Your life is filled with possibilities: you have a nice home, financial stability, children who are well-behaved, and aare satisfied with your church. In spite of all that is going well, there is, however, one glaring problem—you’re hiding an addiction in your home.
There is no need to be ashamed of this problem, as addictions are an integral part of our culture. Whether you’re facing life with a drug addict, food addict or in the case of this recent e-mailer, the spouse of an alcoholic, living with an addiction is a silent killer. Addictions kill the body, soul and spirit of an individual and family. Addictions kill friendships, work opportunities and of course, marriages.
Given the debilitating effects of addiction, it may be surprising that we tolerate addictions in our home and marriages. We’re quick to tell our friends not to tolerate the ravages of an addict, but it’s not that simple. Like the frog in the kettle that slowly comes to a boil, addictions begin slowly and insidiously. We compensate for the addict as we slowly die.
All of this occurs in the secrecy of our homes. We strive to keep our problems out of the awareness of others. We must look good, after all. We dare not let others know we have an addiction on the loose in our home, and so we suffer in silence.
Many of the couples coming to The Marriage Recovery Center have lived too long with secret addictions. Their lives have spun out of control and it has sadly taken “hitting the bottom” for them to reach out for help. Consider this recent email.
Dear Dr. David. My husband has a drinking problem and is a physician. He hides the drinking more now, but is still drinking during the day on weekends. He will even have a drink early in the morning, but hides that and denies he is doing it.
I've attended Al Anon but haven't seen a counselor. I am not sure if I should contact his employer to let them know of the problem. I have felt that I was responsible if he screws up at work, but I learned I am not responsible for his actions. I have told him that his drinking is a problem. I also said if it got worse for us, me and the children, I'd take them and move out. He knows he has to be careful to be really nice to them and is trying to pay attention to them, their school activities, etc. He was so withdrawn and in his own little world, that I felt like a single person. At least now he is trying to act like we are a family. I think this is all for show since I keep talking about how his alcohol problem is hurting us.
Do you have any advice for me? I have been working on letting him know how this is hurting us, and I've set some boundaries. Drinkers seem to ram right through any boundaries you set. It may need to be drastic for him to get it.
--Tired of Alcohol
Dear Tired,
It is clear from your letter that you are exhausted trying to live with your husband’s addiction. You have done many things right, such as attending Al Anon. However, you must take even greater action if you really want to help yourself, your children and your husband. Let’s take a closer look at your situation.
Your husband exhibits all the signs and symptoms of an alcoholic. He hides his drinking, lives in his own world preoccupied by booze, and denies his alcohol use. All of this suggests he has moved past the point of social drinking, and into the dangerous realm of addiction.
Since he is addicted, he can no longer make rational choices. Addicts, by virtue of their addiction, cannot be completely honest, nor can they make healthy, rational choices. To expect him to do so is denial on your part. Remember, it’s the alcohol talking.
His alcoholism doesn’t make him a bad person. Addicts use compulsively, not being completely free to choose or not choose a certain action. Your husband didn’t wake up one day and choose to become an alcoholic.
Talking to your husband about his addiction will have limited, if any, impact. Again, addicts cannot fully manage their lives. They cannot fully choose, or not choose, what they do. Addicts understand the issue of cravings, and know at some level they cannot walk away from their drug of choice. Using guilt, manipulation or even coercion will not be effective.
You need counseling to help you understand your husband’s addiction, as well as your own codependency. While his drinking has been debilitating on him, it has also impacted you and your children. You must learn how his drinking has impacted you and the children, and prepare yourself for significant steps to stop enabling his alcoholism.
You can help your husband hit bottom. Helping him hit bottom, by setting a clear and firm boundary, is an act of love. Yes, it may require you tell your husband once and for all, “I love you. If you don’t seek immediate treatment the children and I are leaving. We will be there to support you in every way in your treatment program.”
This woman’s story is our story, as I explain in my book Breaking Everyday Addictions. We’re all addicts, or live with one, and while we may not live with an alcoholic, we know the power of addictions. We see the impact of television, food, shopping, Internet use or other compulsive behaviors. We know the insanity of trying to talk our mate out of certain behaviors. In the end, we must draw the line. It is easy and very tempting to get caught in the craziness of addictions, and we need the power of God’s wisdom to lead us to sanity.
I’d love to hear from you about these strategies for helping your mate hit the bottom. Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website.