As we draw near to the Day of Romance, Valentine’s Day, it seems appropriate to address an issue on many people’s minds—will their mate think to do anything special?
It is a perfectly understandable question. Your relationship may have grown a bit stale, you’re taking each other for granted, and on these special days you want a bit of romance to ignite your marriage.
Let’s look a bit closer at the question, “Will he think to do anything special?” What are you really asking? Are you asking whether or not your mate loves you? Or, more likely, are you asking if he really cares about the things that are important to you—such as being remembered on a special holiday.
We all want to feel special, and this wish never dies, no matter how long we’ve been married. The idea of being treated like a prince, or princess, never leaves. We never want to be taken for granted. This feeling, perhaps more than any other, is the basis for much disappointed.
This question was on the mind of a woman who emailed me recently.
Dear Dr. David. I have been married for over twenty years, and we have a good marriage. However, I am always disappointed when the holidays, like Valentine’s Day, come around. I’m lucky if he remembers my birthday or Christmas, but on Valentine’s Day there’s not a chance he’ll plan anything. Is there anything I can do besides complain to tell him how important these holidays are to me?
--Disappointed
First, have you told him, lovingly, how important these holidays are to you? You cannot expect him to know if you don’t tell him. Furthermore, complaining is a sure way to turn him off and build resentment. He’ll only come to dread the holiday, working against your goals.
Many men see these holidays as needless expenses, or rationalize that women shouldn’t be so sentimental. The truth of the matter is, these holidays are important to you. Tell him in a calm, clear and loving manner.
I hear again and again that men ought to know how to handle these kinds of situations. No matter how often women say, “He should know,” men cannot read minds. As a man, I can assure you that when we’re shown or told what our mate’s need and want in a loving way, we’re far more apt to respond favorably.
Second, why are you presuming it is his responsibility to do something special? Why don’t you ask him if he’s made any plans, and if not, suggest you make plans for the two of you. Take it upon yourself to consider what might be a special getaway, or evening out, and plan it.
Another possibility is you invite him to sit down together and plan a special night out. Agree together you’re going to be creative and make these holidays something you both look forward to.
Third, remember a favorite saying of mine—“If your problems are predictable, they’re preventable.” Since you know these problems occur every holiday, and you’re disappointed each time, do it differently this time. Change the pattern. Shake things up a bit. Develop new patterns.
Finally, reinforce positive behavior. We’re all starving for encouragement, not criticism. Assuming your husband is willing to go away with you, and will participate in a special evening out—thank him. Build upon these gains, seeking to change old patterns that have left you disappointed for years.
If you are in a marriage that struggles with the same problems again and again, I’d love to hear from you. How has this article helped and what steps have you taken that have helped you? Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at mailto:TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com.