You watched your marriage dissolve, never expecting divorce could ever happen to you. It did, and you struggled to pick up the pieces.
But you did pick up the pieces, and what others told you, was true: “You will have a life again!” And you have done just that.
As you pieced your life back together, you discovered not only did divorce happen to you, but to your children as well. The ripples of divorce spread down through you and on to your children, your extended family and even friends. Your world, as you knew it, forever changed.
In the process of picking up the pieces, you fell in love and remarried. Most who experience divorce will remarry. This is a fact of our society. Yet, most of us are ill-equipped to deal with the ramifications of blending already-made families. How will you blend her family’s traditions with yours? How will you deal with his old friends who remain active in his life?
There is another huge issue facing blended families, especially those with grown children. How will you treat your mate’s grown children, and how will they treat you? These are issues most remarried couples are not prepared to face. Listen to this story from a recent email.
Dear Dr. David. My husband and I have been married for several years. We each have two adult children from our first marriages. The youngest is away at college and still comes home when off. The rest are married and have their own homes.
The problem is with my husband’s oldest son. He still considers our home as his and questions our every decision right down to the furniture we just bought. He argues with his father over other decisions he is making. My husband has a hard time standing up to his son, and it is very difficult for me to watch these arguments take place. My husband confronts his son about his attitude—things get better for a short time, and then his son starts controlling his father again.
One of the things that make it more difficult is that his son doesn’t live in the same town, so when they visit they stay with us. His son will often move pictures, hide things and even rearrange furniture. It is almost like his son is jealous of me for some reason and he is not able to accept or respect that his father has also remarried and is thankful to God for His mercies. My husband and I are very happy and we want to know how we can help him and his other children accept and forgive. The thing that upsets me the most is their lack of respect for their father. How can I help him deal with it and not let his son’s outbursts threaten our relationship. I pretty much stay out of the way and only offer suggestions when he wants to talk about it. We also pray everyday that God will draw all of our children to a closer walk with Him.
---Seeking your Help
Dear Seeking,
Blending a family after a divorce is rarely easy business. Anyone who has never done this has little understanding of just how tough it can be.
Your letter reminds us that blending a family doesn’t stop when the children are small—the blending continues into adult life.
Let’s recap what we know about blended families:
Blending an already made family takes work. We get ourselves into trouble if we have unrealistic expectations. Expect that blending lifestyles already established will take effort, roll up your sleeves and do it.
Talk about the blending process. Don’t ignore the fact that everyone is wondering about this process. Neither you, your husband nor stepson has done this before. Talk openly about the challenges you face in blending families.
Honor established relationships. Your husband has a long-term relationship with his son, established patterns of relating and ways of interacting that you must respect. Don’t try to change them—you’ll only be frustrated and find yourself at odds with both your stepson and husband.
Don’t allow your stepson to harm your marriage. Give your husband plenty of room to work things out with his son, without trying to change anything. Yes, your stepson probably still has feelings about his parents’ divorce. Work at understanding those feelings and allowing them to be. Keep your marriage strong, keeping this problem in perspective.
Continue to foster a healthy relationship not between your stepson and his father, but between you and your stepson as well. Since the marriage between you and his father is still fairly new, he may still feel awkward around you. He may feel jealous and be trying to find his way in this new family.
Set healthy boundaries. Talk to your husband about appropriate boundaries when they stay in your home. If he doesn’t respect agreed upon boundaries, suggest your stepson stay someplace else when visiting.
I’d love to hear from you about these strategies for dealing with the pouter. Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com.