In one mighty stroke of his pen the Apostle Paul compares the love between man and wife in marriage to the love of Christ for his church. (Ephesians 5: 25-27) This should cause us to pause and reflect about our attitude toward, and relationship with, our mate.
Marriage as God intended was meant to be a union of two people where they express sacrificial love for one another. They give not only their hearts to each other, but their very personalities. They love each other exclusively, giving to each other freely and reciprocally.
For as challenging as it is to build this bridge of trust, and the painstaking work needed to create an environment of safety where we are free to be who we really are, it can be destroyed in a moment.
The sanctity of marriage can be damaged in many ways. There is perhaps nothing more devastating to the purity of marriage than unfaithfulness. However, while we are quick to focus on sexual infidelity as the cruelest form of unfaithfulness, I encourage us to look beyond this to a larger definition of unfaithfulness.
There are many forms of unfaithfulness, including physical and emotional abuse. Clearly physical or emotional violence violate the sacred bridge of trust built between man and wife. But, what about impact of deception on the marriage? In a delicate fabric of honesty and trust, deception can bring a marriage to ruin. A woman wrote to me recently sharing the impact of financial deception and the impact of their marriage.
Dear Dr. David. I’ve been married now for ten months. Three months into our marriage, my husband disclosed his large debt amount to me. He gave me no indication that he had any debt, so to find this huge financial mess has been devastating to me. I am finding it difficult to want to be around this man. I’m very angry and am trying to forgive him, but it is hard. I pray. I fake being nice. I don’t want to be at home. I try to forgive. To me it’s as dishonest as an affair and equally difficult to work through. Is it OK to walk away from a lie? Have you heard of anyone else that survived (or did not) a similar situation? I want out and am getting depressed. Ugh. --Hater of Deception
Dear Hater of Deception,
You are certainly not the only one who hates deception. In fact, marriage is built on the foundation of trust—and trusting in your mate’s word is a basic ingredient in a healthy foundation. Your world has been shaken.
Your husband was wrong in not disclosing his debt to you—no if’s, and’s or but’s. You are an example to all of us of just how devastating deception can be. A little deception goes a long way in eroding trust. If someone can deceive us about finances, we wonder what else have they been dishonest about?
Let’s consider a healthy response to your husband’s deception.
First, is he now honest about his financial problems? If so, you have an opportunity to grow beyond this obvious failure to share honestly. If he has “come clean,” you both can make a vow to be completely honest about such issues in the future.
You can take note of how troubling deception can be, and vow to be completely honest with each other in the future. An incident of deception does not need to ruin your marriage.
Second, consider the possibility that your husband’s deception is an indication of a deeper problem. Has he been dishonest about other matters? Is this incident of deception part of a greater character problem that is now rearing its ugly head? Sit down with your husband and identify, objectively, the exact nature of the problem.
Third, if his deception is part of a larger problem, set out a plan for healing. As I share in my book Breaking Everyday Addictions, a little change is not enough. Real change requires real effort—and accountability. Is your husband willing to participate in counseling to assist you in healing, and to be held accountable for being honest from here out?
Finally, healing from deception is a process, not an event. You may by expecting too much from yourself to think you can quickly forgive. You are right to say that deception about finances feelings like unfaithfulness—it is! Agree together that you will grow from this wound. Allow each other to have feelings about this troubling situation and to grow from it. Be careful, however, not to let this situation define your relationship. Undoubtedly there are still many good aspects to your marriage. Walking away would be a mistake.
How do you feel about this woman’s plight? How might you advise her? Have you been in similar situation you would be willing to share with us?