“I don’t know what she expects from me,” Stan said angrily. “She keeps setting the bar higher, and I’ll never live up to her expectations.”
Stan’s wife, Cindy, shrugged her shoulders, turning away in frustration.
“He always says that,” she said firmly. “He should know that coming to two counseling sessions isn’t enough to save our marriage. It took us ten years to get to where we are now, and he expects that a couple of sessions should heal our relationship?”
“I’m not coming here for the next ten years,” Stan said with obvious irritation. “I said I would come a few times, and I’ve done that. I don’t see anything miraculous happening. It sure hasn’t changed you, so I don’t know that I want to spend my time doing this.”
“You see what I mean?” Cindy said, looking over at me. “It took an act of Congress to get him in the door, and I doubt he’ll be back. Then what will I do?”
“What did you expect from counseling?” I asked Stan. “You seem very reluctant to be here.”
“Look, Doc,” Stan began. “Nothing personal, but I don’t care for doctors. I don’t think we need this and the cost and time away from my work. It’s just not easy to attend these sessions. And, frankly, I hoped that a few hours of counseling would make a bigger difference.”
“I understand, Stan,” I said. “Many people don’t know what to expect from counseling. Then they come to a few sessions not sure of what to expect, and when something miraculous doesn’t take place, they drop out. It’s really too bad, because with the right therapist, wonderful changes can happen.”
“Hmm,” he said, clearly unimpressed.
“I’ve had good experiences in counseling,” Cindy said brightly. “Once several years ago I was depressed, and a psychologist really helped me get past that. I think you can help us too, but he’s got to give it a chance. I know an hour here and there won’t do us much good.”
“What exactly would you like to see changed?” I asked Stan.
“I don’t know,” he said slowly. “If you couldn’t tell, this really wasn’t my idea.”
“Yeah,” I said, smiling. “That didn’t escape me. But, you must have some idea of what you’d like to see changed. One of the ways for us to make progress is to have clear goals in mind. We have to work as a team. If we do that, we’ll have a better chance of you leaving satisfied.”
“I’ll think about it,” Stan said. “Maybe, if I decide to come back, I’ll have a better idea of what I’d like to have different. No commitment though.”
“How about you, Cindy?” I asked. “What do you want to see changed?”
“I’m sure I want more than Stan, and I’m willing to work with you more intensively so we get quicker and deeper results. I’d like to improve how we communicate with each other, and change the ways we deal with conflict. I want more intimacy. I want a healthier marriage.”
“See,” Stan said, finally beginning to warm up. “The list goes on and on.”
“It is quite a list, Stan,” I said. “But, the problems she’s referring to aren’t going away. If you don’t deal with them now, you’ll have to deal with them later. You can avoid these issues only so long. Make sense?”
“I suppose,” he said cautiously.
We continued to talk about counseling and the expectations both brought to the session. Clearly Cindy had given counseling more thought, and had an earlier positive experience to help her with a optimistic attitude. Stan wasn’t sure what to expect, and his lack of clarity created an additional obstacle to progress. It was going to be tough to motivate him to return.
Given the emails and phone calls I receive, many are confused about what to expect from counseling, how to approach the counseling process, and how to choose a professional. Here are some things to consider when considering seeking professional help:
1. What exactly do you want to accomplish? With clearer goals you’re more likely to achieve a positive outcome. A skilled clinician will help you define your therapeutic goals and discuss ways to achieve success. They should be able to give you assignments to perform to help you acquire the skills you need to be happier and healthier;
2. How acute are the problems? The more acute the situation, the sooner you need intervention. Time is of the essence for some problems. Putting off seeing a therapist aggravates many emotional problems;
3. How longstanding are the problems? If your problems are longstanding in nature, you’ll need longer and more extensive work. Character issues, for example, don’t change easily and require longer-term work. The deeper the issues, the more you need to prepare for depth work with a skilled clinician;
4. Am I willing to invest the required time and energy for the sought-after change? The greater your goals, the more extensive work is required. Adjustment issues are often improved with short-term therapy, while more entrenched patterns of troubled relating require more in-depth counseling. Dysfunctional patterns of relating may require more extensive and more frequent sessions. Work done outside the counseling office positively amplifies the work done in the counseling session;
5. Are my problems associated with my personality or adjustment to environmental issues, or are they associated with my primary relationship? Determining if the problems are with “me” or “us,” or a combination of both, is a critical decision to deciding what kind of counseling is needed. Some problems require individual counseling, while many relationship problems respond effectively to marriage counseling;
6. What kinds of services are available in my area? Unfortunately, you may have limitations in where and with whom you can seek services. Do your research to find out the qualifications of the counselors/ psychologists in your area, and what specialties they have. If you want someone who knows about children, seek a children’s therapist. If you need someone skilled in relationship counseling, seek a seasoned marriage counselor.
Are you confused about what kinds of services you need? I’m happy to answer questions about counseling and what might be helpful for you. We’d love to hear what has helped and what kinds of experiences have not been beneficial. Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find podcasts on codependency and affair-proofing your marriage as well.