Imagine the following scene:
You purchase a gizmo from your local hardware store. Soon after arriving home you anxiously tear open the package, hook the gizmo up, only to find your gizmo is doesn’t work. You mutter under your breath and stomp back out to your car to return the apparently broken gizmo.
Duly irritated, you march up to the return counter and complain that the gizmo doesn’t work.
“Are you sure it won’t work?” the clerk asks.
“What kind of question is that?” you retort. “Of course I’m sure it won’t work. I want it replaced.”
“Did you read the directions?” the clerk continues. “People are always bringing gizmos back when they haven’t read the instructions.”
And so it goes. Two brain stems arguing with each other.
Now imagine an entirely different scenario:
You purchase a gizmo from your local hardware store. You get it home only to find out it doesn’t work. You storm back to the store and insist on a replacement, muttering something about stores selling faulty merchandise.
“This gizmo doesn’t work,” you say sharply.
You stand there, hands on hips, waiting for the clerk’s response.
“That’s no good,” the clerk says. “We don’t want anyone unhappy. Let me help make sure you get a gizmo that works perfectly.”
Your anger magically subsides. In fact, you forget about your frustration and ask the clerk about his day, his family, compliment him on his tie. You feel like you’ve met a friend.
Okay, perhaps asking about the clerk’s family is a bit over the top, but the principle is the same: angry confrontations don’t work. A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15: 1)
This issue was illustrated to me in a recent email:
Dear Dr. David. My husband and I fight—a lot. It doesn’t seem to matter what we talk about. We always end up arguing. He usually attacks me for the way I take care of the house. I know I don’t like the way he disciplines our children. We seem to have lost respect for each other and I’m not sure we can ever get it back. I don’t respect him, and frankly I’m starting not to like him anymore. I don’t know if he loves me anymore. What can we do to start treating each other with respect and care?
Clearly this woman and her husband are two arguing brain stems. Like the first scenario in my story, when two angry people make contact, the result is rarely pretty.
Thankfully, our relationships don’t need to be driven by our brain stems. Put another way, we can think through how we want to respond to confrontation. In fact, with a little forethought we can manage how someone talks to us after we have been confronted.
There are three strategies that must be mastered:
First, manage your anger. Again, two brain stems aren’t going to accomplish much, except to have a heated argument and treat each other with disrespect. No one wants to go nose to nose with someone, especially if that other person is your mate. It is your responsibility to keep your cool—even if your mate doesn’t!
Two, eliminate defensiveness. Use a time out, deep breathing, silent prayer or imagine spraying Teflon on yourself you are shielded from angry assaults and you are able to listen to your mate’s concerns. Their confrontation is about them, not you. This is their concern, and you must “be with” their frustrations. Defensiveness signals an unwillingness to listen to, and be with, their concerns.
Third, empathize with your mate, seeking solutions. Let them know, much like the clerk in the store, that you don’t want them to be upset. You care about their concerns and can agree, at least in part, with their concerns. Even if you cannot agree with everything they say, find a “kernel of truth” in what they’re saying. Show interest and commit yourself to rectifying the problem. Watch as the confrontation is defused.
Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage.