We’re a nation of aspirin and Prozac. We’re taking naturopathic remedies in historic quantities. We want to feel better and stop at little to achieve it—except for taking real action.
Why is it that we’re willing to buy aspirin, take antidepressants and even visit doctors, (who say a huge percentage of patient visits are psychosomatic in nature), yet are unwilling to make significant changes in lifestyle?
That is of course, a question each of us has considered. We want instant relief, quick fixes and easy remedies. On one hand we maintain fierce independence, wishing to solve our own problems, and on the other hand, want our doctors to make us well.
I see this same pattern as a Relationship Doctor. Couples frantically call me, indicating they are in serious distress.
However, when I prescribe significant change in how they interact, they balk. When I look at both partners and suggest changes in how they communicate to each other, they become defensive and resist change.
They don’t like it when I say, “Real change requires real action.” Or said another way, “A little change produces little results. If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got.”
No one wants to hear these words. They want promises of radical change and new life in their marriage. They want hope. They want promises of a brighter day—and I can give them that, if they are willing to make changes.
Here is a letter from a frustrated woman, tired of her life and marriage.
Dear Dr. David.
My husband and I have been married for five years. We have had a tough time from the beginning. We have a baby daughter, and my husband is insensitive to how she should be treated. He is rough with her, and insensitive to how fragile she is. He is harsh with her when she begins crying.
I have tried to talk to him about how harsh he is with our daughter, but he is defensive and says I’m overly protective. I don’t think I am, and am afraid now to leave her with him. I work part-time, and we have arranged our schedules so he can care for her. Now I don’t want to go to work because I’m not sure he’ll be careful with her.
I feel like my husband is backing me into a corner. If I can’t trust my husband to be caring and loving with my daughter, and he won’t work with me to make changes, what am I going to do? If he becomes defensive and yells back at me, how can I expect he will treat our daughter when frustrated with her? Now I don’t want any more children, and our marriage has problems. He wouldn’t agree and thinks I’m making a big deal out of nothing. What can I do? --Protective Mother
Dear Protective, There are several issues that need attention—and when I say need attention, I mean need immediate attention. A little bit of attention won’t do it. You must insist on real change.
First, you note that your husband is harsh with your daughter. It is imperative that his harshness not take the form of child abuse or neglect. It is your responsibility to ensure that he can be trusted with your vulnerable and fragile daughter. While it will be a difficult conversation, you must let your husband know that he cannot harm your daughter in any way.
Second, you indicate that you cannot talk to your husband about this sensitive issue. This is very concerning, because you need to communicate effectively about your daughter and other matters for the remainder of your marriage. I suggest insisting you and your husband enter counseling immediately to work on developing effective communication skills—to discuss this and other matters where you are likely to disagree.
Third, practice disengaging from the power struggle with your husband. In other words, don’t argue with him. Don’t try to force him into anything, but rather invite him into talking about this problem, seeking a solution that is agreeable to both.
Don’t defend or debate with him, but rather seek cooperation. Ask him to cooperate with you, noting the importance of being “on the same page” when it comes to parenting.
Fourth, look deeper into this problem. If you argue over parenting your daughter, chances are you battle over other issues as well. Take strong, decisive steps to change the way you relate to each other. Take another critical look at your relationship, noting other problems. Don’t settle for a quick fix in how you relate about your daughter. See this as an opportunity to change how you relate more globally.
Finally, take communication and parenting classes, perhaps offered by your church, as a means of finding a parenting strategy that is agreed upon by both of you. These classes are invaluable in helping parents discover a parenting plan that works for both partners. This could also be an excellent way to diffuse the problem, allowing you both to adopt a parenting plan devised by a professional. Read the recommended book, practice the tools and techniques, and get excited together about learning effective ways to parent your daughter.
I would love to hear from others who struggle co-parenting their children. What have you found effective in helping to parent consistently?