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Family Matters

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Linda Mintle, Ph.D. is a licensed marriage and family therapist, author of 16 books, a national expert on family issues and the psychology of food and weight. She's an assistant professor in the department of pediatrics at Eastern Virginia Medical School, a national speaker, writer, and news contributor.

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<< I Love My Mother, But… | Blog Home | Dealing with a Narcissist in the Family >>

What Does It Mean to Forgive?


Last week, I told you about the contest I have going on to get a free copy of my latest book release. To win, entrants must complete the sentence, “I love my mother, but…”. The responses have been moving, heart felt and incredibly honest and telling.

While many of you are creating healthy connections with your moms, others are stuck or have been seriously wounded by this important relationship. As a follow up, I want to address those of you who are hanging on to anger or unforgiveness in your mother-daughter relationship or any relationship for that matter.

First of all, it’s important to understand what forgiveness is and isn’t. Forgiveness is an individual act of the will done in obedience to God. It is a gift you give to others because God gave it to you. I love the way psychologist, Robert Enright, defines it. He says, forgiveness is “a willingness to abandon one’s right to resentment, negative judgment, and indifferent behavior towards the one who was unjustly injured, while fostering the undeserved qualities of compassion, generosity, and even love towards her.”

Forgiveness is NOT:

1. Reconciliation. This takes the cooperation of two people (Reconciliation, however, is the heart of God -Matthew 5:24).
2. Condoning wrong behavior.
3. Minimizing what was done that was hurtful.
4. Pardoning the person; that’s God’s job. Your job is to be released from the power of the offense.

Forgiveness is not an option but a biblical command (Luke 6:37, John 20:23). We don’t wait until we feel like forgiving someone or until the person deserves it. We didn’t deserve God’s forgiveness and yet He continuously gives it to us. He asks that we do the same for others. And not surprisingly, forgiveness not only has the power to unblock you spiritually, but also improves your physical and emotional health. http://articles.latimes.com/2007/dec/31/health/he-forgiveness31/7

Make the decision to forgive today. Take the lead in any relationship that is struggling due to anger and unforgiveness. Don’t wait for the other person to go first. Be a grown up. Only children fight about who goes first.


If you haven’t entered to win a copy of Dr. Linda’s new book, it isn’t too late. But, the contest does end soon, so hurry! Simply, email your finished “I love my mother, but…” sentence (in 50 words or less) to drlindahelps@gmail.com by March 15, 2011 to qualify.

Print      Email to a Friend    posted on Thursday, March 10, 2011 5:39 PM

Comments on this post

# RE: What Does It Mean to Forgive?

Growing up I had very abusive father. I was sexually/physically abused by him. My mom thankfully left him when I was 6 yrs. old. However, the scars were very deep. I tried to have a relationship with him as a teen; bu that led to him chasing me in his car trying to run me down. Another time I went into his house, he was upstairs & he called me. I went up only to see him totally naked and pretending to, well I won't explain but yes you can imagine what he was doing. Needless to say, I got a restraining order against him and did not see him for years. He been in/out of prisons for drugs. Now he is in prison 17-35 for molestation of a minor. I had kept praying & asked the Lord, Lord, all I desire is for my dad to say he is sorry. One day at work, somehow he got my number, he just said, "I'm really sorry for hurting you, please forgive me." I did. There was immediate release. God helps me use wisdom w/him cause he still has problem but I've got Jesus.
Left by friend826 on Mar 11, 2011 6:00 PM

# RE: What Does It Mean to Forgive?

My person I'm working on forgiving is my husband because of his mother, who is dead now. She was the 'MOTHER N LAW'... from hell... My husband NEVER defended me or came to my rescue. The fights she caused between me & him has caused HORRIBLE mess with our 6 kids, & they are all grown. I've often tried to figure what forgivness is. Now I can ... with God's help, begin to work on forgiving them both.

No need to go into more details, because it just brings up the hate... This article is one I'll pring out & put it in my Bible & READ OFTEN. Thank You.
Left by Shirley on Mar 11, 2011 11:02 PM

# RE: What Does It Mean to Forgive?

I loved my mother but I am still angry that mental illness stole her from me.
Left by Ron on Mar 12, 2011 2:40 PM

# RE: What Does It Mean to Forgive?

I have been trying for some time to articulate exactly what you said in this article about what forgiveness is not. This really explains it in a way that I hope most people will understand:
RE: Forgiveness is NOT:
1. Reconciliation. This takes the cooperation of two people (Reconciliation, however, is the heart of God -Matthew 5:24).
2. Condoning wrong behavior.
3. Minimizing what was done that was hurtful.
4. Pardoning the person; that’s God’s job. Your job is to be released from the power of the offense.

I have four daughters and it seems they each were parented by a different mother in their eyes. There is a quote in the book, "Her Daughter's Dream" by Francine Rivers that sums up, I think, how many mothers feel.
‎"I love every one of my children and I did the best I knew in raising them. I just wasn't always the mother they wanted." As you pointed out some people forgive but don't always reconcile. But the hope for that is always in His heart and a mother's heart, too,
Left by Donna Collins Tinsley on Mar 12, 2011 4:37 PM