Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Please do not reject me!
I want to be loved, accepted and special!
Please don’t leave! I need you mama! I need you daddy!
I am so alone and empty!
I feel so hopeless! I cannot handle the emotional pain!
I hate myself! I want to die!
What happened? What happened to me? What happened to you? Why has our struggle been with such an intense attraction to the same sex?
As soon as we are conceived we have a tremendous need to be loved and connected to our mothers and fathers. This crucial bonding with each parent begins here, and our tiny fragile, sensitive spirits are very aware of our world in the womb and out. Am I wanted and loved? Will I be rejected? Are mom and dad fighting all the time? Am I safe and secure?
We can be wounded in the womb. Dad really wants a son and he is so disappointed to find out he is having a girl and visa versa. A baby in the womb can receive this disappointment into his or her spirit and perceive it as rejection. A traumatic birth could instill fear in a newborn. They may not feel safe when they enter their new earthly world.
Outside the womb, the baby’s need to be loved, connected, and touched is now more important than ever. Touch is so life giving to all of us for the rest of our lives. Now, when our second life begins outside the womb, our parents become Jesus with skin on. These next formative years will determine the foundation of how we see ourselves. Our sense of being will start to develop and our parents play a big role in this emotional growth. Our parents are not perfect and they cannot give us something they themselves do not have. If they struggle with self-hatred then our self-esteem will be damaged. The bible states in Proverbs 8:21,”The tongue has the power of life and death.” How parents talk to their babies and children will speak life or death to them. We see ourselves as our parents see us. As we grow, we begin to mirror our parents. If they are not positive role models then we will be lost.
So, what happened? The bonding between both my parents were extremely fractured. Some of the damage was out of their brokenness and some was out of traumatic circumstances in our family. Because of this lack of bonding, as a small child I began to make vows and my trust was shattered between my parents. Because I was so little when this happened I kicked into a survival mode not knowing how I was being affected. I did what I needed to survive the pain. As I grew older I became angry, confused and I harbored unforgivness. This unforgivness began to affect all my relationships. It was a cancer to my mind, spirit and soul.
I was so driven to connect to the same sex emotionally and physically. I felt like I was going to die without that connection. I struggled with anxiety because I did not feel loved and accepted by someone of the same sex. I had totally disconnected from the opposite sex. They were not to be trusted. There was a lot of confusion and a huge hole in my soul. I felt so empty. This emotional pain was so intense I began to drink to stop the pain. I was so insecure and hated myself. My sense of being had been shattered and I needed someone to complete me.
When I felt like even God had abandoned me, I decided I had been born this way and I would quit fighting my desires to connect to the same sex and just get used to these unwanted same sex feelings. My hole seemed filled. I could breath again. But my emptiness returned. Now I had a relationship and no God, and guess what– NO PEACE. Somehow I needed to bring the two together. As long as God was first in my life and I could back up my homosexuality with the Bible, then I would embrace my sexuality and be at peace. I could not bring the two together.
Our wounding is complicated and one size does not fit all. We have our own individual stories and we have different reactions. Only the Lord Jesus Christ can show us where we were wounded, rewrite our story, and restore our scarred hearts and shattered spirits.
Lord, keep calling me, drawing me closer
Don’t let me hold back
Whatever it takes I must break through
The heart of a child is broken
But his time has come
Whatever I lost I’ll find in you
(from David Meece’s album Learning to Trust)
We are all wounded. If our parents were perfect we would not need God. To the depth of our wounding is to the depth we can experience God’s love. No matter what you have done in your life, God wants to restore the years that the locusts have eaten. He loves you! Just come to Him as you are!
In Christ, who will never quit pursuing us!
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
There is a lot going on in our country regarding the “volatile” topic of same sex marriage. I can only foresee things setting worse. Already, five states have passed a law legalizing gays to marry. More will follow.
We have witnessed people’s strong negative reactions towards Miss California’s response to gay marriage during the Miss USA contest. She has received death threats all because of her “freedom” to have a difference of opinion about same sex marriage. Christians are losing their freedom to have opinions and disagree with society’s morals, or lack there of. Jim Elliott wrote ”Right is right even if nobody is doing it and wrong is wrong even if everybody is doing it.”
Here are two absolute truths: 1) Homosexuality is a sin and sin is destructive. 2) Jesus Christ is the solution to overcoming sin.
Definition of sin: “Trying to meet legitimate, God given needs in an illegitimate way.”
Jesus sees the person, but Pharisees (judgmental people) see the sin. There are so many tormented people in this world who need to be set free from addictive behavior. Hear lies the problem. People who do not want help cannot be helped. Those who want help are fearful and choose isolation over community. The Lord has given us the wonderful gift of free will, but this gift can also be our cross. We have to come to the end of ourselves, take responsibility for our actions, cry out for our deliverer and enter into a power encounter with Jesus Christ.
Dealing with emotional pain takes a tremendous amount of courage and strength. Emotional healing is painful! I would rather deal with physical pain any day. The emotional pain of our wounding that is not dealt with last all our lifetime. This kind of pain haunts us every day. But, the emotional pain we allow to surface and be healed only last for a season and then we are set free from its sting. I have experienced the pay off of emotional healing and it is worth it! We are afraid that if we allow the emotional pain to surface, it will last forever, but this is a lie. Satan can not endure.
I have felt like there are people struggling with the emotional pain of same sex attraction and who see suicide as an option. Jesus sees your heart of pain and would rather have you alive and living in the gay lifestyle. You may not be able to walk out of your painful situation right now, but Jesus loves you and will continue to pursue you. He will not throw you aside and give up on you. EVER! Jesus misses your fellowship terribly, but He does not want you to take your own life. Thoughts of suicide are not from the Lord at all! They are from the pit of hell.
Because I had such a hard time wanting to walk out of the lifestyle, I would pray Philippians 2:13 “for it is God who works in me to will and to act according to his good purpose.” I asked God to please give me the desire to want to walk away, and then give me the strength to do so. When I finally swallowed my pride and decided to bring my struggle into the light, I found a personal relationship with Jesus Christ along with a lot of supportive, loving friends who have helped me heal and kept me accountable.
Am I married and in love. No. Marriage is not the test to see if I have been healed. My goal has been to get as close to Jesus this side of heaven. If He brings a mate into my life then I am open and willing, but until then give me lots of friends and a church community who love me for me — a beautiful mess.
Go after Jesus! We are all a “beautiful mess” and He loves us so much!
May the Lord strengthen us all to walk in His ways,
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
“The spirit clearly says that in later times some will abandon the faith and follow deceiving spirits….” I Timothy 4:1
I was watching the News the other night and it was reporting that the state of Iowa became the third state in the country to legalize gay marriages. The first thought that attacked my mind was “Maybe being gay is okay.” I then found myself being “drawn” to the images on the TV of excited gay couples waiting to get married. The very next morning in my newspaper, there was a picture of a same sex couple kissing and an article on this breaking news. I immediately thought about a blog written by Iromeo and how he had made life choices not to look at certain videos on Youtube, shows on TV, and even having to turn his head in a class he was taking that was showing inappropriate material. Our society is being inundated with ungodly sexual material which is desensitizing our consciences. We must follow Iromeo’s lead and take offensive actions and guard our hearts and minds!
I do not want to be deceived and abandon my faith. I want to prepare now by deciding how I will act when I face temptations of public homosexual images and news reports. These attacks on our minds and hearts are only going to increase and get worse in the future. Resistance to temptation is easier if our decision has already been made and we do not wait to see what happens when we are tempted. Homosexuality is not a healthy way of life and our society is trying to make it that way. If we are not careful we can be drawn like magnets into this worldly view. Christians who struggle with same sex attractions will become hopeless and go back into the lifestyle. Christians who do not struggle will be deceived and want to support those who do live in the homosexual lifestyle and believe it is a good way of life. Churches will even start to allow and support these relationships in their church.
O God prepare our hearts and minds for the assault on our souls! Help us realize the Kingdom Power we have inside of us when we accepted Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior. The same power that raised Jesus from the dead is within us.
Here are three suggestions on fighting the enemy:
1.) Stay grounded in the word and praise Him. Want2befree88 has recommended many songs. I would go back and reread some of Want2befree88’s previous blogs and use these songs as weapons against satan. He cannot inhabit the praises of God’s people.
2.) Choose life! Make decisions ahead of time not to entertain anything that will draw you into the lies of the enemy. Also, choose to forgive. Unforgivness is a strong foothold for Satan. Trust God to be a good and righteous judge.
3.) Put people around you for support and accountability. None of us can fight this battle alone. We can encourage each other, pray for each other, and speak into each others lives when we are heading in the wrong direction. If we keep our struggles in the dark and satan can isolate us, then we are vulnerable and he will assault our minds with lies.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is a wellspring of life.” Proverbs 4:23
Steve Green writes a song called Guard Your Heart. Listen to a few verses:
Guard your heart, Guard your heart,
Don’t trade it for treasure, Don’t give it away
Guard your heart, Guard your heart,
As a payment for pleasure, it’s a high price to pay
For a soul that remains sincere, With a conscience clear
Guard your heart
The human heart is easily swayed, And often betrayed
At the hand of emotion, We dare not leave the outcome to chance
We must choose in advance, Or live in such tragedy
Guard your heart
Continue to share your stories, so we can support and pray for each other. Do not give up the race. We are all in this together and we will cross the finish line, Victors in Christ Jesus. Your struggles and encouragement for each other has been powerful and a huge blow to the enemy! God bless you all!!!
Redeemed, encouraged, and blessed by your blogs!
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
“Search me O God and know my heart. Try me and know my
anxious thoughts. See if there be any hurtful way in me and
lead me in the everlasting way.” Amen. Psalm
This is a verse I pray everyday. The past couple of weeks the Lord has been bringing more wrong perceptions of Him to the surface of my heart. Over the years, I have invested a lot of work in counceling trying not to see my Heavenly Father the way I see my Earthly Father. In the past I have been so angry – even rageful -- at the Lord. Felt so abandoned and rejected by Him. Not one of these perceptions is part of God’s character, yet to me they felt very true and real.
I was not expecting another layer of anger to surface. I thought I was done with that topic. Here is what transpired: I met a Christian woman in the hospital whose body has started to fail her. She now has to rely on her family for everything. Then, right next door to her was a man who did not know God and his body was also having set backs.
Later that evening my heart exploded with anger at God. Here this faithful woman had served Him the majority of her life and where was He? Why did He allow this to happen to her? Why had he not protected her body? Did it bother Him she was suffering? Couldn’t He see that she was hurting? Where was He? She was His child and He was standing by just expecting her to hang in there for however long. Then, whenever He said it was her time to come home, she would receive her reward in Heaven. I mean I was letting God have it. After I had finished, I realized I was not screaming at my Heavenly Father, but at my Earthly Father.
When I was three, we had a very painful, traumatic event in our family that would alter our lives forever. My father did not know how to handle the hurt, so he left us emotionally during the week and would physically leave us on weekends to escape his pain. He did not seem to care that my mother, my newborn brother, my one year old sister, and me were deeply affected. Couldn’t he see we needed him?
When life is good, I feel close to God. But when life comes at me with struggles and temptations, I think I am to handle them myself because God is not around to give me the strength and power to overcome and make it through.
I want to challenge all of you to pray this verse every day. Ask the Lord to show you where He is when you are struggling with same sex attractions or sitting at a computer tempted to look at pornography? He is there. He always has been, He always will be and He so very much wants to give you the power and strength to overcome whatever comes your way.
I am so thankful that the Lord wants to free us from the lies and misconceptions we have bought into. May He continue to increase my faith and your faith in who He really is as our Heavenly Father.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Being attracted to the same sex was just as normal and natural to me as it was for a man and woman to be attracted to each other. I did not want to be drawn to the same sex, in fact, I do not think anybody feels elated with the discovery of their homosexual feelings, but for me it was all I had ever known.
I had a conversation with God that went something like this: God, I am trying to be something I am not. If homosexuality is really wrong, then please take these intense desires away from me!!! Please, in my heart of hearts, I do not want to be gay, but this is all I have ever known and it feels so right!
The conclusion here is if being attracted to the same sex is all I have ever known, then I must have been created gay.
Here are my thoughts about why we struggle at such a very young age:
I do not believe God created homosexuals, but I do believe a person can be born with homosexual struggles. We are all born into sin. Babies when they are in the womb respond to their mothers and outside stimuli. I think one can be wounded in the womb. Then after we are born, as little children we are great observers, but lousy interpreters. Here is an example of what I mean.
A woman was pushing her little girl in a grocery cart one day. A person came up to her an asked her if she wanted to buy some candy to help support retarded children. The mother said she would be glad to donate some money. She bought the candy and immediately gave it to her daughter. Very upset, the child looked at her mother and asked if she was retarded.
This precious, innocent little girl had observed the whole conversation, but because she was so young she did not interpret correctly what was going on. She actually thought she was retarded.
Dr. Del Tackett of Focus on the Family states: “What we believe in the present is determined in our past.” This mother in the story did not mean to hurt her child in anyway, but her daughter took into her spirit she was retarded. Some wounds are more overt.
Our wounded hearts start getting wounded at very young ages. Why, because parents are not perfect and because satan is after each one of us from the time of our conception. Someone once said,”If parents were perfect we would not need God.”
I need my Jesus every day. This is not the struggle I would have chosen. After I got over being so angry with God, this struggle has brought me into an intimate relationship with Jesus. Through prayer and counseling, He has been faithful to heal wounds I did not even remember receiving as a very young child.
To all those who feel like they were created gay-- this is a lie. Born with deep, deep painful emotional wounds that can be healed-- this is truth. I struggled all my life, but did not reach out for help until I was in my 30’s. Do not wait. No matter how old you are Jesus wants to set you free. God bless you all and continue the good fight.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Wow! I can not believe it is 2009. Over the last couple of weeks I have had a chance to watch several movies on DVD. I am always amazed at how the Lord will speak to us at the most unexpected times. I was watching The Man in the Iron Mask. In it, an evil brother, who wants to rule the country by himself, has his twin brother jailed on an exiled island. He also has him put into an iron mask so no one could recognize who he was. Towards the end of the movie, the exiled brother says “I wear the mask, the mask does not wear me.” This really hit me. It made me think about my struggle with same sex attractions and where I used to be and where I am today. My homosexuality used to define who I was, but today God defines me. I was controlled by my struggle and I did not think I could ever be set free. Now, I have the strength and power of the Holy Spirit to say no and walk away from temptation when it raises its ugly head. I am not a slave anymore to my broken sexuality.
Paul writes in Romans 6: 12-18 “…do not let sin reign in our mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God… For sin shall NOT be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace. …Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey -- whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? But thanks be to God that, though you USED to be slaves to sin…. You HAVE BEEN SET FREE from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.”
Webster’s dictionary defines a slave as a person who has lost control of himself and is dominated by something or someone. That was me! I USED to be controlled by my sexual desires, my drinking, my emotional dependency, rage and the list goes on. BUT NO MORE! I am encouraging all who feel trapped in whatever is going on in your life----there is freedom this side of heaven.
In 2009, choose EACH day who you will serve and be a “slave” to. Refuse to let sin reign in your body and control your actions. Choose life. Choose help. Choose Jesus.
God bless you all and continue the good fight for freedom in 2009.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Merry Christmas! I remember when I was in the lifestyle my Christmases being full of anxiety. I was torn between family and the emotional dependency of wanting to be with my partner. There was no peace or joy in my Christmas.
This holiday season may not be so merry for those struggling with unwanted same sex attractions and their families. In fact, this can be a very stressful and lonely time of the year. Family members may have pushed love ones away not knowing how to handle their homosexual struggle. Others have walked away from a relationship in search of freedom in Christ and feel as if a hole has been blown in their heart. Emotional pain is real and it is awful. I would rather deal with physical pain than emotional pain anytime. I have had tremendous healing when I stopped and face the emotional pain instead of covering it up or running from it.
My heart is going out to all who are struggling this season with same sex attraction and other bondages that usually accompany this sin. For example lots of drinking, depression, suicidal thoughts and whatever satan throws your way. Satan is always busy and he wants to destroy your life.
This season the good news is Jesus was born -- especially for you. Yes, you, the person reading this blog. Jesus is as real and alive today as He was when He was born. He sees your pain and struggle and He wants to help you. You may ask, “Well, if He is so real and alive then why can’t I feel Him or touch Him?” “Why am I hurting so much?” “Why won’t He help me?” At one point in my life these were the questions I asked all the time. I was hurting so badly I just wanted Him to come down and make all the pain go away.
Sin separates us from God. My heart had been taken captive by rage, unforgivness, selfishness, pride and the list goes on. Jesus was after my heart. He does not make us give up the sin in our life, but He wants us to let go of it and choose Him instead. We hang on to it because we do not know how to trust our Heavenly Father. We compare Him to our earthly fathers and God is nothing like our earthly fathers. Jesus will never hurt you. He will never leave you nor forsake you – no matter what you have done in your life.
Jesus was born crucified – for you. He says “Give me your unwanted same sex attractions, your rage, your unforgivness, your pride. Surrender all of your heart and its hurts to me. I am trustworthy, good and I love you.”
His grace and mercies are new every day. When I feel the attacks from Satan, I will set my watch for 1 minute and rest in Jesus’ arms. Sometimes I have to set it over and over again, but I refuse to let satan steal my joy and peace.
This Christmas BELIEVE!!!! Believe He was born for you and that He loves you more than any earthly person. God bless you and your families this season.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Being attracted to the same sex was as normal and natural to me as it was for a man and woman to be attracted to each other. I did not want to be drawn to the same sex, but for me these same sex attractions were all I had ever known. I do not think anybody feels elated with the discovery of their homosexual feelings. I think they just try somehow to make it right.
Now, I had two possible choices to make. 1) I could believe I was born gay and embrace my sexuality, or 2) I could believe God’s word that says I was not created this way and there is a way out. Over the years I have bounced between these two choices. The decision that has brought me the most freedom and joys this side of heaven has been choice number 2.
When I was traveling down road number 1, I was deceived and just trying to make it work. I drank a lot, was emotionally a wreck, and I exhibited dangerous behaviors. Suicide seemed to be the only way out of my misery. I was captive to my unwanted same sex attractions.
Colossians 2:8 talks about how we as Christians CAN be taken captive: See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ. What God says about homosexuality — NOT the world -- was what I choose to believe.
The world says this is who you are. Do not deny yourself your sexuality. Be who God created you to be. I think this is a lie from the father of lies—satan. The truth, that comes only from God, says a homosexual is not who you are. He wants us to draw into Him and let Him tell us who we are In Christ.
So what happens when we do choose number 1? We hang out with people who agree with us. 2 Timothy 4:3-4 confirms this. For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. They will turn their ears away from the TRUTH and turn aside to myths.
What is truth anyway? Truth is reality as perceived by God, not the world. There will always be people around who will verify what we want to hear. In fact, the world bombards us every day with lies about homosexuality and how it is okay. I had to make a choice. You have to make a choice. Believe God or believe the world’s view and what your feelings (which lie) are telling you.
Truth verses lies. These battles have been raging since the Garden of Eden. Choose wisely this day who you will serve, the creature or the Creator. The choice is yours and the choice is mine.
God bless you all and may the Lord Jesus Christ give you the strength to make the right decision.
Monday, October 06, 2008
We have got to settle within our hearts what we really believe God is saying on this subject. If we do not, then we will continue to leave the door cracked for satan to come in and make us doubt the word of God. Satan and the world will have us believing that freedom from the struggle of unwanted same sex attraction is impossible. BUT, what does the Bible say and what do we really believe about this possibility.
Here is the challenge:
WHAT DO WE REALLY, I MEAN REALLY, BELIEVE THE BIBLE SAYS ABOUT:
2. Freedom from this struggle
May the Lord give us all great revelation as we search the scripture for TRUTH!
Continue to fight the good fight, and invite the Lord to take authority over all areas of your life.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
There are two articles I recommend you read. One is When Christians Come Out of the Closet and the other one is An Ex-Gay Speaks Out.
Satan is a liar and a deceiver. What do you think we as Christians need to do to keep from being deceived? How are we to respond to our brothers and sisters in Christ who are trapped in a web of lies? There but by the grace of God go I.
Any of us at anytime can be deceived and bound. We must stay vigilant in our walk with Christ. Our fight is not against flesh and blood, but against principalities. By locking our shields together, challenging each other and supporting each other in our walk, we can defeat the enemy. We cannot fight satan alone.
The first article will break your heart. I am looking forward to reading and discussing your responses. Stay strong in the Lord.