The brain is an incredible organ, made up of billions of neurons and capable of profound problem-solving abilities. It is profoundly instrumental in relating as well.
While the entire brain is necessary for full functioning, the frontal lobe plays a critical role in one aspect of relating. I call it frontal lobe relating. The frontal lobe is instrumental for what is called executive functioning—planning, organizing, and even anticipating problems. We use our frontal lobe when we map out our day, considering the tasks we need to accomplish and strategizing about how we might accomplish them.
What does this have to do with relationships, you ask? Well, consider the following email, and then let’s look at the role the frontal lobe could play in eliminating this problem.
Dear Dr. David,
My husband seems to take little interest in my life. Don’t get me wrong. He’s nice enough, and is actually a gentle man. But, he doesn’t remember my birthday or our anniversary, forgets important aspects of my life, and doesn’t seem to take me into consideration. He is really a smart man and his forgetfulness and lack of consideration are confusing to me. How can such a bright man not show concern about me, even after I’ve made it clear I need him to think about me? We’ve gotten in many fights about this, and each time he gives the same excuse—he forgot. He tells me not to take it personally, but that’s impossible. How can I not take it personally when he forgets to buy me a simple gift for my birthday? How do I not take it personally when he “forgets” to pick up after himself, or even ask about my day?
So, do you have any suggestions? Why do there seem to be so many men who can do very well on the job, and be so careless at home in their marriage? I’d love to hear how you explain this behavior.
You are certainly in good company, as there are many who feel taken for granted by their mates. It is no fun to be married to someone who doesn’t take seriously those issues serious to you.
There are actually several plausible explanations for this man’s inconsideration. Let’s explore each briefly.
First, he may simply be thoughtless. He may not have really decided to be a thoughtful, considerate person. While he may be dedicated to being great on the job, he may never have decided to be a great husband. This, sadly, is true of many men. They put their best efforts into making a lot of money, but never apply the same energies to being a fantastic husband. This, in fact, is the most likely issue.
If this man really decided to be a great husband, he would apply his frontal lobe/ executive functioning abilities to the task of being a great husband. He would remind himself of what is important to his wife. He would feel sad when he hurts his wife. He would plan ahead for her birthday and their anniversary. He would apply himself to the task of great husbanding in the same way he applies himself to being a good worker on the job.
Second, he may be absent-minded, with a tendency to see “the big picture,” and miss the details of life. There are many who are “big picture” people, tending to be open-minded, non-detail oriented. These individuals have more trouble planning their lives, and in fact resist being boxed in by plans. They prefer to “float” and dislike the regimented life that often comes with mapping out one’s life.
The frontal lobe is needed for a solution. These individuals need to carry their mate around with them in their minds, planning out special occasions, anticipating their mate’s needs. While this may never come naturally, it may be required for a healthy marriage.
Finally, there are disorders that impact one’s ability to maintain focus. We now know that there are adults that have Attention Deficit Disorder, as well as other biochemical/ neurological issues that can impact focus and attention. It is best to have a thorough medical exam to rule out remediable issues impacting abilities to sustain focus, attention and planning, as well as the possibility of medications that can help.
Regardless of the reason for not focusing on your mate, it is your mate’s responsibility to seek solutions. Marriage demands that we value our mate, prizing what they prize and honoring what they honor. When we agreed to marry, we agreed to “defer to one another in love.” This is a weighty, but rewarding responsibility. Let’s agree to carry our mate on our frontal lobe, thinking about them throughout the day, anticipating their needs and concerns, and being determined to help them be as happy as they can possibly be with us.
Do you feel taken for granted? I’d love to hear from you. Let us know how these ideas help you, or other ideas you’ve tried that have had a positive impact. Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage as well.