“It takes two to Tango.”
Certainly we understand that it takes two people to create a dance—even a dysfunctional one. We know we’re not saints, and when pressed we’ll probably admit we’re all sinners. Unfortunately, we sometimes forget we’re all human and play a role in our problems.
It has always been uncomfortable to admit to shortcomings. Rarely do we like our faults pointed out to us. Few feel strong or secure enough to allow someone to speak truth into their lives. It is far easier, and much more comfortable, to sit with the mistaken belief that we are somehow on the higher moral road, and our mate is on the lower one. Sadly, this mistake keeps us stuck, both relationally and as individuals.
When in the midst of marriage problems, have you or your spouse ever thought:
• “It’s all her fault.”
• “His faults are greater than mine.”
• “I wouldn’t be like this if it weren’t for him/ her.”
• “I’m right!”
• “He’s wrong.”
• “Everything would be fine if it wasn’t for her.”
This list could go on and on. You could list many other myths most of us believe and embrace in an effort to protect our overly inflated view of ourselves. These narrow, reductionistic attitudes, however, are not only destructive but immature and false. Read the following email watching for narrow, rigid and faulty beliefs.
Dear Dr. David. I am so angry with my husband. I’ve been unhappy in my marriage for many years, and often think about divorce. I don’t like my husband’s arrogance and the way he treats me. He talks down to me and then I withdraw. He hates that I withdraw from him, but what can he expect. I don’t like how he treats our children. I don’t like that he won’t sit down and read Scripture with me, and only rarely goes to church with me. He works too much and spends too little time with me. He spends money we don’t have. I’ve grown so angry with him that I don’t like being around him much of the time. He notices my distance, but seems to do little to win me back to him. I’m not sure what else to do.
--Stuck in Anger
Dear Stuck,
While I certainly don’t want to reinforce unhealthy behavior in your husband, I’m struck by your lack of comment about your own behavior. While your husband certainly must be held accountable for his actions, I’m uncertain as to whether or not you recognize your own anger and perhaps even bitterness. Assuming you are bitter, are you aware of how your bitterness comes out toward him? Have you created a space welcoming him to win you back? There are a number of action steps for you to take.
First, be careful about developing a victim/ villain mentality. It is quite unlikely that he is the entire problem. Black and white thinking is unhealthy, faulty and most often untrue. Seeing him as the entire problem is actually a sign of arrogance on your part. Broaden your point of view, becoming clear as to the issues he brings to the marriage as well as your own. Be careful about blaming him for all your marriage problems.
Second, guard your heart against a bitter attitude. While there are clearly issues concerning your husband needing attention, bitterness toward him will not help the situation. Scripture says, “Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.” (Hebrews 12: 15) Bitterness has been called the poison pill we take hoping to hurt another.
Third, agree together to seek counseling. In counseling you can sort through which issues are his, which are yours and which are “ours.” Many relationship problems occur in our dysfunctional interaction with each other, and we need skilled guidance to recognize and work on these issues. Rarely are marital problems the result of one person doing all the damage. You both need to learn a healthier dance, which can include assertiveness and setting boundaries.
Fourth, keep your side of the street clean. You are right to be concerned about your husband’s behavior, and even right to hold him accountable for them. However, start with yourself. Consider your own issues, modeling humility and a willingness to grow. Humility causes us to let go of bitterness, offering a softer landing place for our mate to look at their issues. As he sees you owning your withdrawal from him, anger and arrogance, he may be more willing to consider his shortcomings.
Finally, provoke your mate—to good works! Instead of harboring bitterness and viewing yourself as the victim, follow the Scriptural principle of provoking him to good works. “Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works.” (Hebrews 10: 24) Get into the habit of out-loving each other. Catch each other doing things “right,” instead of “wrong.” Be quick to start over again, building one another up.
Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at mailto:TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, http://www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage.