“I can’t believe myself,” Kara said angrily. “When my husband snaps at me, I snap right back. I know better, but I get sucked in even when I know it’s happening.”
“And that surprises you?” I asked smiling. “Emotions are contagious! We tend to mimic whatever our mate is doing. It’s a natural law of human behavior.”
“But, we’ve talked about this,” she said, referring to counseling sessions when we talked about watching out for defensive behavior. “I just hate being so reactive,” Kara continued. “Are you saying I have no control over what I say or do?”
“Of course not, Kara,” I said. “It just means you must be much more conscientious about what is happening around you.
You’ll have to pay even closer attention to what Steve (her husband) is doing. You must pay attention to what he says, how you react to it, and develop alternate ways of responding.”
“Arggh,” Kara blurted. “This is no fun!”
“Learning not to react to others isn’t any fun,” I admitted. “It’s work. Lots of work. But really worth the effort.”
I let my words sink in before continuing.
“Have you heard the notion of ‘responding rather than reacting?’ ” I asked.
“I’ve heard the phrase, but I’m not really clear about what it means.” “Well, when we don’t pay close attention to how we are being impacted by those around us, we tend to act like them. If others around us are sarcastic and biting, it’s easy for us to slip into being sarcastic and biting as well. If your husband is critical toward you, it will be tempting to be critical back. Do you see what I mean?”
“Yes, that really fits what happens in our marriage. I know when he’s cranky and treats me badly, I want to do the same to him.”
“Exactly,” I said. “Monkey see, monkey do.”
Kara’s conversation was similar to an email I received recently from a young man, already frustrated in his marriage.
Dear Dr. David. I feel like I’m a bad character in a bad movie. I watch myself say something rude to my wife. Of course she responds back with something just as rude, and then I say something hurtful to her. We end up yelling at each other and threatening divorce.
I don’t want to give up on my marriage, but I can’t seem to break out of bad habits. My wife can’t seem to do much better. What hope do we have for real, quality change? Help.
Doing what we wish we wouldn’t do has been our problem since the beginning of time. We are creatures of bad habits. We mimic the bad behavior we learned from our parents, our siblings, other children on the playground, and from society in general. Still, we are called to rise above these troubling habits. How can this be done?
First, we must be aware of what we are doing. Pay attention. Take note of the troubling patterns in your marriage.
Thankfully, “if it’s predictable, it’s preventable.” Make a note of what topics “hook” you, and how you tend to respond.
Second, consider why you tend to over-react to certain situations. What “button” does your mate push? Do you have issues with feeling adequate? Do you take pride in being ‘perfect’? Do their comments remind you of earlier events in your family of origin? Sometimes understanding the origins of your feelings help take some of the voltage out of the current situation.
Third, make an agreement with your mate about the troubling patterns, enlisting them in helping you change. Don’t make any accusations, but rather ask them to help you respond in a different way. For example, if you tend to react when your mate criticizes you, ask them to make a statement as to exactly what they want from you, rather than criticize you. Let them know you are trying to change and need their help.
Finally, develop and practice an alternate response. If your typical response is to get defensive and attack, practice an alternate behavior. You may want to ask your mate for more information, rather than reacting. You may want to agree to part of what they’re saying. You may want to simply listen, waiting for a few moments before responding.
Remember, practice, practice, practice. Experiment, being aware of how each changed behavior works for you. When one behavior doesn’t work, try another. Let me know how it works for you.
Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at mailto:TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage.