“She won’t talk to me,” Cal said to me, tears running down his face. Normally a stiff, strong man not prone to emotional outbursts, he was now reduced to intense sadness after his mate of seventeen years left him.
Cal had called several weeks earlier, shortly after his wife left, wanting to be seen immediately. I worked him into my schedule, hoping we could take immediate action to save his marriage.
“So, tell me what happened,” I said.
“I’m sure you’ve heard this a thousand times, Doc,” he said. “It’s the ‘I’ve got to find myself story.’”
“Okay,” I said slowly. “Are you suggesting there is no validity to her request?”
“Well,” Cal continued, “I don’t think you need to leave a marriage to find yourself, that’s for sure. And now, whenever I try to talk to her, she becomes immediately defensive. I’m confused as to what’s going on.”
“Well, Cal, I’ll help you figure it all out. But, I’ll tell you something very important. Her defensiveness is a huge clue for us.”
“What do you mean?” he said. “I figured she’s just feeling guilty for leaving and her defensiveness means she’s not willing to listen to anybody.”
Cal seemed pretty sure of himself, and certainly laid the blame for his wife’s leaving squarely on her shoulders. I had my doubts.
I shared my perspective on defensiveness—some insights I’ve gained through my counseling practice.
“Defensiveness,” I shared, “does at times mean a person is feeling guilty and refuses to look critically at their behavior. At other times they may not feel guilty, but simply lack insight and humility to be aware of their character traits and the way they impact others. At other times it means people are feeling criticized and unsafe, and they push away to protect themselves.”
“Hmm,” Cal said. “I don’t know which one of those fits my wife. I don’t think I’m being that critical. I just tell her the truth and she has a problem with that.”
“Is the truth you’re sharing invited?” I asked Cal.
“What do you mean ‘invited?’” Cal asked.
“This ‘truth’ you’re sharing with her. Is she asking to receive this information?”
No,” he said slowly, “not really.”
"Since she has left you, indicating she’s pretty unhappy with you, this might be a pretty important issue. Her defensiveness may mean she really isn’t open at this time to what you’d like to share with her.”
Cal paused and considered what I was saying. He had been viewing his wife’s defensiveness as yet another reason why she was ‘wrong’ and he was ‘right.’ He had been viewing her defensiveness as a problem she needed to change, as opposed to something he needed to address in himself.
Let’s review some other thoughts on defensiveness:
First, people often have a ‘reason’ why they feel defensive. In other words, they often are feeling attacked, criticized or judged. They feel vulnerable and push away in an effort to protect themselves. If they feel safe, they are often willing to lower their defenses and draw closer.
Second, confronting people on their defensiveness rarely works. Again, since they are already feeling vulnerable, a frontal attack on their defensiveness, or behavior leading to defensiveness, only heightens the problem.
Third, create safety. Stop attacking. Stop judging. Stop labeling or doing anything that might cause the person to push away from you. Watch them closely and see if they exhibit behaviors leading them to ‘lean in,’ or behaviors causing them to ‘push away.’
Fourth, encourage them to share about their feelings of distrust and anxiety. Invite them to share their feelings of defensiveness so you can learn to adjust your behavior. Invite their criticism so you can consider their point of view. Listen non-defensively to their concerns so they will trust you with their frustrations.
Finally, use this new information to change your approach. When people feel safe, understood and validated, they will trust you and often move back into relationship with you. It is when people feel unsafe that they push away.
Cal listened carefully to these concepts and began applying them to his life. In subsequent weeks he came to see he had been far more critical than he at first realized. He learned to validate his wife’s feelings, and noticed her anxiety around him lessen. While they are still separated, he has new hope for their marriage.
Disarming defensiveness is a potent tool for your marriage. Try inviting your mate to share their concerns, listening non-defensively. Listen very carefully to how you talk to your mate, recognizing even subtle forms of criticism and judgment. Seek to eliminate these destructive communication patterns from your marriage.
Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage.