by Beth Livingston
Certified Recovery Specialist
So many families and lives are being tossed upside-down because of the impact of pornography. I asked Dr. Paul Hardy, founding director of
Recovery for the City for some feedback about this problem. Here is our interview:
This is Dr. Paul's profile of a porn addict: He is 12-years-old and began experimenting with looking through search engines. Sex and sexual terms are most searched for in the internet! By the time he is 30, he has years of uncontrollable lust. He may have never acted out illegally, but the pressure is on. The family has discovered the secret and it’s time to change!
Question: At what point should a person seek help who's dealing with this problem?
Dr. Paul: As with ANY addictive issue, an individual has to become convinced themselves that their behavior has become an issue. NO ONE can convince you that you have an addiction. A few important questions for someone who is struggling with any addictive behavior are:
- “Do I do this all alone, is it secretive? Do I ‘hide’ the behavior?”
- “Do I require more and more of it to get the same sensation, as if I were building up a tolerance?”
- “Do I become dependent on the substance/behavior, in order to alter my mood?”
- “Has it become an issue in my functionality in life, i.e. produced dysfunction in my roles?
- “Has it eroded any of my relationships?” (spouse, children, etc)
- “What long term effects would this have on my physical, emotional and spiritual well being?”
- “Can I envision the Lord Jesus doing this?”
For fun, replace the word “porn” with ice cream or shopping or anything that may be an issue!
The second part of the need for help is when the family pressures the person to get help. This may require a professional intervention. A person may think that looking at naked bodies only affects them because they continue to be high functioning. When a broken-hearted spouse decides that this is no longer acceptable and that accountability is required lasting change can begin.
Question: Who should they go to?
Dr. Paul: Half of the pastors in our country struggle with looking at porn. They are still a viable resource of help. Men’s groups at church are best because they can provide an accountability system that works. A trusted friend who will hold a person to their commitment long term can be the best resource. Christian counselors can provide professional structure as well.
Question: How can a person who's trying to avoid the porn that they used to look at, have time online that's not risky for them?
Dr. Paul: We have men who have lost jobs, family, security clearances and are homeless because of pornography addictions and lust. There are numerous options for you and your family’s protection:
- Download xxxchurch.com. This free service will load onto your computer and ask you for two email addresses. Then, those two people will receive systematic reports on any objectionable websites that have been visited on your computer.
- Another, which is not free, is Covenanteyes.com. Their Filter Service blocks objectionable websites from your computer.
- Another positive solution is to put a login with password that only one person can type in.
- A free software logmein.com will allow you remote access to you computer from anywhere at any time. You can let the family know you will be checking in on the computer at any time. Good deterrent.
- The most obvious solution is to put the computer in a family safe place and use it together as often as possible. Educate the family about the dangers out there. Talk about misuses as a prevention method.
- Be aware that someone who is addicted to porn will go to any lengths to get to the emotional high they experience. No amount of filters or policing will stop them until the heart issues are dealt with.
Question: What are the most common problems that people encounter when trying to stop looking at porn?
Dr. Paul: Porn addiction has similarities to all addictions and some uniqueness as well. The similarity is the mental, emotional and physical dependence the constant looking at sexual acts creates. This is spiritual warfare!
There are generally three phases:
- The withdrawal phase: the person must go through a period of total abstinence or a fast from sexual input. This may mean a time period with no media, television, entertainment, etc. This produces a type of reset. (example from previous ice cream addiction, a month with no dairy products)
- The accountability phase: is a lifelong quest to be sober and vigilant. It never goes away. One must become re-sensitized to the world around us and avoid sexually explicit situations (movies, commercials, etc.)
- The re-integration phase. We use the Biblical 12 Steps to help people re-think their relationships and reinstate their emotional and spiritual health. This requires a bonding with the spouse involved if that is possible.
Pastor Paul Hardy quoted 1 Peter 5:8-9 - 1 Peter 5:8-9 - Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world.
What do you think of Dr. Paul's point of view on this problem? Are you seeking help with porn addiction? What steps have you taken to deal with this problem? If you haven't taken any steps, but have found that you are getting deeper and deeper into it; do you want to stop now? Why or why not? Please leave your comments and let's pray for each other and help rid our lives of what seeks to destroy us.