As if there is not enough panic and negative press bombarding us from the outside, the last thing we need is tension and anxiety meeting us at the door when we arrive home to our castle.
Yet, for as much as we’d like to think, “my home is my castle,” moat firmly established to keep away intruders, many of us live with conflict inside the castle. Do you arrive home, securing the drawbridge, only to be met by your mate, poised for battle?
“New day, same old issue,” is what one woman said to me the other day at The Marriage Recovery Center. She and her husband had flown into Seattle from Tennessee after talking to me by phone, in the hope that I could help them end cycles of conflict.
I had shared with her that marriage was intended to be a safe haven, relatively free from conflict. While they would naturally experience periodic disruptions in their loving relationship, I assured her, continual fighting was not anything like what God intended for her and her husband.
In fact, I repeatedly tell couples their marriage should be like a series bridges spanning from intimacy and warmth to more intimacy and warmth, interspersed with small islands of conflict. Too many couples have it reversed: long bridge spans of conflict interrupted by the small islands of intimacy. Relationships cannot survive or thrive under the weight of such conflict and crises—there must be long periods of warmth, trust and stability for any relationship to thrive.
Consider a few words from Scripture on the topic:
• “The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.” (Proverbs 15: 2)
• “The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.” (Proverbs 13: 28)
• “But I tell you that men will have to give an account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be condemned.” (Matthew 12: 37)
These are strong words of caution to all of us. Our words have the power not only to tear down a marriage, but to destroy a person—hence God’s strong warnings on how we conduct ourselves and the words we use.
Consider this email from a woman who is extremely frustrated by the ongoing crises in her marriage:
Dear Dr. David. My marriage seems to go from one crisis to another. I can hardly take a breath and enjoy life before my husband and I are at it again fighting. He tells me it is normal to have conflict, but I can’t stand this much. One day we’re fighting about our finances, the next it’s about our children and stepchildren. One time he doesn’t like how I clean the house, and I’ve got to admit, I feel like picking at him because he picks on me. Is this really the way marriage is supposed to be? If it is, I’m not sure I want to be married.
I’m at my wit’s end. How in the world can we stop this endless cycle of fighting?
--Exhausted
You are certainly not alone living from crisis to crisis. Many people seem caught in an endless loop of fighting, and in fact “living in crisis” seems to become the norm rather than the exception.
I’m very glad you’re exhausted—not because I want you to be tired, but because I want your “chaos detector” to note that things are not the way they should be. We were not created to tear down, but to build up. We weren’t created to worry about what we’re going to fight about today, but to live in the sweet fellowship of intimacy and safety with our mate. So, keep your radar on and sound the alarm—the final alarm that says “We’re not going to keep living this way.” But, what to do? Here are a few crisis-ending strategies:
First, decide that living in crisis is not normal, nor is it how you’re going to live. The beginning steps to change always begin with uneasiness, tension and doubt about the next course of action. Recognize that to be normal, and understand that the following steps won’t be easy, but will take you to a healthier place of relating.
Second, insist with your husband that “doing what we’ve always done will get you what you’ve always got,” and that’s not good enough for you and the vision you have for your marriage. Enlist him in the process of change. Brainstorm with him about radically changing the way you relate to each other. Speak softly, letting him know you are ready to have change begin with YOU—and hope he will join you.
Third, create a new plan. Desire without specific plans is sure to fail. Sit with your husband and outline the kind of relationship you wish to have: healthy conflict; resolution of problems; peaceful living; loving encounters; adventure; fun and spontaneity—for starters.
These are general goals. A more specific action plan includes:
• Admitting you’re in a crisis, and that involves “crisis thinking”;
• Not saying anything hurtful to your mate;
• Putting “hot” issues aside until with a professional;
• Noticing and commenting on small positive changes;
Fourth, with the assistance of a trained professional, learn how to have healthy interactions where problems are solved. You cannot do this work alone. Find the best professional you can afford and get to work. Learn the skills of healthy communication, eliminating defensiveness, active listening, sharing feelings without judging, negotiation.
Fifth, don’t think the grass is greener across the way. It’s not true. You need to learn these skills wherever you are, and your marriage is a great place to learn them. Wherever you go, there you are, so don’t try running away. Stay and encourage your husband to work hard with you. Model these skills and he’ll pick up the pace.
Finally, stick with it. These are skills you must learn and then practice, over and over again. There will be backsliding—expect it. Forgive and move forward. Learning these tools won’t come easy—don’t expect it. But, step-by-step, you can move from the land of perpetual crises to peaceful relating.
Remember what I’ve been sharing in my blogs—emotions are contagious. If you are a crisis-junkie, you’ll create crises wherever you go. If you wish to stir up peace in others, you can do so. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15: 1) Promote peace.
Are you living from crisis to crisis? If so, I’d like to hear from you. Do you blame your mate for the crises? Look deeper. How are you contributing to the anger in your marriage? Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at http://TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com.