By Dr. Steven Stiles, author of Thorns in the Heart
Anger is simply not the best way to cope with pain. Yet, too often, we are encouraged to make the expression of anger a goal in itself. Chop wood, count to ten, yell in a pillow, get assertive, express your anger, get it out, we are told.
Conventional wisdom also encourages the regular expression of anger to keep it from mounting. Although repressing anger or letting it mount is certainly not healthy, neither is using it abrasively to avoid dealing with pain. Identifying anger is not enough; expressing it is not enough. We must learn to respond honestly and responsibly to our pain. There are some tools for dealing with chronic anger:
Have Patience
Be aware that long-standing habits of anger are not likely to change overnight. The lower part of your brain has no way of forgetting your anger responses just because you wish to do so. Nevertheless, the longer you handle anger in a healthy way, the less hold your old habits will have on you. Be patient and give yourself time. If you try too hard not to be angry, you may only increase your stress and trigger learned anger responses all over again.
Allow Yourself to Grieve
Since anger is an indication of emotional pain, use anger to alert yourself to the fact that there is a painful memory or experience you need to take time to process. If you find yourself hurting, grieve until the pain has eased. When you have done this, you may find your need for anger is gone.
Keep Your Anger in Perspective
The next time you feel angry, accept the feeling for what it is, a physically based emotion, and go ahead and feel your anger without blaming or criticizing. Don't push this natural emotion away. Let it come and go without getting worked up over it.
Forgive Beforehand
Remember that life is hard. All of us will make mistakes and offend people. In turn, others will make mistakes and offend us. So anticipate conflict and trust God for whatever He may bring. Forgive people ahead of time. Don't become angry trying to control people and problems that were never under our control in the first place.
Be Responsible
The Bible tells us, "In your anger, do not sin" (Ephesians 4:26). In responding to pain, we will always have anxiety, tension, and even anger. But it is unhealthy to turn that anger on ourselves or others simply to cope with life. Too often anger is a way of distributing our pain to others. Anger can be a means of causing others (or ourselves) to pay for our unwillingness to accept emotional and physical pain.
Of course, at times, we will become angry. Humans are designed to respond to stress with anger. Anger, like grief, is not a sin. But rejecting the pain that God has allowed by passing it on to others is sin. If others are forced to pay for our suffering, the spiritual tragedy of our irresponsibility toward pain is only perpetuated.
We must become aware of our feelings so we can understand our anger and handle it responsibly. Rather than cast blame and create yet another victim, by faith we must accept our pain, assimilate it, process it, and grieve over it when necessary. If we receive God's grace for our personal pain, we will be less likely to lash out in anger at ourselves or others. And we'll take one more step toward emotional wholeness.
Excerpt from Thorns in the Heart used with permission from Nexusmedia © 2011.
Readers can learn more about the book, purchase, and join the online Thorns in the Heart Community at
www.thornsintheheart.com.
About the Author: Dr. Steven Stiles, a pastor, is a faculty member at Bethany University in Scotts Valley, California, where he teaches addiction studies. He also teaches at Western Seminary in San Jose and has lectured internationally on addictions. He is the Clinical Director at New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz, California which provides emergency shelter and drug and alcohol treatment. He is a graduate of the American Baptist Seminary of the West (D.Min.) and maintains counselor certification through the National Association of Alcohol and Drug Abuse Counselors (CADCII).