Mommy and the Joyful Three

Adding Up Your Children Individually

Erin James — Wed, 15 May 2013 20:40:24 GMT

In my post last week, I talked about raising daughters. I wanted to continue my thoughts on that subject this week.

Both of my daughters are vastly different in personality. My oldest is a more conservative, worrying type. She has a huge humanitarian heart and seeks God, but tends to focus on the negative at times. My youngest daughter is one of those people you cannot bring down.

An example of their differing personalities is a conversation they recently had. My oldest daughter told her younger sister that she was fat. I was very upset about this and told her to apologize. I could not believe she would say something so mean to her sister.

My younger daughter shocked me however and replied, “It’s OK, Mommy. I don’t care if I am fat. I am the most adorable thing ever.”

I am not so sure I can credit her positive personality or high self-esteem to my parenting, but it was a feel-good moment for me as a mother.

All of us are different. Our differing personalities evolve and are established during our childhood. When I first had my two girls, I assumed having daughters meant I’d be raising two very alike children. I was very wrong. My daughters are night and day.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that I cannot parent my three children the exact same way. With my daughters, I must recognize that while my oldest is well adjusted, in most ways, her self-esteem is not as high as it should be. With my youngest, I must understand that while her self-esteem is very high, there are other things with which she struggles.

Parenting can seem like a math problem sometimes. As parents, we have to add and subtract, multiply and divide. We must add to the areas they may feel insecure about, subtract their negative notions, multiply the love and divide our time accordingly to each of our children.

We will miscalculate and come to the wrong answer, but as long as God’s love is the common denominator, our children will be blessed. They will grow up and become the men and women of God they are destined to be.

God created each of us in His image, but that image is vast and full of depth. Our personalities, desires and feelings are all unique to us. This, to me, is the most amazing thing about being one of God’s creations. We are all priceless masterpieces. Our value is immeasurable. If we have a keen eye, we will be able to appreciate the fine art that God created in each of our kids.

Every year for my children’s birthdays, I write a poem or a list pointing out each of the things that amazes me about them. Try doing the same and you’ll find yourself being even more grateful for the complexities of each of your own kids.

God does not expect us to live up to one another, just that we seek Him and follow His teachings. My younger brother was a very easy child. He seemed to always do the right thing and my parents hardly had to worry about him. My older brother was an over-achiever, graduating early and working hard to succeed. I was a difficult child; I had learning disabilities and struggled in most areas.

My parents did not love one of us over the other. My mother recently told me that her parenting style for me was a cause and effect reaction more than a plan. She never knew what to expect, so she would parent in a reactive style.

For a long time, I resented my parents for the choices they made, feeling like they did not understand me. Now that I’m a parent, I am realizing how hard it is to know the “right” answers.

If you have a child with learning disabilities or difficulties, take the opportunity to praise them about the areas in which they do excel. This does not mean that we should allow our children to walk all over us or be undisciplined. It instead means that we praise the good while we address the bad, just as God does with us. Let’s parent in a way that is rooted in forgiveness and compassion.

If you are struggling, seek godly counsel. Outside help can do wonders. Seek out a family counselor or a trusted pastor and explain your situation. Allow them to guide you along with God’s love and your parenting will benefit. Above all else, pray for God to directly give you guidance as to how to parent your children. Our Heavenly Father knows best.

God’s Desire for Our Daughters

Erin James — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 20:14:15 GMT

Recently, I wrote about the things I would like my son to know about Jesus as he becomes a man of God. It made me think about my daughters and what I would like them to learn as they grow.

Self-esteem, be it high or low, influences the choices we make in life. Naturally, I am concerned about my daughters’ self-esteem as they get older. As a mom, I endeavor to instill in them self-worth, understanding that even their shortcomings are a part of who they are. While I want them to always strive to be better, I am aware that every child is different. My youngest daughter is not as good at Math as her sister, so we encourage her artistic talents while helping her improve in the areas she finds challenging.

Young girls need to learn to value their bodies. As parents, we need to teach them why it’s biblically and logically wise to be abstinent. God commands us to save ourselves until marriage for spiritual and physical reasons. He knows what’s best, so it’s our job to teach our girls (and boys) that way.

While we all make mistakes, it’s better to reach our daughters now the wise way to make decisions rather than rely on the correction we may give down the road. I want to help my daughters make the right choices by making them feel they are worth respect. Our daughters need to learn to have the courage and wisdom to walk away from any man who abuses them.

These days, sex can be confused with love as can abuse. It’s almost as if dysfunctional relationships are OK, that if there is no drama, there is no love. This is not true.

My daughters have in them a light and love God gave them. It is up to me as their mother to nurture this so that they someday will be the strong women of God they are supposed to be.

From where does self esteem come? The home. If we constantly pick at our children or fail to point out their gifts, we are not helping our children. We should always focus on our beautiful daughters in a way that no matter how cruel the world can be, they feel safe knowing God loves them and they are loved at home.

Our daughters should seek God, not men, the Bible and not the latest trends. We all want our daughters to be happy, healthy and secure in the Lord. Let’s do our part, as parents, to see that happens.

God has great plans for our children. He gave them to us for a reason. We will all fail, as moms and dads, but God can restore. Love is the key to showing our children who God is, and that will help them make godly choices.

How to Raise a Godly Son

Erin James — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 21:14:36 GMT

My beautiful son turned four last week. My bright, always active little guy is pure joy in my life. Even his messes make me happy because he’s here making them. Lately, I’ve been thinking about how I want him to grow up loving Jesus and about what kind of man I hope he becomes.

This week, I’d like to share a few things about what rearing a son means.

Love.

First and foremost, I want to raise a godly man, one who is on his knees in prayer to get through struggles. I want him to seek Jesus in all situations and to know it is only Jesus who can bring answers and relief from trials. If my son knows the love of our Savior, then he will be able to love others the way he should.

Leadership.

Only a man of God will be a true leader. I hope my son can lead his wife and family with God in the forefront. Leadership does not mean being the CEO of some big company or even being a pastor. It means being a leader to those who you are surrounded by in all of your choices. I want my son to grow to be a person whose actions are inspirational to others.

Family.

I hope for my son to find a wife and have a family someday. I want him to love his wife as a man of God. I want him to value his children and family and to grow together with them. I hope for him to have a godly perspective of marriage and to seek council from other Christians when he struggles. All marriages need work. If he keeps his focus on God, he will be able to walk through any trial.

Respect.

I don’t want my son to feel entitled to a woman’s love. I want him to value it. I want him to work to show his future wife or any woman in his life that they deserve to be treated with dignity. It hurts me to see how much verbal and emotional abuse happens. I want my son to always think about what he says and does before he acts.

Our Relationship.

I want to be a mother who is there for him and respects his choices in life. I want to give him advice, but in a loving manner. I don’t want to be a hindrance between him and his path. I only hope to show him the right way with love and guidance.

When I had my son, I knew God had handed me a gift. He is such a caring, compassionate little man already. I only hope to help him grow in this way by showing him how to live a godly life.

My goal is to raise a man. I am holding a boy right now, but it is my job to prepare him for his future. I am a parent raising future parents.

The Devil in Divorce

Erin James — Tue, 02 Apr 2013 20:34:29 GMT

Divorce is common these days. My kids often ask me why they do not have a stepmother or stepfather like their friends.

If your marriage is not working and it’s harming you or your children, seek wise counsel about the appropriate options for your family.

We don’t marry someone believing we will end up enemies. You don’t believe that the one person you felt you could invest your life in could be the one who would attempt to destroy it.

If your family is going through a separation or divorce, keep these things in mind:

1. Little ears hear everything.

Our words are so powerful. A punch can’t match the damage words can do. When you are angry and frustrated, endeavor to keep your words in check.

Saying slanderous statements about someone, even earshot of kids, can potentially be a detriment to your own health and spirit. Words can come back and harm you in the future. When you speak negatively about your spouse or ex, it reflects badly on you. Before you speak, think. Remember that the things we say influence and spread.

Do not disclose something that could possibly make you or your spouse look bad in regards to custody. We sometimes forget that even during a divorce the family is a unit. If your spouse is doing things that are not right, speak with a godly therapist who can direct your steps. Don’t rely on the opinions of your biased friends.

2. Pray together.

This is not easy if your spouse is not a person who seeks God. If they do not pray with you, pray for them. When I speak to God about the people who are upsetting me, it ends up making me love them more. It helps you to remember that we are all God’s children. And in that prayer time, God will show you how to forgive.

3. Remember the reason.

Divorce should be looked at as more of a disarming rather than a first shot against each other. During and following the divorce, remember that anger leads to actions and vindictive behavior that’s unbeneficial to anyone.

I know a family that is an excellent example of this. The ex not only embraces her son’s new stepmother, but has also befriended her. Holidays are spent together; they help each other. They understand that being angry is harmful to everyone, especially children. This applies to in-laws and common friends as well.

4. This is not a game.

Stress can break children down. Remember what it feels like to be put in the middle of a battle. Imagine your child is the only one saving the king on a chess board from checkmate. This task and pressure that comes with it is difficult.

Satan loves games. He loves to see us at war with each other. Do not allow him to run your situation. Keep God in focus and at the center of all of your decisions. Allow Him to guide you.

Have you had any of these struggles? What is your advice?

The Battle over the Easter Bunny

Erin James — Tue, 26 Mar 2013 21:10:53 GMT

Easter is so important for us as Christians. It’s when we celebrate the resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ. The focus of Easter, and truly every day, should be on our King. But there’s that pesky rabbit, the one who hands out colorful eggs and candy, lurking around every corner.

So, what is the best way to teach our children that the bunny is not the focus of Easter?

First and foremost, how we, as parents, act will teach our kids how to observe these holidays. The Easter bunny should be secondary to our Savior. This seems like an obvious statement, but it’s easy to focus on the cultural traditions with all of the chocolate, Easter eggs and new outfits more than God.

While I think we should enjoy these moments and our holidays should be fun, it is vital we don’t place as much importance on these traditions as we do on our Lord.

One way to do this is to make sure that all our traditions teach a lesson about the spiritual significance of this celebration. For instance, have a Christian-based theme rather than an Easter bunny theme. While there is nothing wrong with the occasional chocolate bunny, why not make your baskets for your children full of things they can use all year. A new Bible is a great gift to give kids every Easter.

OK, so what about the bunny? What do we do with this larger-than-life rabbit that seems to overshadow the day? That’s really something you have to decide for your family.

In our family, my kids know that Easter is about celebrating the resurrection of Jesus, and that the Easter Bunny is not real. Yes, I am one of those parents. My kids know that the cute, furry bunny they see everywhere at Easter is just a fun way to help us celebrate spring.

When I was growing up, I knew that the Easter Bunny is just a fictional springtime character. My parents would litter the house with Easter eggs and jelly beans, but that was never the focus. Easter was about Jesus. We enjoyed the candy and festivities, but my parents made certain to praise God in word and deed, thanking Him for Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross.

We all go about holidays in a different way. Tell me, is the bunny a part of your Easter or do you shoo him away?

Perfect is Not What Perfect Does

Erin James — Thu, 14 Mar 2013 16:05:00 GMT

I'm in the checkout line holding my three-year-old squirming son, one hand on a cart of groceries, some of which are falling to the floor. My five year old is crying about candy that I will not buy and my eight year old is asking for pretty much within eyesight. Another mother is glaring at my chaotic parade and shaking her head.

A reaction such as hers would have sent me into a panic years ago. Instead, I hike up my big girl sweat pants and push my messy hair out of my face and smile kindly at her. "Your kids are beautiful and I'm so impressed with how they behave." I say honestly to her.

She looks taken aback and then returns the kind smile and admits, "I'm usually the one trying to manage my own children crying in the store." We both laugh and begin to talk about how difficult it is to shop with children.

When my first child was born, I was so caught up in what others thought of me that half the way I parented was not based on instinct but on fear of judgment. I would leave a store in tears if a person commented that my daughter was not dressed warm enough or looked hungry when I knew she had just eaten.

I had this idealistic vision of what a mom was supposed. You would be hard pressed to find me admitting to a bad day. I didn't want anyone to know the struggles I faced as a new mom.

When my second daughter was in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, I would not talk to anyone for fear of them saying I was a bad mom, that I did something wrong. People begged for updates and I would not even respond. I hate to confess that I was embarrassed. I felt I had failed her and others.

The saddest part of this inability to be real with myself and those around me was that my focus was not on God. It crippled me from truly enjoying motherhood.

As a parenting blogger, I can tell you that behind the scenes some of those happy craft days and perfect looking moments there was a lot of frustration. I thought I couldn’t allow my readers to see me flawed. I had to be this ideal image of motherhood. I’ve now realized my children just want me to be me.

My son was diagnosed as "failure to thrive" at a year old. He was only 13.9 lbs. He was healthy, just small. After that doctor’s appointment, I could barely see the road through the tears. I knew I had to update about him in my blog, but what would people think of me? I pulled over unable to compose myself. I turned to him, he smiled widely. "You think I'm a good mommy, right buddy?" He giggled. I sighed and thought that this is one moment in a series of so many I will have as a mom. I thought about how I wasn't even focused on my son; I was just terrified of what others would think. I was not giving him my energy and I wasn't trusting God. I did become a mom and have my kids for other people’s praise, so why was I worried about that?

It's hard to walk with your head held high when scrutiny surrounds you.

I woke up from my daydream of perfection realizing it was a nightmare, smothering my joy as a mom. Do you know I did not have a babysitter for nearly eight years? I felt it would make me a bad mother.

I was overwhelmed. It wasn't just because I felt others judged me; they truly did. We all are inundated by this at points.

Now, I turn a deaf ear to judgment and fix my eyes to our Savior.

Negative words filter through the air like a nasty disease. Like germs, they can infect you, making you sick. We must protect ourselves. You can cough these germs in the air, poisoning others. Or we can all cover our mouths and stop spreading this disease.

When we have something negative to say, pretend it’s "Opposite Day". Say something positive instead. If your words are beautiful, your life will be more so.

Think only about how Jesus’ views of your actions. We're not in the Garden of Eden anymore. We crossed the threshold into a world of imperfection and struggle, Jesus and His way being our only saving grace.

Now, I happily post pictures of my son playing in the mud. I let my kids be kids. I laugh at everything! I laugh at how funny and fun my children are; I laugh instead of worry.

Show and Tell: Learning to Show God's Love More

Erin James — Tue, 05 Mar 2013 21:25:59 GMT

"Mommy, I won't tell you how I do this! I will show you!"

That was my three year old son yesterday morning when I asked him to tell me how he can make such a mess in such a short time. He was proud to demonstrate his aptitude for quick, tornado-like messes.

Though I wasn’t happy, I was impressed that he understood how actions can be more memorable than words at times. I began to think about how many more souls could be saved by showing God’s love instead of just telling unbelievers that He does.

There is a light inside of a true follower of Christ. It’s the way they show His love that is so intoxicating. Unfortunately, our words dim that light sometimes.

Words, on their own and without the conviction of the Holy Spirit, don’t get people closer to God. It’s our Christ-life reactions to life, coupled with the realization of God’s love, that will.

Words can get in the way. God's love shining through our compassion, smiles, helping hands and blessed steps speaks volumes.

Recently, I asked my daughters what it is that they feel they show people about Jesus. My oldest daughter replied: "Gratitude, laughter and loving people." My middle daughter said, "Me!" She hit the nail on the head. Our actions bear witness to Christ.

I decided to play a game with my kids. I called it, God's Love Charades. I told my children that they had to demonstrate something about them that comes from the love of God and from following Him as their Savior.

This turned out to be such a fun idea! My oldest showed the act of giving. She gave a toy to her brother. My middle daughter showed the act of compassion and empathy by hugging her brother, whom she told to pretend to cry.

My youngest, my tornado who started this whole thought, he showed mercy. It was days after the original mess, but he began to clean up his most recent mess. Now, I know my three year old does not know the word "mercy", but he knows the act of it.

Let's consider how we "hear" God. You probably never have Jesus shouting in your ear trying to convince you of something. He allows His message to come through the Bible, miracles or sometimes we can "hear" Him speaking in a still, small voice.

Are you more inclined to go towards a peaceful, natural flowing river or a loud, stormy sea? The peace of God will be with you as you show His love.

Words can be trouble makers. Gossip, slander and judgment hurt. Be a healing presence, with God’s help, through your actions and words.

Do you notice God’s love more in words spoken or deeds done?

Parenting: The Line Between Judgment and Love

Erin James — Tue, 26 Feb 2013 21:00:32 GMT

If your child doesn’t do what he’s told, or her personality nags you, or they don’t do what you want the way you want, how do you react?

I love my children for who they are. I know they are not supposed to be just like me. They have their own personalities and quirks. They will grow and have their own interest and reasons for their choices. It’s my job to give them love, guidance and prayer.

A personal family matter was recently brought to my attention. A mother and a brother wrote off a family member because even though they live miles away and do not truly know every detail of her life, they did not like what she was doing.

This girl was devastated and desperately just wanted their approval. Instead, she found it in the worst of places. She didn't want to turn to God because if her family members who are Christians were that judgmental she felt it wasn’t worth the pain.

She is doing fine now. She found love and acceptance finally, and realized that Jesus embodies love, no matter what His “followers” sometimes say and do.

That verse really is true: They will know we are Christians by our love (John 13:35). This should never be replaced with, Christians are recognizable their by judgments.

My children have sides of their personalities that certainly shock me. But, as long as they are serving God and do what's right, I will fully embrace them. If they do stray, it’s my responsibility to cause no harm with words I can’t take back or actions that write them off. The one thing children should be able to count on from their parents is love.

Actions show love more powerfully than words (thought it’s good to say it as well). My kids will feel alone and isolated if I’m always just pointing out what they’ve done wrong.

Parents, we are meant to build our children up! Envision your child being built like a tall, beautiful tower. Each day you add another stone. If you are saying or doing things that tear at your child's self-esteem, you are weakening them. God made us their parents for a reason. We are meant to be the ones who build them into the beautiful Christ-like people they are meant to be.

Sure, it isn't always easy. I never thought I could be upset at my children when they were little. Now, I realize there are sides of my own children that I struggle to love. If a dark day ever comes in their lives, I hope they see our home is where they can find some light and refuge.

Jesus did not turn sinners away. He showed them love and it healed them. That’s our mission, as Christians. Love should overshadow our opinions.

Kindness is not an acceptance of sin. It is merely showing someone who is hurting that there is a real, unfaltering love available to them.

Show God's love to your children. Don’t constantly be the negative voices in their ear. Show them the right way by your actions; and they will love you and God for it.

Finding All Joy in Motherhood

Erin James — Thu, 14 Feb 2013 21:44:06 GMT

It's three in the morning, all I hear is a stuffy little guy snoring next to me and the ticking of a clock. I am exhausted and scared; his fever finally broke after hours of the usual remedies and countless prayers. Still, I am watching him closely, watching the rhythm of the rise and fall of his chest is all I know to do.

I don’t sleep when my children are sick. When my middle daughter Myley had Croup consistently throughout the winter one year I lived a life of all nighters. I would sit with her outside in the cold air rocking her as she slept, listening to her choppy breathing. I would sing softly to her and just hope for relief from her latest bought with illness.

These moments as parents are terrifying. When Myley was born, she was in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit for nearly a month due to a hole in her lung. I was running on a mixture of prayer and fear then too. I would be in such a state of exhaustion it felt like I was not able to function aside from sitting by her machines and again listening to their rhythm. I knew what each beep meant; each little noise became something I was so accustomed to hearing. I still years later have dreams of these sounds. I thought that time would never end. I impatiently wondered how much more of it we could take and when she would just be home where she belonged. I learned something then though that shocked me; even these moments are beautiful.

You have to love where you are at in life. God gives us opportunities to learn and grow from each moment we are given. This does not change when we are raising our children.

I thought motherhood was going to be all bows and baby powder. I never imagined how much work it actually was. It is a full-time position in a child's life.

Things never go as planned in my home. I am learning to just go with the flow and to adjust to new situations as a mom of three. The minute things seem to be running smoothly a new rhythm must be learned. So why would I say that moments of fear are beautiful?

Simple, these are the moments when you see God the most. It is when I slow down. The hectic early days when a baby is born do not allow you to have the moments I did with Myley. I was able to share with her one on one. There were no visitors allowed aside from the parents in the beginning. When the NICU would slow down at night and aside from the hushed nurses and beeping machines, it was quiet. That was when I would stare at my beautiful gift and sing those songs softly and hold her hand. I was not allowed to hold her for a long time, but I cannot tell you how close I felt to her in those moments.

This is what I learned to do, look at the bright side. Find it in those hard times. Behind every obstacle we face as parents, there is something for which we can be grateful. Sure it was hard, but it was where I was and while I am not happy she had to go through what she did, I am grateful for each moment with my children, regardless of the circumstance.

Those days filled with noise, but the nights were when I could hear God speaking to my heart about my child. Soon, I found a supernatural peace, the kind that really does pass all understanding. My outlook became one of happiness and hope. God healed my broken heart by filling in the cracks with acceptance for the walk that was before me. He showed me to smile and that His promise made a beautiful mosaic of something I never knew about motherhood before that time. Life is not always perfect; just give your worry over to God and treasure the people you love.

God never promised that parenting would be easy. In fact, the Bible is filled with stories of parents struggling to raise their children and dealing with tough situations.

The reasons the hardest moments may become the ones we find the most beautiful are because we see our children through God's eyes. He holds us and whispers softly to us in our time of need. His hand always upon us, rocking us through life's ups and downs.

I am still growing and I have these three amazing little children who look to me for guidance. Did you think, as I did, that your parents knew it all? I never doubted that my parents just had the ability to make problems small. I thought that it came naturally. I did not see the worry in my dad's eyes or the exhaustion in my mom's. Now, I know it was not always so easy for them and I realize they had the same fears as parents. Yet they had faith; that faith made them seem invincible to me.

The moments you fear for your children's well being, the moments you cry from exhaustion and feel hopeless are the moments our Father God scoops us up and shows us that we are going to be OK. Finding the peace in the chaos is truly just taking each day for what it gives you and filling it with love and appreciation for all it has. As parents, we must learn to grasp onto each and every second for what it's worth, good or bad, and make it a moment in which we can find the joy of the Lord.

Why Family Dinners Matter

Erin James — Tue, 29 Jan 2013 22:20:31 GMT

I have an awful confession to make… we rarely eat dinner as a family anymore! Since I began losing weight, I’ve lapsed on family meals because I’m cooking separate food for me.

When I was a child, dinner was at 5:30 pm sharp. My father would walk through the door around 5:00, wash up and we would all sit down to eat.

Strangely, while this was a time for us to catch up and discuss our day, it was also the time I feel I received the most parenting advice. My parents were big on table manners. We were even taught that we must ask before leaving the table or grabbing for seconds.

My brothers and I learned respect during these family meals, for the food and for our parents. Dad worked very hard to provide for us; and our mother worked hard on keeping the house maintained. Grace was said with true thankfulness every night before we ate and we took turns saying it.

Also, while this was a time for respect and discipline, it was also a time for laughter and fun. There were not many family meals without some kind of laughter and smiles all around.

So, why should we bring family dinners back to our own house?

I rarely saw my father. He worked hard and was always busy. Dinner and church on Sunday were the times I could count on seeing him. It was important for me to have that with him as a child. He would sit at the head of the table and talk to us about what we were up to, even as we grew older this never changed.

Stability is so important for children. They like to know what comes next. Lately, I feel like my own household, because of a recent move, changes and marital issues, has fallen short in the tradition department.

After a long day in school, what better way to show that they are always a part of something, a family who is always united, than having dinner together.

Psalm 128:3-4 says: Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house: thy children like olive plants round about thy table. Behold, that thus shall the man be blessed that feareth the LORD.

The Bible talks about coming together and allowing the table to be a center piece of your household that your children grow around.

When I first got married, the novelty of takeout around the television was exciting. For someone who grew up with a structured dinner regimen, it was almost as if I was rebelling against the system.

But, no television family is going to compensate for true family time. Don’t lose that bond you have and the memories you have by choosing that instead of spending time with your children and husband.

The other day, a friend of mine mentioned that her grandson noted one morning that it was nice that everyone was sitting together eating. He was calling out the fact that it had become a rarity for them as well.

I hang my head and admit I’ve been known to retreat to my bedroom with my own meal during dinner. I excuse this as my ‘me’ time. But, I am missing on so many memories with my children by doing this.

I vow to do this no more! I am instituting what once was a tradition in my family. We will eat and laugh and talk together.

No more running around last minute trying to decide what to eat. No more last minute takeout orders when the night slips away. Dinner will be something my children expect and anticipate every night.

Do you have family meals? If so, do you find it hard to make this happen every night?