These are tough times, by anyone’s standards. Every one seems to be worried about the economy, their job and most certainly their future.
Imagine, however, the plight of the men and women clinging tenaciously to their jobs and dwindling savings while their mate seems oblivious to the economic crunch. It’s no fun lying awake worried about how the next heating bill will be paid, and wondering if your mate will help out in any way to make ends meets.
While this scenario may seem preposterous to you, it occurs every day in thousands of homes. Spending addiction, or the addiction to accumulation, doesn’t slow down just because the economy has taken a turn. Likewise screaming, fighting and even shaming your mate about their behavior doesn’t work either.
What makes this scenario even more crazy is the media and marketing experts working overtime to get you to pry loose of that hard-earned cash. Television networks rivet us with “deals” tempting all of us, especially the spending addict.
Consider this email from a man who is at his wit’s end about his wife’s spending.
Dear Dr. David. My wife seems to never answer any direct question, especially when it comes to money and her spending. She can’t answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to anything relative to her spending actions. She diffuses, deflects, redirects, attacks, gets angry, manipulates, blames, changes subjects, and can talk about an issue at great length (until sufficiently far from it) but never to the issue.
The last issue was that she wants, or has already made a commitment to purchase granite countertops for our kitchen. Times are tough. This is expensive. We’ve had layoffs at work and I’m fortunate to have a job still and there’s no turn around in sight. We are already way too much in debt because of her shopping, and because of a business that floundered. She takes her tiny paycheck and hides it, having done so for years, and expects me to pay for everything. I finally told her that if she gets them, I’m leaving. She went to the back kitchen door, opened it, and waved as if to usher, “There’s the door”, which she has in fact said often over the years at different times.
I’m at my wit’s end. What should I do if she buys these countertops?
First, the issue is not the countertops. The issue is about her apparent spending addiction and about the fact that you two are caught in a power struggle. You push against her while she fights back. You make threats and she calls your bluff. The power struggle must end and you must determine if she indeed has a spending addiction.
Second, let’s address the spending addiction. In short, an addiction is any action we continue, often compulsively, to the detriment of any aspect of our life. This action often continues secretively because of shame and guilt. It creates chaos in the life of the addict as well as their mate and family. Using those guidelines, she certainly appears to be addicted to spending.
Third, are you approaching your wife in a loving manner. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15: 1) Your approach to this problem may be part and parcel of the problem. If your wife feels controlled or manipulated, she may push against you even more forcefully. Have you engaged her in a cooperative relationship? Does she feel that you are on her side? Shame and guilt are not motivators for change.
One of the primary issues facing most couples coming to The Marriage Recovery Center concerns power struggles. One tries to force the other to change. Of course this tactic not only doesn’t work, but often ignites rebellion in their mate. This pattern of interacting must change.
Fourth, never set a boundary you aren’t willing to enforce. Rather than getting caught in an endless battle of “catching her” at her addiction, engaging in endless battles, choose your boundaries. What are you willing to tolerate, and what are you willing to draw the line over? For example, are you willing to insist on counseling together to address your communication patterns and the apparent spending addiction? Remember, “a boundary without consequences is not a boundary. It is a wish and a hope, but not a true boundary.
Fifth, seek counseling. You cannot solve these problems alone. You need professional help to solve these complex issues. A good counselor will help you unravel your power struggles and teach you healthy communication skills.
In addition to counseling, perhaps there is a support group in your community that will help hold you both accountable for change. There are countless other couples in your church and community struggling with the same issues who have traveled the same path and have found answers. While it may be tempting to keep these issues quiet, this is hurtful to your goals. We all need to have others view our lives and know our issues. A few key selected individuals may be all it takes to curb behavior that is out of control.
Finally, having set the boundary, be prepared with consequences. Hopefully she will agree on boundaries with you, assuming you’ve approached her in an adult-like, reasonable manner. For example, if she spends beyond the agreed limit, perhaps she will surrender her checkbook. Or, if she breaks an agreement more than twice, she enter a group for those addicted to substances and processes.
Remember, “doing the same thing and expecting different results” is the definition of insanity. Neither you nor your wife are insane, so change the dance. As I’ve noted in my book, Dealing With The CrazyMakers in Your Life, changing dysfunctional patterns of relating is difficult, but well worth it. Instead of being reactive, be proactive. Instead of fighting against your wife, enlist her in solutions that will help her feel in control of her spending, and both of you on the road to marriage recovery.
Are you in a marriage where there is over-spending or crazymaking? We’d love to hear from you. Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com.