A few weeks ago a young woman named Char, called for an immediate appointment. In a panic, Char brought her husband Tyler into my office to discuss the impact of his gambling debt on their marriage. During the first half of the session Char lamented about how Tyler’s spending had put them in financial distress. She shared her anger and frustration about his spending thousands of dollars of their savings on poker, online gaming and lottery tickets.
After Char finished venting feelings about his spending, while Tyler looking on silently, it became clear to me that this man was a bona fide gambling addict. Sharing my understanding of addictions, I spoke clearly and firmly about the necessity of them taking appropriate and immediate action.
“I’m impressed you’re both sitting here ready to look seriously at this addiction,” I said. “Being honest and accountable for an addiction is certainly the first step toward change. But, it’s going to take real change, including accountability for change.”
Suddenly there was silence in the room. No sooner had I used the words addiction, and accountability, than Char began back peddling and Tyler squirmed in his chair.
“I don’t really think he has an addiction,” Char said, looking puzzled. “It’s not that serious.”
“No, I don’t have an addiction,” Tyler added confidently. “I’ve really cut back on my spending, and haven’t blown a paycheck on gambling in months.”
That’s right,” Char continued, reaching for her husband’s hand. “I think he’s making progress. I trust him to get a handle on this.”
“But Char,” I protested, “you just said he’s broken your trust many times.”
“Yes,” she stammered, “but I don’t think it’s as big a problem as you’re saying.”
I sat stunned. Moments earlier Char had been ready to divorce her husband for his addiction. Now, facing the rigors of holding him accountable, she froze. Calling this problem an addiction, and facing necessary steps, she slipped back into the denial she had been using for months to help her cope.
Ignorance is bliss—or so they say. Denial protects us from knowing more than we are ready to deal with. We have a desire to live in innocence and naivete, and will actually, in many cases, resist knowing the truth. Such a plan, however, will leave us vulnerable to the ravages of our particular problem. Ignorance, when it comes to serious problems, enables them to flourish.
Listen to this email from a reader.
Dear Dr. David.
My husband and I have been married for thirteen years. We are both Christians and have a good marriage. My husband struggles with the TV and also with insomnia. Work requires a lot of hours and a crazy work schedule; he winds down with the TV. He falls into short spurts of watching too much TV by staying up until two or three in the morning.
The other night, he came to bed at 2:30 and I questioned him. He said that he had been watching a movie and my response was, “Watching a movie and flipping thru channels watching what you shouldn’t be watching?” He said “yes”. We went to sleep. The next day I sent my husband a text message to encourage him. I asked him if there was something I could do to help and he said he would let me know. We have had the opportunity to talk about it and he has been silent on the issue. I feel like the Holy Spirit led me to say something, but I am dealing with my flesh now and want to talk about it. Initially, I was not bothered and felt peace. I feel like my husband and I have an honest, open relationship. How do I confront without making my husband feel condemned or judged? --Speaking the Truth
Dear Speaker of Truth,
Your letter reminds me of the couple mentioned above—you appear partially willing to face the truth, but tempted to gloss over alarming facts. You are willing to ask him about his television viewing, but stop short of asking him specifically about viewing pornography or inappropriate images.
You state you and your husband are honest with each other, and yet you collude with each other to not talk about the severity of the situation. You both seem to be dancing around a serious issue. Why are you afraid to speak the truth? Why do you stop short of naming the problem and then determining a solution?
Like the couple who came to see me for the gambling addiction, I encourage the following steps of action.
First, speak the truth in love. (Ephesians 4: 15) You must sit down with your husband and talk about what he is viewing on television, prepared to discuss the implications. You must get past your own denial, seek truth and prepare appropriate action. Share lovingly, without condemnation or judgment. You cannot possibly move forward with a plan of action if you don’t know the problem.
Second, develop a plan of action. Assuming your husband some problem with what he is viewing—most likely pornography---create a plan of treatment and accountability. Don’t assume your husband has the ability to monitor his own behavior. Such inaction would be naïve and foolish, setting both of you up for hurt and failure. Rather, create a plan of accountability and likely treatment. Participation in a men’s group struggling with similar problems would be excellent.
Third, maintain a plan of accountability. Scripture is clear that our love must not be naïve or ignorant. “And this I pray, that your love may abound still more in knowledge and in all discernment.” (Philippians 1: 9) We must be wise when it comes to behavior. Make a plan of accountability and stick with it.
Finally, agree to deal together with this problem. Pornography is not simply his problem—it becomes a relational issue.
His issue calls for accountability, with trust to follow. Lovingly agree to talk about his problem, but talking honestly and respectfully.
Share your reactions to these stories. What would you do if your mate had either a gambling or pornography addiction? Do you agree with me regarding trust and accountability. Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com.