“We’ve got to learn to fight fair,” a young woman said to me recently. Sitting across from her husband of five years, Laurie complained that her husband, Zach and she didn’t know how to fight in a healthy way.
“What do you mean by ‘fighting fair,’” I asked.
“Well, you know,” she insisted. “We’ve got to learn how to have healthy arguments.”
Zach looked on, nodding his head in agreement. He then jumped in.
“We know you have to fight to clear the air, but it’s no fun.”
“Why do you have to fight to clear the air?” I asked. “And what do you both mean by ‘healthy arguments?’”
Both seemed surprised by my questions.
“You know,” Laurie said again. “Learning how to fight fair instead of yelling at each other. We get mean at times, and that’s not healthy for us or for our kids to see.”
I looked at Laurie and Zach and shared an important truth about fighting.
“You know, the idea of ‘fighting fair’ is not really a good practice. It sounds good, but the idea isn’t scriptural. Scripture encourage us to speak kindly to one another—to always speak the truth in love. We are to cooperate with one another, not battle and get into power struggles.”
“But, that’s impossible,” Laurie said. “Every couple has to fight sometime.”
“Do they?” I asked. “I’m not sure about that.”
Laurie and Zach struggle to get along, and they are in good company. Nearly every couple I work with—and I specialize in couples counseling—struggle with getting along. As the Apostle James says: “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but you don’t get it.” (James 4: 1-2)
The Apostle James is clear; we are not to be fighting and quarreling. We are not to be stuck in trying to get what we want, coercing others into submitting to our point of view or will. Yet, fighting fair seems to be built upon the premise that we will fight; we just must follow some rules for how to fight fairly. But “fighting” and being “fair” about it are generally mutually exclusive.
A recent email shares the agony that comes from fighting.
Dear Dr. David,
I am sick to death of fighting with my husband. We are both Christians, but you wouldn’t know it if you saw what happens behind the closed doors of our home. When things are going well, we really love each other. But, when we don’t get along, we fight like cats and dogs. We each try to talk the other into our point of view, and even resort to calling names at times. We’re always sorry later, but at the time we lose our tempers and say things we don’t really mean. We need to learn how to fight fair, but I’m not sure where to start.
-- Tired of Fighting
This email illustrates the point I want to make—"fighting fair" is not the answer we all believe it might be. While I certainly believe in being fair, I don’t think fighting is healthy. What would happen if we approached conflict from a different point of view?
First, we are to have a humble attitude. The Apostle Paul challenges us: “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.” (Romans 12:3) We are not simply to act humbly once in a while, but are challenged to “clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.” (Colossians 3:12) Nothing is said here about "fighting fair."
Second, we are to practice putting other’s needs before our own. Not only are we not encouraged to "fight fair," but we are to consider other’s needs ahead of our own. We are not to fight and battle with each other to win. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition and vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3-4) How often do you focus on listening carefully to what your mate needs?
Third, seek to cooperate rather than dominate. Instead of trying to "win" or even "‘fight fair,’ seek what is best for your mate. Listen to them, seeking to build them up. Meet them at their point of need and watch them flourish. Pay attention to the matters that concern them, and seek to help them in any way you can. In return, you will be loved and appreciated. Love is never selfish and never fails. (I Corinthians 13)
Finally, we can only accomplish this by the power of the Spirit. Our egos want to rule, fight, battle,and conquer. When we add a bit of emotional TNT to the scenario, our egos become even more unruly. When we allow the Holy Spirit to tame our emotions and desires, we stop trying to win and instead seek to cooperate. That is real strength! “I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.” (Ephesians 3:16-17)
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Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at therelationshipdoctor@gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my Web site, www.marriagerecoverycenter.com and yourrelationshipdoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate, and affair-proofing your marriage.