“My husband keeps promising to change, but then he doesn’t. He keeps slipping back into the same old patterns, and I’m not sure what to do anymore.”
These were Kate’s opening words, an obviously dispirited young woman who came to see me recently for counseling.
“Tell me more,” I encouraged.
“We’re both Christians, but you wouldn’t know it by our behavior,” she said tearfully. “We act one way at church, and another way behind the scenes. People even come to us for counseling. I just don’t get why it’s so hard to act the way we know we should act.”
“So, how do you treat each other?” I asked.
“It’s embarrassing,” she said. “We can scream and swear like the best of them. We get so frustrated with each other. We’ve even gotten to the point of yelling in front of our kids. I hate it.”
My heart went out to Kate. I could imagine being in her shoes, and talk to couples every day desiring to behave one way, but act entirely different. Then they felt tremendous guilt and remorse over their actions.
I assured Kate she was perfectly normal. We can be fooled into thinking there are “perfect Christians” out there, and then compare ourselves unfavorably. Then we slip into feeling even worse about ourselves.
Even the Apostle Paul acted in ways that were contrary to his values. He said, “That which I want to do, I do not do.” (Romans 7: 15) Clearly he was frustrated with himself.
However, we don’t have to stop there. Just because we’re “normal” doesn’t mean we should settle for behaviors that erode our marriages and self-esteem. Behaving contrary to our values does little to enhance our integrity, testimony and relationships. How do we go about changing entrenched patterns of behavior?
Change demands a lot from us. It requires breaking out of established patterns that inevitably lead to marriage crises. It requires letting go of old ways of seeing things and abandoning failed methods of dealing with problems. We must be willing to face the truth about our problems. Shortcuts and quick fixes don’t work. Real change involves real commitment, effort and engagement.
Practical tools for breaking through your barriers to change include the following:
One, change begins with me. Although it’s tempting to focus on what your mate is doing wrong, this only leads to wheel-spinning. Focusing on your mate prevents you from moving forward. Traction in solving your problems comes from looking in the mirror for ways to change.
Two, begin to own your stuff. Owning your stuff means recognizing that you’ve created the mess you’re in. It doesn’t work to hide behind the belief that the problem is somewhere “out there,” rather than somewhere “in here.” The only person you can change is you, and the only stuff you can really work on is the stuff you bring to the table.
Third, change means knowing precisely what it is you’re going to do to bring about the transformation. Vague goals and lofty dreams are just that—vague and lofty. A concrete plan for change is essential. Precisely what are you going to change, and how will you know if you’ve been successful? Who’s going to hold you accountable for this change? Breaking through the barriers means establishing practical steps you are willing to take to become the person God and your mate want you to be.
Fourth, change requires humility. Humility comes from the Latin word humilis, meaning low, humble, of earth. We’ll never be honest with ourselves about changes we must make while maintaining a pretentious attitude. The Twelve Step program of Alcoholics Anonymous promotes taking a moral inventory of how we’ve hurt others with our behavior. Considering how our actions have affected our mate is a great way to begin the process of change.
Fifth, change requires commitment. Because none of us are perfect, and because we have an incredible tendency to shift back into our familiar misery, we must commit ourselves to trying, again and again. We cannot allow ourselves to wallow in discouragement, nor can we afford to take half-measures when it comes to change. We must count the cost and then commit ourselves to action.
Another critical element that fuels commitment is our heartfelt belief that the path we’re taking is the right one for us. Any efforts coming from external motivations are likely to fail, while efforts made from a deep conviction are likely to be sustained.
Finally, change requires reliance upon God. Who among us hasn’t vowed to change under our own steam, only to drop in our tracks halfway through the race? We need the transforming power of God in order to really be honest with ourselves about our shortcomings and to sustain the effort needed to really change.
Dr. Chris Thurman sets us straight on the power of the ego to make these lasting changes: “Personal power, as much as it gets held in high esteem in our culture, isn’t enough to bring about deep, lasting change.” The true source of power for lasting change comes from God.
Consider the words of King David as he faced the transforming power of God’s love in the human heart:
“I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against you, and you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.” (Psalm 51:3)
Breaking the barriers of change begins and ends with truth in our inner parts—and allowing God to transform us.
Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage.