“I don’t understand a word you’re saying,” Jim said to his wife, Darcy during a recent counseling session. Out of frustration, and fear, she had been talking passionately for the past several minutes, and I could see Jim’s eyes circling in the back of his head.
Jim and Darcy had been married only five years, but already their attempts at clear communication were failing. Darcy tended to repeat herself, escalating with frustration as Jim “didn’t get it.” Each time he failed to empathize accurately with her feelings, and ask again in exasperation what she was trying to say, she would raise her voice and become even more impatient.
“I don’t know why you can’t understand me?” she asked. “I’m telling you exactly what I mean. I don’t think you want to understand me.”
“Hold it,” I said, jumping into the middle of their attempts at communication. “It’s fair to tell Jim that you don’t feel understood, but not fair to question his motives.”
Darcy looked at my in puzzlement.
“I don’t think he wants to understand. If he did, he’d get it.”
“Not necessarily,” I said. “You’re questioning his motives, and that violates a boundary. He may be trying as hard as he can to understand you.”
“That’s true,” Jim piped in. “And I hate it when she tells me what I’m thinking or why I’m doing what I’m doing.”
“So, Darcy,” I continued. “Let’s try this again, and this time, simply make your point, keep it succinct, and let’s see if Jim can empathize. But, let’s make sure we’re all calm and careful before we begin.”
Darcy gave a big sigh. Jim stretched his hands in the air and let out a big breath. I smiled.
Surely you can empathize with Jim and Darcy’s feelings of frustration. No matter the topic, anything can set a conversation in the wrong direction. A little passion, a dose of confusion, along with an expectation that “it shouldn’t be this hard,” and you have all the makings for conflict.
Given that communication can be very difficult, and even the smallest issues can ignite a huge flame, let’s consider this recipe for healthy communication.
First, stay calm. The moment we begin to feel frustrated or angry, we often begin to escalate the conversation. We stop listening and push even harder to make our point. The listener, of course, feels this push and becomes defensive, putting up another roadblock to communication. The Scriptures tell us “A gentle answer turns away wrath.” (Proverbs 15: 1)
Second, go slowly. The more heated the topic, the slower you should go. Take it easy, agreeing ahead of time to process the issue slowly and deliberately. Recognize that a hot topic can move from calm to catastrophe in a heartbeat.
Third, don’t try to be a mind-reader. Don’t guess at what you’re mate is saying or why they’re saying it. Don’t tell them what they mean, or even what they’ve said. Honor their words and let them know what you hear them saying.
Fourth, practice paraphrasing to ensure you understand what your mate is saying. Ask questions to gain clarity. Make sure you completely understand your mate before inserting your opinion. Ask that your point of view be recognized and honored as well.
Fifth, don’t try to coerce your mate into agreeing with you. There is room in your marriage for differing opinions. Trying to change your mate’s mind will always escalate the conflict. Allowing room for opposing points of view retains individuality.
Sixth, recognize that understanding and clarity usually dissolve conflict. When we really understand where our mate is coming from, and why they feel the way they do, as well as giving up any need to change their mind, conflict dissolves.
Finally, work together as a team to solve the problem. Don’t slip into trying to be “right” or “win the argument.” When you fully understand each other—and not a moment before—seek a solution that works for both. Remember that if you win an argument, you still lose. Find a solution that works for both of you.
I’d love to hear how these tools, which I teach to couples, work for you. Please write to me and let me know the results of these new skills. Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage as well.