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Marriage 911

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Dr. David Hawkins is the director of The Marriage Recovery Center and has been helping couples in crisis restore and revitalize their relationships for more than 30 years.

At The Marriage Recovery Center, Dr. Hawkins promotes '3 Days To a New Marriage, Guaranteed!' Contact TMRC for a free 20-minute consultation.

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Living with an Angry Woman

Most of us learned it in one form or another in Kindergarten: The Golden Rule. It comes straight from Scripture: “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” (Matthew 7: 12)
This is powerful stuff, and it is a meaty lesson for our lives.

We are to respect others. Always. We are to treat others honorably. We are to be kind, compassionate and tenderhearted.
The Apostle Paul adds to this counsel when he says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.” (Philippians 2: 3)

A thorough reading of Scripture admonishes again and again to be peace-loving people, always seeking to treat others with respect. This position of humility and mutual respect is never truer than in marriage. Yet, marriage is often the place where our darker sides come out.

I’ve written about abuse and violence many times in the past, and still receive emails daily with horrific accounts of disrespectful and abusive treatment. Disrespect in marriage is a common theme of those who write or come to work with me at The Marriage Recovery Center.

One writer recently took me to task for focusing on abuse in men, while seeming to ignore abuse in women. He felt that I ignored the impact angry women can have on their husband. As a response, I decided to print this recent email.

Dr. David. My wife has always been moody, but lately she seems even more irrational. Anything I say seems to set her off. One day she seems to be okay, and the next it’s like someone else has taken over. I don’t know what to make of it. I know I don’t react the best, because her moods make me upset, and I end up snapping back at her.

I’ve been reading your articles and you seem to focus on men being angry. What should happen if it’s your wife? What should a man do if he feels that his wife gets angry for no reason? What if the man doesn’t feel like he is respected? To be honest, I’m ready to give up because I can’t be enough for her. Everything I do is wrong and I’ve asked her why she wants to stay with a man who she sees as having so many problems. She constantly criticizes me, and then wonders why I don’t want to be close to her.

Dr. David. I think you should make it clear that women also have anger problems. You need to also let women know that men must feel respected by their wife. If they feel they have lost their wife’s respect, it won’t be long before they feel like leaving, which is the case for me.
         --A Discouraged Man

First, this email confirms abuse and disrespect occurs with both men and women. While the statistics still point to men reverting to physical abuse more frequently than women, many women have also learned how to be emotionally abusive and disrespectful of men. Abuse is no respecter of gender. Women may not be overtly violent as frequently as men, but many women have learned ways to express anger passive-aggressively through criticism, moodiness and irritability.

Second, any form of disrespect is intolerable. As noted in the above Scriptures, our marriage should be a safe haven, a place of refuge from the struggles in our world. Marriage should be a place where we are accepted and appreciated, not denigrated and disrespected.

Because disrespect is intolerable, it is critical that you set boundaries on it. When your wife criticizes you, don’t snap back. Rather, let her know firmly that you will respond to her only when she talks respectfully to you.

Third, explore underlying reasons for her anger and moodiness. These symptoms sound consistent with unhappiness and possible depression. Could it be that she feels rejected by you? Are there plausible hormonal explanations that should be considered and explored? Though she has inadvertently created a world where you push her away, still this cannot feel good to her. Might it also be possible that she is overwhelmed with responsibility, tired or discouraged herself? Can you take the “higher road” and help her explore why she is so unhappy?

Finally, seek professional help. Yes, I promote professional help frequently, mostly because we don’t do well at solving our own problems. In your case, these problems are bigger than both of you. Your wife must learn that she is sabotaging her marriage. Before letting the walls of distrust and frustration get any higher, and you consider throwing your marriage away, take more decisive action. Set limits on your wife’s behavior and invite her into a counseling process.  

Are you in a marriage where you feel disrespected? We’d love to hear from you. Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com.

Print      Email to a Friend    posted on Tuesday, March 03, 2009 3:40 PM

Comments on this post

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

I agree with the Dr. Don't give up, that's what satan wants you to do, definitely set limits, and let her know you only expect to be respected as she does, nobody deserved to be treated that way, But also know people cant change over night, as long as she truly tries, don't give up, good luck, May God restore your marriage, to peace and harmony. xoxoxoxoxoxo
Left by Ophelia on Mar 03, 2009 7:16 PM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

I am an Asian American. I have seen many sides of the cultural aspects of marriage among the races. In the Asian culture, the woman is mostly submissive, but acts more like the Biblical version of what a wife should be. In the American culture (esp. the Northern European white culture), the woman seems to be taught from an early age to out talk a man and demand her rights at every turn. Or am I misinformed or blind? I have seen this to be true in the majority of cases in America. From worldwide statistics, America has the highest divorce rate in the world. I think when we become Born Again, both the man and the woman should change and leave behind their worldly cultural views on marriage and follow more closely the Biblical views: husbands should treat their wives as Christ loves the church and wives should be submissive to their husbands as "unto the Lord"(but not following a man blindly, esp. if what he says and does is against the Word of God.).
Left by Rambo Katana on Mar 03, 2009 10:19 PM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

My mother was an angry woman, and I saw what it did to my father. My siblings and I tried to reach out to her to get her to see what she was doing, but we couldn't get through. An angry person is so focused on themselves and their issues and is clueless to what they are doing. I have recently listened to a radio bible study about how important it is for wives to respect their husbands. Wish she could have heard it, and maybe realized the pain she caused my dad. I am thankful that is not a pattern that I or my siblings is repeating.
Left by Jill England on Mar 04, 2009 10:15 AM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

I am what I consider an angry woman when it comes to my immediate family. I love them very much and am trying to do the best I can for them. However, I am married to a man who is withdrawn and snappy (always has been) and I have two teenage daughters. I feel like regardless of what I do for them they do not respect me or appreciate my efforts. Often I want to give up completely. I find myself feeling drained whenever I am around them and I use my anger to "insist" on compliance for the simplest things that would go undone if I hadn't used anger. Often I choose to go to my room and close the door for solice. My husband is the only one working in our home as I have a physical disability. Otherwise I probably would have left all of them. He can sometimes be abusive but he is trying to be more like a Christian. I am 43 years old.
Left by vb on Mar 05, 2009 10:54 AM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

I completely understand what it is to live with an angry woman. OK, Reader's Digest version: We were married after discovering she was pregnant. We've had a difficult life for most of our marriage and it goes without saying that both of us were responsible for some bad choices. However, after the birth of our fourth daughter my wife changed. She had always had issues with depression,(all females in her family are on anti-depressants)but this was different, a different person showed up altogether. None of us understood what was going on with her but she would just suddenly explode and curse me and berate me, a vicious verbal and emotional assault that happened many times. She had seen several psychologists and been on a number of pills but nothing worked. Then one day (after much prayer by me)she suddenly realized she didn't need it. I started following God's commands to love my wife and to show her constantly how I loved her. We began communication and today we are happier than ever.
Left by buellerplyr on Mar 05, 2009 10:49 PM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

The man wants to leave his wife for two reasons:

1. He is unhappy with her.
Leaving a bad marriage is a natural, fleshly response, but not a godly, spiritual one.

2. His heart is hard toward God.
"For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce," says Malachi 2:16. If we do things that God hates, we do not care about Him; our hearts are hard toward Him.

Is his wife committing adultery? If not, he has no grounds for leaving. Jesus instructs us in Matthew 19:9: “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”

(continued)
Left by SusieChan on Mar 06, 2009 11:24 AM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

Why is God so adamant that marriages remain intact?
1. Divorce leaves children vulnerable to ungodliness. Malachi 2:15 explains: "But did He not make them one, having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. So take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth."

2. God wants us to demonstrate in our marriages this same unconditional commitment that Jesus Christ displays toward his bride, the church, so that the world may see Jesus’ goodness and love.

Ephesians 5:31, 32 explains: "'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church."

Jesus is married to His church. Does he leave her because she displays wrong attitudes? because she is moody, sullen, and disrespectful? Will He not stay with her until the end, never leaving nor forsaking her?

And so God wants us behave.
Left by SusieChan on Mar 06, 2009 11:32 AM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

I realize that my comments above may seem self-righteous to some, but I myself live with an angry man.

I do not tolerate his anger. When he displays an outburst of extreme anger toward me, I tell him that I feel that he was disrespectful toward me. When he counters that he had a right to be angry over what I did, I agree with him that my actions were wrong and that his anger was justified. But then I point out to him that I feel he went beyond justifiable anger into abuse and disrespect.

He appreciates the respectful way I approach his outbursts, and agrees with me. He apologizes and calms down and then we discuss the issue rationally.
Left by SusieChan on Mar 06, 2009 11:54 AM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

We can find a balance between loving our mate, remaining committed to them, and yet not tolerating angry behavior. A clear, caring response that indicates angry tones or words won't be tolerated is very effective. Also remember that Scripture teaches a soft word turns away wrath. Blessings, Dr. David
Left by yourrelationshipdoctor on Mar 08, 2009 1:38 PM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

To, buellerplyr

OMG! WOW! Thank you God! Your story is so inspiring!!!! Praise be to God, that you were willing to seek God face, and fix your marriage with your wife. Im quite sure God is very proud of you. Your story reminds me of the movie "Fireproof" (I believe that is the title of the movie) it's staring Kirk Cameron. If you have not seen it, you and your family should buy it!!! I loved it!! Very inspiring, similar to your story. Keep moving in Christ love. May God bless you and your family!!!
Left by Taniere on Mar 10, 2009 2:35 AM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

SusieChan, I don't feel as if your words were "self-righteous". Everything that you stated was fact. My brothers and sister in Christ, we must understand what God wants from us, and must renew our mind, so that we are willing to obey His commands. God hates divorce, whatever He put together let no man take apart. Some of us think that since Moses approved of divorce/remarriage, that it is okay, this my family is WRONG!! and a Lie straight out of hell. Jesus tells us that divorce/remarriage is adultery, and we can all agree that adultery is a sin!! (Matthew 19:9). Jesus also goes on to say that Moses legalized divorce, because "their hearts were hard". Lets lead the world, not fall into the world. Marriage IS forever and meant to honor and glorify God!
Left by Taniere on Mar 10, 2009 3:28 AM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

i am an angry woman and i am a christian, and i cant understand how i can be this person in my home when outside the home i am seen and feel differently. i know its wrong to become
inraged and lash out at my spouse. i am a 40 year old with 4 children son 21, twins boys 19, and a new one 7 months girl. i live with a functional alcoholic, and for 21 years i have endured so much, i cant get him to understand what it feels like to live with this disease , he is a good man other wise when sober, he loves me and the kids no doubt but cant see the damage, only my anger. he has
admitted having the disease but refuses to get help thinking it makes him a failer and is afraid of the humiliation of others knowing, but down deep he knows everyone knows.i am angry because i married unequely yoked and i new better.he beleives in god but questions it all .i pray every day for healing but as soon as i feel disrespectd by his neglect i lash out again.i have faith but im disscouraged. sincerely sher
Left by sher on Mar 11, 2009 2:39 PM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

My name is Ruth and I am a domestic violence counselor. Over the past 8 plus years I have worked with many women and a few men regarding domestic violence.
The very God given potential that we have to work with our spouse has been polluted by the world. The world says that 'I' must have 'my' way.
I have seen an increase in women who are so demanding and emotionally abusive to their boyfriends and husbands.
It is a dance to work with such a woman. She does not deserve to hit but she does not have the right to 'step into his territoy' and become abusive.
Left by Ruth on Mar 16, 2009 6:53 PM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

honestly i feel like screaming for help!
Me and my wife are fresh couple married for one year now. I constantly make my wife angry, with a things that i do she says to me it is because of me she is angry and not happy, and i always bring the worse in her pointing to me that in previous relationship a man she was with was inspiring her and was more mature than me, she often regrets being married to me even couple of times taking rings off... What i've done to deserve this well a lot i often have trouble with keeping things private that means i talk to people around me a lot more than i should do revealing things that she wants to keep private. Problem is i never used to be so secretive person and keep everything to myself what i can do about it as we are close to divorce and i really want to save my marriage as i love her so much. I am afraid that i will never change and i became so apologetic about everything that i do, I feel so clueless, and i feel like everything bad is my fault.
Left by worried_husband on Mar 20, 2009 8:09 AM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

hi , this is the second response to living with and angry woman. i am an angry woman and
i pray everyday for Gods help, i have been more aware of my actions lately and i realize i cant change my husband only God can, so does
that mean i cant change myself only God can?\
are these comments just read or is there someone reading out there that can really help . still discouraged but i know i am blessed to have my family safe and healthy.
whos listening anyone? sincerely sher
Left by sher on Mar 26, 2009 4:42 PM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

in response to worried husband, I am experiencing both sides of your story. I used to get upset with my husband and take off my ring too, I think mainly to provoke some kind of reaction from him, rather than wanting to actually leave. (I know that is not the right thing to do) And I have done what you say you do, talking to my family and telling them things, when he finds out he gets upset with me. I think I do that because I want help in dealing with some of the things we're going thru and can't talk to him about it, & I NEED to talk to someone. I also feel like I am constantly at fault, I get blamed for everything, when we disagree he accuses me of starting an argument, and it's always me starting it, never him. I don't understand how this can be, because I know it takes 2 people to argue. I am at a loss as to how to continue as well.
Left by srt on Mar 29, 2009 4:16 PM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

In response to sher's post on 3-26. Someone is listening. I don't know if I can really help, maybe only share some thoughts. You are right, only God can change your husband, and I would also think that would mean only God can change you too. Have you read "Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian? This was a really good book, very insightful & helpful.
Left by srt on Mar 30, 2009 10:50 AM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

The Bible says, "be angry but sin not" Getting mad at your spouse does not resolve issues.I have found its best to ask the Holy spirit to keep a lock on my lips at times when my husband gets verbally abusive and disrespectful. when he has calmed down,i let him know how he hurt my feelings and we work it out from there. A christian has no moral justifications for been angry with his or her spouse.the bible makes it clear that anger lies in the bossom of fools, and since i refuse to be a fool, i ask the holy spirit to help me at all times and he does. we may be in the world, but we are for Christ, and so our life should reflect Christ in all areas. May god grant us the grace to live right.
Left by emmer on Apr 02, 2009 4:12 AM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

I was a angry woman in my marriage also. I remember times where I would say I am not going to do that and as soon as my husband walked thru the door I would start. I watched my mother be abused by my father verbally and physically and told myself I would never let that happen to me. I am not physically abusive but am verbally abusive when things do not go my way. I ended up getting a divorce and my husband did not want to but I had to show him. I am a christian but I do not know to this day why I did this. I have been divorce now since 1994 and never remarried. He is remarried and happy. I think I am not supposed to get married again because of my actions and I pray everyday for God to forgive me and what I did but I guess I have not forgive myself. I am now 50 years old and I am happy for the most part with my children and my job but I think I am not supposed to get married again and have been afraid for a long time.
Left by Penne on Apr 12, 2009 12:15 AM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

Does God put together ALL marriages? NO.Does God tolerate a spouse physically or verbal on a spouse? NO. So why do people treat divorce like it's the unpardonable sin? Did Jesus treat the women at the well that way? Is his blood not strong enough to cleanse & heal spouses & children of divorce? I have been verbally abused by my wife for 6 years now, and cheated on twice. I always felt like it was my fault.I can't hit my wife, nor will I yell back as much as I should. I have 2 kids who watch us fight, or watch my wife demoralize me all the time. My 7 year old has seen and heard enough. Now I am having health problems due to the constant stress I am put under at home. So if I leave now I still have to pay child support and live poor. So I lose either way. My heart is for my wife & kids, but my home, is a not a God centered home, but a wife centered home. Me leaving for good is not done out of selfishness or hard-heartedness. I will pay her about $700 of Child Support in order to "LIVE"
Left by krystsyde on Aug 31, 2009 4:20 AM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

I can understand all of these comments for I feel the same way and wish I could get some help. Being with someone who constantly criticizes everything you do is overwhelming and you feel as if you are walking around eggshells every step of the way. You can never do anything to please the person not that one should live that way completely. I can never even decide what songs to sing at church because they are all wrong or they were already used at last weeks service. Getting criticized for every little thing from dropping clean water on the floor to not doing things her way because her way is always the best way. I am so sick of it. I feel as if I have no separate personality. When I chose to complain about something such as having an ordered bed with no clothing and other stuff on it, she says that she is the one who cleans, which is not true because I also do the dishes and clean the bathroom and we don't have children and our house is very small.I just think she is a control freak.
Left by JJ on Sep 16, 2009 3:46 PM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

Angry women/ angry men are angry because they are not following God, as they should.
Before Christ came into my life, I was an angry person, but thank God that heavy heavy burden has been removed and replaced with joy! His joy!
Angry people Look to Him, give Him your problems, fears, and pain. He will exchange it all for his joy. what a steal, lol. Amen
Wow God you are awesome. I will praise you forever LORD!

God bless you all. I love you
Left by Taniere on Sep 26, 2009 1:14 AM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

Though this is a letter to Dr. Hawkins, I hope everybody with an idea will chip in.

--------------
Hi Dr. Hawkins,
I love your Marriage 911 blog. Thank you. I plan to post this as a comment to your blog as well.

I have an issue to consult you. My wife and I are living in Canada as immigrants from China. We have two kids 5 and 7 years old.

We got married in year 2002 after discovering she was pregnant with our first kid.

Recently she has started picking her body and flipping the little body shed-off pieces everywhere in the vehicle, while I am driving she is on the passenger seat of our van. Both of our kids are sitting on the second row. I wonder what kind of negative effect this might have on our kids.

I have reiterated to her that such behavior of hers really upsets me big time, but she would not listen and continues to do so. Whether she is defiant by choice or just can't control herself as a child can't control certain types of behavior - I am not sure.

Left by 3firelegs on Dec 13, 2009 9:47 PM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

continued......

Today at the church, while listening to preaching, she was doing this as well, picking her head and neck and parts below her neck, and then flipping whatever body parts in the congretation hall. I was embarrassed and I am sure a lot of people noticed that.

I don't know how to deal with situation. I want her to stop this childishly unrestrained behavior once and for all.

We have been to marriage counseling workshops organized by the CFC, The Chinese Families for Christ organization. And we both know that men need respect from women, while women needs love more than respect. The priorities of needs for both sexes are different. But in real life, it's hard to act it out.


The problem with China is that due to 60 years of communist and authoritarion rule, women have become so unruly for men to handle and bear with. I wrote in a blog such words:
quote----
I grew up in China in the mid-1970s.
The communist slogan we grew up with, "women hold up half the sky" ,
Left by 3firelegs on Dec 13, 2009 9:51 PM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

continued......
damaged the social relationship between men and women so much, that almost every marriage in mainland China after the communists took power in 1949 had to go through a twisted anti-Christ man-woman relationship. True, women need respect but they do need love more than respect. These women were kidnapped by the communists but were counting the ransom for the kidnapper in gratitude. It's deplorable. In family life, these women are quarrelsome, disrespectful of their mates, and are demanding things that don't belong to them, while discarding things women should chrish, such as good housewife-ing skills."
-----unquote>


I look forward to hearing from you.

Thank you.

Left by 3firelegs on Dec 13, 2009 10:03 PM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

Reading other peoples comments are always educational in any Situation if one is willing to be open to allowing the Holy Spirit to minister and lead you. I am an angry woman, not in actions but at heart.
I have been in a relationship with my husband for almost seven years. We have been married for a little over two years. I have always been a believer since a small child; God has always and will always be my number one.
In the beginning of my relationship with my husband, we both had come from some hard times and bad relationships. We had barely enough to get by on, but were so focused on allowing God to be the center point in our lives. The happiest time of my life. My husband continually told me, I had prayed and ask God for a woman like you; a woman like my aunt Mary that loved God and did the right thing.All I ever wanted in life, was not stuff, but a man that would love God the way I do, with all my heart.God showed me he was depressed and at one time suicidal.
Left by helpmate on Jun 29, 2010 12:55 AM

# Living with an Angry Woman

cont.I prayed and was his motivator and encourager everyday. He was very moody, he would withdraw, and get into a pity party. He started going to church with me; he was getting better. His dream was to open a shop; I adopted his dream. I was with him each step of the way.
He went to church with me. God blessed each step we took. The shop opened, it is a great success. We now have a second business and I have been in real estate for six years. I over compensated for him as far as going to work, because of his depression. His moodiness, would come and go, very seldom ever nice. Unfortunately my trying to protect him just made him worse, because it allowed him to stay secluded in his own little self made world.
In his worst days he would not go to work at all, for two years I opened and closed the shop seven days a week, 72 hours a week. Trying to be the good steward God commanded us to be. Salt & Light. Sort of being sheepish and afraid of any conflict.
Left by helpmate on Jun 29, 2010 1:02 AM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

cont.2-My prayer was for God to help him. To deliver him from the low self esteem and the pains of the past. THE WORD WAS WORKING –HE GOT BETTER.
Five years into our relationship, we were finding a balance where we were a team, lead by GOD! We worked so well together. We got married. Two months later his mother got sick, she moved in with us. My husband stopped going to church, the hardness came etc: The abusive words, the physical attacks, shaking me, pushing me, spitting in my face.
He had walked away from porn and said he knew it was the devil earlier in our relationship. He started it back. In the beginning it was; no one is perfect like you. Then no other woman I have ever been with cared if I did it, my brother has porn magazines in his bathroom, until now he says, I just try to hide it from you; because I know it hurts you. My spirit is wounded, how can a man not see that in a woman?
He was the one that was praying for a Christian wife, and now he does not want to walk n
Left by helpmate on Jun 29, 2010 1:04 AM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

cont.3-I know all of this is a trick of the devil but I refuse to walk away. I told him a week or so ago, I realized I could only change me, and pray that God would work in other lives around me. I said,” It is what it is.” I have been forced to detach myself from the relationship and step back. That is why he calls me an angry woman.
I pray and over the past year, I have started attacking back, and I should not have. I have asked God for forgiveness. I told my husband yesterday I was over arguing, I was over fighting, or saying mean things in return. He is so introverted his entire life is all about himself. I gave my life to give him his dream, and now he says I have done nothing to make it a reality. I work in sales, and go to that shop everyday, until lately. I am a good stewart- I do what he won't BUT How is that supposed to make me feel? Loved like Christ loves the church? I am bitter, and don't have a clue what to do, or how to get over the pain. PORN has stole my marriage.
Left by helpmate on Jun 29, 2010 1:12 AM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

Seven years of tears and prayer, I have finally reunited with my children from my previous marriage. I had custody after their mother walked out on us. Over a holiday visitation, she never returned them. Now, my ex-wife is giving the boys back to me, leaving our daughter to live with her. I am remarried for three years and my wife and I have been together for even longer now. She has cried alone and in agreement with me every step of the way.

I am concerned. I have a stressful job. I come home to my wife that is now angry. The boys are young teenagers that apparently have been raising themselves. It shows at times. We have a toddler son too. I work. I come from work and cook, clean and have to endure everyone's hooey. Talking things out only works for a fleeting moment. I grocery shop, spend all my time with everyone, which I enjoy. I am concerned for burn out and health risks that noone else seems to give any way too.

Today, I could cry... God help me
Left by concerned on Jul 15, 2010 8:58 AM

# Living with an Angry Woman

My wife and I just been married a few months ago. We met at a church programme over three years ago and became friends in the Lord. A year and half later we started courting. We courted for a year before we got married. We were both serving in a church and underwent premarital counselling course with professional Christian counsellors who been married for long themselves. They gave us sound advice on what to expect in marriage. I started seeing signs of my wife’s anger and insecurities during our courtship. I ignored as I believed she was God given, Christian and that we got along with each other. Soon after we got marriage, things, changed. My wife became moody and somehow verbally rude and negative to me, angry, sometimes physical attempts. She talks to me anyhow that I feel very disrespected and helpless.
Left by Help on Jul 20, 2010 10:08 PM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

We don’t seat together in church anymore to the point that people in church have started noticing. We don’t go to church together as much anymore as she has to work celebration service days now. We pray together at home sometimes, but it feels as if it’s just for the sake of it. I try to refer to what the scripture says in resolving problems at times, but there is always resistance in the process. When we are in public, there is a façade that everything is good, but those who spiritually discern, see what’s going on. It doesn’t feel as if we just been married, I try to show affection and as much and initiate it, but with mostly negative responses. I am burning with passion (battling with desires), and most times argue for touching her or initiating intimacy and yet we share the same bed.
Left by Help on Jul 20, 2010 10:11 PM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

I have asked if the moods etc are to do with our intimacy or financially related she says no. When I suggest for us to visit my family or relatives she refuses simply because she doesn’t feel like it. I love her so much and she says she loves me too. I am not perfect myself, but I am willing to learn to become a good godly husband.
I have been recently been released to serve in the church, but already feel my spirit weakening (I can feel it within). I have shared this with my leaders who prayerfully counselled us and praying for us daily. I have asked my wife if we could go for help, but she refuses saying we don’t need any help. I am not contemplating divorce or any negativity as I have vowed that divorce is not my potion. I made a covenant with the Lord and I am going to keep it. I have prayed and know the Lord broke all the curses that might have been spoken concerning my life.
Left by Help on Jul 20, 2010 10:13 PM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

I really want to do the best for God, a great marriage that glorifies His name, but right now I need help. Please pray for me according to James 5:15 and advice me as according to Proverbs 11:14”in a multitude of counsellors there is safety”
Thank you
Left by Help on Jul 20, 2010 10:15 PM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

Ive just found this blog and it is so insightful for me I am an angry wife me and my husband have been married for 3 years in that time he has left me more times than I can count has an unhealthy with his mother who he goes to live with every time he leaves me which she encourages he has cheated on me as well throughout our marriage he claims its not cheating because hes with these women when he leaves to go live with his mother his latest cheat is with my ex best friend we are both saved and baptized although he doesn't act like it i pray to God when he leaves to restore my marriage and bring him back home to his family then when he comes back I am so angry I cry yell at him constantly ask him for answers for why he does this to him this last for a few days then I calm down and try to get things back to normal and when I think we might work out he leaves again and claims its because he feels disrespected because of the things I say when I am angry please any and all advice needed
Left by walking by faith on Sep 12, 2010 6:17 AM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

I don't know if this is still active, or if anyone responds.

I am not sure about all this. My wife is angry a lot of the time at things I do and say. I don't intentionally do or say these things, but sometimes I do them without thinking about how they might be interpreted. When she gets angry, she'll tell me why they bothered her and I see her point and then I wonder how in the world I didn't see that in the first place. I regret the things that I have done and wonder why God isn't helping me/us.

My question is this: If I do or say something unintentionally without thinking and she gets angry, is that being disrespectful on her part, or am I getting what I deserve? If it is being disrespectful, how can I say that to her when I have done wrong and feel like I deserve it?

I have suggested counseling, but she doesn't want to go and says we tried it and it didn't help.
Left by spr on Nov 30, 2010 11:10 AM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

My heart is deeply grieved at the extent of pain & damage inflicted b/c of the abuse & disfunctions of mishandling anger.I was a victim as a child of several types of abuse.I carried that abuse into adulthood & am not only still a victim of that abuse, but inflict what I learned as a child subconciously onto those around me, thus becoming an abuser.I recognise the patterns & see the strongholds & grieve. For the results my anger brings is not the life giving fruit of the Holy Spirit I long to be produced in area of my life or the lives of my loved ones in fact just the opposite. According to Romans I am not obligated to my old sinful patterns of living, for when God adopted me as His Beloved child, I inherited His Characteristics thru Jesus my Lord. I have them, they are already mine. (Eph 2) My problem is surrendering my will to God in complete trust.The new pattern of unconditional forgiveness & love is foreign to me, but yet God insists they are the keys to my freedom from anger.
Left by chknthemilkdate on Dec 10, 2010 6:43 AM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

I am torn in two when it comes to my marriage and my 5 year old. I can't live in the situation any more because I just can't stand the anger and verbal abuse. She's promised to get help, to see someone, and hasn't. She blames me, saying it's all my fault. I'm about to pack my bags, leave, and never look back. It's almost as if "that's what she wants". I can't solve her mental challenges. In fact, I no longer wish to try. Each day I face the same anger, same abuse, same lack of ambition when it comes to my needs from her such as motherhood and to be a respecting christian wife. Her verbage is so foul, and she insists are arguing and embarassing me and my family in front of the neighbors, in front of anyone who is around. It's the saddest, most frustrating moment of my life. I feel as if I'm being pushed out of my life, that I've worked hard to create. I don't know what's to happen of my relationship with my 5 year old if I leave. I feel I will lose it. Please pray for me.
Left by dadindespair on Jan 16, 2012 10:59 PM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

Note for Living with an Angry Woman. A Christian counselor once told me he tells all of his clients to do something nice for their spouse everyday without telling them what they did. Even though he would tell each spouse that separately neither one knew he told the other the same thing. He suggested that I do that for my daughter who I was having a difficult time with years ago. She noticed all the things I did for her and was quite surprised because of all the trouble she caused. I never told her what the Christian counselor suggested. Somedays were so hard, I wanted her to move out or I was going to move out. Each time I did something for her I would say a prayer "this too is for Your Glory". Love one another. We are now best friends.
Left by marian on Jan 17, 2012 1:41 PM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

I also had and still have same problem but she turn out alot better since i change my mind set.

1. God does not detest beyond our capacity. If she gets angry, God permits that to happen and understands i am able to overcome the problem, patiently.

2. I can't expect her to be a better spouse, unless i become a better one myself. Once i become a more patient person, she becomes a more patient as well.

3. Marriage once blessed in Christ is meant to last a lifetime and God does not bless a marriage if He thinks it would not be good for both person. If something goes wrong with the marriage, God's words in bible must have ways to make it right.

These mindsets help me alot in making myself and my wife better person. Gradually i can see improvements in her. She becomes more patient person, more willing to listen to explanation. Presence of our daughter also help us refrain anger unnecessarily as we dont want her to immitate bad behaviours of ours.

Hope this helps.
Left by lightsabre on Jan 24, 2012 9:42 AM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

I understand where the poster is coming from. I feel the same way (other than leaving my wife). I notice that the behavior feed on itself , and causes both of us to be very hostile towards each other. As an example, over the past couple of years, my wife has become very short tempered... to the extent that she gets very angry... mostly raising her voice and yelling... or just walking out of the room. For the most part, i am OK with her rants but they are becoming much more frequent and for seemly small things as well as everything I have done wrong over the last fifteen years. I found this post to be very helpful. Your prayers are very welcome.
Left by John S Gentry on Jan 27, 2012 3:11 AM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

What I have found in this article is that somehow, the husband is still causing the unhappiness in his wife actions. I have recently been through a situation in my own marriage with a my own wife who has cold and reluctant and many stages in our marriage.

We have been married 20 years and she had never acted head over heals in love with me. And until recently I didn't know why. The man she was dating just before us, she was very much in love with, used her and had no intention of marrying her. Then here I came along will to give her all of that and obviously did.

I recently found out that while were dating up until 2 months prior to our marriage, she was still sleeping with this man. She has spent her entire marriage in love with this other man, I was her second choice, not the love of her life. Because I have been married before, I worked very hard to make this marriage work not, not knowing what she was feeling toward another man. Now we have three children and a home, now what?
Left by Dominck on Apr 05, 2012 2:34 PM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

continued.......

And if I choose to leave her now, I am the one who will lose my home and children, because she lied and deceived me all these years. I have three children I love very much. Also because of the way ore written, I will lose everything I worked for. And since I found out about this, she will not even apologize to me.

So I suppose because I am a man, this must all be my fault somehow?
Left by Dominck on Apr 05, 2012 2:47 PM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

Wow! I found this blog while sitting thinking after a all out verbal assault from my wife as usual. I have done alot of research around the net to try to get a solution.. I felt every word that --A Discouraged Man wrote. This is a chrisitian site so I dont feel shy about sharing my story maybe I can get some help. I have been with My wife since I was 19. we are both 40 now. She was always moody and a little fiesty which was exciting when I was young, 20 years later and 4 kids it just isnt cool anymore. I mean the long list of things that will tick her off is huge. its always something and no matter what it is always my fault. I changed alot about myself to see if the anger would change and no matter what i do it wont go away it seems to be getting worst. I have been depressed , smoking weed to escape the constant madness all the time. Today I realized it 20 years later, I dont have a career, scaping pennies.I love her but I feel I can get me together if I escape the madness
Left by JustStartOver on Apr 06, 2012 10:59 AM

# RE: Living with an Angry Woman

Firstly i want to thank sarah for the post she made on how Dr Sanjay helped her in bringing back her lover before christmas.At first when i saw the posting i was so happy and also scared,That this might not be real, Then i decided to give it a try in which i contacted Dr Sanjay and told him how my lover left me for another lady because i could not give him a child for the past 3years and i have been lonely and depressed without him,So i asked him if he has helped anyone called sarah and he said yes, that was the lady he helped in bringing back her lover before christmas.i said good and i told him that if he can help me to bring back my own lover and have my own child,He laughed and said once i have contacted him that all my problems will be solved in 24hours.He said that my lover will be back to me within 24hours and do an unexpected thing for me. i said really, Truly when Dr Sanjay casted his spell after 24hours was completed i got a text from someone saying am sorry then i decided to
Left by kimstone2000 on Apr 03, 2014 11:08 PM