“She doesn’t see anything she’s done to cause this divorce,” a middle-aged man complained to me recently. “She can’t see how her leaving caused everything to go wrong in our marriage.”
Clearly angry and hurt over his wife’s recent request for a separation, Darin was caught up in his own pain and seemingly oblivious to what he had done to contribute to their marital problems. He sat in front of me now hoping I could perform a miracle in their marriage.
“Why did she leave?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” he said. “Karen hasn’t been happy in our marriage for a long time. But, I can’t figure her out. Mid-life crisis, I guess.”
“Sounds like a lot more than a mid-life crisis,” I said. “You said she’s been unhappy for a long time.”
“Yeah,” Darin said slowly, considering my words. “But, she’s never told me exactly what she wants me to do differently. How am I supposed to know what she wants?”
“Well, you’re not supposed to read her mind,” I said. “However, you are supposed to listen carefully to her. I wonder if your wife has told you many times, in many different ways, what she needs, and you haven’t really been listening?”
Darin winced at my words. I watched in silence as he considered the possibility.
“She says she’s told me, but I don’t really think she has,” Darin said softly.
Darin was in genuine pain. His marriage of 25 years seemed to be slipping out of his grasp. A long-term marriage, three grown children, a lovely home, and a pile of dreams for his later years were all drifting away. This was all because his wife was unhappy, and he didn’t see the warning signs.
I never met Karen. She wouldn’t come in because, in her words, she was finished. She was exhausted from:
- Trying to make her husband be sensitive to her needs;
- Trying to make him listen to her;
- Trying to create adventure and excitement in their marriage;
- Trying to make him participate fully in parenting their children;
- Trying to make him stop getting angry;
- Trying to make him participate in her church and faith life.
Simply put, Karen was tired. She had lost hope that Darin would change. She had lost hope that he would become interested in her life. She wanted someone who would not only care about her life, but would champion her desires and goals. She didn’t want to beg him to read the books on improving their communication. She wanted him to seek out those books on his own and take initiative to change.
“I’m going to sit back and watch,” Karen said to me. “I’m not coming to counseling unless I see a real change in him. I’m not sure I have anything left in me to give.”
I gave Darin the bad news about Karen’s decision not to come to counseling. Initially annoyed and angry, I encouraged him not to take a victim stance, but to take initiative now to reinvent himself. There would be no guarantee that she would come back to him, but she had offered a glimmer of hope when she said she would “wait and see.” The rest would be up to Darin.
We agreed to take things one step at a time in counseling. While he couldn’t make Karen come back to him, he could increase his chances by considering what she had been trying to tell him for years. We agreed to:
First, consider what Karen had been trying to say for years. I asked Darin to keep a journal and recall everything she had been saying. He recalled the times she had angrily stated she wanted more affection, as well as, times when she withdrew in frustration from having to do more than her share of work around the house. Slowly, he created a list of issues that became the road map for our work. Journaling caused Darin to "tune in" to Karen in new ways.
Second, remember why Karen fell in love with him. Darin made out a list of those positive traits that initially drew Karen to him, such as being adventurous and daring, and to redevelop those traits. He would have to cultivate being a caring, attentive man, with very limited opportunities to show those changes due to their separation. Still, character change in us is revealed over time, I assured him.
Third, focus on himself. While it was tempting to become angry and bitter about Karen leaving him, we focused on using this crisis as an opportunity for growth. I reminded Darin that Karen would be watching for long-lasting, depth change—not short-term, cosmetic changes. Darin would come to understand the virtue of patience during this crisis.
Fourth, pray for Karen. We agreed that Darin would not simply pray for Karen to come back to him—which was his selfish request—but that she find healing for the wounds she suffered in their marriage. Darin would need to practice “letting go, and letting God.”
Fifth, apologize and make amends. Because of their separation Darin had limited opportunities to show he was sorry for neglecting his wife. Yet, in small ways—a card here and there—he was able to convey he was sorry and was determined to become a better man. He became sensitive to Karen, even through their distance, in allowing her the space she needed to consider her choices.
Finally, trust in God’s sovereignty. For as much as I wanted to give Darin positive feedback, he had to face the fact that Karen might not come back to him. Tempted to see God as a genie in a bottle, I reminded him that God promised never to leave him—not necessarily to answer every prayer just the way he wanted. There might be painful consequences to his actions, but surely God would make “all things work together for good.” (Romans 8: 28)
Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at therelationshipdoctor@gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my Web site, www.marriagerecoverycenter.com and yourrelationshipdoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate, and affair-proofing your marriage.