Solomon had it right: “Walk with the wise and you will become wise.” (Proverbs 13: 20) Likewise, hanging out with fools often leads to us behaving foolishly, or, at least feeling a bit crazy.
This advice seems simple enough—associate with wise people. Look for people in your world who have made mistakes, but have learned from them. Seek counsel from those who have paid attention to Scriptural principles, applying them to their daily lives. Learn from people who have stable lives, not ones that are chaotic and disorderly.
While these principles are certainly valuable, learning to dissociate from fools and foolish advice is easier said than done. For example, what if you’re married to a “CrazyMaker?” What if you’re coming to that realization late in the game, after you’ve been married for several years and have learned to doubt your own sensibilities? Extricating yourself from craziness is no longer such an easy task.
I was struck recently by a woman seeking services at The Marriage Recovery Center who shared firmly with me, “I’m not doing ‘crazy’ anymore.” I had never heard that phrase, but had no doubt what it meant the moment she said it. She shared how she had read my book, Dealing With the CrazyMakers in Your Life and decided it was time to take firm action.
Here, in brief, is her story.
Dr. David. My husband and I are coming to The Marriage Recovery Center as a last ditch effort to save our marriage. I’m tired of him lying to me and then telling me he’s telling the truth. I’m tired of doubting myself, thinking I must be going crazy. I’m tired of catching him in lies, all the while him telling me it’s my imagination. I’m tired of watching him flirt with other women, all the while him telling me everything he’s doing is completely innocent. I’m tired of trying to get him to understand and accept my feelings, all the while telling me I’m overreacting to the situation. I’m just tired. I’ve told my husband that this is it. We’re going to learn how to communicate effectively. I’m going to learn what I’m doing wrong that enables this destructive process, but I’m also going to insist that he learns to speak clearly, without excuses and blaming me.
First, I’m glad she is taking responsibility for her life. Sadly, she has waited a long time and become very tired before taking action. It’s easy to do, so I’m certainly not blaming her. Like the frogs in the hot water, we often wait until the water slowly boils before we attempt to make a leap for safety.
Second, as much as it might appear the contrary, CrazyMakers don’t wake up in the morning setting out to make us feel crazy. They’ve been blaming others, dodging responsibility their entire lives. It is second nature to them. Their actions don’t stem from evil motives as much as from their own character structure.
Third, a little bit of blaming and avoiding responsibility goes a long way. Like an eyedropper of contaminant in a pristine glass of water, a little “crazymaking” can make us scream. A “small lie” or bit of evasiveness can create a huge amount of discomfort. Efforts to “make” someone understand us, or to stop behaving a certain way can be exhausting.
Fourth, these kinds of problems will NOT naturally resolve themselves. CrazyMakers don’t usually realize what they’re doing. Certainly there are exceptions—some deceivers know full well they are lying. Some egotists know they are full of themselves, taking pride in their own abilities. Most CrazyMakers, however, have little insight into their behavior, again making it imperative that you take action.
Finally, seek professional help. Don’t think you can read a book and change lifelong patterns of dysfunctionality. Don’t assume you can talk an egotist out of being egotistical or a deceiver out of using deception. You can’t out-talk a controlling individual. Professional intervention is necessary to break these destructive patterns. Know, however, that when you finally put your foot down, as with the woman cited above, positive change can occur.
Are you ready to stop doing ‘crazy?’ If you would like to consult with me, see opportunities for doing so on my website, with free podcasts about “crazymaking.” If you are in a marriage that struggles with the same problems again and again, I’d love to hear from you. How has this article helped and what steps have you taken that have helped you? Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com.