Marriage is a challenge for many, even under the best of conditions. Learning to communicate effectively, managing tight finances and dealing effectively with conflict, all can be a difficult endeavor. Add drugs to the mix and it’s like pouring gasoline on a fire—explosions inevitably occur!
Having recently been inundated with calls and emails asking me to address the drug epidemic in this country, I decided it was time to address this prevalent issue again.
Drugs impact many marriages and families, rendering them helpless against this quiet killer. There are no simple solutions or quick fixes for the methamphetamine/ heroin/ marijuana/ cocaine epidemic sweeping our country. No one seems to have an answer.
Consider these statistics:
According to information from the 2007 National Household Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH), 114 million Americans age 12 and older (46% of the population) reported illicit drug use at least once in their lifetime; 14% reported use of a drug within the past year; 8% reported use of a drug within the past month. Drug use is pervasive.
Further understand drug use is addictive. Rarely is one able to simply pick up a drug and readily put it back down. Further understand that chronic drug use paralyzes an individual—they no longer effectively manage their emotions, communication or faith life.
These facts seem like sad stories and statistics unless they strike close to home. When the poisonous impact of drugs hits your marriage and family, the impact is usually devastating.
A woman wrote to me recently indicating her personal struggle with drugs.
Dear Dr. David. My husband has had a long history of heroin and meth use. He has gone to treatment two times, and each time he remains clean for a few months before relapsing. Each time he relapses he promises he won’t use again, but it’s gotten to the point where I can’t trust him. He begs for me to forgive him and I have—again and again. But, what can I do to ever trust that he will remain clean for more than a month? How do I explain his drug use to our children?
What is the answer for the millions of us who have mates using drugs or alcohol? How can we keep trusting when our trust is violated again and again? When do we have the right to walk away? I love my husband, and I know he loves us. He loves his kids and I know they love him. But, this is killing us. No one can possibly understand this madness unless they’ve been through it.
--Desperate for a Normal Life
Dear Desperate,
You are right that no one can fully understand the madness you live with unless they’ve lived it themselves. Having worked in a drug and alcohol treatment facility, I’ve seen first-hand the devastation that occurs in the life of the drug user (as well as alcohol) and to the lives of the husbands/ wives and families as well. The repercussions are far-reaching. Finances are ruined, trust betrayed, and safety sabotaged.
Let me remind you of the few things you can do to cope with this silent killer. Armed with accurate information, you can make good choices for yourself and your family.
First, be informed. There is little more powerful than knowing about the drugs that steal your husband from you and your family. Read up on this silent killer, attend informational meetings and talk to others who know about this problem. Face the painful truth of how powerful drug addiction is, and the progressive nature of the problem.
Second, get support. There is a saying in the Twelve Step program that says, “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” Trying to keep this problem a secret from your friends and family will drive you crazy. While you don’t need to take out an ad in the local newspaper, you do need to let those who love and care about you know the troubles you’re facing. (They probably can guess anyway!)
Third, hold the addict accountable. Lying for him (or her), making excuses and pretending things aren’t as bad as they are, is another way to aggravate your difficulties. Face the issues. Acknowledge the addiction. Tell yourself the truth. Scripture tells us “The truth shall set you free,” (John 8: 32) and this is never more true than in the field of drug addiction.
Fourth, seek professional help. Professionals who deal with the ravages of drug addiction will help you make good decisions on holding the addict accountable for their choices. They will help you understand the addiction and ways to make it more likely that they will choose recovery over their addiction.
Fifth, consider an intervention. While incredibly frightening, consider gathering his loved ones for an intervention. Armed with information, and the skilled guidance of a professional able to direct this process, there are ways to “bring the bottom” to the addict, leading to recovery. Learn about this powerful tool and how it might help in your situation.
Sixth, understand that recovery is a process, not an event. The addict must learn that he/ she cannot go back to life as usual. They must learn the emotional aspects of their addiction, the behavioral changes needed, and the immensely helpful power of faith in the process of recovery. When one program is not enough, try another. Consider participation in Christian-based programs such as Celebrate Recovery for a comprehensive recovery program.
Finally, lean on the power of God in your life. It is true that when the storms of life surround us, we need God. When we reach the end of our resources, we need God. When our best efforts have done nothing but create chaos in our life, we need God. These are times to glean every bit of wisdom we can from the Proverbs, comfort from the Psalms and direction from Scripture.
Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage.