“You just don’t’ understand!” Lisa said to her husband Phil during a recent counseling session.
“I don’t want you to offer solutions to my problems,” she continued, her voice shrill with exasperation. “I want you to really understand why I feel the way I do, and validate my feelings.”
“I thought I did that!” Phil replied, obviously frustrated. “I told you I was listening to you. I even told you I understood what you were saying. What more do you want?”
“I want you to tell me you get what I am saying. I’d like you to add your thoughts to what I’m saying, empathizing with me. I need to feel like we’re on the same page, and much of the time I don’t feel that. It makes me feel a million miles away from you.”
“Is that why things are so cold in the bedroom?” Phil asked sarcastically.
“Could be, Phil,” Lisa said dryly. “Sure could be.”
Their conversation was sounding much like ones I hear nearly every day in my counseling practice. Couples sitting across from each other, feeling angry, resentful and misunderstood, wondering why their marriage is falling apart.
I shared a powerful truth with Phil and Lisa—the same one I share with every couple coming to see me for marriage counseling: the most powerful connection you can make is what I call attunement—the ability to speak the same language as your mate. Attunement fuels emotional intimacy and creates an incredibly powerful connection. When we are attuned to each other, we understand where the other is coming from spiritually, emotionally, even behaviorally. We ask questions to understand our mates better. We seek to understand why they think the way they think and do the things they do, and we’re able to communicate that understanding effectively.
Consider this recent email from a woman sharing her lack of attunement with her husband.
Dear Dr. David. I am so frustrated. My husband is a nice guy, but he’s so passive. He says he is listening to me, but adds little to the conversation. He says he understands when I talk, but offers nothing to me. I ask him to empathize with me and he stares at me like I’ve got three heads. I explain to him what it means to validate my feelings and thirty seconds later he’s forgotten what I said. That’s on a good day. On a bad day he gets angry when I ask him to show he understands my feelings. He truly doesn’t seem to get it. I don’t want to talk down to him, but he seems more interested in his job and his sports teams and could care less about what makes me tick. Then he gets angry when I don’t feel amorous toward him.
I know that I speak for thousands of women who want a man to talk to us like our girlfriends do. It’s not that we want him to be a woman, but is it too much to ask to have them truly listen to us? Sometimes I get so discouraged and think I’m just asking for too much. Help!!
---Lonely
Dear Lonely,
You’re not asking for too much. While your husband may be like many men, that is no excuse for not learning the language of love. Scripture teaches that we should treasure our mate, and offer attention to the things (people) important to us. We crave understanding, and to be understood is the basis for real communication.
So, what can you do about this? I’ll offer a few suggestions.
First, men need encouragement, not criticism. The quickest way to send a man running is to criticize him for what he’s not doing, rather than encourage him to become better at what you’d like from him. So, throw away the criticism and choose to communicate positive requests.
Second, most men must be taught about attunement. It should be no surprise that most men, and many women, don’t learn this naturally. Few families encourage the expression of feelings, empathizing with each other and listening carefully to one another. This is a foreign language to most, and learning it is like learning a new language.
Third, since this language is not learned automatically, you must sign up for language classes. That means enlisting your husband in the process of learning this new language of attunement—done through the use of self-help books, listening to sermons on communication and marriage, and finally, counseling. There is no better way to learn this new language than practicing it under the watchful eye of a relationship coach/ counselor.
Fourth, be specific. I mean, really specific. General requests are confusing to him. Don’t tell him you want him to listen—he’ll tell you he does. Don’t say you want more intimacy—he’ll tell you he is giving that already. Ask him to sit down with you and spend time talking. Ask him to practice listening to your feelings and sharing his. Ask him to ask you questions about your day and your concerns. When he responds to your specific requests, offer him encouragement.
Finally, practice, practice, practice. Perfect practice makes perfect! Find a counselor who will coach you and your husband on the fine art of attunement. Practice really listening to each other, paraphrasing what each says, empathizing with one another while creating a safe place for each other’s feelings. Doing this again and again will strengthen your marriage in every way and you will experience a strong and vibrant connection.
Please take these suggestions for connection and share them with your mate. Practice active listening, resonating with each other’s feelings. Let us know how these ideas help you, or other ideas you’ve tried that have had a positive impact. Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at mailto:TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage.