“Why did you do that?” Kathy angrily asked her husband Donald, who was sitting a few feet away from her at The Marriage Recovery Center. They had come to me to get help unraveling many challenges in their marriage. “Why did you spend that money you knew we were saving for our trip?” she continued.
Feeling defensive, Donald snapped back. “It was only two hundred dollars and I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal.”
“How can you possibly say that?” Kathy continued. “That’s crazy. We talked just last week about not spending another dime before our trip.”
Shifting back and forth uneasily in his chair, Donald continued to offer excuses, clearly becoming more agitated.
“I just didn’t think it was that big of a deal. I knew you didn’t want me to spend a thousand dollars. But, two hundred? C’mon.”
“C’mon nothing!” Kathy said, her voice filled with anger. “This is the kind of cat and mouse game I’m sick of. We make agreements and you break them. We have an understanding, and you break it. We talk about something and later it’s like I wasn’t in the conversation.”
I became increasingly concerned watching Kathy try to pin down Donald. She made accusations, while he defended himself. She tried to get answers while he offered excuse after excuse.
This process is what I’ve called crazymaking in my book, Dealing With The CrazyMakers in Your Life. It is sadly very common, and the process can make your head swim or worse, make you feel like you’re going crazy.
A recent letter from a man illustrates this very process of excuses, rationalizations and justifications and the impact they have on a marriage.
Dr. David. My wife is addicted to credit cards and spending. She really doesn’t spend all that much money, but when I ask her why she spent money we agreed she wouldn’t spend, she gives me a bunch of excuses. When I ask her why she just can’t own up to what she’s doing, she justifies her behavior. This makes me angrier and then she jumps on me for being angry. I can’t seem to win and we end up in these endless battles. I’m not sure anymore if I’m the one at fault or if she is. If we agree to curb our spending and then she spends more money, doesn’t she know she’s wrong? When I confront her about her spending, don’t I have a right to be angry? Please help me sort out this mess.
--Tired of Excuses
This letter is similar to hundreds of others I receive from couples caught in the endless struggle to take responsibility for one’s actions. Let’s consider this man’s plight, along with the interaction I cited about Donald and Kathy.
Let’s first look closely at Kathy and Donald’s interaction and see what we can learn from it. Perhaps you’ll notice yourself in their interactions discover some tools for avoiding the trap they found themselves in.
First, notice how Kathy approaches with accusatory language and tone. While I am in no way justifying Donald’s actions, approaching your mate with an accusation will almost always lead to a defensive response. When faced with a threat we will nearly always find a way to protect ourselves. Timing and approach are critical to resolving issues of failed responsibility.
Second, notice Donald’s defensive response. Kathy starts escalation and Donald adds to it. He makes an excuse for his actions. While we don’t know if it was an honest misunderstanding, Kathy suggests this is a pattern in their marriage. Defensiveness almost always leads to further escalation.
Third, Kathy uses shaming behavior to attempt to force Donald to take responsibility for his actions. Shame never works to achieve what we want. In this case, Kathy’s use of shame only creates more defensiveness in Donald. Feeling increasingly threatened, Donald becomes more agitated and the power struggle continues. Kathy tries to force Donald to accept her point of view, he resists, and they fail to work together to arrive at a solution.
Fourth, anger and defensiveness never work. Anger almost constricts our views, leading to feelings of righteous indignation and efforts to shame our mate. These qualities and emotions rarely help us get to the bottom of things.
In the case of Donald and Kathy, as well as the man whose wife overspends, fighting about an issue rarely leads to a solution. The Scriptures implore us to “come, let us reason together.”
What does this look like? This means two reasonable people must approach an issue, talking out the problem. Does it mean we tolerate violations of agreements? Of course not. In those cases it is reasonable for there to be consequences for irresponsible actions. It is reasonable for Donald to have to explain his decision and for him to make amends to Kathy for any breach of trust. It is also reasonable for more decisive action to be taken with the woman who overspends with the credit cards. But, it is NOT reasonable to shame, accuse, defend and debate these issues.
Do you find yourself in “round robin” conversations? Look closely to see if you are using tactics that escalate the situation such as accusations, shame or power struggles. On the flip side, when confronted do you offer excuses, rationalizations and justifications, rather than own up to wrongdoing? You may be getting “hooked” and need to learn how to hold one another accountable for agreements made. I will be writing more about the power of accountability in forthcoming blogs.
Are you in a marriage where there is crazymaking? We’d love to hear from you. Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.YourRelationshipDoctor