We were huddled together outside an adorable bungalow in a quaint neighborhood in Seattle. Invited to participate in several “walk-throughs,” there was an air of excitement about which home my son, Tyson and daughter-in-law Jordana, would choose to make an offer on.
Their first home out of med school, with crackerjack houses costing more than many earn in a decade, this was a BIG decision. Excitement comingling with anxiety created a bit of tension.
We listened to the young realtor, Adam, Blackberry ringing with other deals in the works, tell us this sector of the real estate market had suddenly heated up. Moving at a snail’s pace three months earlier, houses were now selling in a day. Here again were the “Escalation Clauses,” where buyers could up the ante like an Ebay auction.
“If you want to make sure you get this house,” Adam said frankly, “you better put in an Escalation Clause or at least not wait very long. These houses are going fast.”
I couldn’t believe my eyes or ears. Was this the same sluggish market we’ve all witnessed for the past two years? Were my son and daughter-in-law going to have to make a huge financial and emotional decision two hours after seeing the house for the first time?
While these were some of my thoughts, my attention soon turned to the twist in dynamics between the six of us. As we walked through the kitchens, turning on the faucets to make sure there was running water (as if the owners would turn the water off for the day!) opening and closing cabinet doors, even peering onto the owner’s bookshelves to catch a glimpse into the owner’s inner lives, we began forming opinions.
The conversation soon became livelier. Perhaps even heated.
“You didn’t like that kitchen? I thought it was to die for.”
“No, I didn’t care for the old cabinetry. It would definitely take work to fix up.”
“I hated the cramped feeling in the bedroom.”
“Oh, I loved the cozy feeling in the bedroom.”
“I hated that dining nook. Way too small.”
“Oh, that dining nook was so quaint.”
“The neighborhood is a not as nice as the other neighborhood.”
“Oh, but there will be lots of children in this neighborhood.”
Subtle at first, I noticed the change. Opinions, once sought and appreciated, now grew testy. Perspectives once offered for the point of view, became a bit controlling. I watched Tyson and Jordana’s eyes begin to scream OVERLOAD!
Undoubtedly you’ve had the same feeling. At one moment you’re enjoying conversation with a good friend, and then your friend starts opinionating—
--telling you how you ought to do something
--telling you why their way of doing things is better than your way
--telling you exactly what is wrong with your perspective
And then you start to fume. Since when did right and wrong become part of this conversation? Is there a right answer to whether or not I want to go back to school, buy a new car or move to another state? You begin to feel hemmed in by opinionating!
“How do I tell them I’ve had enough of their opinionating? How do I tell them I’m thankful for their thoughts, and value their insights, and certainly want their support, but I don’t want their opinions—especially the ones insensitive to my feelings on the matter?
Clearly this is a delicate matter. Scripture implores us that any truth-telling must be done in love, and we know love is never hurtful. Love does not dominate or humiliate. Love never overwhelms and controls.
Here are a few suggestions for sharing opinions with loved ones:
One, share opinions only when invited. Opinions are rarely valued when shared without invitation. Our loved ones are less likely to be in a receptive posture if information is shared without asking for it, or being offered, an invitation.
Two, share opinions gently. Never offer rigid, dogmatic points of view. Unless your loved one is preparing to engage in something illegal or immoral lighten up! State your opinion as a preference, and leave plenty of room for their position to be a preference as well.
Third, know when to shut up. Watch closely for cues suggesting your loved one has had enough. When their eyes begin circling in their head, that’s a pretty good clue they’ve reached information overload. When their responses become clipped and testy, they’re indicating—in their own way—they need to sort things out for themselves. If you continue to push your opinion, you’ll create hard feelings.
Fourth, respect and honor others’ opinions. We all have preferences. In the case of my son and daughter-in-law, some family preferred modern architecture to quaint; some preferred more space compared to cozy; some preferred neighborhood to quality of construction. It’s all a matter of perspective and preference.
Finally, embrace and enjoy others’ opinions. These differences become the spice of life. How drab our world would be if we only had blue and beige bungalows (my preference!) in quiet neighborhoods. If everywhere I looked was row after row of these very same bungalows, I’d jump on my sailboat and set sail for Mexico.
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