Photo ops of John Edwards helping the poor in Haiti last week led to a blast of criticism and mean-spirited blogging. In Haiti, Edwards finally admitted that his affair with Rielle Hunter produced their now two-year old daughter. That admission resulted in public judgment and stone throwing. As a family therapist, I was put off by the media frenzy to crucify this man.
Edwards is a former Senator and vice-presidential candidate who participated in other political deceptions, including misuse of campaign funds and asking his aid to falsely claim paternity. His story reads like a soap opera, making him an easy target for tabloid fodder. But as a therapist, I see this story as symptomatic of deeper issues in American family life.
All families go through difficult seasons. The problem isn’t the mistakes we make, but how those mistakes are justified, never labeled sin, and rarely reconciled. The fact that it took Edwards two years to confess to what seemed obvious to most, speaks to a deeper disturbance that requires reflection.
Two families are now in crisis. Edwards’ family has dealt with the death of their teenage son in a car crash and a wife diagnosed with breast cancer. The cancer was treated, but eventually returned. These two occurrences alone are enough to throw a family in crisis. Instead of retreating to grieve and deal with more possible loss, Edwards did what so many mistakenly do; he looked outside the family to relieve the pain and escape reality. His choices have created a new web of people, including a child.
To me, this story is sad. I don’t want to heap coals on his head, take a holier than thou position, or be mean-spirited to this public servant. Yes, he should feel guilty and repent for his sins, but shaming him publicly does what exactly?
As believers, aren’t we to be lights in a dark world, offering compassion, and a road to healing? Are we forgetting that people can be transformed by the power of the Gospel?
Repentance brings forgiveness and the potential for reconciliation, if the person is willing to look at his or her behavior and make real changes. My prayer is for Edwards to press pause long enough to reflect on his life, dig deeper into his reaction to the death of his son and potential loss of his wife, and understand his reactions to grief and loss. Most of all, I pray that this self-reflection would lead him, and anyone else in crisis, to a forgiving God who can make all things new and bring peace to his soul.
The real problem begins when we live our lives apart from God and pretend that we have the human strength to pull it off. And that is the lesson every family can take from this tragic story.
Do you think we too easily case stones or justify our judgments in place of offering compassion and the person of Christ?
For more information on dealing with infidelity, check out Dr. Linda’s book, I Married You, Not Your Family.