Overcoming Addictions - Help for Christians

Will God Help Me Get Rid of this Anger?

Beth Livingston — Fri, 31 May 2013 20:55:51 GMT

By Suzie Hardy
Guest Contributor
Recovery for Life
Transition Homes for Hope

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls. But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it. James 1:19-25

This is a great passage and it discusses the possibility that we should put our faith in action. As we continue in our recovery journey, we need to remember that we must do what God's word says and not just listen to it. We must put it into practice.

There are several things we can pull from this set of verses:

Get a grip on our anger. Many times as we begin this journey from our addictions, we find that underneath the substances or sexual addiction there is anger. After we have left the addiction and have become abstinent from it, then the anger comes with a vengenance. The passage from James makes it very clear how to handle the anger with this progression "be swift to hear, slow to speak and slow to get angry." I find that if I listen attentively and don't talk so much it makes it easier to not get angry. Verse 20 says that "human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires" God wants us to be righteous and anger is not a part of that.

Get rid of the filth and evil. We have the Word of God planted in us and there is no room with the word of God for filth and evil. I Peter 1:16 says "Be holy because I am holy." God is holy and he commands us to be holy. What we see and what we do affect that holiness.

Get on board. Verse 22 says "But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves." We can become really good Christians in front of others. In ancient plays they would sometimes use masks to play different parts in the same play. They would lift one up and put it over their face and then when they needed to, they'd change it up to another. We can put on masks as Christians. We can look good when we go to meetings or in church, but then when we are alone the other mask appears. We become someone else. God's word is plain - we must not just listen to the Word; we must do what it says.

We are given a promise that if we do what the word says, we will be blessed. I don't know about you, but I want to be blessed. It is by following God's word that we are given his power to react and behave a new way. WE must get a grip on the anger and get rid of the filth and then get on board and put action into our recovery and our Christian life.

Suzie Hardy serves as ministry leader and event coordinator for Recovery for Life and Transition Homes for Hope ministries in Virginia Beach, Virginia. She has a heart to see lives transformed by the power of Jesus Christ and brought from despair and bondage into hope and freedom. She speaks and writes for the glory of God.

When You Feel You Have Nothing to Lose

Beth Livingston — Sun, 12 May 2013 17:24:02 GMT

By Michael Plemmons

Guest Contributor

In our world, millions of anxious souls greet each new day on a quest for light, a light that would push aside the despair of their broken heart. Patty was such an anxious soul, caught in the grip of heroin addiction. She had seen both her husband and daughter die from aids which they had contracted by using dirty needles. She longed for a light that would shine far brighter than the inward shadows of despair and fear. She knew that life could be hard and uncertain. The question of her heart was whom can I turn to for answers?

Out of control, Patty finally turned to prostitution to support her habit. On a cold February night she was standing on a street corner wondering if she should end her life. She needed 20 dollars to rent a room and get off the street. In her hopelessness, she mustered a small silent prayer, not expecting any help.

Meanwhile, in another part of town the Lord began to deal with a Pastor’s heart. Getting his coat and car keys, he left his home not having any idea where he was going. He drove around aimlessly for a time not knowing that God was guiding him. He soon found himself on a street in a part of town to which he had never been. A woman was standing on the corner and the Lord prompted him to pull over and speak to her. Patti got in the car and the young pastor somewhat sheepishly told her he had been sent by God and to give her 20 dollars. Patti was amazed to see her prayer answered so quickly. Weeping, she accepted Jesus into her life and received His light.

Over 2,000 years ago despair and fear filled the hearts of the disciples of Jesus as they left the upper room where they had been staying. Slowly and deliberately they made their way from the city to the Mount of Olives. Jesus had told them that he would soon leave them. The weight of the awesome task ahead grieved Him to the marrow of His bones.

It had been three years since he had begun his public ministry, and during that time he had been the voice of the light with his teaching and miracles. Yet all of these things were but a prelude to what was yet to come. He knew that he must die the next day and by that death purchase eternal freedom for every lost soul.

John the Baptist had told of the light to come, a light to the world. Jesus was that light. He asked his Father to remove this cup from him, but he bowed to the will of his Father in order to open the door to the light of His Father. He died so that each wounded heart, each soul filled with grief, every individual should find not merely forgiveness, but an eternal connection to the Father through belief in his Son.

Yours may be a heart wounded by the loss of a loved one, the loss of your job or your home. Your body may be wracked with the pain of disease, or your mind depressed with loneliness or fear.

Whatever you may be facing, Jesus’ mission was to bring the light of life to you. Do not despair. He will fill your heart with His glory, a new internal vision. The light of that glory will drive away the voices of self-loathing and despair, and replace them with love and acceptance, which can only come from the Father of love, the Father of light.

Michael is a Partner Service Representative at CBN, and has been in active ministry for more than thirty years. He resides in Virginia Beach.

Four Keys to Confronting an Addict

Beth Livingston — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 15:02:56 GMT

by Dr. Paul Hardy
Pastoral Counseling
Founder and Executive Director– Recovery for Life Ministries

Recently, my wife and I stopped in at the Chickahominy House Restaurant in Williamsburg, Va. What a meal! The chili was perfect for a brisk day. And then they brought out the ham biscuits. Thinly sliced, salt-cured ham on a perfectly shaped little biscuit. A little apple butter on it, and I’m instantly transported back to Colonial Williamsburg. For health reasons, I don’t eat much pork at all. For Jewish people, ham was and is completely off limits. So is blood sausage, shrimp and a list of other foods.

So when the Apostle Peter was found sitting at the table with Gentiles who were eating these things, it was a big deal. God had told Peter that everything He has blessed is clean; still there was confusion and division:

But when Peter came to Antioch, I had to oppose him publicly, speaking strongly against what he was doing, for it was very wrong. When he first arrived, he ate with the Gentile Christians, who don’t bother with circumcision. But afterward, when some Jewish friends of James came, Peter wouldn’t eat with the Gentiles anymore because he was afraid of what these legalists would say. Then the other Jewish Christians followed Peter’s hypocrisy, and even Barnabas was influenced to join them in their hypocrisy. Galatians 2: 11-14

The Power of Confrontation

The Apostle Paul felt that he “had” to oppose Peter. He could NOT stay silent! When we talk about addicts and addictions, there comes a time when the people in your life cannot take your behavior any longer. Someone has to stand up and yell, “Enough.” Unfortunately, if this does not happen, and if everyone continues to enable and support the addict, they will continue to get worse. It calls for a confrontation.

Types of confrontations:

Self-confrontation:
You read your Bible, you talk within yourself and confront your problems. As you talk within yourself you begin to face the lies you have come to believe. Confronting ourselves is not an easy thing to do. Our hearts can be most deceptive. That’s why using the Word of God as a filter is best. The truth of God’s Word never changes. As I expose my heart and mind to God’s words, thoughts and ideas, I am changed.

Human Intervention:
Someone confronts you because they cannot take your behavior any longer. It may be frustrating or even make you angry that relatives, friends, or co-workers would actually confront you for your behavior. You can look at it this way: what a flattery that people around me care enough to tell me what they see in me.

God-confrontation:
God orchestrates situations in your life and consequences you can no longer deny. God is big enough and creative enough to get our attention. He knows how to make us look upward. It might be a D.U.I., perhaps a child that we love so dearly says, “Mommy, you scare me when you get so angry.” God will allow us to get far away, he lengthens the rope far enough for us to fall completely.

Four Keys to Confront an Addict:

1. Deal with the Falsehood you know about.

Peter had flip-flopped. He had acted wrongly and became a hypocrite! Can you hear him now? He might have said something like this, “But I thought it would be okay to flip-flop. I didn’t want to be rejected by the elders!” You see Peter had come to believe that he could fellowship with the Gentile Christians with no repercussions in his live. Can you imagine him, eating that big slice of honey-glazed ham with the pineapple and little cherry on top? He was enjoying his newfound freedom with his new homies.

When confronting someone, you must focus on the wrongs that you know about. For substance abuse issues, this requires either a drug or alcohol test or both. I’ve had people stare me down and swear they haven’t used, only to find that the drug test doesn’t lie. The urine test for substances and saliva test for alcohol is accurate and will help everyone keep their sanity. Recently, a couple of my guys pointed out a guy they were sure was on heroin. He stared at me with a fixed gaze. Then the excuses began, “I don’t have to go right now.” Finally, to our surprise, he was clear of all the substances in the test. Then I gave him an alcohol saliva test. It was bright green. He failed.

2. Fight your fears.
Peter was afraid of what people would think and say of him. The Jewish leaders had arrived from Jerusalem. They might think something was wrong with him as they actually saw him with that slice of ham on his plate. Paul, on the other hand, was not concerned about what people would think of him.

Addicts are master manipulators. They control with guilt and fear and anything else they can conjure up. Do not be afraid and do not confront alone.

3. Realize Others Are Drowning With Him/Her:
Even Barnabas! “The Encourager,” the man who was the most people-loving, went down with the ship. He also flip-flopped. Let me ask you these questions, “Who is being most effected by the consequences of your addiction? Who will be left behind in the aftermath of your behavior? Who will be in therapy next year explaining to someone how you have effected their lives and wounded them with your words and actions?" Magnify the consequences your behavior will have in the next generations!

If you do not confront, what is the worst that might happen?

4. Renew Your Passion for God and People:
Peter had confused his passion and went back to pleasing people. PLEASE GOD! LOVE GOD! If people don’t like it, TOUGH! Sometimes you will have to choose. The biggest mistake denial causes is for us to actually think this whole thing is about us. It is about God and having a vital love-relationship of worship with Him!

Look after each other so that none of you will miss out on the special favor of God. Watch out that no bitter root of unbelief rises up among you, for whenever it springs up, many are corrupted by its poison." Hebrews 12:15

Do not allow yourself to become tainted by an addict’s behavior. Roots of bitterness run deep, but if we confront properly, many people will get better. We confronted a young man a few months ago and sent him to a rehabilitation farm. He has been there for six months and just informed us that he wants to stay on for another six months and become a counselor!

This blog article was written by Dr. Paul Hardy, a champion for the cause of broken and addicted people. For the last 12 years, he and his wife Suzie have dedicated their lives to helping people break free from the bondages of addictions and compulsive behaviors. Together, they founded Recovery for Life, a non-profit that ministers to over 300 people a week in the Virginia Beach, Tidewater area. He is also the Director of the Life Counseling and Recovery Center of Eastern Virginia. Visit their Recovery for Life website (formerly Recovery for the City)

Wage War Against Addiction

Beth Livingston — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 19:13:45 GMT

By Suzie Hardy
Guest Contributor
Recovery for Life
Transition Homes for Hope

Who I am in Christ
I can quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one with my shield of faith.

Ephesians 6:10-18, New International Version (NIV) - The Armor of God

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities,against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

This passage talks about putting on the armor of God. When we think of armor, we think of a battle. Can you imagine someone going into battle without the proper gear? We have friends who are in the military. They have lots of gear that they must use when they go into battle. There are weapons to defend, protective gear that keeps them safe, as well as gear that helps them see things more clearly and focus more. All of these pieces of equipment are necessary for their protection and their ability to defend.

In this recovery journey we have struggles that seem like battles. We are waging a war against the enemy and we must have the proper equipment to defend, aid in our safety and help us in our focus.

Let's look at this armor and see what we can learn:

v. 14 "belt of truth buckled around your waist" - We know that in our recovery, secrets make us sick. We must put this belt of truth around our waist and be honest with God, ourselves and others.

v. 14 "with the breastplate of righteousness in place" - the breastplate was the protection for the heart. It kept them from getting killed by arrows. Our enemy wants to destroy us. He sends those fiery darts. We must ask God to protect our hearts with the breastplate of righteousness. We must also note that it is not only a breastplate, but a breastplate of righteousness. In this walk we must do the right thing. Sometimes the only feasible thing to do is 'do the next right thing" We must take it one step at a time and be righteous...do the right thing.

v. 15 " and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace" Shoes have to fit. Have you ever worn an ill-fitting pair of shoes. it is horrible pain and it is constantly on your mind. God wants our feet to be fitted with readiness that comes from peace. Readiness - We need to be ready for what the next step is in the process. The definition for readiness is "Prepared or available for service, action, or progress" How does God want our feet to be ready or prepared for service, action or progress?

v. 16 "take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one." The shield was the defense and protection from the enemy. This breastplate of righteousness we mentioned earlier protects but is not used actively. The shield of faith goes one step further to protect, but we have that shield and can use it aggressively against the flaming arrows of the evil one. Faith is the basis for this shield. We might say I don't have faith...Hebrews 11 is a great passage that discusses faith. The people in that chapter were not perfect but their faith was rooted in God.

v.17 "Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God." The last two pieces of equipment that God gives to us are the helmet of salvation and the sword of truth. Again the helmet of salvation protects the head from danger. Our salvation is our helmet. Then the final one is the sword of the Spirit...and is the Word of God. Our salvation comes from the word of God. We fight and defend our selves with our sword. That sword is the Word. We must make the word of God real in our lives. That means not only reading the Word but committing it to memory. Psalm 119:11 states" I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you." The Word of God must be a part of our lives.

Are we ready for the battle? We cannot fight without armor. We must take the armor and put it on daily to fight against the evil one.

Keep Track of Positive Changes

Beth Livingston — Fri, 01 Mar 2013 14:56:22 GMT

By Beth Livingston
Certified Recovery Specialist

The Israelites crossed the Jordan River on dry ground. The Lord God had a plan and a purpose for them and they were experiencing a miracle! Imagine how surreal it must have felt to walk across that riverbed, clearly seeing the water held at bay on each side. Joshua had told the leaders of each tribe of Israel to pick up a stone from the dry bed as they walked. When they were all safely across, they set up a memorial using those stones from the riverbed - an altar of remembrance of what the Lord had done. (See Joshua 2-4)

And so it is with us as we accept memorials from our recovery programs, usually in the form of chips, round tokens of progress. Many programs use chips as timeline markers of the miracles the Lord God has done in their lives. Whether it’s 24-hours, a week, a month, a year, or several years – there’s something special about having a chip to hold, to carry in your pocket or keep in a special place in remembrance of the progress God is helping us with in our life changes.

In the program I attend, we use an acronym for CHIPS: Changing Habits Is Producing Success. How true! It was powerful for the Isrealites to build an altar with the stones the leaders of each tribe had picked up from the dry riverbed. Each day after crossing the Jordan, they had a visual and tangible reminder of the miracle done in their lives. When we’ve been loosed from the slavery of __________________ (name your area of addiction or destructive behavior), we could all benefit from a tangible visual reminder of what the Lord has done and when He did it!

Maybe when you were a child or when you had children, you made a mark on a growth chart (or the wall, or some other easily visible place) to keep track of the inches grown in a year. I’ve even seen some done with photographs that are pretty neat showing age progression as the years go by. There’s joy and excitement in having a reminder of progress!

In the life of an addiction overcomer, there is usually a date we can pinpoint that indicates the very last day we drank, smoked, toked, looked at porn, etc. When you have a day of sobriety, make a note of it with some visual “stone” like the Isrealites did after crossing the Jordan.

Their victory over slavery was clearly from the Lord. Had they not taken the steps to gather their things and walk across, history would read differently. Our victory is from the Lord also. He wants us to remember our first day of freedom and look back on it for years to come. He wants us to remember how our lives used to be and how they are now that we are free and learning to walk alongside Him in an entirely different way of life.

What do you do to keep a reminder of the victory God’s given you over some addiction or behavior? How does it make you feel when you see it?

Restoring the Sexual Relationship in a Marriage

Beth Livingston — Fri, 08 Feb 2013 23:25:56 GMT

by Amy Allen
Guest Blogger
from "A Redeemed Marriage"
http://www.aredeemedmarriage.com
(Tenth in Amy's series on sexual addiction)

Recently a woman asked if my husband and I had been tested for HIV and STDs, and how I dealt with being intimate with him again after we reconciled. I can only share what I have learned in my own journey to healing based on my personal experience. Although it's of a sensitive nature, I can share this experience by trusting God will use it to bring encouragement to hurting women and wounded marriages.

Although my husband, Tim, swore to himself he never would, he did have unprotected sexual encounters with prostitutes. His rational thinking and faithfulness went right out the window. As a result, I was tested for sexually transmitted diseases and so was Tim. By the grace of God we are both disease free!

Once God made it clear to both of us He wanted to restore our marriage, sexual intimacy was incredibly hard for me. How could I not picture the other women he'd been with? How did I know he wasn't picturing them as well? I prayed through the first time we were intimate again. Afterward, when Tim asked me how I was feeling, I didn't want to hurt him, but I felt I should be honest if we had any hope of moving forward. I confessed, “I feel like throwing up and then running as far away, as fast as I can, away from here!” Thankfully he was supportive. He held me in his arms and promised to work through this slowly. We did work through it. Many times I prayed my way through our intimate moments.

A few years after we'd reconciled I caught Tim pleasing himself. I was crushed. He may as well have been with another woman! God gave me the strength to ask him to come to me when he felt urges instead of pleasuring himself. I felt he was being selfish by not involving me. Ultimately, we both made a pact not to have solo sex, and instead find release in each other.

Through the years of reconciliation and renewal of our marriage, I've gained these important insights into our sexual relationship:

Sex means a lot to my husband. It helps him feel loved and accepted. He wants me to want him.
I often don't feel like having sex. It's literally an act of my will and obedience to God. I initiate when I feel the Holy Spirit prompting me to do so. I've learned to die to my own selfish desires and cater to my husband's needs.
I can pray through it if necessary. God says we can ask Him for anything we need!
The best way to keep Satan at bay and defeat him is before he gets a stronghold in our lives. When my husband and I have a healthy sex life, it also helps keep temptation at a minimum.
Sex has become more enjoyable for both of us as I am able to trust my husband more.

God created both men and women with the ability to have an orgasm and enjoy sexual pleasures. I strongly believe if a woman is not enjoying sex with her husband, then she needs to talk to him about it. Tell him what is satisfying to her, and what she enjoys. Don't be shy about it. One of the best ways to re-establish intimacy is to talk about it.

My husband had been so entrenched in extra-marital affairs, it was nearly impossible for him to enjoy our sexual relationship when we first reconciled. He had indulged in sin involving not only his physical body, but also his soul. He was afraid he would never find the level of excitement inside the marriage as he had outside. Did that hurt me to hear? Of course! But he confessed he'd been asking God to enable him to find satisfaction in the marriage. Over time we have both found satisfaction in our marriage bed. He does continue to struggle with the desire for illicit sex, but it's waned through the years. Often he tells me how much he appreciates the effort I put into our sexual relationship.

It saddens me to hear of couples who haven't had sex for months or even years! What a waste of the beautiful plan God has for marriages. God says the only time we should abstain from sexual intimacy is for an agreed upon time because we are praying about something. The key is, “agreed upon.” If one partner doesn't want sex, but the other does, then God says our bodies belong not to ourselves but to our spouse. When I obey the Lord in this area, the benefits always outweigh any excuse I try to come up with!

“The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs.The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control”. - 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 NLT

Father, I pray for couples who are embarking on this journey of renewing sexual intimacy after infidelity. Help them see each other through Your eyes. Help them to be honest and open with each other about how they are really feeling. Help them seek ways to pleasure their spouse without neglecting their own. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Links in this Series by Amy Allen:
First: When You First Discover Infidelity
Second: How to Find Strength When Your Husband is Weak
Third: Your Cheating Spouse: You Can't Fix Them, Spy On Them, Or Force Them to Stop
Fourth: How to Find Trust After the Affair
Fifth: No Quick Fixes for a Crumbling Marriage
Sixth: Finding Your True Worth When You've Been Betrayed
Seventh: Are You Enabling Your Spouse's Sin?
Eighth: The Best Tool for Restoring Relationships
Ninth: How to Build Teamwork in a Restored Marriage
Tenth: Restoring the Sexual Relationship in a Marriage

About Author, Amy Allen: When my husband's internet pornography addiction led to an affair, then acting out with prostitutes, I filed for divorce. But God used what seemed hopeless to bring us both into a real relationship with Jesus. He also redeemed our marriage. You can watch our testimony on The 700 Club (www.cbn.com/media/player/index.aspx) or visit our website at http://www.aredeemedmarriage.com/. There truly is hope and healing for your marriage when you allow Jesus to redeem it! Tim and Amy Allen

Four Ways to GROW in 2013

Beth Livingston — Sat, 05 Jan 2013 00:37:19 GMT

by Dr. Paul Hardy
Pastoral Counseling
Founder and Executive Director– Recovery for Life Ministries

I don’t know about you, but I love the New Year. All of the prospects of newness spring up - new opportunities, new changes and new starts.

Many people make resolutions that lock them into something specific during the new year. Stop smoking. Lose weight. Go to the gym. Speaking of the gym, I went there the other day. Here it is, at the end of the year, I realized that I have pretty much kept my commitment to go and work out systematically. Hard as it is sometimes, over all I have kept my 2012 commitment. Now if we talk about how much weight I’ve lost in the last year, that’s a different issue. I didn’t lose, but I didn’t gain either.

So, recently, a group of guys got together and we asked each other to draft our 2013 “growth plans.” This usually consists of goals and strategies to provide a competitive edge to do more and work harder. This approach will not do for me this year.

My plan is to GROW this year. Somehow, I have to believe that is your true desire as well. Yes, goals should be specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and time-sensitive. (SMART). Yet, if our attitudes are right and we go for the heart source of change, outcomes with be natural, organic if you will.

So, let’s think through a few principles of spiritual growth that anyone could follow.

David said, "I’m an olive tree, growing green in God’s house. I trusted in the generous mercy of God then and now." Psalm 52:8

So, let’s grow together in 2013.

GROW by Glorifying God.
Consider this Scripture:

They began rejoicing and glorifying the Word of the Lord; and as many as had been appointed to eternal life believed. Acts 13:48

There is something healthy and therapeutic about focusing on someone else above ourselves. Removing selfishness causes us to be free to think of others, their needs and situations. Becoming God-centered is a life-changing experience. As well, giving God the credit for what He has done and is doing for us puts Him is His rightful place in our lives.

Ask Yourself this Question: How will my thoughts grow? We will need to cultivate the discipline of focusing our thought life around God and godly ideas.

We are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5

Ask Yourself this Question: How will my words grow? When sharing words that build people up we grow and help them grow as well. Who can you speak up for in the next year? Who can you help lift up from a deep well of pain and shame?

Speak up for the people who have no voice, for the rights of all the down-and-outers. Speak out for justice! Stand up for the poor and destitute! Proverbs 31:8-9

Ask Yourself this Question: How will my Actions grow? By doing those things that please God, in the name of Jesus with a thankful heart our actions will have purpose.

Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father. Colossians 3:17

Grow by Resting in Christ.
Ask Yourself these Questions: Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion?

Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Matthew 11:28-29

Doing things our own way is exhausting. Trying to please God through religious work is even worse. When we learn to rest, a transformation takes place. God provided a Sabbath rest weekly for his people. Yet in our busyness, we rest very little. We need to take time to reflect, think through our lives and just stop and let the world keep spinning.

Ask Yourself these Questions: What can you do differently to provide yourself time to rest this year? Will it be a spiritual retreat? A daily devotional reading? Or better yet, learning to rest in Him moment by moment?

Grow by Organizing our Lives.
Consider this Scripture:

I organized the orders of service for the priests and Levites so that each man knew his job. Nehemiah 13:30

Nehemiah knew the power of delegating. We may not be able to clone ourselves, but we can share responsibilities and enlist people’s help to accomplish more. There is great merit in becoming organized in such a way that someone else could do your work. One of our greatest mistakes in organization is trying to be all and do all. There may be numerous people around us who would enjoy helping with tasks. I find that when I ask someone to help me with a task that is hard for me to complete, I enjoy the fellowship and more gets accomplished.

Ask Yourself this Question: What can you do to get help from others to accomplish your goals?

Walk.

“Walk with me and work with me. Watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. . . keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11:30

People had to walk in biblical times. They walked everywhere. There were few other options. Walking is healthy and can be good for the mind. A “spiritual walk” is an invitation for Christ to accompany us in every step, walking with Him in these “unforced rhythms of grace.” This mystical concept of walking with Christ or walking “in Christ” is the adventure we all long for.

Are you ready to trek out into the adventure of a lifetime? What will your first step be?

Struggling Marriage? Five Steps to Making God Your First Priority

Beth Livingston — Sun, 30 Dec 2012 01:11:20 GMT

by Amy Allen
Guest Blogger
from "A Redeemed Marriage"
http://www.aredeemedmarriage.com/
(Ninth in Amy's series on sexual addiction)

If I asked you, “What is most important to you?” What comes to mind first? For many it's family. We know the “right” answer is to put God as our first priority. But do we?

In my own life God wasn't first on my list. My security and sense of well being came from my husband. In my eyes, he could do no wrong, I made him my rock.

That's when everything came crashing down. My “rock” had a crack pornography. The crack grew to a chasm until a pile of rubble was all that remained. Now what could I rely on?

Thankfully, God got my attention through the demise of our marriage. While we were separated, I learned to put all my trust in my true “rock” - the Lord Jesus Christ. It wasn't an easy process. Because I had grown up going to church, was baptized as a baby, and basically a “good” person; I thought I had everything under control. But, God knew what it would take to get me to put Him first. Finally, when my marriage crumbled around me, I was able to see I needed a Savior, and a Lord. I couldn't control my husband's actions. In actuality I had no control over anything. One day when I was alone and separated from my husband, God's grace broke through my devastated heart. I finally surrendered my whole life to the Lord.

After God called my husband and me into a true relationship with Himself, He asked us to reconcile our marriage. The process was hard and took years of work (we're still working). The key to our restored marriage is now we each put our hope, dreams, and trust in God alone. We realize our spouse cannot meet all our needs, especially the deepest desires of our heart. Only God can do that. We found solid ground just as described in 2 Samuel 22: 47:

“The Lord lives, and blessed be my rock, and exalted be my God, the rock of my salvation.”

Over the years I’ve had the privilege of coming alongside women who are hurting as a result of their husband's sexual addiction or infidelity. The advice I give is to concentrate on your own relationship with the Lord and let Him use this time which feels like crushing despair to deepen your faith. Sometimes despair is precisely what God will use to bring you into a real relationship with Him through Jesus. He did with me.

Are you struggling in your marriage? Do you want more than anything for your marriage to be healed? That is precisely the problem. To get your priorities straight, God wants you to desire Him more than anything even more than the restoration of your marriage.

Here are five steps I learned to make God my first priority:

1. I run to Him first when things go wrong. I cry out to Him not other people and not my husband. No earthly friend can help you the way He can.

2. I make time for Him. I can come up with so many excuses to not spend time with God. Too much work to do, the kids need me, I'd rather sleep in. Yet, He always blesses me when I make an effort to be with Him.

3. I study His Word. I used to say, “I wish God would just tell me what to do. Give me a list of instructions and I'd do it!” He has in His Word. As I study it, I realize He is leading and guiding me. For true transformation to take place,, I need to to apply His word to my life.

4. I stand on His promises. My feelings are fickle and change constantly. God's promises are true, trustworthy and never change. Whether I “feel” like it or not, I take God at His Word. For instance, although I may “feel” alone, when God says “I will never leave you nor forsake you,” I know the truth is He’s right here with me.

5. I ask Him what to do. People give plenty of advice, but only God has the exact right answer. I find it as I pray, study His Word and wait for Him to show me.

Do you have your priorities straight? Be honest with yourself. If you have put anything ahead of your relationship with God including the desire for your marriage to be healed then you need to make an effort to get your priorities back in line.

“Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. My victory and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me. O my people, trust in Him at all times. Pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge.” Psalm 62:5-8 NLT

Father, I pray You are our first priority. Our relationship with You is more important than anything else even the restoration of a broken marriage. Help us to put You first in our lives so all Your goodness can flow from there. In Jesus name, Amen.

Links in this Series by Amy Allen:
First: When You First Discover Infidelity
Second: How to Find Strength When Your Husband is Weak
Third: Your Cheating Spouse: You Can't Fix Them, Spy On Them, Or Force Them to Stop
Fourth: How to Find Trust After the Affair
Fifth: No Quick Fixes for a Crumbling Marriage
Sixth: Finding Your True Worth When You've Been Betrayed
Seventh: Are You Enabling Your Spouse's Sin?
Eighth: The Best Tool for Restoring Relationships
Ninth: Struggling Marriage? Five Steps to Making God Your First Priority

About Author, Amy Allen: When my husband's internet pornography addiction led to an affair, then acting out with prostitutes, I filed for divorce. But God used what seemed hopeless to bring us both into a real relationship with Jesus. He also redeemed our marriage. You can watch our testimony on The 700 Club(www.cbn.com/media/player/index.aspx) or visit our website athttp://www.aredeemedmarriage.com/. There truly is hope and healing for your marriage when you allow Jesus to redeem it! Tim and Amy Allen

When the Christmas Season Is a Trigger

Beth Livingston — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 14:40:58 GMT

by Yvonne Ortega
Licensed Professional Counselor
Licensed Substance Abuse Treatment Practitioner

Romans 8:37: “In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us” (NIV).

“I can’t do the Christmas season, Ms. Yvonne.” Frank formed a fist with his right hand and hit the arm of his chair.

Frank had called the agency for a counseling appointment and told the receptionist he had to see me today.

“What seems to be the problem?” I asked.

“Everywhere I go there’s lots of food and alcohol.” Frank removed the red plaid muffler around his neck. “Even the office party after work served an alcoholic punch.”

I nodded. “What happens when you see the food and alcohol?”

His laugh filled the room. “I want to eat until I’m stuffed and drink until the alcohol is gone.”

“Do you have other options?”

“Like stay home?” Frank zipped and unzipped the pockets on his winter jacket.

“You could rather than gain weight and get a hangover, or you could find out what the host will serve. If necessary, take veggies and fruit juice or bottled water.”

He sighed and shook his head. “I just can’t say, ‘No.’”

I looked at his deep brown eyes and hesitated a moment before I spoke. “It sounds like you think you’re defeated with no hope of turning the battle around.”

Frank raised his brows and asked, “How can I win?”

I reached for the Bible on my desk and opened it to Psalm 34:6. Listen to this verse, “This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles” (NIV). I closed my Bible and asked, “Have you prayed and asked God to help you with your Christmas season troubles?”

He lowered his gaze and whispered, “Not really.”

“How about you start there and ask your sponsor or another safe person to attend the Christmas functions with you?” I held my Bible up and said, “This is God’s love letter to you. He wants to help you.”

Frank blushed and said, “After all I’ve done wrong, God can’t possibly love me.” His eyes moistened with tears. “I don’t think he’ll listen to me, much less answer me.”

“The devil would like you to believe that lie.” I opened my Bible and read Jeremiah 31:3: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness” (NIV).

“That’s what the Old Testament says, but what about the New Testament?”

I smiled and handed him my Bible. “Read Romans 8:38-39.”

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (NIV). He looked at me and grinned. “I guess I can do it.”

Psalm 62:6b: “He is my fortress, I will not be shaken” (NIV).

Yvonne Ortega is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Licensed Substance Abuse Treatment Practitioner, Clinically Certified Domestic Violence Counselor, bilingual speaker, Stonecroft Ministries Regional Speaker Trainer of Virginia, and eleven-year breast cancer survivor. She is the author of Finding Hope for Your Journey through Breast Cancer (Revell) and a contributing author to The Embrace of a Father (Bethany House) and Transformed (Wine Press). She has also been published in several magazines online and hard copy. Her website is www.yvonneortega.com/. Yvonne hosted a blogtalkradio program on breast cancer, addiction, domestic violence, and other types of trauma at www.blogtalkradio.com/hope-for-the-journey. Archives are available.

All You Need is Love?

Beth Livingston — Wed, 21 Nov 2012 22:52:10 GMT

by Dr. Paul Hardy
Pastoral Counseling
Founder and Executive Director– Recovery for Life Ministries
myrecoveryforlife.com/

True or False:
__ “Love conquers all.”
__ “All you need is love.”
__ “Love heals all wounds.”
__ “God is love.”

The false statement is “All you need is love.” I remember when I met the girl who would one day be my bride; we were so in love. My dad asked me how we would pay for rent, school bills and food. “We’re in love and we can live on love, Dad,” was my reply. That statement grew complicated as we married, became pregnant and had to live in the real world.

All you need is love? There are many other things we need in life. Yet without love we cannot survive. Love is a quality that gives sacrificially, without considering its own wants or needs.

I hear the love in a parent’s voice when they share the story of their son or daughter, grandson or granddaughter who has run away. I hear the love in the spouse’s trembling words as they share stories of abuse, loss, and tragedy.

There are certain barriers to love and being loved:

HURT: If a person’s heart is filled with hurt and strong memories of hurtful experiences, it can be hard for them to give or receive love. They may build a thick wall around their heart.

Lana was so hurt from her first marriage that she felt she could never trust again. When she discovered that the pain was compounded by her relationship with her dad, who had cheated on her mom numerous times, she was able to prepare herself to avoid charmers like her dad and first husband.

The only real solution to wounds is healing. Healing shows up in numerous and creative ways. The most common route to healing is simply to ask God for it. When we ask God to heal our broken hearts, most often a change happens. There is a sense of relief. A feeling of empathy may flood our hearts. This empathy may be for ourselves and even for the person or persons who have offended us.

UNFORGIVENESS: It is a strange paradox to think that if we do not forgive someone for their wrong actions, we ourselves carry much of the weight of the situation. They may have moved on emotionally. The truth is, they may not even be aware something’s gone wrong. People often tell me, “I’ve already forgiven the person.” The depth of forgiveness is not a simple exercise of saying I forgive you. People superficially forgive with the declaration, “but I will never forget.” That’s not forgiveness.

Forgiveness is releasing the person from the debt they owe; it is letting go of the expectation that they will ever:

- say they are sorry
- explain why they did what they did
- understand your feelings
- recognize the harm they’ve done

Forgiveness is NOT allowing them to rush right back into your life to do more damage. It is NOT giving them free reign of your heart and life to damage you or others again.

HATE: Hatred will build such a wall of protection around your heart that not even the good guys can get in. When a person gives way to hatred, they become an emotional island. Vengeance often accompanies it and the result is a bitterness that no one wants to be around.

APATHY: When a person gives up on sharing and receiving love, it is a sad day. Wouldn’t you rather someone hate you than ignore you. Isn’t it easier to deal with anger than being left out? Isolation sets in and the wounded person shuts down. Unmotivated, they may give up on live.

Give Love a Chance

A woman was caught in adultery. She had sinned and was caught in the very act. The religious leaders brought her to Jesus expecting he would be in a quandary, not knowing what to do with her. He knelt down and began to write in the sand. One by one, the religious men turned away and left. “Where are your accusers?” he asked her.

Jesus is pure love. He is the truest expression of love:

1. LOVE FORGIVES: When Jesus hung on the cross, he expressed the greatest act of forgiveness when he cried out, “Father forgive them they know not what they do.”

2. LOVE LETS GO: no, we cannot forget the past and just move on. What we can do is reframe the past and envelope our pains, fears, hurts and wounds with forgiveness and meaning.

A young man who is in a dangerous service industry came in because of an addiction in his life. He could not envision what he could possibly do with this dreaded addiction that was connected with pain from his past. Reframing it means that he attaches new meaning to the purpose behind why he struggles and how it is not working for him. By reframing his past pain, his present is more manageable.

3. LOVE RESTORES: the goal of love is to restore relationships and bonds between people. Love seeks to reconnect by breaking down barriers.

4. LOVE HEALS: Americans are over-medicated and over-stressed. People seek peace in so many places. What brings whole, lasting peace is a healing encounter with the risen Christ!

It healed Saul from being a murderer. He was persecuting Christians and seeking permits to have them killed. When he met Jesus on the road to Damascus, he was transformed and peace flooded his heart as never before.

It may be that you have been in despair. Rock bottom, the end of your rope, your last straw may be your favorite phrases. Today you can seek a new path and a different way of thinking. By forgiving and seeking forgiveness, you can change the pains of your past and bring hope into your future by seeking healing for your life.

When is It Time for Intervention?

Beth Livingston — Fri, 19 Oct 2012 20:36:44 GMT

by Dr. Paul Hardy
Pastoral Counseling
Founder and Executive Director– Recovery for Life Ministries

But when Peter came to Antioch, I had to oppose him publicly, speaking strongly against what he was doing, for it was very wrong. Galatians 2: 11-14

• “Our son has gone out on a binge again and we don’t know what to do.”
• “Bill has been arrested again and we don’t know if we should bail him out or not.”
• “I need to go to rehab right now, I have no insurance and I need someone to help me get there.”
• “Linda said she might take her life tonight and we don’t know what to do with her, she refuses to go to the hospital.”
• “I’ve been kicked out of my apartment and I don’t know where to go.”

These are the calls that we receive weekly at Recovery for Life. (www.myrecoveryforlife.com) People are in crisis, they’re confused between what their mind tells them to do about a person they love and what their heart dictates. They truly “love their friend or loved one to death” and they are loving them into a death mode spiral.

Someone has to intervene.

In our text above we see that the Apostle Paul said he “had” to oppose Peter because he was making a serious mistake. Peter had made a decision that was going to affect the entire Christian culture. Others must have been standing there watching as Peter walked across the room, signaling that he would go his own way. Paul couldn’t take it any longer. He had to do something about the situation.

There comes a time when the people surrounding an addict cannot take the behavior any longer. They jump in, they cry out. Often they fail because they don’t have the strength to stick with the tough decisions. The consequences mount and life begins to unravel. It’s time for intervention. Types of interventions:

1. Self Intervention by Self-confrontation, ASK the right questions.
When a person becomes sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, they may wake up. Possibly after hearing some key phrase or the advice of a friend, the light bulb comes on and they get it. As this person talks within themselves, they begin to face the lies they have come to believe about themselves, their addiction and the world around them.

“You look pitiful,” a good friend said as he walked in to work at the bank. Was it the bloodshot eyes? Possibly that he staggered a bit. “It really made me stop for a moment and think about how bad I looked.” Unfortunately, it was only for a minute.

Confronting ourselves is not an easy thing to do. Our hearts can be most deceptive. That’s why using the Word of God as a filter is best. The truth of God’s Word never changes. As we expose our hearts and minds to God’s Words, thoughts and ideas, we are changed.

2. Human Intervention, DO something to get ready now.
Someone confronts the user because they cannot take the behavior any longer, and actually threatens to do something about it. It may be frustrating or even make them angry that relatives, friends, or co-workers would actually confront them for their behavior. Yet, what a flattery that people might still care enough to express what they see.

When family, friends, the legal system or employers step in they want action, they expect to see a change. They are no longer willing to continue on business as usual. There may be victims involved in your lifestyle. Children or spouses may need protection from the results of addictive behavior.

3. God-Intervention, PRAY hard for them to be receptive.
God orchestrates situations in people’s lives so that there are consequences that can no longer be denied. God is big enough and creative enough to get a person’s attention. He knows how to provide opportunities to help people look upward. It might be a D.U.I., a jail stay, or perhaps a child that says, “Mommy, you scare me when you drink so much.”

The Holy Spirit is a gentleman and will provide alternatives, prod, encourage, but He does not go against our will. God does intervene in ways that cause us to understand. Mat made a jailhouse conversion because for the first time, he said, “I had to sit there with no distractions and think about where my life was headed. God met me where I was in that jail cell.”

Intervention Factors

Be Prepared:
Think through every possible outcome and issue. If you do not feel fully prepared to intervene in a person’s life it is almost always better to wait. If you haven’t prepared a list of realistic consequences, don’t even think about it. If you don’t have multiple rehab options, forget it for a while. If you and other relatives are not strong enough to enforce the new rules, then you’re not ready.

Fighting Fear:
When intervening in someone’s life, there may arise a fear of rejection by the user. Addicts are gifted manipulators. They may threaten, become enraged or just push back at everything. When intervening in a consumer’s life, you cannot be afraid of what they might think.

Realize Others Are Drowning as Well:
Who is being most affected by the consequences of this person’s actions? Who will be left behind to pick up the pieces? Who will be in therapy next year explaining to someone how their lives were ruined? Magnify the consequences your behavior will have in the next generations!

Intervention Tools

We mentioned the importance of being prepared before going into an intervention. You dare not do this alone. It is best to seek the help of someone who is experienced and trained to deal with these matters.

An Intervention Coach, CONTACT one now.
I, Dr. Paul Hardy, (Certified Interventionist) have been doing interventions one-on-one and in groups for over 15 years. I have experienced most every possible scenario. Cursing, rage, people leaving, ceaseless crying and the all-famous blaming everyone else in the room. Believe me, you are better off with a professional in the process who knows how to respond to a variety of reactions. Find a certified interventionist in your area.

An Intervention Team, put the right PEOPLE together.
The people you bring to an intervention are key to the success of the process. If the people involved are codependent on the user’s acceptance or if they are not willing to enforce the boundaries, the intervention will be of little help at all.

People do get better! We have dozens of success stories of people in whose lives an intervention worked to get them to the next level of freedom. As the saying goes, “if you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.” Let’s do something different.

Handle Grief in a Healthy Way

Beth Livingston — Fri, 12 Oct 2012 21:24:28 GMT

by Yvonne Ortega
Licensed Professional Counselor
Licensed Substance Abuse Treatment Practitioner

“I got drunk because my mother died,” Georgia told me between sobs. “I can’t help it, Ms. Yvonne.”

“I’m sorry you lost your mother.” Her mother was her best friend and encourager. Georgia had stayed sober for several months and had a good job. “Does your boss know you got drunk again?”

“No, this happened over the weekend.”

Georgia’s boss had told her she could keep her job if she successfully completed treatment and didn’t drink again. Now she sat in my office and admitted she relapsed.

“Grief recovery groups, such as Grief Share, meet weekly to help those who have lost loved ones.”

“What? I’m already in your substance abuse treatment group, and you want me to go to another group?”

I explained that a grief recovery group would help her talk about the loss of her mother and process her pain rather than try to drink it away. It would cost less than her night of drinking.

“Your boss might give you another chance if you talk to him about grief recovery.” After a sip of water I said, “You could tell him you’re dealing with the loss of your mother in a positive way without drinking again.”

Georgia nodded and bit her lower lip.

“You don’t have to be afraid to admit your pain.” I reminded her that Jesus wept when his friend, Lazarus, died, even though Jesus knew he would raise him from the dead.

“Yeah, but I’m not Jesus.” Georgia cried and reached for tissue from her purse. “I can’t raise my mother from the dead.”

We both knew that, but I reminded her that when Jesus returns, “the dead in Christ will rise first” (1 Thessalonians 4:16 NIV).

She smiled for the first time and said, “I know I’ll see her again, but I don’t know how to deal with the loss of my mom until then without drinking to numb the pain.”

“You might want to talk to a friend or your pastor about your grief.” I waited a minute and said, “You can journal about how much your mother meant to you and pour out your heart to God in prayer.”

Georgia leaned over the desk and buried her face in her hands. “I don’t know how to pray.” She looked up and said, “Can you give me a quick lesson?”

“The Bible calls God our heavenly Father and our refuge. Talk to him as you would to a friend.”

With raised eyebrows, she said, “It’s that easy?”

I nodded. “You might also want to listen to praise and worship music and read the Psalms for comfort.”

2 Corinthians 1:3-4: “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those who in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”

How to Build Teamwork in a Restored Marriage

Beth Livingston — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 20:32:28 GMT

by Amy Allen
Guest Blogger
from "A Redeemed Marriage" http://www.aredeemedmarriage.com
(Ninth in Amy's series on sexual addiction)

“I like being on your team.” My friend's husband beamed as he spoke to her. They had just spent the day tag-teaming as care takers for their ill child while they each finished work they needed to do from home. Yet just a few years ago they had been separated for 18 months after discovering his deep-rooted sexual addiction. “I had prayed for a better marriage, but had no idea that God could make it this good after it was nearly destroyed,” my friend confided in me.

A marriage is about being a team not individuals with their own agendas. God says a husband and wife have been made into one flesh. If we take God seriously then we must approach our marriage in this way: as a team.

I have come to understand that my husband's sexual addiction is not just his problem, it's our problem. Since I am on the same team as my husband, I need to do my part to help him overcome this sin not by controlling him, but by serving by his side. I realize we have the same enemy: satan, who is hell-bent on destroying our marriage and will do anything it takes to accomplish his evil plan. But God tells us we are more than conquerors over everything that seeks to destroy us and our relationship with Christ. Here are four practical ways God has shown me how this works in our marriage.

Overcome problems together. Pretend to put your problem on a table. You and your husband sit on opposite sides. You each see the problem from your perspective. You may start arguing because you can't see the other's point of view. OK, now stop. Move to the other side of the table, put your arm around your spouse (or hold hands), and face the problem together. Now that you are on the same side you can deal with your problem as a team.
Pray together. God tells us where two or more are gathered in His name, He is right there with them. Pray together over the situation. Humbly ask God for His wisdom to help you get through this as a team. If your spouse won't pray with you, then you can still pray for them constantly. You can put your hands on them and pray for them while they sleep. Pray they will be delivered from the sins keeping them in bondage. Also, pray God will show you what your role is and changes you may need to make in your own life.
Discuss and help minimize temptations. After my husband and I had reconciled, there were still things we needed to do to help him avoid temptations. I did not make demands, however, he asked me to put a password on our computer so that I had to be the one to log him on. It was a measure of protection so he didn't have access to the internet 24 hours a day. Plus, I had to be in the house when he was on it. My husband, Tim, told me he was tempted by scantily dressed women at a friend's birthday party. Now we take more care as to what parties we attend. If there will be temptation for Tim, we don't go. When I am trying to lose weight I wouldn't appreciate Tim eating ice cream right in front of me. In the same way, I try to think about how he may be tempted.
Confess your weaknesses to each other. The beauty of being part of a team is each member has unique strengths and weaknesses. You've heard that opposites attract? I believe this was all part of God's divine plan. Where one is weak, the other is strong and vice-versa. Since you are on the same team, learn how to help strengthen the other person's weak area without feeling superior to them. Be humble enough to let them help you as well.

If you think about it, even God Himself is in a team relationship: God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. If we look at our own marriages as a team effort, with God at the center, there is no way we can lose!

“A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.” - Ecclesiastes 4:12 NLT

Father, I pray for marriages that are struggling, especially in the area of sexual addiction. Help them see themselves as a team. Help them realize that you put them together for a reason and You want them to fight for their marriage together. With You at the head, they can succeed. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

A Message to You from the Homeless

Beth Livingston — Fri, 14 Sep 2012 18:56:14 GMT

by Dr. Paul Hardy
Pastoral Counseling
Founder and Executive Director– Recovery for Life Ministries

Raul had become homeless. A number of financial reversals and squashed dreams found him living in the back woods of Virginia Beach, always watching his back and developing a really nasty attitude about life. The anger and sarcasm oozed out of every pore of his body.

It hadn’t always been that way. Early on, his aspirations led him to play baseball and he was a pretty good catcher. He played hard at the game and also played hard at life.

After a blown out knee, and the end of his dreams of going pro, he found a job in a men’s clothing store. After some time, he became the store manager. Drinking became a way of life. It was his stress relief and a way to escape the pain of feeling useless. For a long time he managed his double lifestyle. He had everything under control. That was, until the owner of the store fired him immediately after he came to work drunk. Then his wife could take it no longer and took his precious little girl to leave and survive on her own.

Major Causes of Homelessness

1. "I could feel myself spinning out of control."

We often believe we can control ourselves and our issues in life. Yet, many people get to the point of spinning out of control and cannot maintain a functional life.

Disorders: No one wakes up and thinks they’re going to develop a disorder that could ruin their lives forever. OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), for example, can make going to work torturous. Delina goes through hours of rituals, counting and recounting steps, organizing clothes, scrubbing her hands over and over before she feels able to leave the house. She is about to lose her job because of showing up late so often. The next stop after that will be the woods.

It’s not only having a disorder, but also having an undiagnosed disorder. Some homeless people have the sense that they cannot be boxed in; they prefer (or at least feel they prefer) the woods, open spaces where they can be free. Yet the dangers of having disorders and living out in nature are severe. Many women are raped, taken advantage of. Men get into fights over territory and survival goods.

Addictions: We believe that about 70% of homeless people struggle with addictions. Many people numb the pain of their lifelong difficulties with addictions. When these take over one’s life, everything changes. The consequences catch up sooner or later. The sense of uselessness, despair and failure can be overwhelming.

2. "Two hospital stays took every bit of savings I had."

There are countless situations of people who have developed severe illnesses and could not cover the costs. One hospital visit without insurance can be devastating, let alone a chronic, prolonged stay due to life-threatening disease. Without a job, and with no healthcare, many homeless lose everything to insurmountable debt. It becomes so severe they feel their only recourse is to hide away.

Families are now the fastest growing segment of the homeless population and account for almost 40 percent of the nation’s homeless. On any given night, 1.2 million children are homeless.
Most children become homeless because their mothers and fathers are unable to find affordable housing. Traumatic events such as unemployment, illness, accidents, or violence and abuse further limit their ability to secure decent housing.
The average homeless family is composed of a young, single mother and two children under the age of six. (Stats provided by www.fightpoverty.mmbrico.com)

3. "Then I lost my job."

Both job loss and the inability to find work complicate the issues for many people. Companies are cutting back in many unforeseen ways and it is almost impossible to survive on minimum wage today. As well, when you have no id, driver’s license or vehicle, the challenge to advance in any employment can be next to impossible.

4. If you lose connection with your support base, you could become homeless.

When people are renting and face financial reversals, there may be nowhere else to go. The National Coalition for the Homeless website states:

“Recently, foreclosures have increased the number of people who experience homelessness. The National Coalition for the Homeless released an entire report discussing the relationship between foreclosure and homelessness. The report found that there was a 32% jump in the number of foreclosures between April 2008 and April 2009. Since the start of the recession, six million jobs have been lost. In May 2009, the official unemployment rate was 9.4%. The National Low Income Housing Coalition estimates that 40 percent of families facing eviction due to foreclosure are renters and 7 million households living on very low incomes (31 - 50 percent of Area Median Income) are at risk of foreclosure.”

5. "Because of my addiction and problems, my family pretty much abandoned us."

Family is at the core of survival for many people. If you have burned your bridges to your family support and friends no longer help, you are truly alone. In many cases, mother and children seek refuge in family members who are still willing to help. This leaves many men out on the street. But due to the severity of the many issues people face, many more families are out in the cold. It is predicted that there are over 1.5 million homeless children in our country. Families who are struggling in today’s economy, find it very hard to bring in another family group which will imply more burden and expense.

Getting Out of Homelessness

Let’s get back to Raul. After years in the woods, he asked for help and found it in a non-profit that helped him sober up and get warm meals. He sensed that someone really cared. He just celebrated three years of sobriety in the program. The Director helped him get a job. He is now a manager and even has a company vehicle. He shares an apartment with his brother. One evening, during his recovery meeting, his phone kept ringing over and over. When he finally answered it, it was his estranged daughter. They meet almost weekly.

Core Concepts for Helping Those Who Need a Hand Up:

1. Micro change is still change.
2. Partnerships create greater possibilities.
3. Holistic approaches are best.
4. It requires an unwavering focus on solutions.

The Best Tool for Restoring Relationships

Beth Livingston — Fri, 07 Sep 2012 19:26:44 GMT

by Amy Allen
Guest Blogger
from "A Redeemed Marriage"
http://www.aredeemedmarriage.com/
(Eighth in Amy's series on sexual addiction)

“This is the only thing that keeps me from acting out,” my husband said as he held up the Bible, God's Word. With trembling lips and tears in his eyes he shared with me how badly at times he still wants to have sex with other women, but the truth of God's Word keeps him from carrying out his desires. He has come to believe that God's Word is truth; holy and reliable and able to keep him from sinning.

When my husband, Tim, and I were separated for six months, due to me discovering his infidelity with prostitutes, Tim was the first one to accept that God's Word is 100% true. It took me longer to get to that place. I had grown up in a church where only portions of God's Word were taught, usually the ones that had feel-good stories or moral lessons we could learn from. Because of a Greek mythology class I took in college, I likened the stories of the Bible to those ancient myths.

After Tim and I came to a true faith in Jesus and were reconciled, we both began to dig deeply into God's Word. I took many Precept Bible studies which helped me to slow down and observe what Scripture had to say. But the key to growing in my faith in God has been the application of His Word to every area of my life. For Tim, he not only applies it, he clings to it as a lifeline.

When Tim and I first separated I could only see his sin, not my own. God's Word has helped me with forgiveness, anger, pride, self-pity, bitterness, an insatiable need for attention, and self-righteousness, just to name a few!

Here are some examples of what God's Word is doing in my life:

It helps me realize how much God has forgiven me and that if I withhold forgiveness from my husband, or anyone else, I am sinning. The parable of the rich master and the servant in Matthew chapter 18 makes this very clear. Plus, refusing forgiveness does nothing to the offender, but instead tortures the one who won't forgive.
It reminds me that my fight is not against my husband, but instead against Satan, the one who wants to absolutely destroy my husband, me, our family and our marriage. The battle can only be fought with my sword (God's Word), by putting on my battle gear, and by praying all the time in the Spirit. (See Ephesians 6:10-18)
It is a key to overcoming the lies of the devil. Satan will tell me that my situation is hopeless, that I am worthless, that my husband will never change. God's Word tells me a different story. If Jesus' only weapon to fight Satan was the truth of God's Word, how much more so should it be my weapon of choice? (See Matthew 4:1-11)
It has shown me how powerful my own words are: they can build someone up or destroy them. Lately, I've been remembering the wisdom found in this verse: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up dissension.” (Proverbs 15:1 NIV) Try applying this when you are in an argument. It works!
It helps me remember who I am in Christ. When I've been hurt, I apply the truth of God's Word to my wound. God reminds me that I am His precious child and that He loves me and will never leave me alone. Faith is taking God at His Word, believing what He says to be true, and applying it to our lives whether we can “feel” His love or not. His Word is like ointment applied to an open cut - hardly felt when applied, but soon the healing it brings is evident.

God's Word is living and active. It has the power to overcome sin in our lives. To be most effective you must first have a relationship with the Lord through Jesus, then you must believe that His Word is true, and, finally, you must apply God's Word to your life. Don't just be a hearer of God's Word, be a doer. (James 1:22-24) It makes the difference between winning the race of life or despondently sitting on the sidelines.

“For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12 NIV
Father, Your Word is powerful and true! I pray that You would help us to not only read it and study it, but to apply it to our lives. In Jesus' name, Amen.

About Author, Amy Allen: When my husband's internet pornography addiction led to an affair, then acting out with prostitutes, I filed for divorce. But God used what seemed hopeless to bring us both into a real relationship with Jesus. He also redeemed our marriage. You can watch our testimony on The 700 Club(www.cbn.com/media/player/index.aspx) or visit our website athttp://www.aredeemedmarriage.com/. There truly is hope and healing for your marriage when you allow Jesus to redeem it! Tim and Amy Allen

Is Addiction a Sin?

Beth Livingston — Fri, 31 Aug 2012 18:22:56 GMT

An Interview with Stephen Arterburn
by Beth Patch
CBN.com Internet Editor and Producer

Respected addiction recovery author and speaker, Stephen Arterburn’s new book, The Book of Life Recovery: Inspiring Stories and Biblical Wisdom for Your Journey through the Twelve Steps, releases the first week in September, 2012. It’s the latest in the Life Recovery series of books that began with the popular Life Recovery Bible.

Recently, Stephen Arterburn spoke with CBN.com about his new book, his passion for recovery, and some insights on addiction. Below is a snippet from this recent interview:

Do you believe that addiction is a sin?

Stephen Arterburn: Well, I believe that every addict is deeply involved in sin. But I also believe that every sinner is addicted to their favorite sin, whether it’s gossiping or whatever. So, I think that they go hand in hand. I think addiction is a condition. I think you could say it’s a sin condition, where you kind of lost your ability to make a decision about something. In other words, if I right now decide that I’m going to drink a gallon of alcohol, I can decide to do that. If I’m in the addiction process, the addiction has more control of me, and at any point I can decide to stop the addiction process. And so, I can get the help I need. But it’s very, very difficult for me to do that and see that, because I’m so blinded by the addiction.

I like refer to addiction as a “problem.” I think for some people it’s more physical than sin, and for some people it’s more sin than physical. I don’t know where exactly when to draw that line, but I know this: it’s a problem, it’s got symptoms, and there’s a solution for it. That solution is a spiritual solution. So, rather than argue about should people never drink, should everybody not drink at all, (which was the big argument when I was growing up), or is it a sin or not a sin. My big thing is, okay, whether it’s a sin or not, it’s your responsibility to deal with it if you got it. And if you don’t deal with it, well, that’s sin. So, let’s get on with the recovery process.

In step one, the statement includes the phrase “We admitted … that our lives had become unmanageable. A highly functioning addict has trouble with that. “Well, no it’s not [unmanageable]," they may argue, "I’m still holding down a job.” How can we minister to people in that place?

Stephen: Yeah. Well, I think a big part of helping someone, if you’re not related to them, is to help them go from the external evidences of success to the internal experience of serenity and peace, and fulfillment, and to help a person see that they don’t have those things. They’ve got the external things that point to success, but the internal they don’t have.

But when you’re related to that person, they may think everything’s great, because you’re a peace keeper or a people pleaser or something like that, and you haven’t fully informed them just how unmanageable their life is, because you haven’t been brave enough or courageous enough to tell them that this is the reality of your life. And so, when we’re around that person, I think we’re really called to help them. James 5:19-20, says rescue someone like that who is wavering, and you save their lives, and you prevent many sins, and provide the forgiveness of sins. Then one of my favorite Psalms is Proverbs 24:11 says, “Hold back those stagger toward the slaughter.” So, we’re really called to make a bold move and help that person see the reality of their life and help them get into recovery. Otherwise, they may stay in their state of denial for a very long time.

There are a good number of churches getting involved in the recovery process. It’s no longer such a deep, wide split between the AA and the NA programs and church-sponsored programs. Someone who’s going to a meeting every day for 90 days, they’re finding that they can go back and forth from the AA and the church-sponsored programs. They feel comfortable across the spectrum, and it’s really encouraging to see that. But not seeing as many Christians really standing up and saying, “Yeah, I’ve got a problem.” It’s almost like they still want to keep it a secret. Why is that difficult for Christians?

Stephen: Well, there’s of course more shame in our culture, and we tend to be more judgmental of each other. We do have a judgmental rejecting attitude toward others. We think of ourselves better than others. It’s really important, I think, that we look at this whole issue of what does God expect of us in the face of somebody with the problem. And that is to offer them help, but to extend the grace that He has given us. We just don’t do a very good job of doing that in the church. So, hopefully it is changing, and I think it is.

Stephen Arterburn is the founder and chairman of New Life Ministries - the nation's largest faith-based broadcast, counseling, and treatment ministry - and host of the nationally syndicated New Life Live! daily radio program. He has developed (with David Stoop) the bestselling Life Recovery Bible., as well as a companion Life Recovery workbook, devotional, and journal. A bestselling author, Steve has written more than one hundred books and has been featured in media venues subh as Oprah, Good Morning America, and the New York Times. Steve holds degrees from Baylor University and the University of North Texas. He resides with his family in Indiana.

Why Are You Addicted?

Beth Livingston — Fri, 24 Aug 2012 19:52:37 GMT

by Chance Campbell
Guest Writer

The following is the final installment of our interview between Chance Campbell, Sr. editor and addiction specialist at Alltreatment.com, and Mike Wilkerson, pastor at Mars Hill church in Ballard, Seattle. Wilkerson is the author of Redemption, a book which discusses the biblical underpinnings of addiction, abuse, and recovery.

Chance Campbell: You were speaking about showing compassion for addicts, whether sinners or victims.

Mike Wilkerson: We stand on good Christian ground when we show compassion to sinning-sufferers, suffering-sinners and outright victims alike. You don't have to dodge personal responsibility by choosing a label like victim when you're not a victim in order to get God's mercy. Quite the opposite, God shows us mercy despite our sin, forgiving, cleansing and transforming sinners like me and the tax collector who cried "God, be merciful to me, a sinner" (Luke 18:13).

Chance: What are some simple steps an addict can follow to begin a successful recovery?

Mike: I think this would depend on the nature and severity of the addiction. Some will need medical intervention to get some distance from an addictive chemical substance in order to be in a right mind and physical state to make much progress in counseling and group work.

Beyond that, I'm afraid that speaking of simple steps could sound simplistic. But addictions are complex, and can be quite resilient against simple steps.

In our church, we'd help them get connected to some community support through a Community Group, and some biblical counseling through a Redemption Group and some individualized biblical counseling, both designed to foster personal growth within the community context. Along the way, they'd address all sorts of issues in the heart: dealing with suffering well, learning to resist temptation, honest confession, exchanging lies for truth, repentance of sin, forgiving others, growing in wise decision-making, taking responsibility for choices, and most of all, receiving God's forgiveness and kindness in Jesus Christ.

Chance: How central is ‘belief in a higher power’ to overcoming addiction?

Mike: Slaves usually don't free themselves. Addictions are powerful. So yes, it's essential. But there's a difference between a belief in a higher power as I define it (subjective), and an actual power that's actually higher and breaks me free from slavery (objective).

True freedom, not only from addictive behavior, but from the underlying sin problem at its root, is only possible through the latter: the resurrected Christ by his Spirit, working powerfully in the hearts and bodies of those he is redeeming from slavery of all kinds, as we respond in belief.

Chance: Some believe medical marijuana use is a thin legal veil for addiction. Is regular medicinal marijuana use ok?

Mike: I'm not well-informed about the ins and outs of medicinal marijuana usage, but it's not the only substance that can be used in either legal or illegal dosages. People abuse painkillers they are prescribed legally as well as those they attain illegally. When you level the playing field a bit by making something legal, the issue comes down to the heart and wisdom. Forming a sinful habit legally doesn't make it ok just because it's legal.

I've known and counseled those who have realized their sinful use of painkillers. They were legally prescribed and used in legal doses, yet they began to recognize some sinful motives for taking the medications growing up like weeds alongside the original legitimate motives. These people have good reasons to be on those medications, but they found more compelling reasons not to be on them. If they do use the medications again, they'll do so carefully and with increased accountability and monitoring by others whom they trust.

Chance: Is there such a thing as a responsible relationship with mind-altering substances? How can one regulate one’s use of drugs (legal or illegal) to live a life that is closest to God?

Mike: If you mean crack, no. If you mean legally prescribed medication, yes, there is such a thing. As I described previously, though, it comes down to the heart. Just because there is such as responsible use, doesn't entitle me to use them however I want. It makes me accountable before God to use them responsibly, which includes giving thanks to him for providing help in the form of medication. If I can't thank God with a clear conscience for providing this medication to help me, then I'm probably using it in a way that is putting a wedge between me and him, a way that replaces him as my true source of hope, or comfort.

Chance: Thanks for your responses. Is there anything else you’d like to share?

Mike: Thank you for the opportunity to respond.

Three Part Interview with author and pastor, Mike Wilkerson:

Redemption
by Mike Wilkerson
Crossway Books, 2011

Mike Wilkerson
Author, Redemption
Pastor, Mars Hill church in Ballard, Seattle

Chance Campbell
Senior Editor & Addiction Specialist at Alltreatment.com

Will the Cravings Ever Go Away?

Beth Livingston — Fri, 17 Aug 2012 18:27:45 GMT

by Yvonne Ortega
Licensed Professional Counselor
Licensed Substance Abuse Treatment Practitioner

“I can’t stop thinking about having a drink, just one with a little puff of weed.” Jim sat in my office, shrugged and said. “It would be sweet.”

I raised my brows and said, “Would it?” I sat in silence for a moment, and then said, “Somehow I don’t remember that you ever stopped after one drink and one puff of weed.”

“Because I haven’t in the past doesn’t mean I can’t.” He leaned forward in his chair and held his head up as if he were a soldier off to war.

His track record in the past indicated that he couldn’t, and each time he relapsed, he got into more trouble.

“So what am I supposed to do?” Jim smirked, tapped his fingers on my desk and said, “Go to 10 meetings a day?”

An inventory of his attitude seemed appropriate. I suggested he examine his sense of entitlement. Jim admitted he had been “good” for three months, so he felt entitled to a drink and a puff of weed. I recommended other forms of reward, such as watching a movie with his family, having popcorn and playing table games with his children, or working out at the gym with the men in his Bible study.

“What about those cravings?” Jim asked with one hand on his hip. “Will they go away at the gym?”

“If you want them to.” The mind needs transformation. That’s why Paul said in Romans 12:2: “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will” (NIV).

“So you’re saying I need a mind repair?”

With a laugh, I nodded. Jim did need a mind repair by the Great Physician who created his mind. The way of this world is to satisfy every whim without any thought of consequences and the effects on the lives of others. God’s way would be “good, pleasing and perfect.”

Jim took a deep breath and said, “Can that mind repair start here right now?”

With a smile and a nod, I agreed it could. I picked up my Bible and read 2 Corinthians 10:5: “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (NIV).

I told Jim he would have to take captive every craving to make it obedient to Christ. “When we want our own way, we make excuses and justify what we crave.”

Jim agreed to let God do his “mind repair” and left.

2 Corinthians 10:3-4: “For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds” (NIV).

Yvonne Ortega is an eleven-year breast cancer survivor, Licensed Professional Counselor, Licensed Substance Abuse Treatment Practitioner, Clinically Certified Domestic Violence Counselor, and bilingual speaker. She is the author of Finding Hope for Your Journey through Breast Cancer (Revell) and a contributing author to The Embrace of a Father (Bethany House) and Transformed (Wine Press). She has also been published in several magazines online and hard copy. Her website is http://www.yvonneortega.com/. Her blog on addiction and domestic violence is at http://www.yvonneortega.blogspot.com/.

Four Signs Temptation May Be Winning

Beth Livingston — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 19:55:56 GMT

by Dr. Paul Hardy
Pastoral Counseling
Founder, Recovery for Life ministries

God blesses the people who patiently endure testing. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. James 1:12

The other day someone called in a crisis. After sharing some options and resources, I asked how I might pray for them. “Pray that God would give me patience.” We most often avoid that prayer as if it were a plague. We do not want to be patient. Our culture goes against it and our very nature fights it. For people who struggle with addictions, that sense of impatience is heightened because we are used to instant gratification. For the addict, it’s “get what you want when you want it or find a resourceful way to make sure you do.”

A sure-fire sign that someone is not doing well in his or her recovery, or that they are struggling with an area of temptation is a severe lack of patience. Let’s look at it like this:

I was at the grocery store one day and met with the perfect example of addiction. A dear lady from our church was standing at the ice cream freezer, looking. I too was hunting my favorite flavor of the week, just hoping it might be on a buy one get one free. We conversed for a moment, and then with a gleam in her eye and passion in her voice, she leaned in and said, "See this ice cream. It’s on sale and I just bought a pallet load of it!"

Just take the intensity of your favorite food, ice cream, chips, whatever it might be, and multiple that by 50. That’s a bit of the surge of emotion the addict senses. Whether it is pornography, sweets, heroin or crack, the instant sense of pleasure can be indescribable. Now, let’s say that, to that same lady, we tell her that she cannot have ANY ice cream. Just imagine what might happen!

So, if someone you love is not doing well, there are certain telltale signs:

1. Big Stress and Anger
Overall, the key to knowing that a spouse, co-worker, or friend has relapsed is to observe their level of stress. If suddenly the stress level rises with no explanation, that’s concerning. One young man we worked with began to have severe migraine headaches. He had never had them before and they became crippling. Later, he was arrested, and we could pinpoint the date the headaches began to the time he began illegal activities.

The internal stress of denial, lying and covering up can be exhausting. Add to that mix the symptoms of secret withdrawal, and a fiery dragon soon emerges.

People who are healthy in recovery deal with stressors in creative and positive ways.

2. Defensiveness
Dena explains that every time her husband gets deep into porn he becomes very defensive about the time he spends on the computer. “He just won’t listen, becomes angry and fights if I try to point out how much time he’s spending at work or on the computer.” Pornography is not the only technological addiction. We are seeing a rise in the number of adults who have become addicted to video gaming; spending up to 10 hours a day playing video games.

If a person is truly repentant they don’t become defensive when they’re confronted.

3. Lying/Secrecy
Not only is defensiveness an issue, but also out-right lying is a sign of deeper issues. Katrina found a small list in her husband’s wallet. When she confronted him about what appeared to be a list of drug dealer’s names and addresses, he became very angry. “He just could not believe that I didn’t trust him and that I went through his wallet. He said the list was potential clients. But I did recognize two of them as druggie associates.” Lying, excuse-making and covering up create doubt about a person’s integrity.

For some lies, there are objective proof tests. Living with someone who has lied often, or continues to lie can drive family members to insanity!

Urine screens don’t lie. I have given drug tests to people who, after failing them, stared their family members and me in the eyes and still lied. Eventually, the truth comes out. For the cheater, a lie-detector test, even though not 100% accurate, can expose the truth. Hiding behaviors, inconsistencies, and covering up for time spent are signs that something is wrong. The secrets have got to come out. Until the splinters of secrecy are removed, there will be no lasting relief.

If a person is doing well, their life will be an open book to you.

4. Preachyness
One of the clearest signs a person is not doing well is a disdain, critical attitude and hatred for other people who struggle with the same addiction. They may judge or complain about other people who are alcoholics. “I’m not nearly as bad off so and so who just fell.”

Rather than showing empathy or even offering possible solutions, the person who is secretly living a double life will look down on others who are not doing well. They are quick to call people out and tell them what they should have done.

The person who is broken and sincere will have both compassion and offer realistic solutions for others who fall.

The best way to understand how a person is doing in their recovery is to ask them when they are doing well. Invite them to become your educator. Ask them to teach you what their signs are that will tell you they are not doing well. Partner with them in an agreement so that you can help keep them from falling.

Are You Enabling Your Spouse's Sin?

Beth Livingston — Wed, 01 Aug 2012 21:34:54 GMT

by Amy Allen
Guest Blogger
from "A Redeemed Marriage"
http://www.aredeemedmarriage.com
(Seventh in Amy's series on sexual addiction)

I had every intention of never speaking to him again. After discovering my husband, Tim, had been going to prostitutes for over a year without me realizing it, I filed for divorce.

Unbeknownst to me, God had a much different plan in store. During a six month separation, God held back the divorce papers and brought both my husband and me into a true relationship with Himself through Jesus. Then He called me to reconcile with my husband.

In each of these situations, God directed my steps and showed me very clearly what to do. (Proverbs 20:24) The key was listening to Him. Every marriage situation is different. There are different circumstances, different people coming from different backgrounds, different journeys and relationships with the Lord. Perhaps one spouse is a believer in Jesus and the other isn't. Maybe they both think they are following the Lord but neither one of them has a close relationship with Him.

Many women in my situation ask me for advice. I can only share what God has done in my own marriage and encourage them to seek the Lord with all their heart. God is able to show each one of us what we should do. He desires that each of us trust Him and ask Him for advice and direction. I believe God uses these devastating situations to bring us closer to Him. Because He created each one of us uniquely, He can show us what to do in every unique situation.

Sometimes God will call us to stay. Sometimes He will call us to separate. Never will He ask us to condone or enable sin.

When God called me to move back home with my husband, I did so only out of love and obedience for Him. I was very afraid of being hurt again. During our time apart, God gave my husband a glimpse of hell, where he was headed if he continued with his life of sin. Thankfully got the message, and, in tears of release and repentance, he gave his life to Christ. (2 Corinthians 7:10) One of the ways I knew it was God's will to reconcile was because of the true repentance I saw in my husband. It was amazing to see how excited he was about the Bible. He was convinced it was 100% true and he should live his life by it. I saw my husband as a new creation in Christ. (2 Corinthians 5:17)

God wants each one of us to be with Him forever. This means truly turning from our sin, repenting, and giving our lives to Him. I believe a big part of our roles as wives is to love our husbands enough to leave them when they are sinning and not take personal responsibility for their sin. (1 Corinthians 7:2-6) If our husband is not a believer, separating for a time may be the only way God can get their attention. That old saying, “You don't know what you've got until it's gone” often comes true in this kind of situation.

I learned that if I truly love my husband, truly want what is best for him, then I cannot condone or enable his sin. I have to be the wife he needs, not necessarily the wife he wants. The wife he needs prays for him, encourages him to spend time with the Lord, cheers him on, forgives him when he stumbles, hates the sin but loves the sinner.

Sometimes love is tough. It does the very thing we may not “feel” like doing. It doesn't always line up with our emotions or feelings because love isn't a feeling but an action. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) It looks out for the best for the other person, even if that person may “feel” unloved at the time. Isn't God that way with us? He doesn't always give us what we want, but He always gives us what we need. Because He loves us so much, He wants us to grow, persevere, and become more like Jesus in character. (Philippians 2:1-18)

“My brothers and sisters, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring that person back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death and cover over a multitude of sins.” ~ James 5:19-20 NIV

Father, I pray for people that are struggling with sexual sin. I pray You give their spouse the strength they need to separate when necessary and the obedience to reconcile when You call them to that. You are a God of redemption. Help each one of us to follow You and trust Your guidance in every situation. You alone have all the answers. I pray these things in Jesus' name, Amen.

About Author, Amy Allen: When my husband's internet pornography addiction led to an affair, then acting out with prostitutes, I filed for divorce. But God used what seemed hopeless to bring us both into a real relationship with Jesus. He also redeemed our marriage. You can watch our testimony on The 700 Club(www.cbn.com/media/player/index.aspx) or visit our website athttp://www.aredeemedmarriage.com/. There truly is hope and healing for your marriage when you allow Jesus to redeem it! Tim and Amy Allen