“I don’t know why you have to give me the silent treatment when you’re upset,” Chal said to his wife, Karen, during a recent counseling session.
Bristling from his criticism, she retaliated.
“Because, when you’re sarcastic with me, I’m not going to listen or talk to you. It’s as simple as that. Maybe you’ll get it that you can’t be sarcastic.”
“Seems pretty childish to me to be silent,” Chal snapped.
“You think you have room to talk?” Karen sniped back.
We had just begun our third counseling session. Their original complaint was “their marriage was in trouble.” It didn’t take long to see why they were in trouble, and what it would take for them to get out of trouble.
“Folks,” I said firmly. “Is this anything like how you talk to each other at home?”
“Yeah,” Chal said arrogantly. “She shuts me out and I hate it.”
“And he talks down to me, and I hate that,” Karen responded bitterly.
“So, I take that as a ‘yes,’ and that is part of the reason you’ve come to me for counseling?” I asked.
“I guess so,” Chal said. “I’m not sure what we’re doing, but this is what we do.”
“I want you both to step back for a moment and notice a couple of things. I have several observations:
First, you both seem to be acting as if you’re in a courtroom. You both issue critical comments about the other, blame the other for problems, and take little responsibility for your own behavior. I suspect you both feel unsafe, anticipating being criticized, and are both quick to retaliate.
Second, you both seem to avoid the sanctuary—a place you might feel safe to share your personal feelings, your intimate needs and what you want from your mate. I suspect you don’t feel safe being vulnerable with the other, and hence you both experience distance and rejection from the other.
“That sounds like us,” Karen said. “I don’t know about Chal, but I don’t feel safe sharing my feelings.”
“I guard my feelings pretty closely,” Chal said with a hint of sadness. “It wasn’t always this way, but it’s where things have gotten.”
“I’d like to replay your opening discussion utilizing some tools I’ve discovered along the way. Are you game?” I asked.
“Sure,” they both said with a bit of eagerness. Most couples want direction and are willing to try anything new that will bring closeness and renewed intimacy. I was excited to share this recipe with them.
“Okay,” I said, grabbing a piece of paper. “Here’s the recipe: first, I want you to share your feelings, followed by the need that gave rise to your feelings, followed by a request for a behavior change in the future. Let me offer an illustration.”
“Last week I came home an hour late, keeping my wife waiting and dinner growing cold.”
“Oh, oh,” Chal said smiling. “I’m guessing that didn’t go well.”
“Yes, and no,” I said. “Christie asked me to sit down and said to me: David, I feel irritated with you for coming home an hour late without calling. I have a need for respect and I felt disrespected. I ask that in the future you call me if you’re going to be late.”
“I felt a twinge of defensiveness at first,” I said, “but by Christie sharing her feelings, and the need she has, coupled with a request for the future, it was fairly easy for me to respond positively. Notice that she didn’t scold or blame me. She didn’t say anything to escalate the situation. She shared from her most vulnerable self, making it easier for me to respond positively.”
“Now you’re going to want us to try, right?” Chal said smiling.
“You got it,” I said. “Let’s give it a go. It may take some practice to get this, but you guys will be excited with the results.”
“Okay,” Chal said. “Here goes. Karen, I feel hurt when you give me the silent treatment.”
“Hold it, Chal,” I said. “Let’s not label her behavior. Can you simply describe what you noticed without judging it?”
“Sure. Okay, I feel hurt when you withdraw into silence, because I have a need for connection. In the future I ask you to share what you’re feeling and what you need, and if you have a need for space, you share with me that is what you’re doing.”
“What do you think, Karen?” I asked. “Can you respond with what you heard, and validate Chal’s feelings?”
“I think so,” Karen said haltingly. “I can see why you would feel hurt if I withdraw without talking to you. I don’t want to hurt you, so I’ll let you know what’s happening with me if I need some space.”
“Excellent you guys. Now Karen, do you want to give the feel, need, request recipe a shot?”
“Chal, I feel demeaned at the way you talk to me at times, because I have a need to be talked to with respect. I ask in the future that you talk respectfully to me and not talk disrespectfully.”
“Almost perfect,” I said. “Great start. I suggest stopping with the positive request, and not adding what you don’t want, and sticking with something positive that you do want in the future. Chal, can you respond with what you heard?”
“Sure. Karen, you feel demeaned when I’m sarcastic with you, because you have a need to be talked to respectfully. In the future you ask that I talk respectfully to you, or else you’re going to give me the silent treatment. Just kidding,” Chal said smiling. “I think I get this.”
“I like this new way of talking,” Karen said. “I’m not sure we’ll get it right the first time, but we can practice it.”
“Let me just summarize it again for you, though you guys did great. Here it is:
1. Share your feelings. A feeling statement must be followed by an emotion, not a judgement or interpretation of the other’s behaviors. “I feel hurt, angry, frustrated, belittled, or something like that.”
2. Share your personal need that gave rise to the feeling. I feel hurt by such and such behavior, because I have a need for such and such.
3. Share a positive request for the future. Keep it out of the past, or making a judgment about your mate’s behavior. Most of the time your mate is going to agree on the requested change.
4. Finally, notice how talking this way gets you out of combative, argumentative ‘courtroom’ actions and into ‘sanctuary’ conditions. You’ll love the results of talking to each other this way.
Do you find yourself slipping into power struggles with your mate, arguing over anything and everything? It is easy to slip into ‘courtroom’ behavior, when we’re anxious to feel safe and loved, relaxed by ‘sanctuary’ acceptance and vulnerability.
Don’t expect overnight success, but rather slow, gradual progress.
I’d love to hear how these tools, which I teach to couples, work for you. Please write to me and let me know the results of these new skills. Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at mailto:TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage as well.