As we draw near to the Day of Romance, Valentine’s Day, it seems appropriate to address an issue on many people’s minds—can their marriage be saved?
It is a perfectly understandable question. Your relationship is less satisfying, perhaps even in a state of serious distress. You cannot help but wonder about the viability of the relationship.
Let’s look a bit closer at the question, “Can this marriage be saved?” What are you really asking? Are you asking whether or not you can continue to live with your mate for another thirty years without having a nervous breakdown? Are you asking if there is someone else out there capable of making your heart sing again? What is it that you really want to know?
Most couples in distress feel profoundly discouraged, and wonder if they have to continue to live in misery because they are Christians. After all, they say, God hates divorce. And He does! Since He hates divorce, must we live in a troubled marriage?
This question was on the mind of a woman who emailed me recently. Her plight may be similar to others asking the question about the viability of their marriage.
Dear Dr. David. I have been reading your book, “Nine Critical Mistakes Most Couples Make” and believe my husband and I make all of them. This is incredibly discouraging, because even though we recognize the mistakes, we can’t seem to stop making them. I feel hopeless that any change is ever going to happen. We keep making the same mistakes over and over again and we’re making each other miserable.
I must also tell you that we’ve been to three different therapists. One of them said we were “chronic,” and doubted our ability to save our marriage. He heard about the broken promises and betrayals and seemed to be saying that the chances of us making it were slim.
So, I wonder if our marriage can be saved? I think about leaving all the time, and yet I know God doesn’t like divorce. But, does he want us to live in misery? Don’t we have a right to be happy? I wonder if my soul mate is out there somewhere waiting for me, while I’m wasting good years living in a bad marriage. Can you give me some insights into what I might do?
--Discouraged in Marriage
To first answer your question, ‘Yes, your marriage can be saved,’ but it will require work on both of your parts. It is perfectly normal for you to feel discouraged and question your marriage given what you have described. Any couple caught in the throes of repeated problems, without resolution, eventually sink into feelings of despair. A life without hope is certainly painful. However, there is hope, and God offers many solutions to our problems. Let’s consider a few of them.
If your problems are predictable, they’re preventable. While you are to be applauded for seeking help, you’ve either not found the right therapist or you’re not following through on the solutions/ skills recommended to you. A skilled therapist should be able to caringly point out to you exactly what you’re doing wrong, and why your marriage is in trouble. Then, expect them to guide you through the necessary steps toward solving these predictable and preventable problems.
Ready your heart for change. Most of us seek confirmation that what we’re doing is right, rather than seeking counsel from someone willing to tell us that what we’re doing is harmful and destructive. Few of us willingly allow someone to speak into our lives, humbly prepared to alter the ways we think and behave.
Scriptures are clear that what we need is a heart change. “The heart is deceitfully wicked; who can know it?” the prophet Jeremiah says. We must be willing to look critically at our behavior and how damaging it is to ourselves and our marriage. We must be prepared to be “transformed by the renewing of our minds.” (Romans 12: 2) In order for therapy to work, you must be in a more positive place, ready to make difficult changes.
Seek expert, skilled help. With your heart in the right place, ready to work on yourself first, and perhaps your mate, seek positive counsel, one offering sound, Godly advice. Find someone to whom you can relate and who offers wise, insightful counsel. Your problems are obviously serious, and while you’ve tried seeking help, more is needed. Is it possible that you and your husband are trying “half-measures” to solve deep and serious problems? Have you gone to counseling only to give up to soon? Then, stick with the process. Don’t give up!
So, rather than asking if your marriage can be saved, or settling into a position of “I’ve got a right to be happy,” ask yourself “What am I doing to be holy? What character changes am I being called to make?” Have we taken every possible step to be people of Godly character, serving one another and building one another up, according to their need?
If you are in a marriage that struggles with the same problems again and again, I’d love to hear from you. How has this article helped and what steps have you taken that have helped you? Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com.