Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Millions of people find themselves in the complex and often discouraging position. With aging parents on one side, and children on the other, it is easy to feel squeezed in the middle.
Not only are you squeezed by the demands and challenges of aging parents and children facing college and other costs, but you’re beginning to feel the changing demands of mid-life. You don’t have the energy you once had, and the bounce you once felt may be gone.
If you’re facing mid-life, it’s likely you’ve also felt some other issues, such as health challenges, financial setbacks, marriage difficulties or possibly even divorce. You’ve faced career changes, moves, as well as the loss of friendships. Perhaps even your spiritual life has changed in ways you didn’t anticipate.
With all of these challenges and changes, and few road maps on how to cope, it’s easy to feel lost in-between everything and everyone. It’s easy to lose your focus, your dreams and perhaps even your desires.
A middle-aged woman wrote to me recently experiencing significant distress at the excessive demands in her life.
Dear Dr. David. I am a forty-five year old woman who is in the middle of a crisis. It seems that I’ve spent the last five years coping with one loss after another, and it’s starting to get to me.
My father died suddenly five years ago from a heart attack, and then just a year later my mother began having more physical problems, demanding more of my attention. I experienced an unwanted divorce and haven’t coped well with being single. I’ve also had trouble coping with the demands of my teenage children, and then the financial concerns about them going to college. Sometimes it seems like life has lost all of its joys.
Another sad thing is that my spiritual life seems to have dried up. I don’t get the same pleasure out of attending church that I used to get when I was married and raising a young family. Is what I’m going through normal? How do I find time for me when my mother needs me, my teenagers need me, and my job is demanding? I’m wondering if I’m depressed, though I’ve never been a depressive type of person. What are your thoughts about regaining the zest I’ve lost in my life? I’m tired and wondering if this is all there is going to be to life.
There are many clues in this letter as to the problem this woman is facing, as well as some possibilities for answers.
Let’s review her situation.
First, she has many losses. Her father died unexpectedly, her mother became sick with increasing needs, and she experienced an unwanted divorce. She has struggled with being single and loneliness may be a real issue. These losses are serious and are enough to explain some of her challenges.
Second, she feels wedged between the demands of her mother and those of her children. She seems to have little time for herself and appears focused on work and meeting the needs of others. What does she do to take care of herself?
Finally, she has lost the vibrancy of her faith. We know that our spiritual faith is important for many reasons, one of which is to give us meaning and purpose in life. Without her faith, and the fellowship she once experienced, she really is floating alone in a sea of worries.
This woman echoes the sentiments of others I’ve talked to facing mid-life adjustments. Just when they’re ready to coast a bit, having nearly raised their children and achieved some level of financial stability, many are taken off guard with aging parents, demanding teenagers, unwanted divorces, job challenges, spiritual changes and perhaps even financial setbacks. Any one of these is enough to throw us off course, not to mention all of them at once.
Can this woman find joy again? Absolutely. Does she have to feel lost between the demands of others? No! What will it take for her to reclaim her life, and face it with the zest she once had? I have several ideas.
First, she must fully grieve her losses. This takes time and “grief-work,” where she fully appreciates and talks about the losses she has experienced. This is best done in a group with others sharing the same kinds of losses. The support she will receive from a Divorce Support Group, and perhaps Singles ministry, can be enormous.
She must remember, also, that grief takes time. The larger the loss, the longer the recovery time. She must not expect herself to bounce back quickly.
Second, she must take time for herself. In between the demands of her children and those of her mother, she must carve out time for herself. Are there others who can help meet the needs of her mother? Can she reach out for help from siblings? Taking time for herself is not a luxury, but a necessity. We all need special times and places to recharge our batteries.
Third, she can find ways to renew her spiritual faith. Many experience times of spiritual dryness in their lives, and actually experience changes in how they prefer to worship. Some move from being charismatic to being contemplative, while others move from being contemplative to being charismatic. Some explore and discover new ways to pray and experience the presence of God. Our spiritual faith is a journey, not a destination.
Fourth, she needs to go on a hunt for the missing “juice” in her life. Meeting the needs of others for years has left her dry.
But, there are still opportunities facing her if she will be open to them. There are possibilities for love again, perhaps travel, certainly new friendships. This is not a time to curl up and die, but reach out and thrive. It’s a time to take chances, risk adventure, seek possibilities.
Finally, she may need counseling. There are times in each of our lives when friends are not enough. The challenges are so great as to overwhelm our coping strategies. A psychologist or therapist can offer a fresh perspective, pointing out self-defeating patterns. She may need medication to assist her in rebounding.
Have you experienced times of “dryness” in your life? Have you felt squeezed between the demands of parents, children and others in your life, only to find yourself squeezed out? How did you solve the problem? We’d love to hear from you.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Do you remember the Whack-a-Mole game from the carnival? This is the game where you try to knock down the pop up “mole,” only to realize as soon as you’ve knocked one down, another pops up.
While entertaining at the Carnival, it’s no fun in marriage. It goes like this: You confront your spouse about something you don’t like, and they offer a round of excuses. Exasperated, you try various maneuvers to get them to take responsibility, but they are always able to stay one step ahead of you. You finally blow up, shut up or give up, as you build up a strong dose of resentment.
A couple I worked with recently sounded like this:
Woman: “Why did you spend more than we had in the checking account, giving us an overdraft?”
Man: “I didn’t know I was spending too much.”
Woman: “But, you were the one telling me yesterday that we didn’t have any money left to spend this week.”
Man: “Yes, but I thought we might have a few dollars left.”
Woman: “Did you check to see how much we had left?”
Man: “No, I didn’t have time to.”
Woman: “You didn’t have time to check in the checkbook?”
Man: “Well, I guess I had time, but forgot to look?”
Woman: “So you had time, but forgot to look?”
Man: “Yeah.”
Woman: “So, you know we’re being charged thirty-five dollars for the overdraft?”
Man: “I didn’t know that!”
Woman: “But, we talked about this two weeks ago when you did it.”
Man: “We were charged thirty-five dollars?”
And so it goes. Can you feel her blood pressure rising? Can you imagine having multiple conversations like this every day? Whether you call it the Whack-a-Mole Game or The Circle Game, it’s no fun. It’s a form of crazymaking that causes endless chaos in relationships.
What can you do to end The Whack-a-Mole Game in marriage.
First, stop the chaos by putting down the mallet. In other words, stop trying to “catch him/ her” at their game. You cannot make someone take responsibility. Either they will take responsibility, or they won’t.
Second, do hold them accountable. While you cannot make someone be responsible, you can tell them, in no uncertain terms, what you see, what you know and what you intend to do about their actions.
Third, do enforce consequences for actions. Much like how we deal with the irresponsible teenager, we act similarly with the irresponsible adult. Just as we avoid the Whack-a-Mole game with adolescents (they’ll always outlast us) and hold them accountable for their actions, we must do the same with adults.
How might we do this? In the above scenario we’d say the following:
Woman: “I received another overdraft notice today. As we agreed, you’re going to have to pay the penalty out of your share of extra money for the month.”
Man: “What? That’s not fair. I didn’t know there wasn’t money in the account.”
Woman: “You could have checked. Anyway, I’m not going to argue with you about it. I’m giving it to you to take care of.”
Man: “That’s really unfair. You’ve had overdrafts in the past, haven’t you?”
Woman: “This isn’t about me. We agreed that if this happened, you’d take care of it. I’d like you to take care of it.”
End of discussion.
Some may think this is a harsh way to handle this situation. I can tell you, however, it is much less harsh than playing Whack-a-Mole again and again. Nothing erodes the affection and trust in a marriage quicker than chronic irresponsibility. Dealt with efficiently and effectively, logical consequences with adults can be just as effective as with adolescents. Try it and let me know how it works.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Dear Dr. David,
My husband has been having an affair with another woman for two years now. He has promised to end things with her many times but I always end up finding out that they are back in contact. We have been to counseling, marriage conferences and have tried different reading materials to try to better our marriage and work out our issues. We never consistently stay focused on any one thing because of my husband’s lack of commitment to our marriage. I have filed for divorce and we are living separately. We still see each other and try to work on our marriage, whenever I am convinced that this time things are really over for him and his girlfriend.
We have two children who suffer from this mess and the thought of them not having a mother and father living together as a family kills me. My question to you is, when and how do we come to a decision on whether or not to end the marriage? When will I get to the point that I don't take him back again and again?
--Exhausted
Dear Exhausted,
I believe you are asking the wrong questions. The question isn’t whether or not to end the marriage, but whether or not to end the chaos. You keep making the same mistakes over and over again, and asking yourself if the marriage is worth the hassle.
Sadly, if you keep taking your husband back, when he repeatedly goes back to his girlfriend, you’re enabling his dysfunctional behavior. You’re likely to get hurt again and again, while the marriage becomes damaged a little more each time. You, he and your children stand to suffer in the long run.
There is no virtue in being a longsuffering wife. It’s time for you to stay focused and set firm boundaries with your husband. He must decide between you or the other woman, and assuming he chooses you, you’ll need a commitment from him to enter into counseling to explore the roots of your problems.
So, as hard as it is, you cannot keep taking him back. There is a stronger chance he’ll realize what he’s losing if you draw a firm line in the sand---and you’ll preserve your dignity as well.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Dear Dr. David, I met this guy who is separated from his wife and he filed for divorce. Should I date him while he is waiting for his divorce, or just leave him alone? I don't know how to go about this. He loves the Lord but is not as committed as I am. I work for my church and love being in the ministry. He says he loves me, but I don't know. - Confused in Love
Dear Confused,
Thank you for writing. Your concern is understandable given the many issues contained in your short note. Let’s consider them one by one.
First, your boyfriend is not yet divorced from his wife. Why should this matter? Because, there is still a chance he could be reconciled to his wife, and your involvement with him muddies the waters. His central concern needs to be considering whether or not his marriage can be saved, and if so, what he can do to bring about that restoration.
Second, assuming his marriage cannot be saved, he must do his griefwork. Since he is not yet divorced, I’m assuming he has not fully grieved the loss of his marriage. Most people need at least a year after their divorce before they can start thinking about a new relationship—some longer. As part of his grieving he needs to understand his part in the marriage failure, and make efforts to strengthen those weaknesses.
Third, there is the issue of the dreaded rebound relationship. Staying involved with this man makes you the rebound relationship, most of which are destined for failure. It is not that “rebound relationships” are not loving, and wonderful in their own way, but they rarely work, given the timing of them. Folks involved in rebound relationships shortly after the demise of a marriage often have very volatile emotions they bring into the new relationship. With confused thoughts and feelings, the new relationship begins on a very shaky foundation.
Finally, you’re not certain about how he feels about you. In addition to concerns already mentioned, you’re uncertain about his caring for you. This creates an even rockier footing for your relationship.
While I hate to throw cold water on a budding romance, I strongly encourage you to listen to your heart. You have doubts, leading to you writing your note. Read your note again and consider the concerns you’ve mentioned. Make some tough decisions now, leading to less heartache in the future.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
How many times have you been sick, gone to the doctor, and then refused to follow the doctor’s advice? Perhaps you followed part of their advice, taking some of the medicine, but stubbornly refused to strictly follow their advice. I am guilty and presume you are as well.
Not long ago I slipped and fell while trimming some hedges at our home. Having lacerated my leg in the fall, I went to the Emergency Room where the doctor cleaned my wound and placed fourteen stitches in my leg. He then said very clearly to me, “Stay off that leg for at least three days.”
While there was no confusion in his advice, I felt better in a day or two and began hobbling around. Not surprisingly, my leg began to throb and I was laid up for an additional two days.
You may recognize yourself in my foolish stubbornness. Since the beginning of time we have “done what was right in our own eyes,” though the end result is often devastating. (Judges 17: 6) As Solomon says, “There is a way which seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.” (Proverbs 14: 12)
Every day I receive countless emails from people suffering from discouragement because their relationships are chaotic, refusing to follow the most basic principles of relational and spiritual well-being. Because they do what seems right rather than follow Biblical principles, they fall into despair.
Listen to the story of a woman who wrote to me recently, complaining about her addicted and abusive husband.
Dear Dr. David. It is not by accident that I stumbled upon your website. I am a forty-five year old Christian who is currently in training to become a minister. I have been married for ten years and have been going through hell. I left my husband a year ago because he was severely addicted to drugs. He abused me on my wedding night and I left him two days after we were married. He convinced me to come back and the verbal and mental abuse has never stopped.
This time I allowed my husband to return to my house that I was sharing with my grown son. My son has been witnessing the abuse and has asked my husband to leave. My husband is devastated and can’t understand why he had to leave. He does not think he has done anything wrong. I have cried more than I have laughed in these last ten years. He despises the fact that I am going into the ministry. I don’t want to divorce him but I also realize that God will not bless my ministry if my personal life does not line up him my spiritual life. He has not been a good provider and he has a serious anger problem to the point where I have been tormented by him. I don’t know what else to do. Please help.
Thankfully, there is more you can do. In fact, you must do more if you are ever going to have a healthier life. But, let me caution you, and all of us who want real change in our lives: we must take action. We must stop doing those things that have led to trouble, and change directions. We must have, as the Apostle Paul said, “a godly sorrow that leads to repentance.” We must stop going in our disastrous direction and turn around.
What does this mean specifically for you? You mention at least three significant problems:
1. Drug abuse
2. Verbal and mental abuse
3. Irresponsibility as a provider
You cannot have a healthy marriage, let alone stable emotional and spiritual life, while living in chaos. Your husband complains about being asked to leave, suggesting he has done nothing wrong, and you enable his irresponsible behavior. He needs a serious wake-up call, where he will be ready to follow doctor’s orders.
What are the doctor’s orders?
First, he needs immediate intervention for his drug abuse. You cannot live a spiritually and emotionally vibrant life while drugs are on the throne of your life. Drug abuse is ravaging your husband’s life, and you must insist he seek help if he wants a marriage with you. He cannot mature emotionally or spiritually while being addicted to drugs.
Second, he must receive domestic violence counseling. No marriage can thrive under the threat of violence. Any relationship requires safety to exist, and your husband has patterns of abuse that need immediate attention. He must accept responsibility for his anger, and his destructive use of it. He must accept responsibility for the impact his violence has on you and others.
Third, your husband must become a responsible provider. While he appears threatened by your call into the ministry, he must decide to provide for his family. This is a calling spiritual leaders have upon their lives, and he is shirking his responsibility.
Finally, you need counseling to understand and heal from the impact his behavior has had on you. Not only are you a domestic violence victim but you have been a chronic enabler of his dysfunctional behavior. You must receive help to understand your role in your chaotic marriage, and ways you can step out of these patterns of behavior.
I address many of these issues in my book, When Trying to Change Him is Hurting You. I write about how we complain of dysfunction in our marriage while inadvertently enabling it. I encourage each of us to explore the ways we take half-measures, rather than follow the doctor’s orders to healing. Each of us is guilty of taking shortcuts, ignoring wise counsel and rigidly following patterns that have never worked. We fear stepping out and making changes. Yet, we must courageously take action, risk rocking the boat and prayerfully attending to the wisdom God has given us.
Do you notice patterns in your own behavior where you fear taking action you know to be right? How have you found the courage to change? We’d love to hear from you.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
It is always tempting to blame others for our distress. We can clearly see what we think others are doing to us, but have a much more difficult time seeing our role in the problem.
I receive dozens of emails every day from people complaining about their circumstances. People from every walk of life, with every problem imaginable. People suffering from marital infidelity, drug and alcohol abuse, gambling and sexual addiction, as well as emotional abuse in marriage.
What are you doing to actively change your problems? While it is good to pray about your problems, and to trust in God, it is also critical to apply the wisdom God offers to our situation.
Solomon says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight…..Preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight; they will be life to you.” (Proverbs 3: 5-6; 21)
This is powerful counsel. The Lord promises to give us wisdom and understanding in regards to our life direction. But, we must take action. Complaining about your situation will not help matters. Rehearsing all the wrongs that have been done to you only breeds resentment and acrimony. Seeing yourself as the helpless victim is not what God wants for you.
Taking responsibility for your part in troubling matters is empowering, however, is also very challenging. It is far easier to settle into playing the role of helpless victim. It takes tremendous courage to note how you enable a destructive process, and then using God’s wisdom, make changes
Notice the helplessness involved in the following email, and then consider what this person might do to actively change their circumstances.
Dear Dr. David. I am in a troubled marriage and don't want to throw in the towel and call it quits. We have been married for three years, with this being my second marriage and her fourth. Many people I know have told me to be done with her and divorce her. I was previously married for twenty-five years and left my wife for this woman. She has five children of her own. We have no children together. Since we have been married, she has had me locked-up in jail three times, on false charges. She has also ruined my credit, by opening accounts under my name. We still love each other and talk about fixing the wrongs that have occurred.
I feel as though, the enemy, (satan) is playing with both of our minds. Sometimes I suspect her of cheating, but she has denied it. She loves her children but sometimes it’s hard to tell. She herself came from an abusive household when she was younger. We are presently separated. I want to go back to her but I fear that maybe it will be the same as it was before. She is very independent and dominating. We have talked with our Pastor and he says that we are miserable without each other. She has lied to me several times and sometimes I don't know when she is telling me the truth.
Currently she is living in a home that I do not approve of. We owned a home but it went into foreclosure when she began to get sick and do illegal drugs. She denies having a drug problem and blames it on menopause and other physical problems. What can I do since I still love her? I have prayed/fasted and continue to pray. Thank you for taking the time to prayerfully answer my request and may God bless you.
Consider a few of his problems:
1. Multiple marriages
2. Unfaithfulness to first wife
3. Legal/ Criminal problems
4. Financial irresponsibility
5. Wife has history of abuse
6. Accuses wife of domination
7. Accuses wife of deception
8. Wife has history of drug abuse
Unfortunately, I don’t notice any taking of responsibility for problems in this email. While this man is clearly in distress, and is suffering under a mountain of problems, I don’t see where he is getting out his shovel to unbury himself.
We cannot simply pray for wisdom and then not take action. God expects us to face our problems, learn from them and deal with them. When we attempt to dodge our problems, blaming them on others (including Satan,) we don’t learn important lessons. In fact, blame allows us to remain the same and simply repeat problems.
Doing the same thing and expecting different results is one definition of insanity. In my book, Dealing With the CrazyMakers in Your Life, I discuss how blaming others for our problems is a primary way of avoiding responsibility for our own lives. This pattern of action, or inaction, must change for any health in their marriage.
The Apostle Paul advises us to “put to death whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.” (Colossians 3: 5) We are to be changed inwardly, becoming Christ-like in all ways. This inner transformation changes how we face problems and how we interact with others.
Rather than complain about external problems, our first course of action must be to make sure we have the right heart attitude. When our lives become chaotic, we must seek wisdom regarding how those problems entered our lives. Are we living a Godly life? Are we seeking, and applying the wisdom we receive? Rather than focusing on what others are doing, are we first inspecting our lives? When we realize that change begins with us, our external begins to change. God changes how we relate to others, to money, to laws. Our lives become more orderly and peaceful.
Is your life ever chaotic? If so, did you find it tempting to blame your problems on others? How were you able to shift to taking responsibility for the problems in your life? We’d love to hear from you.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
King David is a man to whom many of us can relate. Here was a man who had everything, and yet he wanted more. He wasn’t satisfied with being wealthy, having many beautiful wives and being blessed by God.
If you’re familiar with the story, you recall King David lusts after one of his loyal warrior’s wife, Bathsheba. In order to fulfill his desires, he sends Bathsheba’s husband, Uriah onto the front lines where he is killed.
But, the story doesn’t end there. The Lord sent Nathan, the prophet to talk to David, telling him a metaphorical story of a man who was greedy, taking from the poor. David “burned with anger against the man,” at which point Nathan turns to him and says, “You are the man!” (II Samuel 12: 5-7)
It has always been easy for us to see the speck in our brother’s eye, and not the log in our own. (Matthew 7: 1-5) We have a natural tendency to gossip, criticize, blame and judge others. Doing so stops us from growing and creates severe problems in our relationships. It takes maturity to look in the mirror and admit wrongdoing, and then, with God’s wisdom, correct the problem.
A recent letter was surprisingly candid, speaking for many who have been convicted by recent articles on CrazyMaking.
Dear Dr. David. I hate to admit it, but I have been a crazy maker. My wife and I have been married for twenty-five years, but I have been a challenge I know for at least the last ten years. I have not been physically abusive, but my sharp tongue has whipped my wife more times than I can remember. Finally, I had a breakdown at work and resigned my job. Now I find myself unemployed. It has caused a lot of self-evaluation , depression, and even panic attacks. I eagerly submitted to counseling and now my wife and I are finding a path of healing. I am ashamed of myself and only hope that we can restore the joy we had when we were younger. She is a great wife and I have been a good provider, but now, crisis has arrived on our doorstep and we are in a mess. Please pray for us that this event will result in long term healing both to our marriage and to my mind.
It has been said “We must have a breakdown before we can have a breakthrough.” I believe this to be true. Another way to think about it is that we have to come to the end of ourselves, making a mess of things, before we consider a new path. God, of course, is waiting for us to consider His plan and ways for our lives.
While this man is certainly guilty of wrongdoing, he is finally able to admit and accept the impact his behavior has had on his wife. He appears ready to deal with the consequences of his actions, and likely long-term impact of his abusive behavior. He has come to the end of himself. He is experiencing repentance—a change of heart: “For the sorrow which God gives is the cause of salvation through a change of heart, in which there is no reason for grief: but the sorrow of the world is a cause of death.” (II Corinthians 10: 7)
This man experienced a breakdown, leading to symptoms of depression and anxiety. While I don’t wish anyone to experience depression, or debilitating anxiety, sometimes it takes drastic consequences to see the error of our ways. As with King David, who suffered severe consequences for his actions, we too must face our wrongful actions if we are to grow, mature and become the people God wants us to be.
Does this man’s story hit close to home? Have you been feeling that you might be a CrazyMaker in some way in your marriage? In my book, Dealing with the CrazyMakers in Your Life I describe five different kinds of CrazyMakers: the Egotist, Aggressor, Borderline, Control Freak and the Sufferer.
To help you decide if you may be a CrazyMaker, answer these questions:
1. Do I like to talk about myself more than listen to others?
2. Do I consider myself to be more important than others?
3. Do I find pleasure in dominating others?
4. Am I coercive in trying to convince others that my way is the right way?
5. Do I overwhelm people with my moods?
6. Am I easily irritated?
7. Do I feel that others always get a better deal than I do?
8. Do I often feel mistreated by others?
9. Do the actions of others always fall short of meeting my expectations?
10. Am I filled with resentment?
11. Are others often upset with me?
12. Am I often upset with others?
These questions are a way to begin to ask yourself if you might be a CrazyMaker? If you have CrazyMaking tendencies, it is likely that others have tried to convey that truth to you, and you haven’t been listening. Perhaps you’ve had a Nathan try to speak truth into your life, and you’ve been unwilling to listen. Now is the time to listen and change, before you have a breakdown.
Please share your thoughts and feelings about this article. We want to hear from you.
Monday, May 05, 2008
“The truth shall set you free.” (John 8: 32) Jesus said these words, making a special note that the truth involved holding to his teachings.
In addition to the importance of living by the truth of the Gospel, we are much better off emotionally and relationally if we facing the truth. If we cling to a false reality we’ll be in serious trouble.
Scott Peck, in his book The Road Less Traveled, said we must be dedicated to the truth if we are going to solve life’s problems. “The more clearly we see the reality of the world, the better equipped we are to deal with the world.”
In spite of its universal endorsement, we are surrounded by truth-twisters. What do I mean by truth twisting? Truth twisting is the fine art of putting a spin on things so you come out looking like the hero. Instead of fully acknowledging wrongdoing, truth twisters rationalize, justify, make excuses and generally wiggle their way out of taking full responsibility for their behavior.
Of all the relational problems that come into my consulting room, 99% deal with some form of truth twisting. Subsequently, healing always involves facing truths we’d rather not face, acknowledging problems we’d rather not see, accepting responsibility we’d rather not accept.
Consider this recent email.
Dear Dr. David.
I am nearly at my wit’s end. I’ve only been married for six months and already I feel like I’m going crazy. I have to say that I saw some of the warning signs while I was dating my husband. He tends to think his way is the right way. He is intolerant of others and has a temper problem. He puts me down when he thinks something I said was stupid. He is intolerant of me and others.
My husband can also be very loving, and I’m not sure what to do about this problem. Of course I’ve already approached him with his tendency to put me down, and he denies having any problems. Anytime I point out his wrong he makes excuses. He never, and I mean never, apologizes. It’s always someone else’s fault. His ego is so huge, I’m wondering if I’ve made a big mistake. Do these kinds of people ever change? What can I do to help him change?
This woman is struggling with a truth twister. I talk about this issue in depth in my book, Dealing with the CrazyMakers in Your Life. Truth twisters make us feel crazy because we’re always wondering if the problem lies with them or us.
You can see in this woman’s note that her husband doesn’t want to face the truth of his actions. This is called denial, and denial can be a major hurdle for someone who is defensive and doesn’t see their part in the problem.
Generally speaking, someone with a serious character problem doesn’t take responsibility for their action, and in its most severe form, runs afoul of the law because of their disregard for others’ feelings. Regardless, truth twisters create chaos in relationship.
Let’s consider some practical tools for dealing with truth twisters.
First, acknowledge the severity of the situation. In other words, you must face the truth of your situation. Facing the truth of the severity of the problem is your beginning point for change. Step back, reflect, pray and use wisdom in deciding the severity of the situation. This is your starting point.
Second, refuse to get caught in a power struggle in trying to force to tell the truth. You’ll usually only feel crazier after a tussle with a truth twister. Don’t try to pin them down, because they’ll wiggle out. Don’t corner them, because they’ll come out swinging.
Third, do hold your truth twister accountable. Make clear statements about the truth of the situation, what you see, think and want. Be firm with him, indicating that you’re not going to argue, nor will you simply let him slide out of taking responsibility.
You might make the following statements:
• “I hear your excuse but don’t accept it. I don’t want to listen to any more. Let me know when you’re ready to be completely honest with me.”
• “Please don’t continue explaining your actions to me. What I need to hear is that you’re sorry and that it won’t happen again.”
• “I’m unhappy that you’re late again. I want you to keep your agreement to be home every night for dinner.”
• “I’m angry that you didn’t tell me the complete truth about the situation. I expect you to tell me the complete truth from now on.”
Fourth, be prepared for resistance. No one wants to be held accountable. Most want wiggle room; we seek opportunities to twist the truth so we don’t have to feel guilt over our actions.
Fifth, be consistent and don’t expect overnight changes. It is critical that you hold your husband accountable, again and again. Over time you will determine if he is capable of character change. It is important that you not enable irresponsible, truth twisting behavior.
Furthermore, help your husband make these difficult changes. Encourage him to attend church with you, praying for a change of his heart. God is the ultimate source of true character change.
Finally, understand that some people choose not to change. While I’d love to tell you everything is going to be fine, some people simply are too defensive, have too prideful, and feel too little conviction to change. In that event, you may need to turn up the heat, being ready to set firmer boundaries and take more decisive action. It may take firmer consequences for him to decide that he cannot continue to twist the truth, and must begin taking responsibility for his actions.
Please share your thoughts about this woman’s situation. Have you been in similar circumstances? What counsel would you give her?
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
We have been created as emotional beings. A reading of Scripture reveals that each story, every character, becomes compelling in part because of the human, emotional nature.
We can relate to King David’s sadness at the death of his son. We hold our breath in anxious anticipation as Queen Esther approaches King Xerxes, asking for the freedom of her Jewish people. We understand Jesus’ righteous indignation at the money sellers in the temple.
Yet, there are many occasions where a little emotion becomes destructive, ruining our emotional health as well as our marital health. Too much of almost any emotion is likely to cause some level of destruction.
Consider this recent letter I received from a man who regrets the impact his anger has had on his relationship.
Dear Dr. David. A short time ago my fiancée broke up with me, saying that she was tired off my disrespect for her and anger issues. I admit that the smallest things set me off. I have had temper problems my entire life and I’m finally sick of it. I hope I’m not too late.
When my fiancée does something that bugs me, something I don’t think she should do, I lose my patience. Sometimes I say something hurtful, but most of the time I just give her a dirty look, which she says is just as hurtful.
Recently I’ve begun going to counseling to get at the root of my problems. I’ve learned that I was raised by a controlling father, and I still have issues with that. I want to control everything, and of course that makes my fiancée feel bad.
This crisis has caused me to reexamine my life. My fiancée no longer wants to see me and I’ve been praying asking God if I should just give up or keep fighting for our relationship. She says she no longer loves me and doesn’t want to see me. Should I keep fighting for this relationship or do you think it’s time to give up. Thanks.
I am certainly sorry that your relationship has been hurt by your anger, but in a way, this appears to be a wakeup call for you. Your fiancée must be applauded for making a difficult decision, one that will help both of you in the long run. She has stopped enabling your destructive behavior, and now you both have an opportunity to change.
You ask what you can do now. Here are a few ideas.
First, you must meet your fiancée at her point of need. In other words, what does she really need at this time? If she is hurt by your recent outburst and wants to be left alone, that is the best thing to do. If she wants you to enter into Anger Management before she will see you again, that is what you must do. If she distrusts you and wants to be away from you for a time, leave her alone.
Second, this is an opportunity for you to think about others before yourself. While you hurt and want to be with her, you must consider her feelings above your own. You’ve caused damage and must think of how to repair that damage. A little anger goes a long way to create a toxic relationship. While your feelings propel you to want to talk to her, to try to make things “right,” this is selfish and will probably be perceived that way by her. Consider what she needs and give it to her. Show that you fully understand the damage you have caused.
Third, continue getting help for your anger. As you say, you’ve been helped by the counsel you’re receiving, so continue with it. However, you need to look deeper into yourself, exploring even more issues. For example, beneath your anger is there an attitude of selfishness? You say that you can be controlling. Do you have an attitude that “my way is the right way?”
Has your fiancée felt smothered by your “right and wrong” thinking?
One of my books, Are You Really Ready for Love? will be particularly helpful to your situation. Consider reading it and preparing yourself emotionally and spiritually for a love relationship.
Fourth, you must develop a healthy way of expressing anger, whether or not your fiancée wants to see you again. The Scriptures don’t tell us not to ever feel anger, but to “be angry and sin not.” (Ephesians 4: 26) The Apostle James instructs us to “be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.” (James 1: 19) Did you fiancée feel you spent time understanding her and meeting her needs?
Finally, pray for wisdom. In time you will know whether your fiancée wants to try again, or whether the relationship has been completely severed. Give her space and perhaps check in with her in several weeks. Don’t push your agenda, but rather listen carefully to what she wants. It is quite possible that, as she sees changes in you, she may re-experience the love she once had for you.
It is very difficult, when emotions are in a state of uproar because of a crisis, to think clearly. If you are experiencing an emotional crisis because of relational difficulties, remember to go slowly, pray often and allow the truth of the matter to emerge. With careful prayer and consideration, God will reveal your best course of action.
Please offer your suggestions for this man. What impact do you think his anger has had on his fiancée? Should he wait or move forward with his life? Let us hear from you.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
God created sex. As the author of sex, I have no doubt He intended it for our pleasure as well as for procreation.
In spite of obvious pleasures, it is surprising how many couples have all but abandoned their sexual relationship. For this reason I think it’s time to check the sexual pulse of our readers.
My interest in this topic comes after receiving numerous inquiries regarding “what is normal” in a married relationship when it comes to sexuality. Many inquiries ask why their sexual relationship has dwindled and all but disappeared after beginning with such vigor.
I have no intention of making this article X rated, or for there to contain any explicit information. Rather, I want to ask some difficult questions. I want us to address a rampant problem which needs to be talked about.
Consider this recent letter I received on the subject.
Dear Dr. David. I have been married to my husband for fifteen years and we have three children. When we were first married my husband and I enjoyed a very active sexual relationship. We seemed perfectly suited for each other, enjoyed the same pleasures, and respected each other’s boundaries.
Over the past five years my husband has shown a decreased interest in sexual activity. We commonly go for months with neither of us showing sexual interest in the other. When I try to talk to him about it, he makes lots of excuses. He promises that things will improve, but they never do.
I’ve grown increasingly suspicious. I can’t help but wonder if he’s having an affair. He promises me that he isn’t, but what else am I supposed to think. He shows no interest in me, even though I’ve kept myself attractive. What is the problem? Is it something I’m doing, or is it common for men to lose interest as they approach mid-life? I’ve begun doubting him, doubting myself, and am at my wit’s end. Please help.
Your questions are good ones. Many wives, and husbands, wonder what has happened to their sex life. Let’s consider a few possibilities, and then I want to open this topic up to others to comment on their experiences.
Yes, it is common for sexual energy to wane a bit with increased years, but your concerns certainly raise red flags. It is a myth to believe that simply because you’re approaching mid-life, your sex life has to suffer. The research suggests this isn’t true.
You are experiencing a significant problem and you must begin by obtaining an accurate diagnosis. As with any problem, an accurate diagnosis leads to an effective solution.
When experiencing sexual problems, here are a few questions every couple should explore:
1. Have you ruled out physiological problems?
2. Have you talked to a physician together about your issues?
3. How is the emotional aspect of your marriage?
4. How exciting is your relationship?
5. Have you built adventure and surprise into your marriage?
6. Is your relationship free from excessive tension and conflict?
7. Are you and your mate best friends?
8. Do you talk about your sexual relationship, always endeavoring to keep it new and exciting?
9. Have you created healthy boundaries so that the possibility of an affair is minimized?
10. How is your spiritual relationship, and have you invited God into this aspect of your marriage?
Your answer to these questions will help with an accurate diagnosis.
Having determined whether your waning sexual relationship stems from physiological or emotional problems, address the cause and commit to a solution. Insist that your husband join you in seeking an accurate diagnosis, and then move forward with a solution.
If the problem is physiological, there are solutions. A specialist can assist in finding the right medication or remedy to assist with the problem. While the solution may take creative exploration, solutions are available.
The vast majority of sexual problems stem from problems in the marriage relationship. Excessive tensions, busyness, unresolved conflict, anger and other relational problems create distance. Distance is incompatible with intimacy—especially sexual intimacy. Agree together to fix the problems that lead to this distance.
Finally, studies show that the more robust sexual relationships occur where both partners commit to keeping their relationship filled with surprise, tenderness and adventure. There isn’t room in the dynamic bedroom for boredom—a chief culprit in a dying sexual relationship.
Let me know your thoughts about this rampant problem. What has helped your sexual relationship? What has hurt your sexual relationship?