“How could he do this to me?” Shari screamed. “How could he possibly walk out on me after ten years of marriage, without ever giving us a chance?”
I could hear her crying on the other end of the line. I had talked to her husband and had now heard both sides of the story. I knew her husband left because he felt desperate to rebuild his life after being betrayed by Shari a few years earlier.
“Shari,” I said softly, “Ben did give the marriage a chance. He tried, but perhaps not as long or as hard as you’d like him to. But, you can’t control his decision to leave.”
“I can’t believe you’re saying that?” she shrieked. “He gave what a chance? You can’t tell me he gave us a chance. He walked out and hasn’t looked back. He didn’t care about our marriage at all. He’s heartless and I’ll never forgive him for that.”
The accusations continued, fast and furious as Shari released some of her pent-up rage and hurt. However, as quickly as she shared her anger, she admitted that she could not get over the fact that her husband had been gone for six months now and seemed to have little intention of returning. All the while, Shari seemed stuck in the litany of grudges she held against him.
“Shari,” I said, hoping I could reason with her, “you say he is heartless and yet you’re desperate to have him back. You talk as if he is the only one to have done anything wrong in the marriage.”
There was silence now on the line.
“I guess I don’t really think he’s heartless,” she said, crying again. “I just don’t know how to go on with my life. Isn’t there anything I can do to make him come back to me?”
“No, Shari,” I said. “You cannot make him do anything. You cannot make him come back. You can’t make him say he’s sorry for breaking your heart. You cannot make him take back the hurtful things he has said.”
“But I hate that,” she said as I heard the thud of her pounding her fist on the table.
“Yes, I would hate it too.”
“What do I do Dr. David?” Shari said anxiously.
This is a question of many who call or write to me. Caught in the throes of a situation they never imagined, they reach out in desperation. They want to have a life back.
“There is only one thing to do, Shari.”
“What’s that?”
“Rebuild your life, one piece at a time. It won’t be easy, and it won’t happen overnight. But, in time you can learn to forgive Ben for walking out. You can forgive him for the harsh words he said to you when he left. You can learn to allow God to mend your heart so you can love again. Maybe it will be with Ben, and maybe it won’t.”
“Tell me how,” Shari said. “I don’t mean to sound dumb, but I can’t see how. I don’t know how to forgive him, and I sure don’t know how to move forward with my life.”
Together Shari and I talked out the steps of forgiveness and healing. She took notes that she would use as a roadmap when her feelings overwhelmed her. Here are some action steps she created for herself:
1. Surround myself with support. She would need the love and caring of friends and family for those lonely nights that would surely come.
2. Practice keeping the issues in perspective. Problems, as overwhelming as they are, are temporary. We must move forward one step at a time.
3. Let go of victim/ villain thinking. There is no one to blame. Relationship failures are almost always the work of two people. Focusing on what the other person has done keeps you stuck, and stops you from looking at your part of the equation.
4. Forgive others for their weaknesses and failures. Everyone is human—very human. They are capable of letting us down, even though we never expect them to. Understand that you are capable of the very actions you resent in others.
5. View the larger picture. Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. When we can see them in larger terms, it’s easier to forgive them for being human.
6. Focus on your new life. Look around and imagine what kind of life you want to create. You are the artist and your life is a large canvas. Do you want to go back to school? Do you want to make new friends? You have one precious life to live. What will you do with it?
Forgiveness is a magnanimous act of grace. While forgiveness is something you extend to others, you benefit greatly from it. Is there someone in your life you harbor resentment for? Let it go!
Are you stuck in resentment? If so, I’d like to hear from you. Do you blame your mate for the crises? Look deeper. How are you contributing to the lack of forgiveness in your life? Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com.