A recent Marriage Intensive began typically—filled with hope, optimism, and encouragement. A 40-year old couple had flown into Seattle from New York to work with me, both excited and apparently ready to grow. Having had several failed counseling experiences in their hometown, they were desperate for a positive experience, as they worked to end their cycle of fighting, distance, and disconnection.
“We’re both ready for you to point out what we’re doing wrong,” Danielle said. “What we’re doing isn’t working, so we want you to show us how to have a healthier relationship.”
Her husband Kevin, nodded his head.
“What we’re doing isn’t working, and we’re both committed Christians,” he said calmly. “We’re both ready for you to help us in whatever way is needed. We’re tired of fighting about the same things again and again. We’re open and willing for you to show us what’s wrong.”
“That’s what I need,” I explained. “You know what they say about doing the same thing and expecting different results.”
“Insanity!” they both said, smiling.
“Yup,” I said. “So, you want me to point out what you’re doing that’s not working. If I tell you everything is fine, you’re going to be disappointed, because you know everything isn’t fine.”
Kevin and Danielle grabbed each other’s hand, anxious to get the Marriage Intensive going.
Even though this couple had traveled far to discover what they were doing wrong, I knew something they hadn’t fully embraced: as much as we want to change and grow, we often resist it. Though we know what we’re doing isn’t working, we rarely want to give up our old behaviors. I’d soon know if they were as open and willing as they suggested.
Having finished the preliminaries, I launched into our work. It didn’t take long, however, to discover the biggest killer to growth—defensiveness.
“Who wants to start sharing about what has brought you here?” I asked.
Both looked awkwardly at each other.
“Go ahead,” Kevin said kindly to Danielle.
The first several minutes of our work went smoothly. I found them to be exactly as they said they would be—open and willing. However, after minutes into our initial honeymoon, things suddenly changed.
“One of the things I want to work on,” Danielle began, “is Kevin sharing more intimately with me.”
“Do you know what she means?” I asked Kevin.
“Nope,” he said bluntly. “She complains about it again and again, and it just turns me off.”
“What do you mean it turns you off?” I asked. “It seems like you might want to know exactly what she is asking for.”
“I’ve tried to ask her and don’t get anywhere,” he said defensively. “So, I’ve decided to just let it be her issue.”
Danielle became noticeably angry, shrugging her shoulders and turning away from him.
“This is exactly what happens at home,” Danielle said sharply. “I have told him what I mean, but he shuts me out.”
“I’m not sure what she’s asking for either Kevin,” I said, “but it seems like you might want to ‘lean in’ and pursue her. Find out what she is asking for.”
He didn’t seem impressed by my encouragement, but gave a half-effort.
“So,” he said reluctantly, “what do you mean by being more intimate with you.”
“I want you to share more of your feelings with me,” Danielle said. “I want you to care about what I’m feeling, asking about my day. I feel really disconnected from you.”
Kevin shrugged again, looking over at me.
“This is where I get stuck,” he said. “I do share my feelings, and I do ask about her day. I don’t think there is anything I can do to please her. I’ll never satisfy her. Impossible.”
“You call this wanting to learn more about my feelings?” Danielle snapped.
Kevin and Danielle slid into a tailspin. Danielle became increasingly irritated as Kevin became more defensive. An opportunity for growth vanished. Why? I shared the following thoughts with them.
1. We often feel defensive when feeling threatened. Kevin seemed to feel powerless to meet his wife’s needs, and responded with defensiveness. Notice his exaggerated reactions, stating he felt unable to do anything to please her. I had to encourage Kevin to take a breath, calm down, and put his defensiveness aside.
2. Rather than explore what else he might do to meet her needs, he shut down. He could have asked what else specifically he could do to meet her need for intimacy. Instead, he reacted defensively. Not only did he not learn more useful information, but his reaction closed off communication.
3. Defensiveness often promotes the very behavior you’re trying to avoid. Kevin had been asked for more intimacy; his defensiveness blocked communication, created distance, and further animosity. His reaction added insult to injury.
4. Defensiveness is often fueled by pride. Growth occurs with an attitude of humility, not defensiveness and pride. Rather than believing we have nothing to learn or cannot possibly do better, we need to be spurred on to growth.
I looked carefully at Kevin, encouraging him to step back, slow down, and try again to really listen to his wife. I reminded both of them of the Scripture that encourages us, “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” (Hebrews 10: 24-25)
How open are you to feedback from your mate? Though it might be hard to hear, are you willing to receive critical feedback, especially in areas needing growth? Are you willing to see your mate as an instrument of God’s work in your life?
Growth is never easy, but is a necessary part of marriage.
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Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at therelationshipdoctor@gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my Web site, www.marriagerecoverycenter.com and yourrelationshipdoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate, and affair-proofing your marriage.