“I think so, but I haven’t really pushed it,” she said. “I wanted to come first to make sure it’s not me. I want to know that what I want is reasonable. Is it reasonable to want these things on my list?”
“Absolutely,” I said. “Marriage should be a place of safety, where we are free to share our feelings, thoughts and desires. We should be able to laugh and love freely. Your friends have discovered something and have held onto it. It can be yours again as well.”
“What do we do?” Debra asked.
“You’ve already done much of the hard work,” I said smiling. “You’ve come out of denial and recognized the kettle is getting very warm. There’s still time to have an honest conversation with your husband. You can invite him into this counseling process where we work on changing the temperature in your home.”
“So, what next?”
Here are a few of the things I talked to Debra about, which she went home and shared with her husband.
First, take inventory. God gives us wisdom so we can make good decisions. Prayerfully take stock of your marriage. What are your strengths and weaknesses? Compare your marriage to Debra’s list. How do you fare?
Second, make a note of the areas of your marriage needing improvement. Candidly review your marriage. What are areas of strength? What do you do well? What are areas of weakness? Share your points of view with each other, and make a habit of routinely asking each other how they feel about the marriage.
Third, make a plan for ways to enhance areas of strength, and improve areas of weakness. Don’t be afraid to seek counseling to improve areas of weakness. It is often very difficult to have a clear perspective on our own problems, and a trained counselor can be invaluable.
Finally, commit everything to prayer. Scripture advises us, “Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain.” (Psalm 127: 1) We cannot rebuild our marriages, or even refurbish them, without wisdom and guidance from God. We are prone to be like Debra, who spent years in her marriage believing it as ‘normal,’ when in fact there were many areas needing improvement. With prayer and honesty, you’ll discover areas in your marriage that can be strengthened.
Has the water gotten slowly warmer in your marriage? Perhaps it’s time to come out of denial and take inventory of the areas needing improvement. Please write to me and let me know what you discover. Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at mailto:TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage as well.