by Beth Livingston
Certified Recovery Specialist
My husband is trying to quit smoking for about the 100th time. My hope in his smokefree life becoming a reality has been dashed so many times, that I must admit that I'm not being the best in moral support. I've got the attitude of "It would be great if you could be free" and have verbally encouraged him. Unfortunately, in the back of my mind I am thinking, "Here we go again." I confess this to God, to all of you, and to my husband.
Why do I think it's a sin that needs confessing? Because I'm not giving grace to my husband. He has to work through his bondages in his own way and in his own timing. He has to choose whether or not he's going to make it this time. And most of all, he has to decide if he's going to allow Jesus to help him with it. It's out of my hands and I definitely should not be his judge or critic. My hope needs to be in Christ alone; knowing that Christ can set him free and will be there to help him even if it takes 2000 times of trying. Why should I be any less willing to be that patient and supportive?
During his recovery, I have praised his accomplishments. As he counts each day and is happy to announce that he's gone nine days without a cigarette, I tell him that's great and how each day is a reason to be thankful. My doubt does not come out in my words to him. It's something that sits there in my heart. I want him to be free so desperately, that I'm all wrapped up in it and have been each time he's tried to quit. My desire for him to be free may even be greater than his own desire. I'm not an expert on codependancy, but I think that's what this is called. A healthy relationship would probably be me truly hoping he can be free, but not getting emotionally connected to his success or failure. I'm working on it. Are you working on this too?
Those of us who love someone who's trying to quit some addiction or bad habit want our loved ones to be free. Would you agree that it's difficult to stay hopeful? Have you managed to stay emotionally detached from their recovery? That's a huge accomplishment if you have. Please share with us some of the things you've done to be able to walk that fine line.
For those who are trying to quit and have a loved one pulling for you, what have you found to be helpful? What have you found to be annoying? If we all want the same result, freedom for the one in bondage, how can we best go about this in our relationships?