“Every time we talk about his parents, things get very hot,” Sharla said during a recent counseling session. “Gary gets defensive and then we spend the next hour fighting.”
“Is that how you see things?” I asked her husband.
“Oh yeah,” he said emphatically. “Sharla attacks my parents and of course I defend them. I don’t know why she has to talk about them the way she does. I love them and I’ll continue to defend them every time.”
Barely waiting for Gary to finish his sentence, Sharla jumped in.
“But what about the way they treat me? What about how your mother walks into the room and heads straight over to you without even acknowledging I’m there. What about that?”
“I’ve never seen her do that!” Gary snapped.
“Folks,” I said. Looking over at Gary I continued. “I’m hearing your parents are a hot topic in your marriage.”
“Are you kidding?” Gary said, staring at me. “We can never talk about them without having a fight. They aren’t our only hot topic, but they are one of the hottest.”
With that I proceeded to talk to Gary and Sharla about ‘flashpoints’ in marriage—how every couple has topics that have more voltage than other ones. Given that voltage, and the possibility for getting ‘amped’ and upset, couples must learn how to manage ‘flashpoints.’ They must agree on boundaries for how they will deal with these challenging topics.
The conversation with Gary and Sharla reminded me of an email I received recently:
Dear Dr. David. Every time my wife and I talk about touchy subjects we end up in a fight. She accuses me of attacking her, but it’s gotten to the point where I tiptoe around her. I’m afraid to even talk about certain issues for fear she might go ballistic. It seems like we can’t talk about anything heated without there being an eruption. Why do certain topics have to end up in a fight? I’m wondering if there are any suggestions you have that might help us deal with touchy topics.
Every couple has topics that are more upsetting than others for a variety of reasons. Some of these reasons can be explained by someone’s past, while other reasons may lay in the history of that couple. Regardless, there are tools couples can practice that will help them deal with touchy topics—‘flashpoints’—effectively. Try these with topics that always seem to lead to a fiery eruption.
First, agree upon topics that are ‘flashpoints.’ Sit down and isolate those topics that have more voltage than others. Agree to treat those topics more carefully than others. Agree that these topics bring out more heat than others, and as such, lead to defensiveness, argumentativeness and the potential for greater conflict.
Second, agree to treat these ‘flashpoints’ more carefully than others. Knowing that there are topics that are potentially explosive, it only makes sense to respect their volatility. Much like holding a canister of explosive material, you’ll want to treat these topics much the same way. Agree that you will only talk about these topics at agreed upon times, in agreed upon places, with agreed upon rules of engagement.
Third, agree upon these additional rules of engagement: you will talk caringly to each other. There is no place for judgmental or critical comments. Labeling your mate is forbidden, as well as ridiculing your mate for any perceived wrong. Sarcasm or put-downs are absolutely off limits. Speaking respectfully about the issue at hand, and agreeing to focus on the solution are critical. Seek cooperation with one another, not conflict.
Fourth, manage your anger and avoid ‘flashpoints’ when possible. Of course the best way to avoid ‘flashpoints’ is to keep your anger in check, control your emotions and resolve issues. Managing a fire after it is started is much more difficult than anticipating the potential for a fire and warding off dangers. Scripture tells us to “not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.” (Proverbs 22: 24)
Finally, agree upon a time limit, and way to end the discussion. Just as you are careful in how you begin talking about these ‘flashpoints,’ agree to manage your points of contact and know how you will end the discussion. Keep an eye on the temperature, leaving room in your discussion for a ‘time-out’ if things get too hot. If a time-out is called, agree when you will call time-in.
I am curious as to how you and your mate handle ‘flashpoints.’ Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage.