“I’m not sure I want to keep working on this marriage,” Chelsea told me during our counseling session. I was meeting her alone after a particularly difficult couple’s counseling session.
Married for nearly twenty-five years, Chelsea had felt disconnected from her husband, Chad, for at least the past ten years.
“I look back on our marriage, and all I see is a lot of selfishness on his part,” she said sadly. “I wonder, in fact, if I ever loved him, or if he ever really loved me. I’m so mad and hurt now, it’s hard to even come to couple’s counseling.”
“I hear this from a lot of women,” I told Chelsea. “Many women have tolerated poor marriages for years. Then once the kids are grown, they begin looking more closely at their marriage and become very discouraged.”
“That’s me,” she said softly. “I look at him and nearly everything he says bugs me. All I see is a self-centered man. I’m not convinced he cares at all about me.”
“But what about the fact that he’s coming to counseling?” I said, trying to help her see a broader perspective. “He seems genuinely concerned about the marriage now!”
“But why is he coming?” Chelsea said angrily. “He knows I’ve got one foot out the door. I think he just doesn’t want it to like he did something to make his marriage fail. He’s not really interested in me.”
Chelsea paused, and then added a few more sentences.
“I know I shouldn’t feel this way. I should believe God can change anyone. But, I can’t help how much doubt and discouragement I feel.”
“You know Chelsea. I think God is big enough to understand your doubt and discouragement, and quite honestly, those feelings make sense to me. You’ve apparently lived a long time without change, and have tried to make it all okay. It’s not okay, and it’s now catching up with you.”
“So, what do we do now,” Chelsea said passively. “How can anything change when I’m so discouraged?”
Chelsea raised a great question—one I hear nearly every day from women, and men, across the country. How do they deal effectively with profound discouragement and doubt? How do they talk themselves into working on a marriage they feel is dead? How can they be around someone they’ve grown to thoroughly dislike? These are very challenging questions, with no easy answers. I have a few thoughts and welcome your interaction on the subject.
First, you must honor your feelings. There is no value in telling yourself you “should” feel differently. You feel what you feel, and that must be your starting place. Anyone giving you “quick and easy” ways to dispel discouragement probably hasn’t walked a mile in your shoes.
Second, take care of yourself. Don’t push yourself to do more counseling than you are prepared to do. If you need a break from counseling, or him, then take it. If you need a day away at the beach to clear your mind, take it. If a relaxing walk on the beach or in the hills will help refresh you, do it. You will not be able to do good counseling from a perspective of false guilt and legalism.
Third, take inventory of your resentment. Make a list of the issues. Resentment is a natural emotion, offering valuable information. Consider what you resent, why you resent it, and consider actions that can be taken. For example, if you bristle when he fails to listen accurately to what you say, take note of it. This needs attentive healing. If you become angry when he fails to pull his share of the weight in the marriage, take note. Something needs to change. Action is almost a certain healing agent for marriages in trouble.
Four, insist on work to change those areas of difficulty. Issues will not resolve themselves, nor will simple fixes repair deep and lasting problems. Emotional cancer is not healed by three or four, hour-long counseling sessions. Insist on depth work to experience depth healing. Find a clinician who knows about serious marriage issues, and is willing to push for depth change.
Finally, take note of the progress. Don’t live in the past and on past hurtful memories. This will create even more discouragement and even depression. Create a new future, with new memories. Notice when he (or she) does things differently, when change actually begins to happen. Allow yourself to notice the ‘one degree changes’ that add up. A little progress actually adds up and can feel quite wonderful.
In all things, we need to trust the Lord for wisdom and guidance. Left to our own strengths, we’re sure to falter. But, using wisdom from God, we can make sound decisions.
I’d love to hear how these tools, which I teach to couples, work for you. Please write to me and let me know the results of these new skills. Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage as well.