If you haven’t noticed, men and women are very different. We are quite obviously different in how we look, how we think and how we behave as well. We’re different in how we problem-solve, how we deal with emotions, and very different in how we approach intimacy.
This difference is very pronounced in the sexual arena. While this is a generalization, men are typically like microwaves sexually—ready for love-making at a moment’s notice---“instant on.” Women, on the other hand, need to be “warmed up slowly”—not unlike a crockpot. Those who fail to understand that difference, and respect it, are destined for serious problems.
A woman recently sent me the following note:
Dear Dr. David.
My husband and I are both devoted Christians. I long for us to pray together every day --even just five minutes to connect and pray for each other, our children, etc. He won't do it. Over the years, I have respectfully expressed my desire and need for this --how it affects me deeply on spiritual, mental, emotional, and even sexual levels. I have tried different appeals such as a word picture of this being like motor oil and gas for my engine--it's that important. Not praying together leaves me feeling unsupported, unprotected, twisting in the wind alone.
At the same time, my husband wants sex a few times a week. It is challenging for me to respond many times, because 'my engine has no oil or gas,' but most of the time I try. He wakes me in the night for sex, which sends me into an emotional tumble. He rolls over and goes to sleep and I lie awake for the next couple of hours and the following day I’m in shambles because I'm exhausted and unable to function well. I have appealed to him that sex is important for a marriage, but praying together is just as important for our marriage. "What if we had sex only as often as we prayed together?” Help, please. This ongoing issue never stops deeply wounding me!
--Need emotional intimacy
Your concern, of course, is not new. Many women feel unprotected and angry when they lack emotional intimacy, which feels like a requirement for sexual intimacy. Prayer is certainly a critical way for men and women to connect, and I’m not surprised you need this emotional/ spiritual intimacy to move into the sexual arena. Without this emotional/ spiritual connection, you feel taken advantage of sexually.
On the other hand, it is unlikely that your husband intends to take advantage of you. Men and women are wired differently, and we must appreciate those differences. Since we are so different, what are some answers?
First, both men and women need to understand and respect differences. God made us different, and we must understand this. Failure to really appreciate these differences leaves us angry and misunderstood. When we understand how men/ women have been created, we’re far less likely to take their actions personally.
For men, that means we must guard against feeling punished when women share their need for emotional intimacy before sexual intimacy. For women it means not taking it personally when men get aroused regardless of the emotional climate in the marriage.
Second, men and women must navigate these differences effectively. Understanding these differences, men and women still must learn to cooperate with each other. Women must understand the importance of sexual intimacy to a man, and men must understand that women can only respond sexually when the relationship receives the attention it deserves. Spiritual intimacy is a wonderful way to connect to our mates, and will often lead to closer emotional and physical intimacy.
Third, we can help our mate be the person we desire for healthy sexual responding. Women can help men meet their needs by making their needs clear. Men cannot read women’s minds, and it is unfair to expect them to do so.
Men need ongoing reminders about the importance of emotional intimacy for sexual well-being. State your needs with words of encouragement, as opposed to criticism, as men are likely to respond much more effectively when encouraged to be engaged emotionally in marriage.
Men can help their mate respond by creating an atmosphere of emotional safety. By being engaged with her spiritually, you create a safe environment for her to respond sexually. By letting her know you desire her emotionally and spiritually, you let her know her complete value—not simply a sexual object.
In summary, there is no right way to behave sexually---crockpots and microwaves are both okay. We have been wired to respond a certain way, but can grow beyond natural tendencies. We can love our mates the way Scripture illustrates—“deferring (sacrificially) to one another in love.” (Ephesians 5: 21)
Do you struggle to speak the same sexual language? Are you open with each other about your expectations? I’d love to hear from you. Share what has worked in creating an open, vibrant emotional and sexual relationship. Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage as well.