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Overcoming Addictions - Help for Christians

Christians and non-Christian alike battle with addictions and other behaviors that they find themselves struggling to leave behind. Through faith in Jesus Christ and placing emotional and spiritual health as attainable goals, we can all be overcomers.

This blog, produced by Certified Recovery Specialist Beth Livingston, is for people to exchange struggles and victories of breaking free from addictions and other hurtful behaviors.

A Love Letter to My Porn-Loving Spouse

By Anonymous

Dear Spouse,

When we stood before God, took our vows to love, honor and cherish each other, for better or worse, till death do we part - I truly believe we both meant it. Never in a million years did I think that a few years later I’d be in the position I find myself in today.

So many aspects of our life are so wonderful: our children, going places together, getting together with friends, our jobs, and other happy things. But when you are alone with your computer or your super-duper cell phone, you feed a very dark side of you that has grown like a cancer. It’s your love affair with porn.

I thought maybe a letter would be the best way to tell you how I feel because when I’ve  talked to you about this, I’ve felt like you have minimized your involvement, gotten on the defensive and avoided really hearing my heart. I refuse to nag. I refuse to live in denial. I refuse to be hurt repeatedly.

I love you. I love you just as much as I ever have. But I am hurting. I feel betrayed when I know that you are lusting over someone else. I feel abandoned when I go to bed alone and you are in your private world with your computer. I feel repulsion when I happen to pass by and see what you’re spending your time with. I feel despised when I hear you respond to my questions about your behavior. I feel tainted when we make love. These are not feelings that I want to continue to feel. They are painful.

If I’ve learned anything in life, it’s that I can’t change another person. I choose to love you because you are my spouse. I choose to seek an emotionally healthy environment because I believe God wants to use me to carry out his will for my life. He tells me that he has plans for me that are good and not for disaster, to give me a future and a hope. He has those same plans for you, but porn’s not part of them.

I want you to be freed from this evil that has snuck into our lives. I have prayed for this for many months now. I will continue to pray for you to be released. I will lift you up before the Lord day and night because I love you. However, I will be doing this from a different dwelling.

You have made your choice. I am still going to love, honor and cherish you, for better or worse (which this is the worse), till death do we part. I hope you will do all that you can to stop feeding this addiction that has brought us to this place. I am not parting from you, I am putting physical distance between us for my own survival. The children are coming with me and I will be glad to work out fair visitation for you.

The crazy thing is—I know that if you saw me physically getting hurt repeatedly, you’d do anything you could to stop that from happening to me. But there’s a disconnect when it comes to my emotional pain. I feel unloved in that regard. I’m going to seek comfort from the Lord and look to Him to be the source of my healing. We are both Christians and both know the Lord can make all things new. I’m starting my new “me” today. I hope you will start your new “you” someday also. When you do, come find me. I’ll be ready to feel loved, honored and cherished again.

I truly love you and the Lord,

Your Spouse

 



Comments below by Beth Livingston
Certified Recovery Specialist:

That's quite a letter. Have you ever felt like you might be the one to get such a letter? or to send such a letter? What is the Christian spouse supposed to do in your opinion? Most spouses don't think it will come to this, but it is happening more and more.

If you are a porn-lover, what is it that you expect will happen if you keep feeding your desires?

If you're the spouse of a porn-lover, what have you done or are you planning to do?

Please weigh in on this topic. It's such a big problem in our marriages today.

Print      Email to a Friend    posted on Wednesday, May 11, 2011 9:15 PM

Comments on this post

# RE: A Love Letter to My Porn-Loving Spouse

I am in this position & have been for a long time. I am married to a nonbeliever - at least I think he is - he certainly doesn't act in the last 21 yrs. like he is a believer. My husband also has an addiction with porn or with lusting after any woman other than me. We haven't had an intimate relationship in a very long time. He is also verbally/emotionally abusive to me - reminds me how undeserving of love I am on a daily basis. We have 2 boys, ages 18 & 12 - I pray often that they won't turn out with their father's traits. He has also had an alcohol & drug addiction for many yrs of our marriage (I believe prior to it) - he went to rehab, thank God, but I don't believe he has changed the rest of his thinking around. It is EXTREMELY difficult to take all the abuse & know I have none of my needs met at all by my spouse. I fight the thought of regret every day of my life. I pray for him & our family but haven't seen an ounce of hope - other than he is sober. It is very difficult & hurtful
Left by Donna on Oct 03, 2011 12:52 AM

# RE: A Love Letter to My Porn-Loving Spouse

Donna, I hope you have a pastor, counselor, and/or support group that you can confide in and seek loving support from. Porn addiction is so harmful. Statistics indicate it is a leading contributor to the divorce rates now. To be the wife of someone who's lusting after other women is so hurtful. At what point do we decide to separate (either physically or emotionally or both) from an abusive spouse and let the Lord renew our identity as someone who is worthy of love (Christ's love for us shows we are worthy)and someone whose love is welcomed by those we have relationships with? I thought my husband had to physically hit me for God to agree I was being abused - ended up after 11 years that happened. In retrospect, I wish I had sought godly counsel and hadn't been so uncertain of how God viewed my situation. I've been divorced 17 years now and haven't missed him a single day. I'd say I wasn't loving him for probably the last 5 years of our marriage. God wasn't pleased by that either.
Left by blivingston on Oct 12, 2011 10:00 AM