a thousand miles away at Mayo Clinic while she got more treatment. She finally succumbed to the battle this past summer, so this is my first holiday season without her.

I’ve had many people ask me, “I’ll bet the holidays are going to be really hard for you this year, huh?” You know, even though I have lots of reasons why they could be depressing and downright devastating, this year I have a new attitude—a new hope. Things are going to be different. That’s because over the last year I’ve discovered a secret long forgotten: God-established Holy Days.

You see, long ago and far away, God established special Holy Days called “Feasts.” They were at least partly about taking out time to fast from the world and feast on God. They hinged on personal cleansing, intimate worship, and extreme celebration of His greatness. They also foretold about future events—some fulfilled already, some not yet—events that would shape the course of His-story. In a nutshell, these events were completely and totally about acknowledging and honoring our amazing Creator while getting our eyes off the fallen creation.

But then came holidays. Many of the current holidays we observe are presented to be and even seem like they are about celebrating God, but really at the core, they are not. If they were solely about God, they would not be disappointing in the least. These man-made holidays focus on people and things—get-togethers, gift exchanging, decorations, greeting cards, romance—and that is why they have the capacity to leave us wanting, empty, disappointed, and lonely. They are designed to be about us—our parties, our traditions, our families, our memories, even our own ideas about worship. But our best efforts at trying to successfully remake Holy Days into holidays have fallen short.

I’m not saying for a moment that it is wrong to embrace traditions, to gather as families, or to celebrate life and loved ones. But if we truly want to find fulfillment, celebration, joy, and peace, we must return throughout the year to God’s way of making the Holy Days about Him, and not about us. When we get our eyes off the flesh, and focus upon the Holy, there is no room for emptiness, loneliness, disappointment, or despair. On the contrary, those days become a Feast for the heart and soul!

In our times, God does not want us to observe His Feast days as just another religious ritual. In the quietness of our hearts, or perhaps behind closed doors either alone or with our families, we can once again learn about the true prophetic meanings and then observe His Holy Days, keeping our celebration purely and simply about Him. It is one great way to begin healing a lonely heart for every day of the year.

Upcoming Holy Days, 2009-2010

December 12-19, 2009: Hanukkah or Festival of Lights
March 30-April 6: Passover/Feast of Unleavened Bread
May 19-20 (sunset to sunset): Feast of Weeks or Pentecost
September 9-10 (sunset to sunset): Feast of Trumpets or Rosh Hashanah
September 18: Day of Atonement
September 23-30: Feast of Tabernacles or Ingathering
Every Friday sundown to Saturday sundown: Sabbath rest and celebration of our Father

More info on God-established Holy Days
(Be sure to check out the sections that reveal the Messiah in each Holy Day description.)

~ Julie

Can a Guy be Too Nice?

Lee Warren and Julie Ferwerda — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 23:20:31 GMT

"What do you want to do?"

"I don't know, what do you want to do?"

"Surprise me."

I can't tell you how many times I've had that conversation with a woman over the years after she got into my car. I've always had this fear of being like one of the guys from her past--the type of guy who just charges ahead without taking her wants and desires into account.

But it's deeper than that. I didn't want to be another guy on her jerk list, so I became ultra-nice guy.

Ultra-nice guy doesn't want to take a woman to a place she might not enjoy. He is also usually so focused on being nice that he isn't good at actually picking up on what she might enjoy. And so the cycle goes.

I have never lived the rest of my life this way. I invite friends to go to baseball games, movies, concerts, and sometimes, even fishing. And I often go with them to places and events they prefer. By doing so, we see each other in our natural elements and we learn even more about each other.

Ultra-nice guy doesn't make an appearance around friends. I've come to the conclusion that he shouldn't make an appearance while on a date either. He's too generic, too phony, and too self-absorbed. All of those facts became a shade clearer to me in the past few days as I've read the novel The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks.

In the novel, a 17-year-old girl named Ronnie is visiting her father in North Carolina for the summer. Her parents are divorced and she's trying to make the best of a bad situation. While visiting her dad, she falls for a guy named Will. Here is her thought process regarding him:

"Too many guys simply rolled over these days, thinking that being nice was all that mattered. And it did matter, but not if the guy equated being nice with being a doormat. She liked the fact that he'd taken her fishing, even though she hadn't been enthusiastic about it. It was his way of telling her, This is who I am, and this is what I enjoy, and of all the people I know right now, I want to enjoy this experience with you. Too often, when a guy asked her out, he picked her up without the slightest idea of what to do or where to go, eventually forcing her to come up with the plan. There was something so wishy-washy and clueless about that. Will was anything but wishy-washy, and she couldn't help liking him for that."

Of course, this passage is written by a man through the eyes of a female character, but it still has a ring of truth to it, especially in light of Scripture, which calls a man to lead. By doing so, he gives her a chance to see who he really is and it gives her an idea about how might lead her if they decide to enter a relationship.

In turn, he learns what she does and doesn't enjoy. As he learns more about her preferences, they engage in activities she enjoys and he discovers more about her.

Ideally, they would already believe they are a good match before getting too invested emotionally, but that isn't always possible.

The point is, there's really no place for ultra nice guy in this equation. He serves no purpose. So it's time to say good-bye to ultra nice guy.

~ Lee

Small, Good Things in the Midst of Grief

Lee Warren and Julie Ferwerda — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 19:36:06 GMT

An Interview with Matt Brouwer

Recently, I had the great pleasure of meeting the very talented musician, Matt Brouwer, at a conference I attended in Houston where he led worship. This past October, Matt received the Covenant Award for “Fan Choice Artist of the Year.” At 31, Matt is still dating, and learning to look for the “small, good things” in life.

Julie: What is the best part about single life?

Matt: Being able to respond to an opportunity without hesitation or prior responsibilities. I have been able to experience some amazing things at a moment’s notice—like an overseas trip—because someone canceled last minute. So that kind of freedom is definitely an advantage.

Julie: What has been the hardest part?

Matt: Not having someone to share the ups and downs of life with. I've always been one of those people who experiences something great and immediately I have to tell someone about it. It can be hard to travel so much and not have that one person to share everything with.

Julie: Share a special lesson you’ve learned this year.

Matt: I read a short story a few years ago called “A Small, Good Thing” by Raymond Carver. The exact details of the plot are a little sketchy in my memory, but essentially the story tells of a married couple who have a young daughter (their only child) and she is about to have a birthday. In anticipation of the big day, the parents order a birthday cake from a local bakery. Days later, tragedy strikes and the daughter is hit by a car and badly injured. The couple goes through all of the emotional horrors of waiting for the little girl to wake up, but instead she suddenly dies, even to the shock of the doctors.

The couple finds themselves having to go down to the bakery to cancel the previously ordered birthday cake, now that their daughter is gone. When the baker realizes why they are cancelling the order, he immediately softens, inviting the emotionally despondent couple to sit while he serves them fresh pastries. The food and the conversation offer simple comfort and, though it is mostly unspoken, the three people begin to share the grief in a small but powerful way.

I experienced one of these moments not long ago on a mid-June evening after my sister's funeral at her family’s farm in Ontario. At 42 she died of cancer, leaving behind her husband and three teenage kids. After the funeral was over everyone was exhausted, emotionally wrung out, and physically drained. When we got back to the house, I noticed right away that my nephews were missing. I was told that they were out back somewhere in the dark, making a campfire.

The fresh air hit my face as I stepped out of the house to follow the flickering light of the distant campfire. When I got closer, I found four of my nephews sitting around the fire. Sitting down with them, I was amazed that two of these young men had just watched their mother’s coffin get lowered into the ground. I was amazed because their earlier sullen faces and almost complete silence had now given way to initiative. A campfire was something they loved…something they knew about. So along with two other cousins, they left the solemn crowd and built a fire.

For a while we all sat, mostly silent, under the dark clear night as it revealed a breathtaking view of the stars. But the night sky soon became the subject of our conversation. We pointed out planets and guessed at which ones they might be, watched falling meteorites, and strained to catch the moving satellites along their paths. We talked about how cool it must be to travel into space and see the earth from that perspective. We talked about how hard it is to fathom beginnings and endings in the face of something so huge as the universe. We talked and talked into the night.

Though topics really weren't all that important, the moment was rare and precious—a small, good thing in the midst of grief and loss, where a bit of comfort was found in something as simple as a campfire. I will never forget that moment—the stars, the conversation, and the campfire—all reminders that God is with us even in dark places, in sadness, in silence.

Julie: Can you encourage a struggling single who feels lonely or discouraged?

Matt: Don't sweat it! It's easy for me to say this right now since I'm now in a serious relationship with an awesome girl, but it's still true. There are so many wonderful advantages about all stages of life. I have thoroughly enjoyed my single years, and I’ve realized that the times of stressing out that I'd never find, “the one” never helped the situation. I've heard this saying so many times that it started making me angry, but it's so true. The best way to be in a position to find something you desperately want? Stop looking for it.

More about Matt Brouwer:

Matt’s organic pop melodies reveal a lyrical honesty that is both refreshing and, at times, raw. His heart is to serve, and to make a lasting impact where there is great need, both at home and around the globe. He and friends founded New Beginning Resources (NBRI), a relief organization that operates in Guatemala, Haiti and Ecuador. NBRI’s goal is to support missionaries and medical work, and to help educate children and give them hope for a brighter future. Amidst mission travels and making music, a grounding factor in Matt’s life is his church community. He’s a part-time worship leader and artist-in-residence at The Woodlands United Methodist Church in Houston, Texas.

To learn more or check out his inspiring and music, visit Matt Brouwer's Web site!

Single and Thankful

Lee Warren and Julie Ferwerda — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:35:39 GMT

From Lee:

Last Thanksgiving, I was in a reflective mood. Maybe it was the aroma of turkey wafting through the house. Maybe it was the notion of watching football without worrying about anything else (hey, more than one man has been inspired by a football game!). But I tend to think it had more to do with the simple realization that life is good, and I needed to thank God for it.

I pulled out my moleskine notebook and began to write:

“At Mom’s for Thanksgiving dinner. Got here early to help with the turkey and to do whatever I can to help.

“The front window is open. Clanci [Mom’s cat] is sitting in her condo as a cool breeze filters in. It’s 4:15 p.m., and the sun is going down already. A red candle flickers on the nearby TV tray and the Cowboys are up on the Seahawks 27-3 in the second quarter.

“The turkey is almost done and for the first time in a couple of years, everything seems settled, normal. At least as normal as life ever gets. And I’m thankful—not for normal, but for God’s grace that sustained us when life got difficult. ”

I wrote more, but you get the gist.

The past couple of years leading up to that point were chaotic. My mom had a stroke in 2007, and my family had several other issues to deal with, much like every family does. We still had other challenges to face, but Thanksgiving gave me some down time to pause and thank God for all he had already done in our lives.

I felt especially thankful on this particular day to be able to have a nice dinner with my family. Sure, I wished I had wife or girlfriend by my side for it. But, in all reality, being around other loved ones was more than enough.

In some small way, it reminded me of Rebekah’s situation. In Genesis 24, she was single and working in the context of her nuclear family. Abraham’s servant initially met her at the well, where she drew water. After learning that the servant needed a place to stay for the night, she invited him to stay at her family’s house. Rebekah’s brother, Laban, greeted them. Shortly thereafter, they sat down for a meal.

Abraham’s servant knew God has orchestrated the events of the day to make it clear that Rebekah would be Isaac’s wife. Rebekah already understood this, but now it was up to Rebekah’s family to hear the case.

Some believe Rebekah’s father, Bethuel, was incapacitated because Laban was serving as the head of household. That was probably the case, but Bethuel was involved in the decision-making process (see Genesis 24:50).

The point is life wasn’t perfect for Rebekah. Her father was probably in ill health and she was single. Judging by her reaction to the marriage proposal, she was quite ready for marriage, but it just had not happened yet. So, she was doing what I was doing last Thanksgiving; joining her nuclear family for a meal and serving them whenever possible. It’s where she belonged at that point in her life.

This Thanksgiving, I hope you’ll dine with your nuclear family if your situation will allow it. If not, find a family to break bread with or invite friends, neighbors, or other single people to your place for a feast. If you cannot find people to spend the holiday with, let your pastor or deacon know.

Wherever you end up dining, take some time to thank God for everything he’s doing in your life. He loves you and longs to fellowship with you.

Last Minute Miracles

Lee Warren and Julie Ferwerda — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 17:41:56 GMT

One of my all time favorite seasons in my relationship with God was when I was single after divorce. Bear in mind this was after 13 years of marriage. I had two young girls and had been a stay at home mom for seven years. I faced the insecurity of going back to work to try to support myself, and at this lonely period many of my church friends had deserted me. But, what should have been a dark, gloomy time turned into the greatest season of blessings of my life. How is this possible?

I saw the last minute miracles. I learned more about God’s character as my Protector and Provider in those two years of being single—when He was my only hope—than I ever had in the 32 years before when I always had a backup plan.

One of the first miracles happened with a car. My ex had taken our newer large family car and left me with an old two-door clunker that was neither practical nor particularly safe for carting around two small children. I prayed about it for a few weeks and one day felt God direct me to a used roomy Ford Explorer in the classified ads. The only catch was that I did not want to be in debt but I had to take out a short-term loan until I could sell my other car to pay off the newer one, and the loan would be due in 30 days.

During the first 29 days, I put ads in the paper, signs on the car windows, and tried everything I could think of to sell that car. Nothing. Not even one phone call inquiry. On day 29, I told God, “You led me to buy a better car. You also promised You would take care of me. What are you going to do to sell this car by tomorrow?”

That evening, at 8:00 p.m., I heard a knock at the door. I opened it to find my neighbor from across the street, an elderly man, explaining that he wanted to buy my car. No he didn’t want to test drive it. No he didn’t want to haggle over the price. I couldn’t believe it. He hadn’t said anything for 29 days, and here he was, holding out a check for the full selling price. “Lord, my neighbor is buying this old car. You better keep it running!” That was 10 years ago, and do you know, that dinosaur is still running!

The second miracle came when I had all of five dollars in my checking account and needed a mortgage payment by the end of the week. I was only working two days a week at the time as a hair stylist, and I had serious doubts that I would be able to get enough clients in two days to make my payment. Besides, this was early on after the divorce and I didn’t even have a regular clientele built up yet. I called my boss before heading into work to see what was on my schedule for the day. She told me, “It’s been really slow! You don’t really have anything on the books today—sorry.”

I hung up the phone and prayed once again. “Lord, you promised! What are you going to do to solve this financial need before Friday?”

As soon as I got to work, my boss announced excitedly, “I don’t know what happened, but as soon as we hung up, the phone started ringing off the hook. You are completely booked today…I hope you brought your running shoes!”

You can guess what happened from there. I made just enough to pay my mortgage in full that week.

I had many such miracles and reassurances those two years of being thrust out on my own. Because of that, I wouldn’t trade those years for anything. God became more real to me than ever, and His provision became an understanding between him and me. In the years since, I have a foundation of simple trust that He will take care of me during difficult times. I would never have this trust had it not been tested and had He not had the opportunity to prove Himself.

I encourage you to think of your single years as one of the greatest times of opportunity to grow in intimacy and trust in your Jehovah Jireh (provider). If you take your needs to Him, you will learn God’s character like never before. It would be contrary to His nature not to provide for and protect you when you ask. He wants to show you who He is. He wants to become real to you through last minute miracles.

~ Julie

The Art of Conversation

Lee Warren and Julie Ferwerda — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 21:59:55 GMT

The small group I’m in at church just branched out and started a new small group—attracting several new people and a few I had already met. At our first meeting last week, the leader handed us two index cards and asked us to write down a question on each one.

Each question was supposed to be an ice breaker—something a person might ask a stranger to get to know a little about the person. After we wrote our questions down, we handed the index cards back to the small group leader. He shuffled them and each of us drew two questions, and then we answered them as best we could.

One of the questions I drew asked me to name three people I consider heroes, and then I was supposed to explain why they were my heroes. One of the people I mentioned was my grandfather. He died in 1985, when I was 19 (no doing the math regarding my age!); he taught me so much.

My parents divorced when I was eight years old and, for obvious reasons, their relationship was strained after that and it left a male void in my life.

My grandfather tried to fill that void by being a positive male role model. He did a great job. He’d take me into his workshop and allow me to “help” him with various fix-it projects. He took me hunting and fishing. When I was old enough, he took me out on a dirt road and taught me how to drive. And he showed me how to treat a woman with respect by treating my grandmother with respect. Basically, he modeled manhood for me.

I explained this to my small group and a couple of them asked me follow up questions. By the time I finished, they were beginning to see the real me. And likewise, as I listened to the answers to the questions they drew, I got a good glimpse at what makes them tick.

It was a great exercise because the conversation we had went deeper than our thoughts about the latest college football game or what we thought about the most recent FlashForward episode. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with either of those topics, but by digging deeper, we got to matters of the heart.

As I drove home, I thought about how beneficial it would be to have similar types of conversations with fellow singles. So many of us are lonely and I wonder if part of the reason we feel that way is because our conversations with people are often so shallow.

A few days before I attended this small group meeting, I picked up a book called 4,000 Questions for Getting to Know Anyone and Everyone, by Barbara Ann Kipfer. I bought it because it provides great writing prompts for my personal blog. The day I bought it though, I sat with two friends in a coffee shop and used the book to steer our conversation. The questions we discussed dealt with family history, our quirks, our thoughts about free will, etc.

Most of my friends’ answers didn’t surprise me because I know them both well, but I was surprised by a couple of answers—not in a good or bad way. I was just genuinely surprised. By asking them deeper questions, I learned new truths about them in a short period of time, and I suspect they did with me as well. We made a real connection.

All of this makes me think about the next time I’m around a bigger group of singles. There’s nothing wrong with small talk to begin with, but what if the conversation went a level or two deeper? Think about the ministry value. People might not feel so alone in their struggles. And think about the common bonds that people might form. It might even set the stage for a love connection.

~ Lee

Claim Your Prize in The Amazing Race of Life

Lee Warren and Julie Ferwerda — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 13:44:55 GMT

One way that my husband and I vicariously satisfy our bug for travel, competition, and adventure is by watching the TV reality series, The Amazing Race. It’s a contest where teams of two travel around the world, completing challenges and feats arranged by the producers in each country they visit. They may have to do things like rappel down a skyscraper, eat fried scorpions, learn and perform a traditional dance, milk a camel, or even bungy jump off a high bridge.

Unfortunately, those are not the only challenges they encounter. Along the way they might get flat tires, run out of gas, lose precious time from traffic jams or clueless taxi drivers, run out of money, lose passports, or even be assigned an uncooperative animal. They frequently have trouble navigating maps, following directions, and communicating amid language barriers. In addition, they constantly battle vindictive competitors.

Why would anyone set themselves up for this kind of intimidation and aggravation? What would keep someone going in a grueling contest where they face exhaustion and paralyzing fears in order to progress? In the end, it is solely and simply about one thing: The PRIZE. $1,000,000! Now that’s motivation. Who couldn’t use a million bucks?

The Christian life is a lot like The Amazing Race in many ways. If we want The Prize, we are going to have to willingly endure the obstacles, trials, and difficulties along the way—and do it in such a way that we become victors in faith instead of victims of our circumstances!

Paul frequently mentioned the prize and living in such a way that we not get disqualified or quit. He was not speaking of salvation, which is a free gift by faith in Jesus Christ. Paul spoke of the future prize that is given for overcomers of the faith—those who live an obedient, fear-defying, faith-based, sacrificial life in Christ under the continuous guidance of the Holy Spirit. What is the coveted prize and reward? Check out a summary in Hebrews 11:32-25:

“For time will fail me if I tell of Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, of David and Samuel and the prophets, who by faith conquered kingdoms, performed acts of righteousness, obtained promises, shut the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, from weakness were made strong, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight...and others were tortured, not accepting their release, so that they might obtain a better resurrection...” (if you wish to know more about the “better resurrection,” you can read more about it on my website at www.JulieFerwerda.com).

Though there is a future reward, surely there also is a reward NOW for living as an overcomer. God promises things like peace, purpose, and provision for those who dare to live by faith and obedience (Jer. 29:11, Rom. 8:6, Matt. 6:33). He promises abundant life NOW to those who stay continuously connected to the Vine (John 10:10 and John 15:5).

One of the great threats to claiming your prize (both now and later) is fear. As a single person pursuing the life of an overcomer—an Amazing Racer—I want to encourage you to learn to face your fears so that they will not disqualify you from the race or make you give up. Fears at this stage in life can come in many forms:

· Fear of failure at relationships

· Fear of being alone

· Fear of not living out your dreams

· Fear of facing God-orchestrated leaps of faith alone

· Fear of not being able to survive financially

· Fear of missing out on God’s best plan for your life

What will get you and I through the paralyzing fears on our way to being overcomers while living a life of great faith? What will help us live in the prize now and get us on our way to receiving the prize later? It is getting a proper view of the immensity, the power, and the goodness of our God.

There’s a great biblical account that contrasts the difference between overcomers (Amazing Racers) and the overcome. When the Lord was leading the Israelites into the Promised Land (their Prize!), He sent 12 spies to get a report. Two came back and said, “Let's go at once to take the land. We can certainly conquer it!" But ten came back and said, “All the people we saw were huge…giants even! We felt like grasshoppers next to them. We can't go up against them—they are stronger than we are!" (Numbers 13:30-33).

What was the difference in the two reports? Two focused on the power and might of the unlimited God they serve and the reward He offered. Ten saw themselves as grasshoppers. Two saw only mere men milling about. Ten saw giants bigger than their “god” standing in the way of victory.

Remember that you can’t run and win an Amazing Race while being consumed or controlled by fear. In fact, the way you handle your fears will determine your destiny. If you panic and try to take control, you will only multiply your fears and your problems. But if you apply yourself to learning the truth about how big is your God, you will overcome.

Today remind yourself that you are no grasshopper with God. Wherever He is leading you, there is a prize involved, but first you must overcome in His power.

Single Purpose

Rejuvenated Hope

Every “No” is a “Yes” to Something Better

Suggested December Reading

Lonely Holidays Can Become Feasting Holy Days

Can a Guy be Too Nice?

Small, Good Things in the Midst of Grief

Single and Thankful

Last Minute Miracles

The Art of Conversation

Claim Your Prize in The Amazing Race of Life