A young man named Darin came to see me recently, having been referred to me for counseling by his pastor and his wife. While Darin wasn’t all that excited to be in counseling, admitting to feeling apprehensive, he also indicated he was glad for the opportunity to talk about himself.
“I’m not sure what I think of counseling,” he said cautiously, “but I know there have got to be better ways to express myself.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I get so frustrated with Lisa. At times, my wife makes me want to scream or run for the hills.”
“Yes,” I said, gesturing for him to share more.
“She always seems to be upset about something,” Darin said. “I never know what I’m going to walk into. One week she seems fine, and the next she’s ready to divorce me.”
“Her moods are that radical?” I asked.
“Sure seems like it to me,” he said. “I’m a pretty mellow guy unless I’m with someone like Lisa whose moods are bouncing off the wall.”
“And there’s nothing you’ve done to provoke her moods?” I asked.
“Well,” he said smiling, “I didn’t exactly say that.”
“So her moods may be a response to something going on in the relationship?”
“I guess you could say that,” Darin said. “But, I’m never certain what that is.”
“So, I’m curious as to how you respond to what you call ‘her moods.’”
“I’ve never really thought about that,” he said. “Lisa says I have two ways of responding to things--blowing up and shutting up. I guess I have a temper and can withdraw, and that’s why she wants me to learn a new method of responding. I don’t know of any other way though.”
“You’re in good company, Darin,” I said. “Men often respond to stress in their marriage by either getting angry or retreating to their ‘man caves.’ Do you have a ‘man cave'?”
“Oh yeah,” he said brightly. “When Lisa is in one of her moods, I head for the family room, grab the remote, and flip on the big screen TV, and wait for her to settle down.”
“Or you get angry?” I asked.
“Yup. I’ve been known to get into it with her. If she wants to fight, I’ll fight. I’d rather settle into my easy chair though and wait for the dust to settle.”
“Fight or flight!” I said. “Most of us know how to do both. We can go to the courtroom and make our case, or we know how to stomp out and leave our mate standing there.”
“Yeah,” he said slowly. “That sounds like me.”
Darin reminded me of an email I received recently on the same topic:
Dear Dr. David,
My husband doesn’t seem to be able to sit and discuss challenging issues with me. When things get tense, he either gets really angry or he stomps out of the room, leaving me standing there. He isn’t able to just talk about things. I hate it when he gets really angry, but hate it just as much when he jumps up and leaves the room without finishing the topic. Why can’t he just manage his temper and talk something through with me? Does he realize how frustrating it is to be left alone with my feelings with the issue still unresolved? Is there anything I can do to help him sit with my feelings?
I’m sure many can relate to this woman’s story. There are also undoubtedly some men who know what it feels like to have a woman who either blows up or shuts up. It takes special skill and experience to discover we are not stuck with only “fight or flight”—there is a third option called going with the flow.
What does this look like and how can we practice it? Consider these possibilities:
First, be aware of the temptation to fight or take flight. You may have practiced these two responses for years, and they may actually be your default response. Developing a new response—flow—will take conscientious practice. Change is always challenging, so be ready to have to practice a new response.
Second, going with the flow requires sitting still in the midst of the storm. While you may want to defend yourself (fight), bolt out of the room (flee) or you can sit still and actively listen to your mate (flow). You don’t have to defend yourself, and don’t have to even own what she or he is saying. Tell yourself this is their immediate position and not necessarily the whole picture.
Third, going with the flow means creating a safe place for their feelings to land. Imagine creating a basket in front of you where their feelings land. You are holding the basket, and their feelings land there. Once they have expressed their truth, (not THE truth!) you check in with them to see if you understand their point of view. Assuming you do, let their feelings simply sit there. Do nothing with them. Just sit there, beginning to toss them around in your mind, exploring the possibilities in what they are saying.
Fourth, going with the flow often means being uncomfortable. While you might prefer to be in your man-cave or blowing up because you don’t like what they’re saying, being with their feelings -- another way of going with the flow -- means sitting with the discomfort of the moment. This moment may last a while, so you’ll have to develop the ability to sit with discomfort. Being with their feelings means not reaching for anything that will anesthetize your discomfort. Just sit there.
Finally, being in “flow” may take time. As much as you might want to solve problems NOW, you may have to sit quietly with lack of resolution. You may have to agree with your mate to live with some loose ends. Issues may not get solved in this place and time. You may have to put the issue away, to be taken up again in a day or two.
Remember there is a third choice for those who have lived in fight or flight, and it’s called flow. Sit back, become more observant, taking conflict a little less seriously, and see what happens. You’ll think clearer, be less reactive, and make better choices in your responses.
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Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at therelationshipdoctor@gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my Web site, www.marriagerecoverycenter.com and yourrelationshipdoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate, and affair-proofing your marriage.