In our computer age, we can text message, date, chat, blog and be part of group forums, without leaving our easy chairs. The possibility for friendships is limited only by the speed of your Internet connection. With our innate need to belong, there is a burgeoning business of online community.
With people “gathering” in more and more online places and spaces, it comes as no surprise that I’m increasingly hearing about relationship problems associated with the Internet. Extra-marital affairs, started on the Internet, are occurring with increased frequency. Friendships are formed after repeated contact, with the possibility for romance being part of the equation.
When is an online friendship safe, and when is it dangerous? These are questions every online user should answer. A recent emailer wrote the following concern.
Dear Dr. David. This is taking all the courage I have to write this to you. My husband and I have been married for several years. I love my husband very much! We have struggled with every issue that could affect a marriage and we are still married. He has been having a relationship with a woman online that has been going on for two years, and they have exchanged very intimate emails as well as mailing gifts etc. She knows he is married. They have not personally met or spoke. I have been absolutely crushed and feel paralyzed by it all. I have addressed this at least three times, saying how I cannot stay in this marriage if he continues with this relationship. He continues to this day.
I know that I have failed him as a wife in order for him to go somewhere else for emotional intimacy. I have apologized and asked for his forgiveness. I just know that it is not right for him to expect me to stay while he continues this behavior. I know he loves me and he says he wants a good marriage, but I am feeling taken advantage of and not being given the chance to heal so we can start to bond our marriage again. I don't want to fail, and yet I don’t want to be in pain all the time. What should I do?
While I think there are some unique aspects to online relationships, there are also many elements of online friendships that echo reality friendships. There are opportunities for healthy friendships, as well as opportunities for dishonesty and unhealthy behavior. There are many opportunities to slip into relationships that cause havoc to our marriage.
Consider the following issues:
First, your husband has been having a relationship with a woman for several years and is sharing intimate emails with this woman. The fact that he has an ongoing relationship with her, and is sharing intimate information with her, confirms the notion that a relationship rarely stands still. Either people grow closer, or move further apart. Anytime we share intimate material with anyone we take the friendship to a deeper level, and clearly he is moving into a more intimate relationship with this woman.
Anytime we carry on an intimate conversation with a member of the opposite sex we run the risk of developing a romantic attachment to that person, which can obviously lead to a greater threat to your marriage. Your husband is playing with fire, and all of you are likely to get burned.
Scripture encourages us to “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” (Proverbs 4: 23) I wonder if Solomon had these kinds of situations in mind when he penned these words. Our hearts can be so easily influenced and misguided. This seems to be happening with your husband.
Second, you have attempted to set a boundary which he has ignored. This tells me three things: that he cares little about your feelings and needs---He ignores your concerns, moving selfishly in his own direction; that he is naïve about the dangers of this friendship; and finally, that you have not set a firm boundary.
We must all remember that a boundary without consequences is not a boundary. It is a hope and a wish. It is a desire and a request. It is not a boundary. I share much more about boundaries and appropriate actions in my book, When Pleasing Others is Hurting You. Please obtain and read this book!
Third, you seem to blame yourself for his dalliance. If you have indeed failed him in some regard in your marriage, keep this as a separate issue. Work on dealing with that problem together. You are not responsible for his irresponsible actions.
Finally, you two need counseling to work through your own issues of marital intimacy. Indeed, he may be acting out some pain he has experienced in the marriage. He needs to deal directly with you about that pain, and together you both need to work on creating a vibrant, emotionally healthy marriage. This cannot include another woman.
I’d like to hear from our other readers on this matter. Do you think online friendships with the opposite sex can be safe, and if so, under what conditions? What would you say to this woman about her husband’s friendship with the other woman?