I receive hundreds of emails every week. Most come from individuals who are extremely frustrated, angry and at the end of their rope. They turn to me in a final effort to make sense of their lives.
One of the most prominent themes of these emails is an utter sense of frustration and even despair. Certainly, when we are distressed we want answers!
There is a concern I have, however, about these urgent messages. Many people appear passive in their approach to life’s problems. They are overwhelmed by the immensity of their problems and struggle to find the ability to fight back. It is this sense of paralysis I want to address.
A recent email from a middle-aged woman suggests not only a sense of urgency, but also a paralysis.
Dear Dr. David. I am feeling so lost and have nowhere to turn. My husband of many years has had an affair. He was a pastor and in the ministry for all our married lives. He was seen with this other woman by a member of our church and has been told he must leave the church and his ministry. This happened over a year ago.
We have moved away from the church. In the beginning he was very open with me and told me everything. After losing his ministry he is a different person. I don't know him any more. He has told me he can never make love with me, even though he was always a very passionate man. So, for over a year now we are living married single lives.
My husband is now very quiet and stays on his computer a lot. I think I only have two choices. Stay with him and accept this relationship the way it is or leave. He will NOT go to counseling. His depression is so contagious. Most days I don't have the energy to fight the depression. I know he doesn't love me but I can't get enough courage to leave. I have caught him in lies and he has continued this relationship with the woman. I am stuck. I would appreciate any words of advice.
First of all, you don’t have to be stuck. None of us ever have to be stuck. Not only do you not have to be stuck, you’re also not limited to only two options. This is very narrow thinking. Thankfully, while change is difficult, it is possible. We never have to tolerate abuse or abandonment in our marriage. God has offered you wisdom in His Word, the support of friends and I’m sure there are wise counselors within your community. You can avail yourself of these services, let go of being a victim and learn to take action. Action, incidentally, is often the antidote to depression.
You note that your husband is still seeing this woman. This is intolerable. It is no wonder that he feels little attraction to you since he is still carrying on with this woman. You must insist that he make a choice—her or you. If he chooses her, you must let him go, or rather ask him to leave.
You are enabling his destructive and abusive behavior. Tolerating his incredible rejection cannot help but impact your self-esteem. As you grow stronger, step by step, you will grow strong enough to take the action that is demanded by this situation. Please obtain my book, When Trying to Change Him is Hurting You, which will point out other ways you are enabling/ tolerating abusive treatment.
Feelings are contagious. There is little wonder why you feel depressed. You’re living with a man who undoubtedly has not processed his rejection from the church and ministry, and who now remains unfaithful. You watch a terrible drama unfold in front of you, and yet are paralyzed. You will not feel better until you have ended the emotional and spiritual hemorrhage in your marriage.
You are worth more than this. Too many women, and men, set the bar far too low. You are worthy of respect and it is time you insist upon it. When you insist on being treated with respect, people often respond favorably. If you allow him to disrespect you, he will. Don’t tolerate it.
There is still hope. You may be surprised at the impact you will have when you insist your husband make a choice. When he can no longer see this other woman, he may wake up and choose his marriage. You will never know until he is forced to make a decision.
I’d love to hear from you about these strategies for encouraging this woman to set the bar higher for herself and her husband. Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, www.YourRelationshipDoctor.com.