There are certain personality traits that when introduced into marriage create a cancer not easily cured. I call them The Three D’s of Marriage Destruction. Any one of these D’s create chaos and “craziness,” but all three combined bring a marriage to ruin.
Let’s consider each, one at a time.
Deception. Deception, or lying, can be compared to chipping away at the foundation of your house. With each blow, you feel your house begin to tilt, leaving you wondering when the entire house is going to collapse. Unlike the eroding foundation, with deception you never know what you don’t know. You can never fully appraise the damage.
For example, in working with a couple recently who had been married nearly thirty years, she discovered he had been having multiple affairs for years. She had suspected his adulterous actions, but he always pinned her accusations on her “suspicious nature,” or “poor memory.”
Can you imagine the level of marital distrust, not to mention her own inner insecurities that he might be right about her failing personality? Now, knowing the truth, what can she rely on? What is truth and what is fiction? They are attempting to rebuild their marriage one foundational brick at a time.
Denial. “It’s not my problem. I didn’t do it. I don’t have any problems.” These are the words of someone caught in the massive efforts to deny they have any personality problems. With an ego constantly needing reinforcements, the individual who refuses to admit weaknesses never allow themselves to work on their challenges. Change is impossible.
Again, consider the havoc this wreaks in a marriage. Scripture implores us to have a humble and contrite heart, to be willing to seek truth and admit shortcomings. The individual who refuses to humbly admit their wrongdoings sets an incredibly destructive quality into action.
Assuming mistakes are made, and agreements broken, failing to own these mistakes and failures puts an unfair burden on your mate. Now, in addition to impact of your failure, they feel forced to fight their way through your denial—which, of course, won’t work. Another “crazymaking” quality is loosed into your marriage.
Detachment. Deception, Denial and Detachment are often strange bedfellows, creating an almost insurmountable combination of character traits that spread like cancer through the marriage. The one using deception and denial often hides behind a façade, making true contact impossible.
Sadly, if your mate has these character traits, you may be fighting to get them to be honest, own up to their failures, and then to invest themselves in the marriage. Your very efforts to “make them” act responsibly may push them away. Your efforts to “make them” tell the truth may work against you, creating more fear and distrust. Your efforts to pull them into the marriage, to “talk to you” may overwhelm them.
What to do?
I worked with a middle-aged woman recently at The Marriage Recovery Center who was clearly at her wit’s end. Filled with resentment, anger and distrust, she had layers of issues she wanted to work through. I made it clear that we could begin the work during their Marriage Intensive, but that we would need to work together in the months following their visit to create character change on both their parts. Her husband reluctantly admitted issues with deception, denial and detachment. During their stay they worked on:
Creating safety to share feelings. This meant that they had to talk to one another in respectful ways, never using shame or intimidation to coerce the other into seeing things the way the other wanted them to see things. This began to change their interpersonal dynamics.
Speaking the truth in love. Both agreed to keep their mate’s best interests in mind, always seeking to help the other grow and heal from their years of destructive relating habits. We agreed that NO deception would be tolerated, and there would be relational consequences for any form of deception—commission or omission.
When there were failures of any kind—and there would be—each would take responsibility for their actions. This involved what I call The Three A’s: Apologize, Accept Responsibility, and making Amends. While initially foreign and awkward, this couple began implementing these tools with positive benefits. Taking responsibility for shortcomings actually endeared them to each other.
Ministering to each other. The antidote to detachment is “leaning in.” This doesn’t mean crowding the other, bullying them or manipulating to do what you want them to do. It means listening carefully for your mate’s point of need and then ministering to that need. When you listen and discern what it is that your mate really needs, and meet that need, they cannot help but respond favorably.
Perhaps as you read this article, you find yourself flooded with the impact of deception, denial and detachment. Don’t try to revolutionize your marriage in three easy steps—it won’t happen! But, agree upon small goals and set about to change the way you have been relating. Seek guidance from someone you trust to help you reverse destructive patterns. Then watch as you commit together to allow God to work in your marriage.
What about the mate who refuses to change? What about the individual whose character traits are so entrenched they refuse to receive correction? If you find yourself at this place, please seek immediate professional help. Seek counsel from someone who understands these very challenging character deficits. You may be ill-equipped to encourage character change. You may be to exhausted to keep trying. Again, seek professional support.
Are you ready to stop doing deceiving, denying and detaching? If you would like to consult with me, see opportunities for doing so on my website, with free podcasts about these forms of “crazymaking.” If you are in a marriage that struggles with the same problems again and again, I’d love to hear from you. How has this article helped and what steps have you taken that have helped you? Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com.