“If your marriage could talk, what would it say?” I asked a man recently who was attending one of my Marriage Intensives.
George, a lanky, forty-five year old businessman, familiar with numbers, PowerPoint presentations and spreadsheets, looked at me like I had three eyes.
“What?” he said, his eyebrows raised. “I don’t think I’m following you.”
“If your marriage could talk,” I repeated, “what would it say?”
He stared at me as his wife of eleven years, Lydia, looked on. They had come for intensive counseling because of a crisis in their relationship. She had initiated their counseling because she felt isolated and abandoned in their marriage. She had shared feeling left out of his life, replaced by his work, his “addiction to golf,” and increasing attraction to alcohol.
I had talked to George and Lydia on the phone prior to their arrival in Seattle. Both shared their increasing displeasure in their marriage—she due to his increasing preoccupation with activities and hobbies outside the marriage---while he was dissatisfied with her irritability and critical nature.
More history-taking revealed Lydia was overwhelmed by her work as an attorney for a non-profit, and both felt stressed by the challenges of raising three young daughters and the demands of their activities. They had full lives that left little room for each other. My foremost concern was their apparent inability to talk about their needs with each other in a constructive way.
Since George was having so much trouble answering my question, I decided to give Lydia a shot at it. Here was her response:
“I think that if our marriage could talk it would say, I need attention. I need you both to slow down and pay attention to me. I need to be listened to very closely. It is challenging for me to breath with all the activity. While your children need attention too, I need tender-loving care. I need excitement and enthusiasm. I need respect. I need room to change as the demands of the family change. As your careers change, and your children grow, your bodies change and your energies are different. This will impact how you treat me. Take more time to listen to me, your marriage. If you do I will repay you richly.
“Well, I could never have said that,” George said firmly. “I suppose she’s right, but I still could never have talked that way or thought that way.”
“Don’t worry about that,” I said to George. “I’m not sure I could have talked that way either. Nice job, Lydia.”
I paused for a moment to let her words sink in.
“So,” I continued, looking over to George, “now what did you hear her say?”
“I can do this one,” he said smiling. “I heard her say that our marriage is clamoring for attention. If we listen to her, and pay attention to her changes over the years, she’ll repay us generously. But, we have to make necessary adjustments as we age and our family and business lives change.”
“How did he do, Lydia?” I asked.
“That’s about the size of it,” she said. “I think that we’re in a stage where our children need us more, and it may be time to cut back on our work lives to pay more attention to them and to each other. We’ll always have time to rebuild our professional lives if that’s important to us.”
As you listen to George and Lydia’s story, I want to ask you the same question:
If your marriage could talk, what would it say? Here are a few more questions to guide your discussion with your mate:
• How has your marriage changed since first being married?
• What new demands have been placed on your marriage by the economy?
• What new demands have been placed on your marriage by children, aging parents or other external influences?
• How has your spiritual life changed since being married? How has this affected your marriage?
• What do you hear God telling you about your marriage?
• How has your lifestyle changed since being married? Do you require a larger/ smaller home?
• Are there places you feel more alive as a couple, such as the sea, the desert or the mountains? How have you incorporated those into your marriage?
What did you discover? Did you find, as my wife and I have, that our marriage has changed over the years? Like Lydia and George, if we listen carefully to our mate, and to the “life” of our marriage, we can learn valuable lessons. God ordained marriage and created it to be alive and dynamic. We can know, with God’s help, exactly what needs to be changed to keep our marriage alive and vibrant.
Please share these questions with your mate, using your answers to enliven your marriage. Let us know how these ideas help you, or other ideas you’ve tried that have had a positive impact. Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at mailto:TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You'll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage.